EMPIRE
by hotaryu
Summary: It's a thing when two ambitious men cross paths, but what happens when a little queen crosses theirs? Pre-manga to manga.
1. The Great Unknown

**EMPIRE**

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**Summary:** It's a thing when two ambitious men cross paths - but what happens when a little queen crosses theirs? Meg Capet doesn't know it yet, but she will build an empire.

**Notes:** If you don't like OC stories, please give this a chance. I thought that Levi needed better OC stories, so here I am, a bored College student who wants to give some Levi love and make a good SnK OC. Please review! ^^

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**i.**The Great Unknown

* * *

**830**

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

In the Great Hall, Lord Luthor Capet blared out his question. Seated by his side, his wife, Lady Helena raised her blond eyebrows with great concern. Lord Luthor was a noble, living tucked away in Wall Sina, in his great and wide estate, growing gardens and orchards and managing a banking business that flourished greatly. His red hair and well-made appearance marked him – he wore silk clothes, the best among the nobles. His question was addressed to his two young children, the two little redheads sitting together, their heads close together. It was matter for the future.

"I want to be like you, Father! I will be lord of the manor and run a business!" declared the boy, his voice shrill. His name was Kurt, and he had an indomitable energy to him. His red hair was uncombed and tousled. At his reply, his lord father guffawed in amusement and patted his wife's hand affectionately.

"That's a good answer, Kurt! Heir to the Capet indeed!" Lord Luthor raised his golden goblet and toasted his son's answer. His gaze fled to the girl.

At the tender age of five, Margaret, his daughter, was clever. Lord Luthor's late mother, Matilda Capet, had known it; she herself had made sure of his daughter's duties and lessons. Sewing. Singing. Learning to be a noble lady. The scholar and teacher and tutors at the estate would teach the girl to chart and map the stars, to argue in a fine point of grammar, to learn to use poisons. She would learn archery one day. The girl didn't possess her mother's conventional looks – a mop of red hair, and a certain shyness about her.

"Well, Meg, what do you want?"

"I want to be…" The girl's lip trembled. She cleared her throat and her gaze surveyed her family members. "I want to be a doctor. I want to heal the sick."

Lord Capet and his wife exchanged glances.

"My dear, don't you think it's a waste?" he asked, earning a nervous chuckle. "You're still young. Are you sure you can be a doctor?"

"I've thought it over. It would be nice if I became one," Meg replied earnestly. "I have you, Papa. I can cure sick people. Help people. I want to be of use."

"I think you would make a good one," Kurt declared. The girl blushed and looked away. Shyly. An awkward and shy girl she was, and a noble, too.

"Meg, you can forget about that," declared the lord. "You're a pretty girl. There are better opportunities than working. You can go stay here, and get married. Marry a nice rich man."

"I want to work outside of Wall Sina, Father." Meg's words were honest. "I want to help the poorer people. They need help, don't they?"

"Margaret is smart," Lady Capet put in. "She can be a doctor. She can work for the army, for the Scouting Legion as a medic." The woman winked. "My brother works for the Legion, and the medical division needs all the members it can find. She can be a doctor there. Help the soldiers. She can do her work. Her duty. Isn't it a beautiful thing?"

Lord Capet raised a hand.

"But dear, the Scouting Legion is full of soldiers who aren't fit to feel her touch! They're filthy! Wife, remember her fate; she is a woman! She cannot be a soldier!"

Lady Capet looked at her daughter with a sad smile.

"My lord, the question is not for you to answer. You may be Meg's father but Meg is the creator of her own destiny. She is a noble girl and marriage is a good option, but she has a dream. Think of her. Will she be happy if you marry her off to some noble years older than her and on the wedding bed, force himself on her to beget a son?" Lady Capet's voice was gentle but firm. It cracked like a whip – and the whole Great Hall fell silent. Lord Capet stared at her in a mixture of embarrassment, puzzlement, confusion, irritation and doubt. Of all the people to correct him, why was it his wife?

His love of his life, Helena, who was a renowned beauty among the nobles, who had to correct him. Helena was the mother of his children, a gentle soul who sat and sewed and did her duty. The woman who swore to adore him all the days of their lives as two people bound by marriage of political convenience and duty.

He was…

"Wife, remember that she is still six. There are other Houses who have sworn fealty to us, and they want to cement it. By marriage. They want Margaret. She is your daughter." As he spoke, the other ladies and lords looked away by default. "As my heiress and daughter, she is my only hope. I need her. Helena, our family needs her."

Helena shut her mouth.

What could she say?

This was pitting her word against her husband's.

But her brother or her lord husband.

Her brother and the cause. The Titans...

"Remember your place," Luthor went on. "She has a duty to the House."

"Yes, Father," said Meg.

That was she said, because she was seven, she was a plain child who was too shy for her own good, she was tiny and she was a noble who would one day leave the estate to give her body and her maidenhead and herself to another fellow noble who would not love her for herself and she was bound by duty and she was you.

-/-

**833**

"How is she faring?"

Three years were enough to bring more changes in the Capet household. Lord Luthor Capet over the course of three years, lost his wife, mourned for her, and set about making more changes to the way the estate was run. Kurt was prevented from fraternizing with his sister until his lessons in governing and economics and alchemy and science were finished. He had too many subjects to study. The boy was still a boy, but the loss of Lady Capet had sorely done something to the estate of the grand Capets. The business meetings and the governance of his vassals often took Lord Capet away from his family. Who often watched over the children?

The tutor, the governess.

"Your daughter?"

The tutor, Master Cox, was a pale man. Well-spoken for, gentle, and very witty, he was very educated. Clever and wordy, he presided over the lessons of both the Capet children. His hair was a mass of graying brown curls, and his face dimpled in the animation of his expression. Master Cox was a scholar, originally meaning to be a lawyer then he found his calling teaching nobles how to map the stars, the arts and sciences. He had written books and read so many books as many as the stars. Lord Luthor had been friends with him.

"Yes. I meant Meg – I mean Lady Margaret." Master Cox winced.

"Of course her."

"Ah. She is very good. Willing to learn, her nature is very kind and gentle. She would make a good nurse, or doctor. "

"I did not ask if she would make a good fucking doctor."

Master Cox chuckled.

"Fine. She does excellently. Full of self-leadership. A tad too shy, though. She is clever and accomplished enough for any noble man to take as a wife. She is sweet and gentle, and had a little of her grandmother, too. She can sing and play the lute and harp. She is clumsy at the dance floor and slow with it. She is average at cooking – and she likes her role as the lady of the manor. She is too willing to help the sick and poor. The girl's been having a bad time of it – she's been crying when she sleeps."

"Just like her."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Lord Luthor rubbed the skin on his nose. "So, Master Cox, do you think she is a good candidate for one of the Reiss uncles?"

The Reiss family.

"No. Our girl is too good for that."

"You know what she was born for. Thomas, you are too attached to her. If not the Reiss, who do I give her to? I have been getting marriage negotiations ever since Helena died. You know what my mother would say if she were alive. She would have spoiled Margaret. There is the Stark family, the Vane family and the Connor."

"If I were the king and I knew what she was, then I would secure her a chance to be a doctor. Not a lady."

"The royal family?" Luthor smiled. "A prince would do for her."

Master Cox sighed.

"You know, you don't know how much a value she will if she becomes a doctor. Send her to the Scouting Legion instead to learn to be a doctor, healing soldiers. The House will not suffer if you keep Luthor and send her out to the world."

"She has a duty to the House."

Master Cox smiled.

"She has a duty to humanity, too."

-/-

**835**

Dinner. A silent one – it was typically like this when Father was around. At twelve, Margaret was starting to fill in her curves. Her long hair was tied in two carrot-colored braids that hung past her shoulders. The servants were at the door, heeding beck and call of the Capets when it came to dinner. Kurt was munching hungrily on a piece of meat, and Master Cox was taking his time with his ham. Father sat at the head of the table, weighed down by his age and worry. He was at the family business, full-time, devoting himself to making House Capet great and known.

"Margaret, has anyone kissed you already?" Lord Luthor suddenly asked. The utensils were forgotten – heads turned at the red-haired lady. Her eyes widened with surprise. Her hands shook. She almost dropped the handkerchief from her lap. "No, Father. Why would someone do? I am kept inside Wall Sina and this house."

Master Cox eyed the girl with concern.

"Has any naughty stable boy touched you in places where he doesn't have any business touching?"

"Never." Her cheeks heated up.

"Have you ever wanted to steal something, Margaret?"

"Never."

Master Cox stiffened. He suddenly knew why Lord Capet was already asking the questions. He was checking if she was a maiden. His daughter was as pure as a nun. His daughter would be treated as a lady – she would be presented to other noble men and introduced and sold like an ox at a market. Men would love to get their hands on her – she was tall for her age and there was a hint or two of Helena's beauty in her. She was the daughter of one of the wealthiest Houses within Wall Sina.

"Your daughter is so pure she can catch a unicorn, Luthor," Master Cox stated. Kurt threw a worried face at his elder sister and then at his father. Why the hell was Father paying her attention after leaving her all these years to drown in lady-lessons and other studies? Of course he would sell her like a whore to other men, so that House Capet would get richer.

"Why. Why are you asking me such things that I know not of?" Meg whispered, her face pale.

"Margaret, you are young and pretty. You are the daughter of a powerful House. One of the richest Houses within the Walls. We are a powerful family. Your uncle is one of the most powerful leaders within the Scouting Legion. Your maidenhead is vital to the family."

"Is that because you are going to sell me like an ox to some man?" Meg's voice cracked. "Father, I don't want to marry! Not now. I'm too young! I want more things in life! I want to be a doctor, not a wife. I have more dreams!"

"Enough!"

"Maybe you should think about giving her some time!"

The two Capets turned to look at the speaker. Master Cox's voice was serious. His eyes sparkled. "Why not? Luthor, you can allow her to become a doctor, at least… Before you give her away. I am sure your brother-in-law is more than willing to accommodate his late sister's daughter. You know how much help the Scouting Legion needs."

"R-Really?" Meg's mouth opened in surprise.

"The Scouting Legion is too dangerous. Men I don't know will want their hands on my daughter. My daughter is not some local wench you can fuck and get away with." Luthor shook his head. "It's a horrible proposition. What kind of man will want her?"

"It is an honourable profession, to be a doctor in the Scouting Legion," Master Cox went on. "You do realize, Helena was originally going to become a nurse for the army herself until you wooed her and won her heart."

"Father, I told you already. I don't want to marry!"

Master Cox laughed.

"I want to become a doctor, Father. I want to help others. I can't stand it if I keep on living this way." Meg spoke calmly. "What is the purpose of my life other than being a woman? I am a woman with a woman's frail body, but I have a man's desire for purpose. You can't stop me. I want to be out there. I want to see the world. I want to see the sky. I want to be a doctor, so now!"

Luthor scowled.

"If that's what you want, Meg, then go leave the estate! Go become a doctor and die out of my own household! If you return alive, there's nothing but a marriage promise waiting for you!" He laughed bitterly. "You sound like your mother!"

The chair creaked as Margaret Capet stood up from her seat. The purple dress moved with her, her face twisting in a lady's attempt at anger. Her shoulders shook and her eyes flashed defiantly, blue fire. The veil covering her hair was practically ripped from her head and she tossed it on the floor angrily. Her footsteps were sleek, a loud staccato of rhythm. The door behind her slammed.

Master Cox sighed.

"See what you did?"

Luthor looked away. When he looked at the chair that Master Cox had occupied, there was no one there.

* * *

"Do you have any idea what you're going to do at this point?" Master Cox was breathless, as he took the reins of the horse. As he spoke, he bent his head to address the shapely figure beside him, a figure wrapped in trousers and boots from a boy from the lowborn population of Wall Sina. The figure was wearing a cap, and had blue eyes that shone. Fair skin that looked too clean to pass for a lowborn's, and a very feminine way to his movements. That night, he had followed the young lady out of the estate that recklessly, just to do his duty. Now that they were out of Capet land, what else could Meg even do now? She would no longer be of her own House's protection; was she that naïve to do such a thing?

The marketplace was full of thieves. Mobsters. If she got kidnapped by thugs, whose fault would it be now, if that happened? The underworld had several links in this very marketplace. At first sight, it was a typical marketplace – mosquitoes buzzing the commodities in here, plenty of people around, selling people, noise and crying children, food. It was a dog eat world out here. Could Meg even survive this? She was a soul that was too naïve, too pure.

Above them, hovered the sun.

"I've got it planned in my head," she whispered.

"Then what do you think you'll do?"

"I'll pretend to be a boy while here on the streets."

"Are you that stupid?"

Meg shrugged.

"I'll blend in. Besides, I took some things with me."

"What…things?"

"I took some water, a few clothes. I also figured out the address where my uncle is supposed to be."

"You know, it'll take a long time before you actually become a doctor."

"I know."

She blinked under the sun, a few strands of red hair falling flat on her forehead.

"Are you sure you can keep yourself safe?"

"Hmmm…yeah?" She giggled.

"Hmmm. You know archery."

"Yes."

"You can sew."

"Yes."

"You can sing."

"Absolutely. And dance."

"But you're not that good with a sword."

"Correct. My footwork sucks."

"How about the arrow and the bow, dear?"

"…"

"Did you forget them?"

She was blushing furiously as master and student paused in front of two men talking by the wall. One man was tall, well-built, and he was thin. A thin face, thin body. On top of his head was a bowler hat. His beard was slightly shaggy, and his skin was layered with dust. He was middle-aged, but somehow, well-dressed. The younger man was taller than Meg, and seemed to be close to her age. He had short black hair – and a pair of sharp eyes, that quickly noticed her. He was quite…hygienic-looking for someone who seemed to be of the smallfolk. There was something so steely and sleek about the younger man that made her heart race a beat, the chemistry he had with the air.

"Ohhh…."

The younger man took notice of her.

"Umm, excuse me," Meg began, her words spilling like roses, "I want to pass by. I hope you two don't mind if I pass by."

"My. My."

Meg's eyes widened again.

"I think you're scaring her," Master Cox broke in.

"Really?"

The younger man spoke. His manner was brusque, his eyes focused on her. The brilliant red of the hair strands that hung from her head.

"What do you want?" The younger man eyed Meg again. Interesting.

"I…just want to pass you two," began the stowaway, face paling and pinking. Her heart was reducing every minute the younger man opened his mouth and she could not believe his nerve. The very nerve. "D-Did I not say it properly?"

"Hmm…" His eyes glazed over her. "…"

"I apologize for Levi's behaviour," broke in the older man. Serious. He wore a solemn gaze. Nothing gave away the way he looked at the girl in boy's clothes.

"I-It's no p-p-problem!"

"It's just that you two seem…" Meg began, her rough accent suddenly fading in like the wind. Her voice became less shrill."-Almost suspicious."

The younger and older men looked at each other.

"Don't you think so?"

The older man brushed past the younger one. His footsteps were heavy. Then Meg could suddenly feel him. The light gliding of his own clothes on hers, the magnetic manner he possessed, that her suspicion was more than what she took. What would he do now?

"Don't you think you're also suspicious?" His voice was low, a stage whisper. Meg froze. Her blood ran cold. Master Cox's eyes widened. "Your accent betrays you, my dear."

What could he possibly do to her? Rape her? Kill her? Her heart was a drum. She was aware of how close he was to her – and how his younger friend eyed her. The innate violence in his aura, the way he had talked with his younger friend. What would they do? How messed up was this world? Why were they doing this to her? How could she comprehend it all?

"My- my accent?"

The moment his fingers locked in her arm – then she ran.

Out of sight.

Out of mind.

Out of fear.

Out of naivety.

She forgot. She wanted to do it so badly. She wanted to leave it all – her identity. Her suspicions. Her fear that the world was going to be cruel. Her disappoints in her own world. She wanted to forget the heavy stare of the gray-eyed boy on her, who seemed to be a few years older and seemed to be a man in another life, someone she would have loved to share late nights with, pondering life. The running – the air, the beating and pumping of her own body that told her to fear such men. The idea that they would kill her. The idea that she had been too naïve to actually foresee this was going to come sooner. She didn't notice how her cap fell as she ran – how her hair almost fell down, exposing her for what she was.

Safe and sound.

Dead.

How wrong would she be?

This life was only getting started.

-/-

"There's a brat outside."

"Who is it?"

"She claims she's your niece, Squad Leader Vane. She says she wants to be a doctor."

Squad Leader Vane looked up.

"Oh, really?"

"What does she look like?"

"Cute."

"Come on!"

"Hey, I was kidding."

"Just tell me."

"She's pretty young. Twelve, I estimate. Red hair, and a weird accent. Almost sounds like you sometimes. Skinny. Awkward, but she's got nice manners."

"What color are her eyes?"

"Blue."

"Let her in."

The door burst inward, and the girl went inside.

-/-

"What?"

"Meg, I want you to understand why."

"So… you want me to be a soldier, not a doctor."

"For a time being, yes."

"Can't I go back? I came here to be a doctor, not a soldier." Her voice cracked like a whip. "I…almost got assaulted."

Her voice was a whisper.

"Your father's already making negotiations for your marriage. This or marriage, my girl."

"Fine. Soldier. I accept it."

"Man, you're really stubborn, aren't you?"

She smiled brightly.

"I want to learn. I want to help out, at least. It's the least I can do. What am I, compared to a bigger picture? I was not born for myself alone."

-/-

**838**

"Aren't you excited?"

"Excited for what?"

"Tonight, we'll get to see actual men in uniform!"

"… Sounds nice." A bored tone, Meg's eyes were watering from the bright lights.

"Of course it is!"

"Really, I think I've seen better."

"Come on, Meg, don't you think it's nice to see an actual handsome soldier?"

"E-hem."

"I've already heard of plenty of stories. They're real men, Meg. And they are the ladykillers. Whores will give their own maidenheads to them if they even kept them! One of them… He is so fucking handsome that you, Margaret, will declare yourself to give your maidenhead to him!"

"SHHHH! Your language, Charlie!"

"Come on. This _**is**_ the military. Not some tea party."

"But we have propriety and structure, you do realize."

"Hmmphhh. Lady Meg, still the posh lady. It's graduation night, and maybe I can get lucky tonight. You're still young, and you're too…. stiff. Act like your age, my god. Loosen up. Maybe we can go drinking."

"Fifteen is too young to drink."

"It's not! We're going to be soldiers! I'll go to the Scouting Legion."

"So am I."

"Why didn't you join the Military Police? You were ranked 7th, if I am not mistaken."

"I have a cause."

"What is that cause, then?"

"Helping people."

"You've got the rest of your life to do that, you know."

"… Fine. I'll go drinking."

"This is going to be fun!"

"You know I am a klutz, so if you let me humiliate myself, I will seriously go hit you."

"Whatever!"

The assembly saw that everyone was there. There was Erwin Smith, one of the most popular Scouting Legion soldiers, who certainly fit in the "man in uniform" hotness that girls usually swooned over. He was charming, his posture was rigid and he was in control. Meg saw him – she saw the light that cascaded from the burning torches, the light in the eyes of her fellow graduates. The crowd rumbled, when he spoke, when his speeches and words left his mouth. He had some class, he reminded her of the lordlings she knew when she was younger, back when she lived in Sina, when there was sunlight, and dust over her face. That night, Erwin Smith spoke, and his voice bored and lived inside her ears, her heart, while her other friends yapped and yapped about how handsome he was, about the drinks waiting for them later once this ceremony was over. His words were fire, and she was attracted to them. A pretty future. The calling was too strong.

"…Meg?"

"Yes?"

"The ceremony's over."

"Oh."

"What were you staring at?"

"Nothing."

"Come on."

"Fine. I think I saw someone…familiar."

* * *

"What are you staring at?" Erwin Smith looked at his dark-haired companion. His voice interrupted the silence. His voice never cracked. It was amazing, to know such a thing. He was calm today. He had control down, and he was irresistible, a seasoned leader rising higher through his ranks.

"Why are you asking?"

"I was curious. You seemed bored…until you stared."

"I thought I saw someone."

_I thought I saw someone from all those years ago._

Red hair.

Blue eyes.

He had seen those features before. There was no denying it.


	2. A Matter of Talking

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Summary:** First impressions last.

**Notes:** This is going to be tricky.

ii. **A Matter of Talking**

* * *

**838**

"Why so nervous? Meg, I thought you were supposed to be calm. Cool. Jeez. You're really so uptight, aren't you? Mistress Meg," teased a male voice. Jack Lithgow, aged ten and seven years and by far, the eldest among the trainees in the squad. The 87th Trainees Squad was composed of many people. There was Jack Lithgow, a man who could work hard with all his efforts. Charlie Hunter, Meg's friend, was a woman whose laughter was raucous. Her tongue could produce and spew racy jokes, as well as words that could make people weep and cry and laugh from comfort, relief and amusement. The graduates were being assigned and she was placed in a squad with Charlie, and Jack.

The nickname Mistress Meg and Lady Meg made Meg's stomach lurch. Jack Lithgow had come up with the nickname during the first day of classes. He had immediately noticed her red hair – and how she wore it. Tufts of long red hair always being braided up and bunned up her head to put it out of her way. Before testing for the 3MDG gear, Meg had put her hair up in a loose bun and set atop it with a pencil to secure the bun. While in the line, she had been daydreaming – then the youth had snatched the pencil from her bun. Proceeding to test the 3DMG gear, the girl had not noticed that the bun was frizzing loosely – and then her hair had gotten caught up in the gear. The youth then went on to make fun of her and as a result, Meg had taken greater pains to get her long red hair out of her way. Mistress Meg it became, for the way she carried herself, Mistress Meg, for her gentle manners, her way of talking and caring for others. Mistress Meg for the way she walked and greeted you, and the annoying way how her eyes went all soft and warm and liquid and her mouth spewed ladies' words like she was nothing but a parrot.

"Well, I'm human," Meg snapped back.

"I suppose so. I can't wait to see our new teammates!"

"Hmm, we're under the Commander himself – and by his side, there's a woman. They call her the Queen of Thorns."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes."

When Jack turned to look at her, his gaze was an intense brown vat of chocolate. His manner was stiff, and less boyish, and suddenly, she was fooled. That Jack would be so serious about it. The Queen of Thorns, thought Meg, her mind racing. What a woman she must be, to be called the Queen of Thorns. The Lord Commander was a strong man and to be with a woman they called the Queen of Thorns, it would be safe to infer she was his equal in calibre.

"They say she's clever. Her words are direct."

"Then she won't be that nurturing with us," Meg murmured. "Clever, direct. What else have you heard?"

"She's taken a fancy to Erwin Smith. That good-looking one the other girls were drooling over. Ohh – and to his friend, the short one. The one with gray eyes and black hair."

Meg shrugged.

"I didn't see him," she decided. A lie.

"You should remember him. He was looking at you."

"He'll be staring at me, then. My hair is 'carrots,'" Meg spewed drily. Her tone was acerbic. Carrots, she thought, was another intolerable nickname that her class had produced for her. Mistress Meg, for her manners, then now, Carrots. Her hair was the color of carrots – and she disliked it.

"Carrots, eh? You should have seen the way he was staring at you. He looks like he fancies the look of you."

"Lies."

"I'm not kidding, Mistress Meg."

"Oh, really? Why would some short idiot fancy me?" Her voice snapped, and raised louder.

"Because…"

Nothing could stop the silence from filling the awkwardness in. At this point, the two soldiers were in front of the door of the room, where their squad was supposed to be gathered.

"Because what?"

"Because…"

The answer never came, because wood burst inward – and out came a man in a Scouting Legion uniform. His eyes were sullen, a wolfish gray, and he was a panther in terms of frame. His brown jacket covered his muscular arms and there was a white cravat attached to his neck.

"Shit." Jack cussed.

The man turned to look at Meg and Jack.

His eyes were passive.

"The Queen of T-Thorns," Meg mustered. Her eyes locked with the man's. Blue and gray. "I-Is she there? Sorry if we disturbed you."

The short man's nose twitched in disgust.

"She is."

Jack and Meg swapped glances at each other.

"Your names."

Meg opened her mouth and looked at the short man in the eye. She held eye contact with him. Despite Jack's presence by her side, that very second when she met his eye, there was something that held there. Was it electricity? It unnerved her; she didn't plan to feel like this. What had she wanted? I want to help. Not this. A dash of an electric feel in the air, the wind bumping in the skin of her neck. His gray eyes were slow and liquid, stable and calm. His posture was rigid, straight but there was the intimidation that oozed from him like a fire that had yet to reveal itself from him. With the way she looked at him, it was easy to imagine that Jack wasn't there. Her eyes saw a whiff of his hand – and then God forbid, her heart raced so fast that her hands were getting clammy.

It was so tempting to think that – This was unforgivable.

"Capet and Lithgow."

"Lithgow, Capet." The man nodded.

"So is she expecting us?" This time Jack cut in the conversation.

_How polite,_ thought Meg drily.

"She is."

"What's your name?"

The man raised a brow.

"My name?"

"Yes," Meg put in.

The man gave her a quick look.

"Levi."

_See?_ Meg thought, _Look at the way he looks at me, Jack. He's not fancying me. Not by a long mile. You are obviously kidding me._

"Well, go in. You've delayed the meeting long enough."

Jack sighed and pushed Meg inside the room.

[-]

"Ah, finally, a rose among thorns!"

At the head of the table, there she was. A woman with a tongue as sharp as a blade, she was a beautiful woman. Her features were keen, her nose sharp and high, and her skin clear and moist. Her hair was a fountain of brown and her eyes were the color of emeralds, constant and unyielding. What was really striking was the way she carried herself – she was one of the men, with a big presence, with her large brown eyes, her dimples, and her toughness. This was the real deal. In her youth, she would be very attractive, with a strong sense of sex appeal oozing from her.

A blond head turned.

"So that's her?"

Meg blushed.

In the flesh. Erwin Smith.

Levi took the seat next to Erwin.

"Y-Yes. I'm Margaret Capet," Meg explained, her eye on the woman at the head of the table. So this was the Legion's Queen of Thorns. "Charlie Hunter's supposed to be with us, and I came here with Jack Lithgow."

The woman grinned.

"What was your rank in graduation?"

"I was in third place," Jack cut in. At once, the woman's eyes turned on Jack. Erwin and Levi swapped glances and put on serious looks. This was a woman, Meg observed, that you had to be careful with, especially with your decorum. One wrong word and you would not compete with her fury. She swept like a thunderstorm. Sharp. Witty. For a moment, she wondered – how was it like, to work under her. The woman.

"I wasn't talking to you, you oaf. I was talking to _**her**__. _Our only rose among thorns."

"Really, I'm no rose, my lady." The shy reply escaped her lips. There was no stopping the polite and gentle tone from her lips. "Just a willing maiden."

The woman laughed.

"Isn't she precious, Erwin?" The woman looked around and unapologetically, hit the table with her fist. Two large cracks resounded across the wooden table. "I want my snacks. I need tea. I asked for it. Erwin, can you tell the orderlies to get me back my cheese? And also tell them our precious rose needs to eat her snacks."

"I told you already, my lady"-_oh damn, I said it again,_ thought Meg irritatedly-"that I'm not a rose. I graduated at seventh place, my lady, I am afraid."

"Have you heard yourself speak? You talk like an heiress. You carry yourself like a princess who is saving her body for her husband." The woman frowned. "Erwin, I need to eat."

Erwin stood up from his chair and exited the room.

"Do you know why you two are in this room?"

Jack grinned.

"Because you are convinced we're pretty gifted. And also, we're three. Charlie's still..um… delayed."

The woman sighed.

"In this room, I have Erwin Smith and Levi. I added Charlie Hunter, Jack Lithgow and Margaret Capet to this collection. Also, there is also Hanji Zoe in the mix. I've chosen you all for special reasons, and one of them is to take you all under my tutelage, as my squad. Commander Shadis chose Erwin Smith first, and I took Erwin Smith under my guard. The man has plenty of potential and smarts, and well, Levi, has great skill with the 3DMG gear. Hanji Zoe, as absent as she is, possesses one of the greatest and most curious minds on the field."

"So you do want something from us," Jack declared. His eye froze on the woman. He was not terrified of biting on to her. Hold onto her for something.

"Your skills. You graduated third, and Charlie graduated eighth place. Our little rose came in seventh." The woman wasn't going to allow Jack just easily to come biting at her. She had true bravado in her mouth. She was not willing to let him claim the price of bravado this easily. Jack was testing uncharted waters this way. "Now, are you aware of these certain skills that made me choose you? I've talked to your instructor."

Jack laughed.

"I'm quick in battle. Also, I did well in the written tests."

"And Charlie…"

"Charlie's a good tactician."

"And Capet?"

"M-Me?"

Meg blinked.

"I came in seventh. All I remember is that the instructor was well, hard on me," she murmured. It was a true story. He did say she was clever, but she did not really believe in such a thing.

"Your gift is something you still have not seen yet, sweetling. You're a good soldier, don't worry." The woman yawned. "Now, now, why is that Charlie Hunter taking so long? And my food, too."

"Erwin will come back," Levi answered her, his voice blunt as a razor. "He always gets the job done, Captain."

The woman nodded, almost placated at Levi's answer.

"Capet, you have a gift. You're perfect."

Behind her, Meg could imagine that Jack was sniggering and snickering at her.

"Now, why is Erwin taking so long, though?"

Jack chuckled.

"And why is Charlie taking so long?" he whispered, his lips tickling Meg's ear. Meg's forehead twitched. Charlie. Charlie. Why did Charlie have to miss this? Charlie usually got late to classes a lot, and liked doing things at spur-of-the-moment. It annoyed her a lot, too. Not to mention, Charlie could be a huge trouble maker. With the men, it was a tricky story. She got into fights easily, too – and had a mouth that ran like a sewing machine. Before joining the trainee squad, Charlie's hand had been promised already to a cousin; her family in Trost was bankrupt and a cousin who ran a bakery business had agreed to marry her to keep her in line. Whatever schooling Charlie had was rather little; her father had said Charlie's mouth was too quick for her. Sometimes, she thought too fast and the thoughts would leave her mouth too fast that it got her into plenty of trouble that much. However, Charlie thought best on her feet, running. It was a weakness and strength too prominent to ignore in her nature.

"Maybe she got into a fight on the way."

"Maybe she enjoyed her breakfast too much and demanded thirds."

Laughable.

Charlie loved to eat. It was a known fact. It was she who loved to hoard food from the kitchens inside her dormitory room with Meg. Sometimes, in the weekends, when she felt like it, she could cook and bake things. It was one of her rare times when Meg actually saw her calm. When she cooked, anything she touched became divine. The kitchen would smell of dough, cakes – the smell of the old food back at the Capet estate, the sweet pastries Meg loved to mess up with the cook. When Meg helped her, Charlie appreciated it.

"Your food's here."

When Meg looked at the open door, her friend was there .

Charlie's hair was messy. Her face was clean, but there was just something wrong with her. Aside from the fact Erwin was practically _supporting_ her, there was this unquenchable stench. The smell of alcohol.

"Oh, shit."

The cuss word left Jack's mouth, and Meg frowned.

"Oh, Charlie, don't tell me you got drunk," Meg muttered to herself in a low voice.

"I look like shit, don't I?" Charlie shrugged and limped to the chair placed next to the chair where Meg was occupying. She mouthed a lousy thank you to Erwin, who nodded curtly and took his seat beside Levi formally, as if nothing happened.

How did he not laugh? How could he take her so seriously? Meg was pretty shocked about it. Here was a female recruit practically leaning onto him for support and not to mention, she was in a hangover. The party for graduation obviously was the culprit. Unless you actually thought about it and came to the conclusion that the girl did get herself drunk on the wine served. In Sina, such behaviour would be shameful for a woman – especially if her family was from a great House, like Meg's. Women were supposed to act prim and proper. Wear their hair in braids and buns, wear skirts, and curtsy, to answer to their lords and obey and wait on their families hand and foot.

"Don't tell me you're drunk," Meg whispered. "What happened to you last night, really?"

"I had tons of fun. Unlike you."

"Excuse me, I had fun."

"Fun? If you call drinking tea and eating all those honey cakes and cookies fun! I had fun with the others. We went drinking and the guys played a game with us, while you were practically draining the kitchen of honey cakes."

Meg blushed; honey cakes were a guilty pleasure.

"Don't tell me playing games with men is fun," she retorted.

"Really, you should stop acting like an old lady, Meg. Look at you! Surrounded by the likes of Erwin Smith! Maybe one of these days, you'll get your wild side on and have fun with him."

"I will pretend you didn't say that."

"Can you two be quiet?" Levi snapped.

"It was her," fired Charlie and Meg at the same time.

Before they could get angry at each other, the woman accepted the dish from Erwin and ate.

"Anyway, all of you will be placed on my squad altogether. I want to watch over you. All of you have to watch your backs for one another," the woman went on. It was becoming clearer and clearer to Meg why she had to see this woman as the Queen of Thorns. "You are all a team. I expect you to keep to each other. It's hard to find someone you can trust nowadays, especially in the military. In your shifts off the military, you should try to get used to each other, do you hear that?"

"We know," Erwin answered her.

No one said anything to that.

"That means you will spend time together as a group. Warm up to each other. Squad Thorn, that's what you are now. A single unit."

Erwin nodded. It seemed safe to assume that the next head of authority if this captain would not be around would be Erwin, Meg deduced.

"Now all of you are dismissed."

At that, the chairs shuffled. The door became the automatic place to go to for this. Jack eyed the door intently, and Meg let her shoulders relax. After this, she would talk, with Charlie and maybe acquaint herself with Erwin and Levi, or maybe get her shift hours in order… Maybe even she could visit Squad Leader Vane, the uncle who had gotten her into the military. After all, she needed to see him as soon as possible. Three years of letters compared nothing to a visit in person. Would he cry? Jump in joy? Worry? Anyway, maybe she had her duties in order now.

"Except you, Capet. I want to talk to you."

"M-Me?"

What did she do this time? Was it because Levi had overheard the conversation between Jack and her? Was it because she was a freak? The awkwardness was too strong.

[-]

Now, they were no longer surrounded. The woman offered Meg a smile that reminded Meg of a cat. Her green eyes sparkled. She was more alive than necessary for a woman with her age. This woman didn't deserve to be called the Queen of Thorns for nothing. Her presence was strong but so was her voice. It was obvious she was some kind of collector; she liked choosing pretty things. Things, that had plenty of value in them, and it was obvious to Meg that the woman favoured Erwin and Levi a lot. Levi, according to the woman herself, was plenty useful with the gear, and Erwin, they said he was a natural leader, and as cunning as a chess player. The world was his chessboard.

And where did Meg sit with this? She couldn't imagine herself being useful in a squad with Erwin Smith. Her tendencies seemed to differ from his. His world was different from hers. She was as naïve as a little baby compared to her squadmates, she thought. Twelve years stuck in an estate in Wall Sina, taught to bake, to hold a lute and sing, to use herbs and to be a lady of the manor. What was that? She had nothing to be proud of, Meg thought nervously. She just did what was asked of her. But still, what did the Queen want from her? She had wanted to help.

"You're not like your other squad mates, Capet."

"I'm a freak, Captain." Meg hung her head, her face ablaze. "What am I compared to them? I'm just nothing. I'm fifteen and they're older than me. They know more than me. They know what the world's like. Me, I've seen little of the world. I'm just a girl who knows how to capture a unicorn. I'm not a tactician. I'm not that good with weapons."

"You're not a freak, Capet."

"Then why the hell did you put me into this squad?"

"This will be tricky to explain." She laughed. "You're a _shrewd_ little thing. You're clever, you know how this whole thing works. I've done digging about you – the Capet family, you're from one of the richest families in Sina."

"Whole thing…" The puzzle pieces had clicked. "So, you mean, politics?"

"Of course, I do! You do realize, you know things, and you have things that are valuable to use, for the sake of the Legion and what's left of humanity. You speak and carry yourself like a lady; you can emphathize easily. You have compassion with you. You have plenty of potential for leadership, and you would be a great piece for me to play. You're attractive, Capet. Your words, your deeds, they can help us."

"You are telling me I know how to play political games."

"And people are drawn to you. You're a kind woman, and a shrewd one, if need be. I won't be always there, forever, Margaret Capet. I'll need someone to mend into someone who can replace me."

"Me?"

"Of course. It had to be you. You would understand, out of all the girls I've scouted. You know how politics works. You have a good heart. You are smart. You are willing to learn. "

"I am willing to learn. I'm not born for myself."

"The Scouting Legion needs a woman who can be the Queen. I want you to want to be a queen."

"A queen?"

"A woman who will know her way to deal with royal politics, who talks to the royal council if need be. A woman who will help our cause. A woman who will deal with military politics like a queen."

"And that will be me."

"Yes."

"Your cards lay in your training. I wanted to teach you the ways. I can make you a great leader. A queen. Keep Erwin by your side. He will help you."

"And Levi?"

"He is a knight."

So this was indeed a chessboard.

"Challenge accepted, Captain," Meg murmured.

"You and I will be a good team. I'll teach you to be a queen. To talk and carry yourself like one."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Don't call me that."

"Then what shall I call you?"

"Call me Captain."

"Ah."

"We will have private lesson sessions thrice a week. I will teach you things you will need. Manipulation. Strategy. Elocution. Business. Economics. Your manners are tons better than Levi's."

Meg giggled.

"That's true," she allowed herself to say.

"Your instructor allowed me to look at your progress in being a soldier. You won't do too badly, I assure you. Since it's your first year, Erwin and Levi will have to be hard on you."

"I'm prepared for that."

"What do you think of Erwin?"

"He's a great leader. Handsome, strong, he'd make a fine House Lord one day, if he were a noble. Cunning. He knows what he wants – and how to get what he wants."

"You don't have to be too formal with me, my girl."

"Eh?"

"Tell me what you _personally_ think of him. Do you want him in your bed? Don't you want to feel his arms around your waist?"

"E-eh?" Meg's eyes widened. "W-Why would I want that? I really don't want any man in my bed. I'm just fifteen, and I don't have any intention to do reckless things."

"Go on."

"I think it'd be good to acquaint myself better with Erwin. And Levi, too. I need to watch Charlie's back. Also, there's also Jack. "

"I find it funny you don't see Erwin in a romantic light."

"Eh? I don't really see why I should. We are squadmates, after all."

"How about Levi?"

"Levi? He seems pretty passive to me. Steady. I like it – but I'm nervous of him. He reminds me of a panther. Deadly, poised, a little unruly. Young."

"Jack?"

"Ah. He's just being himself, nothing wrong with that but he is unpredictable. He hates being restrained. He has a good head on his shoulders, but he… He can be cruel. He was cruel to me when we were classmates, and he needs to be taught some discipline with regards to others."

"Cruel?"

"During the first day, he messed up my hair and my hair got caught in the gear. Then one time, he called my hair 'carrots'. He loves playing practical jokes on me. And he is pretty rude, and can be selfish, too." Meg sighed.

Captain laughed.

"Do you have any qualms about the kinds of things you'll do for your cause?"

"Me? Nothing."

"Good. You see, a woman has many ways."

"Ways?"

"Yes. Sometimes, if needed, the one between her legs. Sometimes, her ability to make peace. Her ability to spew words saves her. You are a woman – and you need to use that in itself to save yourself. Sometimes, she needs to show skin. Other times, she needs to act. Sometimes, she will need to look pretty and doll herself up. "

Her glance at Meg made the girl stiffen.

"Are you willing to do such a thing?"

"I am."

[-]

After this, Meg thought as the captain dismissed her, she would be getting some rest. Visit the Vane uncle. Mayhap, send a letter to Rose and her younger brother. After all, home was just a concept. Military life would be tough, and she needed to have a fill of home, where the sun shone, where her brother and sister waited for her with open arms and happy smiles. Home.

When she left the room, she didn't notice to see the lingering dark shape on the wall of a turn on the corridor.

"Hey –"

But the shape was too fast – and she reacted. The contrast in their movements was too large. She was dealing with a predator. Swift, and accurate – while her manner of movement was to stare, open her mouth, let her mouth coax this animal into decency, pet it. The rush of hot air, and the close brush of jackets against the wall. Skin lightly tapped on skin. The clash did not have to be so slow to commence - the mere clash of aura proved enough. Shock. Guilt. Displeasure. No touches should be exchanged - that was what both going in through their heads. Slipping on the surface of the wall, the mere grab at her wrist practically _**burned** _her skin. The contact was like a vat of warm water - it was like she was _compelled_ to join in the contact. She pulled away - and he tugged, and then more clashing. Skin on skin. Muscle on muscle.

_A lady does not let some thug touch her._

Levi looked at her – and he let go of her. She took a few steps away from him, eyes incredulous, her posture rigid. Sweat laced their faces and the skin beneath their clothes.

"I overheard you again."

"Spying on me again?"

"…"

"Well, spit it out, Levi," Meg declared. She rolled her eyes. For now, she would ignore the fact that Levi seemed like a thug. Ugh. Forget that. She would be careful with him at this rate. The tension in his fingers almost terrified her. This was a killer she was dealing with. What could he have done to her? "What do you have to say to me? What did I do to you?"

"Capet, you should be careful of whatever comes out of your mouth and head. You're not a queen. You're a soldier like the rest of us. What makes you think you're better than the rest of us?"

"I'm willing to work," Meg replied. "You're a soldier. I'm a soldier. Does that make one of us greater than the other?"

Levi's nose twitched. _Well, well. Looks like this one thinks she's so smart._

"You don't like me, do you?"

Her tone was softer.

"You're a comrade. It's a fact we both can't ignore," Levi replied. "And you acknowledge the fact we are both soldiers."

"Then I take it you're fine with me?"

Levi's reply was to scoff.

"Well?"

It was a demand, this time.

"I'm just going to warn you, to do your job. Know your place, Capet."

"It's not just Capet. It's Margaret. _**Meg**_."

"Tch."

"I will make an empire for the Legion, if that will be my job. I don't care, I know I can do my job, Levi. I was not born for myself alone."

He loosed his hold on her collar.

"An empire, you say? You're not a conqueror. You're a little bird."

"I'm not. I'm _**Meg.**_"

"Then that makes me Levi."

A snort.

"Aren't you going to –"

"I'll do what needs to be done, then. I apologize if I was rough."

Meg acknowledged it with a nod.

"Say, do you want to go have a cocoa drink with me?"

This would be the most logical way to warm up to Levi. Maybe if she got to know him more, maybe she could _help_ him. After all, he didn't seem so bad after all. There was this stability in him. Also, a little bit of unpredictability that she found unnerving. He seemed to be quiet. Introverted, like her.

"You're sweaty."

"Not my –"

"You're still filthy."

"Ugh. Can you ignore the fact I do have some sweat in my shirt?"

"No."

"Still no?"

Meg sighed.

"You're sure as hell asking me to go eat a meal with you when I don't."

"What's wrong with that? I do want to eat a meal with you."

"I sure as hell won't."

"Why?"

"Hn. I've got better things to do."

Rejection.

"Sir!" Her protest was soft.

He raised a brow, cranky.

"You need to explain –"

"I don't have time to be dealing with you right now."

[-]

"Charlie's your name, right?"

Here she was. All alone in the cafeteria. Sitting in front of Erwin Smith. Breathing the same air as him. Practically in front of him. Her heart skipped beats, her hands were clammy and slippery. Her mind was jumbled, her brain and nerves trying to accept the fact she was placed on the same squad as _**the**_ Erwin Smith, who was legendary among women and men in the Scouting Legion. Unlike Meg who technically kind of lived under a rock when it came to some things, Charlie lived in the moment, the tempo and the speed of time and living. Touch. Feel. Smell. Away from her, Erwin was practically a god.

"Yes."

"Did you go out drinking last night?"

"I did."

Erwin was a respected senior by more years. Erwin, to judge, was tall. Heavily muscled, and he had a nice facial structure. Years of using the 3DMG had toned his body so well. His brows were thick and arched, his nose strong and his jawline edgy like the jawline of a sculpture placed inside the home of a Wall Sina noble. His eyes were nice. Blue. Like ice, thought Charlie. A blue that was colder than the blue in the eyes of Meg. They said he was like a scholar – intelligent, cunning, he could be ten steps away from you when you played chess with him. Yet Charlie herself, she had never seen him as a scholar. A warrior. A good-looking soldier. Time to swoon.

One you could swoon on.

"Ah. Miss Hunter, what do you do enjoy in your spare time?" Erwin leaned forward.

"Me? Ah." _Dreaming about you,_ Charlie could joke. What could she think of? There was baking with Meg.. Hmmm. She wanted his approval, Charlie did. She wanted Erwin Smith to think she had a good personality.

"I like to eat. I bake. I like physical activity."

Why the heck was he asking her such things? It really didn't seem to be his business to go around asking; he was a prodigy, that was what she heard, at least. Smarts and calculation didn't exactly smell good in Charlie's face, anyway. Charlie liked being in crowds, she liked moving, because she had a direction – or she could go run and run all day, feel the sweat gather in the back of her shirt, or even get lost in the sensations of energy running through her body. Theories bored her; unless you needed some practical advice, it was better to throw and toss the rule and the book out the window. Charlie was a tactician - and she valued practicality. It mattered in life or death. Not a fucking _theory_.

"Is that all? I'm sure a pretty girl like you has more to you."

_He called me pretty._ Charlie sighed.

"I beg to differ at your comment, Smith," Charlie replied. "Meg's prettier than me. She's more ladylike. Has nice manners. Acts like a lady. "

"Really? Does she?"

"Of course she does." Charlie let the tension run from her shoulders. "She smiles at you a lot, never raises her voice most of the time, at least. She doesn't slouch; her diction is so formal you'd think she was a princess. She sings well, she's never kissed a boy." Charlie grinned. "Maybe I should ask you, Erwin Smith, about your hobbies."

"We were talking about _you_, Hunter."

"Charlie. I insist. You just called me pretty, that's what you said."

"I'm not kidding. It's about time, I say, that Captain Thorn put some pretty ladies in our squad. We got that covered – you and Capet. Not that Hanji Zoe is not attractive."

"Hanji Zoe?"

"Yes."

This time, when he said the name, it had none of the caprice he had when he called Charlie pretty. Erwin Smith. A man. A mystery. Did he actually call her – and Meg- pretty? Was he lying? Was he not? Charlie knew that she was supposed to trust him. After all, he had persuaded the soldiers to pick the Scouting Legion. Even Meg had listened.

"Isn't she the one who is crazy about Titans?"

Queer. A soldier who was crazy about Titans. Unbelievable. Almost impossible. How could a soldier be so fond of its enemy? That was weird. Crazy. What kind of woman was this Hanji to be capable of such things? When Charlie had heard the rumors, she had refused to believe them. But then, Hanji was smart. They said she was smart. They said she was a genius. A genius she was, that was what Charlie thought – a genius who gave into madness. Hence, the result was her love for Titans.

"Not necessarily, crazy."

"Then what would you call Hanji Zoe then?"

"Unconventional."

"Hmm. In a bad or good way?"

"It depends on your perspective, Miss Hunter."

[-]

"What did you call me for?"

The old man laughed. "Still sassy as ever, Officer. I need to check on your injuries from your last expedition." Squad Leader Vane, that was what the old man had been. Now, what was he supposed to be? He was now assigned to the Medical Division, looking at patients with soft blue eyes that could win people over. The Old Man, as Levi liked to think of him, was rather gentle with the patients. He talked to them a lot. It was also nice, that the man was a good medic –the tonic the man had prescribed the last time they had met was effective.

Levi grunted and pulled off his coat. The injury had healed, thanks to the tonic, and the injury had been a wound at his shoulder. Slowly, his fingers unbuttoned his shirt, and he took it off. The injury in his shoulder was fine – but it would mark.

The old man inspected it for a moment.

"Well, I guess the tonic worked."

"It did."

No need to use that tongue, Levi thought. That tongue. His manners were too soft. Especially for a man of his military experience. No need to dig up the files on Vane; Vane was a veteran, and a strange one. Vane was a man Erwin Smith respected, and a man who was doing well. There was something loose, a few screws a little loose. Vane's collar was dirty, and his hair was messy. Sweat decorated his face, and his eyes were keen but were liquid, unsteady.

"So, I heard you got new squadmates. How are they?"

"How is that any of your business?"

"I'm…curious." A smile in the man's voice; he wouldn't have to fool this one. "It doesn't hurt to hear details about your life. It makes things more bearable, especially for a job like mine."

"Two females, one male."

"How do you find them?"

"Naïve. A bit too young, but what choice do I have in it?"

"Who's your Squad Leader, anyway?"

"It's the Queen of Thorns. Caroline Thatcher." Nosy as usual.

A pregnant silence followed.

Caroline Thatcher was controversial. No doubt about that. It was either you worshipped her or you hated her. She was a storm, she came at people with weapons and hit you with it. In her prime, Levi had heard rumors, in her prime, that the woman was oozing plenty of sex appeal. A bombshell in her younger days, educated, and a born leader, she was seasoned to lead and fight for the sake of humanity. She didn't belong here; she deserved to be a noble matron, head of a noble House. She would have done much better than the Survey Corps.

"Amazing woman."

The man's eyes locked with Levi's. Blue; that damn familiar manner of looking at him.

"Ah, Levi. Your shoulder's fine, but next time you go on an expedition, you'll need a new medic. Unfortunately, that's not me. I think you have someone in your squad who can take care of that. I'll send for her later."

_Her._

"I need a medic to patch me up, huh?"

"Of course your squad does. Say hello to her for me, will you?"

The blue eyes.

The impeccable manners.

It was too obvious.

"Ah, Capet."

"I'm glad you pieced it out."

"I talked to her. She was…." What words could describe it? The wall. Him. Her. His grip on her. That was too reckless. He hadn't expected she would be reactive to him. She was seventeen, a few years younger than him and Erwin, and in ways, there was something in her that reminded him of a baby. A baby who didn't belong here. "She was clingy."

"Oh. Tell her I said hello."

"Hn."

[-]

Out of the shift, once her things were fixed, Meg thought that she could take a stroll outside, walking around Trost. Once inside her room, she had taken off her clothes and put on a decent civilian outfit. Ripped the bun constricting her long hair, and let it loose to her waist. She had slipped on a smart and nice light green dress and a coat, and some slippers. To her surprise, out of her private room, Jack had been waiting for her. There he was, looking smart. His black hair was combed, and he looked great, in a gray scarf, beige coat and pants, with leather shoes. It made him look mature - if it were not for his dimples. Wordlessly, he extended his arm out to her and she had taken it. Together, the two had slipped out from the HQ, and walking casually around Trost. Just two young soldiers in civilian clothes, keeping warm, keeping close.

Minutes passed by – Jack's arm with her. Jack's hand intertwining through her fingers. His fingers wound around hers, and the touch was warm but light. This wasn't like Levi's fingers, Meg thought; Levi's fingers were lightly callused but well-kept. Jack's hand was younger than Levi. Clean, but no calluses. Still, it was kind of weird. Why did Jack hold her hand? Why did Jack have the nerve to wait for her? It was as if he was a prince.

"Don't you ever wonder what's out there?" Meg found herself mumbling. Walking beside Jack was weird. He smelled like peppermint, and ginger. Something stronger oozed from him, though. A perfume that was highly familiar to her – he smelled like her father.

"Out where?"

"Beyond the Walls."

"Is that why you joined?"

"To explore the world? See what's beyond the Walls, you mean, Jack?" She spun her head, her hair lightly brushing against his face. "Part of it, it is."

"I see." Jack chuckled. "I've wondered a few times myself, Mistress Meg. Have you truly tried to wonder yourself, about that?" When he spoke, it was like he was not the Jack Lithgow who seemed so long ago, had called her hair carrots, or the boy who had teased and backstabbed her so often behind her back. At least, that was what she _thought_. Maybe he kept it as a façade. There was so much to him, things she wouldn't know, because she kept to herself, and her priority was going to do well, while he was just so good at everything. Girls fancied him; men wanted to be him and he, he was smart. When he said her name, Meg thought, this time, he said it like she was a statue.

"I've heard stories. About this beautiful body of water. It's out there. I want to see it."

He shook his head, his eyes shining.

"And where have you heard such stories?"

"From my childhood, when I had a family, and siblings who I took care of. " This was the first time she mentioned her personal life, and history. Her siblings now no longer had her. Was she telling him too much? Inwardly, she mentally panicked. No one was supposed to know such things, these things explained and gave away too much. It was too bad she had been mocked at for being too clingy when she had been a trainee, and now, what else could she do? Jack was a squadmate, and worse, Erwin, and Levi, too.

"Who told you such a story? I'm pretty curious. When I was younger, I never took it on myself to think about things."

He glanced at her – and she bit her lip.

"Eh, Meg? Cat got your tongue. I want an answer."

"E-Eh-" She closed her eyes and walked on.

"Meg?"

Yes. She was walking ahead. Farther. Farther. She was a coward, she thought. Avoiding all these questions. Such questions made her nervous. Her hands were clammy. Her cheeks were on fire. Her own tongue was a traitor. Just go leave Jack and go back to the HQ, that would be the next course of action – Her foot slipped on something in the ground and she found herself slipping. Oh, damnit! She closed her eyes. Damn. She would just have to pretend – instead of landing on the ground, she felt arms grabbing at her arms.

"MEG!"

Jack's voice rose.

"Are you okay?" A deep voice. Oddly, it sounded so familiar.

Meg frowned and she opened her eyes.

_Oh, God's thumbs!_

Her savior was not alone. He was in the street, walking, too, with two male friends. One was tiny, with short black hair, and wearing a black coat over a collared shirt. The other had a beard, and brown hair. His nose was twitching, as if he was smelling her. Her savior had blue eyes, combed short blond hair, and he was tall, muscled.

Two of the men seemed familiar, then it just clicked.

"Oh, thanks for saving her, Erwin!"

Erwin Smith had caught her just when she was about to fall.

_This. Is. So. Embarrassing. _

Erwin Smith, she thought, may have saved her and caught her, but then it had consequences. One of his friends – the one who was looking with eyes that told a thousand stories and said none of them behind his sullen expression, was eyeing them.

Obviously, he didn't like it.

[-]

"You know, you didn't have to save Capet from tripping in the street."

"I know."

"Why did you save her? You will put ideas in that girl's head." After all, she gave everything away. The girl would swoon over Erwin – and neglect her task as part of the squad. He could not and would not stand for it.

Erwin looked back at his friend, slightly amused.

"Ideas? Who said she was having them in the first place?" Erwin blinked. It was amusing, to see Levi act like this. "If I didn't save her, what do you think might have happened? You know our leader wouldn't like Capet getting into an accident."

"I don't think she's going to get into an accident if you didn't save her. I've seen her type far too many times."

"…Type?"

"Prim. Spoiled. Her accent betrays her – as well as her table manners. She's just a little bird. She will die, eventually." Levi had a good eye – but then, so did Erwin. Thatcher, Captain Thatcher had groomed Erwin herself, keen to support him and his cause. Levi was to be groomed – even if it meant getting into a physical fight with him.

"The Queen thinks she's clever."

"Clever she may be, but strong is she not. Capet thinks she's so great. She needs to be put in her place." Levi didn't favour the girl with his words. His words damned her. The girl was almost a child, with her manners. There was a soft-skinned girl. One with a dreamy look in her eyes, and a shock of electricity in her mind.

"How are you going to do that, then?"

There was a silence that bordered on thinking, not speechlessness.

"Firstly, she needs to get ideas out of her head." _Ideas, indeed._ Capet had her head buried in the clouds, her nose buried in books, and whatever things Thatcher was teaching her. Majority of her training time was spent with Thatcher; when Levi passed by Thatcher's office, more often than not, he could hear the two women talking – the younger girl would be practicing rhetoric, flowery speeches, and sometimes, he heard dance music playing. Sometimes, she sang at a high pitch his ears ached and his head ached, and his irritation level swept off the roof. Every word from her mouth, in that irritating manner her mouth procured words, it made him detest her the more. A pig. A pig who knew nothing at all. The girl knew nothing – and she was a little bird.

"Who said she was having ideas about me? You know very well, it's hard to resist a man like me. The girl still hasn't touched a man," Erwin chuckled grimly.

[-]

"Are you sure you know what you're doing with Capet?"

"Of course, I am. Why are you asking me? I'm the captain, I know what I'm doing. Out of all the people who had to be asking…"

"The brat is a child. She shouldn't be here."

"Tch. She's a child. She's willing to learn."

"Willing to learn to kill?"

"She chose it, not me. She wanted to obey. She wanted to _help_."

"It is still not enough. At the end of her first expedition next week, when she's dead, do you think by that time, she will be happy she wanted to help?"

"I spend more time with her than you. I know her more. You don't get her, do you?"

"The girl is a brat. She's a child. For hell's sake, the wench ended up tripping in a street in Trost. If it weren't for Smith's fault, then she would end up in the infirmary, unconscious – and being useless."

"You don't like her?"

"I don't like her attitude."

[-]

"So… how's your first day so far?"

"I…got tired. Jack's acting… queer. He's never nice. Not to me. Until now." Meg squeezed her eyes shut. "Sometimes, boys confuse me. You don't know what they think. You don't know what they want. I want to sleep."

"Jack's just being nice. He _is_ nice. His humor is great – if you happen to notice it."

"Calling my hair a vegetable makes it unforgivable. He picked on me, Charlie."

"Nah. Jack is maturing. Explains it all, don't you think?"

When she looked at her redhead friend, said friend was already lying on top of the mattress, hair spilling over pillows, eyes closed – and a copy of a thick book covering her face.

_It must be tiring._


	3. As if Death Itself Was Undone

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Summary:** Time passes – and things need to be learned. Youth, however, is still not running out on a certain redhead.

**Notes:** Timeskips! –w-

* * *

iii.** As if Death Itself Was Undone**

Training time was not that nice. It was even _awkward_, when she got to the training yard. The Queen of Thorns was wearing a tunic, and she was watching over her squad, who was training in the yard like children. Jack was there, and he wore a sleeveless tank top that exposed some of his brawn. Erwin Smith looked flawless, too, doing push-ups in a collarless shirt, and Charlie, the hyper person she was, was running laps, her face scrunched up in intense concentration. A brown-haired woman with glasses and her hair up was the only person in her military uniform. She stood near the Queen of Thorns, papers waved before the captain's face casually. On cue, the captain nodded, and she looked like she was interested in what she was hearing. Jack was lifting weights and Levi, clad in a collared shirt, was doing crunch exercises. Suddenly, Meg felt very self-conscious of her training attire – a button-down tunic too big for her.

"Levi," said the Queen of Thorns, "work with Meg on hand-to-hand combat. After Levi, Meg, maybe you can ask Erwin to work with you on some points of strategy and a lot more. Later. I've already told him what to do with you."

_But Levi…_ Meg's nose twitched with disgust. Why him, again? As far as she knew, he was good with the gear. The gear, she could handle. Back in her trainee days, for close combat, well, it was a tricky story. As far as combat went, Meg could do fine evading. Running and hiding – and using some weapon or two. Physical combat seemed wonky for her. She was a little tiny, after all, and bony, not curvy like Charlie, who had bled during the year they had graduated.

"What rank did you say you graduated in, brat?" Levi barked at her, as he came into closer view. His countenance was bored. His predatory stare slightly unnerved her.

"Seventh! Were you not listening when I told you that?" The way her words came out… That was too soft, but the way she was taught. "That is quite rude, Levi."

Levi's eyes narrowed.

Without saying a thing, his foot lifted – and hit her face.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"See? You weren't focusing, Capet."

Darn it. Her fists balled. What was she supposed to do? Evade? Dodge him? Before she knew it, she was on the ground, dust all around her. Pain jolted her head – and some muscles of her body. Another hit.

"Are you stupid, Capet?"

"I'm not stupid!"

"Then why aren't you thinking?"

His hand hovered above her collarbone – and yanked a handful of her neckline. The brutality! Gray eyes saw through her, and there was something so unreadable about his eyes. He almost seemed like a monster! His speed was animalistic, and beastly. The strength surprised her; she gasped, eyes wide. The ache in her back was smarting, making her eyes water. His hot breath on her face made this even worse.

"Thinking? Thinking of what? I'm thinking – of the idea of you dead at my feet!"

Levi snorted. The grip on her neckline tightened. There was a rip. Wonder what ripped, though.

"Think. If you don't want to die, think." He scowled. His hand did not loosen on her shirt. "Do you even know how to fight?"

Silence.

"Fight? For what?"

"You're an idiot, aren't you?"

"I'm not an idiot!"

Her shoulders shook. Her heart rate increased. Her balled fists itched –and the fire on her face gave her away. What was a lady supposed to do with this? A lady never rose her voice. A lady never fought! A lady was not supposed to be like this! However, something screamed in her head. Fight. What was she supposed to do? Let her mind fool her? What would her behaviour be deemed as? Her clammy hands fidgeted.

"I know you want to fight back. Punch me."

"I can't do that."

The man raised a brow at her.

"So you're really an idiot, Capet."

"I can't! Because I'm a lady!"

He let go.

Before she would let her body hit the ground, her brain didn't stop her now. Before he would react, her balled fist aimed for his face – and hit his cheek. She jumped, and her knee landed on his stomach. A punch from her left hand then the right hand, a knee, and a few elbows. It shocked her. Every hit was used with all her strength, with every fiber of her burning anger at every insult Levi had hit on her, words like bullets. At the sudden violence, his eyes snapped back into predatory mode – and without thinking, she lunged herself at him.

Dust spilled from the ground, and her fingers were wrapped against his throat. Her face was buried in his shoulder, skin tapped on skin. Her legs were kicking at him, the movement unmistakeable as more dust followed. Underneath her, she could feel him move, quick to react to every action she had forced on him.

She was angry. Fury ripped through her veins. Every cunning thought, every vile dislike she had conjured up. A thought of her father, for not seeing her as a daughter who wanted a future to help. A thought of Levi, who seemed to dislike her. A thought of her siblings who had not seen her for years. What had happened? It made her so angry.

"Whoa… I didn't expect you to be so rough." Erwin's voice was amused – and almost impressed.

"Capet," Levi murmured from beneath her.

"Mhm?"

"Get off me."

As Meg stood up, and Levi stood up, she noticed something. They were both dishevelled at this point – the bun in Meg's head was loosened, and red hair spilled to her waist. As suspected, the neckline was ruined, and her collarbone was visible. Looking at Levi, his shirt was wet, and she could see his muscles underneath the shirt.

"Whoa. Look at you two," Charlie hollered. "You two look like you two had a good fuck in the hay!"

"Shut it," Meg found herself snapping. Her ruddy cheeks, half-wet, half-dried. There was something so twisted in her chest that she found herself confused and dazed, with a need to wail. What was this thing? That day, she had never felt herself so worked up over that little shorty. Short dolt, so thought the red-haired girl, her eyes blazing. Her strode was flat and there was intensity to her movements.

[-]

"Really, I didn't expect you two would fight like that, Meg." Here, they were, playing chess all alone in a room. Erwin Smith, and Meg, playing chess, staring at each other. For more than an hour, they had played – and he had taught her things from books, things about politics. And also, about life as a soldier. Erwin had this cultured aura to him, Meg thought, and he seemed sturdy for a young man. Nice, and smart; it was a wonder when they had been playing chess earlier, she had managed to end up with stalemates and sometimes she won, but most often, she lost, too.

"I was… angry," Meg murmured.

"You wet his shirt. Your eyes were red. You two were sweating – and you were crying. Why should a girl like you cry?"

"I… Levi's got a big mouth. He made me so angry. I was angry because I thought I could never lift a hand to fight. I was never taught to fight."

"All of us have to. Has not the thought crossed your mind, Capet?"

"I've always known I have to speak for myself. I always knew that one day, I would have a cause to devote myself to. I… never meant to fight _**physically**_. I didn't think about it; I like words better, you know. I like games, like this. It makes me think faster."

"Physically? You're a soldier, Capet."

"Please. Call me Meg."

"Meg, then. If you can't kill, what are you expected to do? You'll still fight, all the same."

"Me? I… I'll have to fight, because I am a soldier. My weapon… All I know was that I need to serve others. I want to be useful. I was used to living like…."

"Living like what? In what way?"

"Oh, back before I became a soldier, I had a family. I catered to every need. I tended to wounds and scars, and I healed them. Seeing them smile, telling them things like they were worthy of great things, it made me happy to do that. I thrived on that. I don't like seeing pain."

"Meg, one of these days, you'll see pain yourself. It is inevitable."

"If that is so, then…"

"Then?"

"Pain is inevitable…" The girl sighed.

"Sometime later, I want to hear you complete that idea, Meg." Erwin chuckles. She is amusing, he thought. Young, innocent, a child and sometimes, an adult. What Levi disliked in her was imminent; there were things that they had in common and things that they both had certain attitudes with. "With your attitude, I don't doubt your progress in the army. I looked at your file."

Her eyes were big, and her jaw dropped. Her face colored and she shied away from his gaze. Was she _blushing_?

"What did it say?"

"You're naturally a nurturer, by nature. Willing to learn, willing to work. You have a way with words, like me. It's no wonder why Thatcher put us two together. Both of us, one day, will serve the military. We'll talk to the nobility. We'll have to let them see our cause."

"This cause? That's not a bad idea."

"Stick to me, then, Meg. Thatcher's been giving you lessons. One day, you'll be a lady for our cause. We have to do what we can."

"I will!"

_Young. Ambitious. A little too personal and emotional._ _Maybe a little naïve. _

"Anyway, your first expedition is next week. Are you excited?"

"Hmm… A little nervous."

"We'll just see, then, perhaps? "

"Haha. Yes, I think."

"Will you talk to Levi in any case, though?"

"I don't want to."

"Why don't you want to?"

"That's… He invaded my space. He was _**attacking**_ me, Erwin! With his words! His words were too degrading! He was setting me on fire! With his words!" Her words were a hiss. "I can't stand him at this point. I might as well have to keep you as my sparring partner."

"I apologize, then, for Levi's abrasiveness. He's rather blunt, not the flowery talker."

"You shouldn't go apologize for him, **this** case, Erwin." Meg pouted. "Levi… That man confounds me. Staring at me. Murdering me with words. In reference to what happened earlier, he hit me." She gestured to the bandage set lightly on her cheek.

"You'll get used to him."

Meg blinked. "I'd rather be with you than him. I like you better than him. You're charming and polite, and nicer to me than him."

_Another compliment._

"Meg, have you ever been with a man?"

"Huh?"

"All alone in a room."

She shook her head.

"Have you ever kissed a man?"

"No."

"Well, I don't mean to pry, but the work we two will be doing… Well, it involves some work with men where some wiles are concerned."

"E-Eh?"

"We'll talk about it later." He stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow, same time again."

[-]

"So, how was it like, talking with Erwin Smith all alone in a room?" Charlie just had to be loud in Meg's chambers. The sandy blonde was jumping all over the mattress in her scanty nightgown.

"Excuse me?"

"Did you get butterflies in your stomach? I bet you two talked so much about boring stuff. Did he kiss you? Did he ask you if you had a boyfriend? Did he ask if Jack was sweet on you?"

"No. Are you disappointed? Charlie, this is the military. Not a romance novel. He's not going to sweep me off my feet, you know."

Charlie laughed. "I'm sorry 'bout that, then. I just can't help imagining it, though. I get this feeling you'll be likely to end up with either Erwin – or Levi."

"WHAT?!" Ugh! Shipping already? If only she had her choices but this was a choice. It didn't mind her being with Erwin, she personally preferred Erwin over Levi anytime.

"Jack was telling me earlier, that Levi was looking at you during graduation night. Also, I saw how you two were practically topping each other. That was hot, though. Angry. I never thought you liked it rough. Mistress Meg loves angry sex now, I see."

"Excuse me, that is a delusion. I detest Levi. I hate him! Didn't you see? That man was literally shoving me to the sharks! And no! "

"The more you hate, the more you love, Meg. It's just a feeling." Charlie stopped bouncing up and down the mattress and sat on top of the blanket. Her look was warm and almost sentimental. "You shouldn't keep pushing Levi away, though. I think you should get to know him more. While you were being boring as usual with Erwin Smith, I took the time to hang out with Levi and Hanji with Jack. Hanji's amazing, and she's smarter than you – and she even can be an awesome ditz with Levi in tow! You'll learn lots from both of them."

"I don't want to be around Levi. That man is repulsive. His manners are uncouth and uncalled for! I can deal with Hanji, she sounds fun. As for now, Erwin is my mentor, and he's been very nice to me. Very smart, too."

"What do you really do with Erwin?"

"We talk. About books. He teaches me how to speak in front of the public. We play chess. It's been great. Books. Sciences. Arts."

"Ah, being boring, I see. I'd appreciate it more if it had more action." Charlie guffawed. "Levi's good with martial arts! The muscles on him! I'm surprised you weren't even gawking when you two were all over each other trying to kill each other. Jack had a go with Levi – and Levi totally kicked his ass! Haha!"

"You really like action, don't you?"

"Well, yeah. When I was younger, I was the only girl in a brood of four. All boys. So I pretty much fought them. Physically. Mentally. To get food, they often brawled, and I wanted to help so I learned to fight. It's rather practical, but risky. Anything practical – just as long as my family was safe and secure in any term I wanted. I like quick solutions, I've always been that way."

"No wonder you're pretty good."

"You're a beginner, but you're not bad. With practice. Try going at Levi every time we train. If you hold your own or even beat him, then that's the day I'll fight you. I'm not as strong as him – but I'll want to fight you when you're stronger. Makes it more fair."

"One day, huh?"

"Yes, one day. And after that, you and I will bake and eat to our bellies' desire!"

[-]

"My name's Zoe Hanji!"

"I-I've heard about you!"

"So you're Capet!"

So this was Capet. Hanji had heard a lot about her from the Captain – and Erwin and of course, Levi. Then, Jack, who she had met before. As a researcher Hanji had some stuff to tell from Capet. Capet was standing straight, erect, her posture graceful and her eyes soft and at the same time, warm like a vat of water. _Meg, you call her Meg. That's what Erwin said._ Her eyes were… the eyes of a child who knew many things – but knew little of the world. Fragile, almost – but there was some conviction in her body language. What had everyone said?

They called her _Mistress Meg_, the little queen, an active woman.

"I am." Meg smiled at her.

"You're pretty cute! I think we'll get along – you get along so well with Erwin!" Hanji pulled Meg even closer. The brunette proceeded to put her mouth on Meg's ear. "Erwin's been blabbing about you – I haven't seen him act like this in months!"

"W.. What."

"Nothing."

Hanji pulled away.

"Anyway, Hanji," Meg murmured. Her expression was serious, her tone still formal. This was like talking to a princess in some ways. Hanji could understand now why Levi disliked her. The manners, her way of speaking. A child.

"Is there anything about the expedition that I need to remember aside from the fact to keep myself alive?"

"Hmmm… Stick with your squad."

"Hanji."

"Yes?"

Meg cleared her throat.

"I'm pretty new, and I want to work hard for the sake of the squad. As members of the Survey Corps, morale isn't high, but I want to change that. A squad is a bond that is objective, but I know that there are people, people who miss their homes and family, and I want the squad to be a family. To do that, I want people to be in harmony with one another. I'm afraid I ruined that myself."

She sighed.

"Then what is it you need help with?"

"I want to know why Levi isn't the nicest member. Everyone's fine – except him. He doesn't express himself to me, he doesn't like me. I feel like I can't get along with him. It throws off everything."

_Throws off everything?_

"What do you exactly want from him?"

"I want him to be nice. Be polite! It's ruining the morale, and I can't stand it." Frustration gripped her words and the girl ran her hands through her hair. Her eyes darkened and it seemed almost scary, that this young girl was deeply disturbed by Levi's attitude. "I hate how he's blunt like that! I can't trust him! Not now! Not ever!"

"He's your squadmate. You should trust him."

"That's what's making it worst."

"What did he do to you, anyway?" A pretty girl being like this over Levi – it was pretty amusing, as women would throw themselves at Erwin and Levi. Charlie, the girl earlier, seemed ready to throw herself to Erwin, in case they all got drinking. Levi didn't like the girl, didn't even bother touching her or talking to her.

"He made me run fifty laps. We were training, and he knocked me out. He insulted me and made me run till my legs dropped. Erwin wasn't even there!"

Really? The dislike was becoming more mutual.

"The way you talk about Erwin…" Hanji laughed. Certainly, this one was going to get attached easily. A little sensitive, and very, very kind. Pretty and she seemed well-educated, too. She could now see why Erwin had spent time with her. Playing chess, and mostly, talking. A kindred spirit in ways. But was it the best choice that this girl was in the military? Nurturing and rather gentle, bookish and polite, one who didn't get used to rough manners. Would this one die? If she ever faced a Titan… could she be strong enough to stand protecting herself? Hanji knew what she was dealing with: a Capet, and one who knew so little, for all the girl's education and intuition and skill.

"It's not what you think!" Meg's face slightly colored. "We're just friends! In this case, I'd be more comfortable with him."

"Well, stick to someone. Watch your back."

Meg hung her head. A few red strands slipped down her cheeks. "Hanji, I… I checked your statistics. I believe you can help me. I want to know a few tricks I can do with the 3DMG. That way, I can maximize the use."

"Lessen your use of gas. Instead of gas, you maximize the impact of your landing. To prevent any injuries when you maximize the impact, I suggest you bend your knees when you do that. It stabilizes the impact, and there is more momentum." Physics, this was Physics. So Capet had looked up the statistics? Not bad.

"I'd like you to do something for me."

"What is it?" _A little queen_.

"I want us to be friends."

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with that."

"I want to be friends with my squad. A family."

[-]

Time ticked, and what time was there left? It was time for the rookies' first expedition in a week, and Captain Thatcher had many things to fix. She occasionally left, leaving Erwin in charge of the squad. What was left for them to do at that point? Erwin waddled the time, letting Meg bake and cook to her delight, and in one fit, in a night, took so long in the kitchen. Hanji was at her books, and Charlie and Jack were exploring the cupboard hiding the food storage. As long as they were happy, Erwin thought, they would do what they wanted and needed. With Thatcher away, Meg had much time on her hands. Sometimes, he watched her alone – play the harp, sing to herself in her room, play chess with him, or at times, he saw her staring at the open window, eyes wide and open and innocent, imagining life beyond this reality, that the spell was broken and there was something pulling her down under.

It was dinner time, when finally, Meg came out of the kitchen, in an apron over her military uniform. Her hair was undone – the strands spilled on her shoulder, and her face was read. In her hands, she held a rectangular container with a covered lid. The squad had already taken their seats - Erwin at the head of the table, Hanji on his left and Levi at his right. Jack and Charlie were probably looking for food – Charlie usually spent her time outside.

"Okay! Dinner is here!"

"What is that _thing?"_ Levi's voice hardly masked his irritation. "You made dinner?"

"I had nothing to do!"

"You could have spent it _cleaning_ your room." There was acid in his tone. "I did some inspection at your rooms today, and Hunter's room was an absolute _mess_. I think she snuck alcohol in her room. Lithgow's was… a walking trashcan."

"I saw her room. It wasn't that messy," Erwin interjected. It was neat – a lady's room, every piece. Books arranged, smelling lightly of white plum perfume, with her harp and lyre on a corner. The bedsheets were folded, but the windows were often left open. "Clean and well-kept."

Meg shrugged and set the container down.

"I made you all something. I'm new, and I hope you appreciate it."

"What did you make?"

"I found some meat in the storage room." The young soldier pulled the lid off – and the smell came out. It smelled _good._ Meat, juicy and furnished. Lo, and behold, a pack of roast beef, with herbs, spiced and roasted, glowing and juicy, sat in the table. It was dressed well, and there were roasted potatoes in it. Levi said nothing, his eyes scrutinizing the viand with something that was unreadable. Hanji clapped her hands in delight. The squad hadn't had a good meal in a while –and this would be a welcome treat for them.

"So you cooked it," Erwin stated.

"Yes!"

Plates were handed, and everyone got a bite and taste of Meg's roast beef.

"It's delicious," pronounced Hanji. "I haven't had a good meal like this in weeks!" At this, Meg turned her head to Erwin.

"I like it," Erwin said.

"Levi?"

He frowned at her and took a bite of the meat with his fork. Thoughtfully, he munched on the cut of meat for a while. He looked at Meg. "It's decent."

[-]

They were playing chess in the evening, and there was something bothering her. Her fingers shook as she ate his rook, the pieces coming off more. Every time they played, Erwin mused, she only got better. It was a sign of improvement – even when she first came here, she was good, as sharp as Levi, but then, she was just a child. A month of playing chess gave way to talks about books, ideals, life – and the intimacy soon gave way to more meetings. If he wasn't playing chess with her, the other time he got to see her, was that when he was teaching her about handling intrigue and diplomacy, to feel and watch things. She would nod and obey, because that was her nature. A smile, little giggle, or even occasionally, if he asked her to, she would sing for him. Thatcher had put him on a position to help her, and get close to her, because Thatcher had made an investment with that girl.

"You're getting better and better," Erwin commented.

Meg looked up.

"I should be," she murmured, her voice shaking. A frown creased her face as Erwin took her pawn away from the chessboard. Her eyes were faraway.

Tomorrow, they would be on the road. Tomorrow would be her first expedition, and tomorrow she could possibly die.

"Meg, look at me."

Her eyes locked with his. She took a deep breath. "I'm worried. I'm nervous. What if I _die_ tomorrow? Levi thinks I can't make it. Don't you know what they say about me? The odds are I'll die tomorrow! Maybe I'm not meant for this!"

"Meg." At this point, he made a grab for her hands – and immediately, her fingers interlocked with his. Soft fingers. She squeezed, sighing, pale, her hands cold and pale and soft.

"I'm scared."

"I know what you feel. Try to stay alive."

"I know, I know, but…"

"But what?"

"Erwin. I want to forget this feeling. Make it go away."

"There's only one thing I can think of to make it go away."

"Then do it."

She has no idea what he's thinking, because it's a child – that she is, that she knew little, that she wanted to escape this feeling, being drowned.

"Meg. I can't."

"Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Bear it."

"I don't know with you. How many expeditions have you been on?"

"More than you."

"That's comforting. Tomorrow, will you be at my side?"

If only.

"I'll ride at the front, you're at the rear, with Hanji and Levi."

"Tomorrow if I survive my first day, will I play chess with you?" She's putting effort in being cheerful – and he could see through that. Meg was trying to resist the change – she had gotten herself attached. And to him, of all people. It was dangerous, and it was worrying. Was he wrong to teach her and spend time with her, when she looked and smiled on him while her favour could easily be won over by Jack, who spent time with her in training?

"I'll be with Captain Thatcher."

"Who'll keep me company?"

"There's Jack. You have Hanji and the rest."

"I know, but they don't keep me company like you do. I want to play chess with you. I feel happy when I play chess with you."

"Try to play with Levi."

"Him?"

"Yes."

"What if he won't?"

"He will," Erwin allowed. _If I asked him, too_.

"I hope so. I'm not fond of the man."

"I promise he will."

[-]

Erwin, true to his word, had rode in the front, with Captain Thatcher. The forest was a splash of green and above it hung the blue sky. The day was long – and the expedition was tiring. If masking her nervousness was not a chore, Levi had to ruin her day by being the one who was riding by her side, in front of her were Hanji and Charlie and Jack, all talking amongst themselves while in the rear, there was nothing but a dead silence. As Meg didn't like the man, she remembered liking the man's steadiness and jolt of nerves. This one wouldn't hurt her – unless she screwed something up. As she rode, she didn't bother to look at her partner, her eyes on the road, as the wind blew at her hair and for a while, she forgot about the man who was at her side, as she relished the motion of being in a horse, for so long years not being able to see her old mare, Lady. She started to feel her relief at the ease of riding – then she found herself _giggling_.

"Shut the fuck up."

Meg turned to look at her partner. Levi had his eyes ahead, not bothering to look at her. She scanned his features. He was young, not bad to look at. The memory of their sparring section popped in her head. Ah, yes, she remembered how strong he was. How defined his abs were, she thought on; she hadn't bothered to sneak a peek – but she had seen through his wet shirt and knew that his abdominal muscles were well-built.

"Why are you staring at me?"

He twisted his neck to look back at her.

Meg blinked.

"Nothing!"

"You say there's 'nothing' when there's really _something_, Capet."

"I don't!"

Another lie.

"Won't you say anything to me?"

"Good morning, then." There, that was it. Her throat burned at the sight of him. The dislike sometimes terrified her. Was she really that distrustful of Levi? What she had heard about Levi only confirmed her fears that he was dangerous. He had been a murderer. They said he had been a thug in the underworld years before, too.. He was a man with no honor. A man with no honor.

"You're just a little bird, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?"

She blinked again.

"Repeating your lessons, mimicking all those things you see."

"I-I'm not a bird. I'm human."

"We'll see about that."

"What the hell is wrong with me, Levi?"

"You?"

His eyes bored into hers – and for a moment, she thought she could see beyond them. His eyes were like a wolf's. Lethal, dangerous. He was feared, he was dangerous. Sometimes, she wondered, was he capable of any emotion? What had he really thought of her? She didn't like the things he said, she didn't like his rough manners. These were the eyes of a man without honor, who didn't fit in Meg's concept of a hero.

"Why do you not like me? Is it something I have said? Something I have done? Tell me and I will correct it, please."

"Tch."

"I beg your pardon, if I ever have offended you."

"I don't like you."

"Then why don't you like me?"

"Don't you know anything? You're such an idiot, Capet."

"I know something!" Meg's face heated up. "I can't understand you!"

But Levi turned away from her – and kept riding on, as if she didn't exist.

When night fell, and camp was set up, the first thing Meg did was to crawl into her tent, and bury her face in the pillow. Lifting her face from the soft white pillow, she raked her hands through her hair and let her long hair fall past her shoulders. It was dark inside; no one would notice her inside the tent. The tent was kind of spacious, and dark, enough for two people.

She didn't know why. The tears came out, and the day had gone out so sour. Why did Levi's approval mean so much to her? Why didn't he understand her? She missed Erwin – and she missed Charlie and Jack, who were placed in the middle. Tears flooded the pillow, and her heart sank. She wanted Jack and Charlie in the same tent as she did, but she knew that was impossible – Erwin was sharing a tent with Thatcher, Jack and Charlie were sharing with Hanji's spacious tent, more equipped for Hanji's work and two people, as well as Hanji's new assistant, Moblit Berner. Her thighs ached from the riding as much as she enjoyed riding, and the dirt in her uniform didn't bother her. As long as she would cry – yes, she would cry – and people would not notice it.

She didn't want to have other people see her cry. Queens cried, and they didn't do that in front of the public. She cried because she missed her family. What happened to Rose and Ross? How much more did her father have left? Why hadn't he bothered to respect her desire to serve humanity? Why didn't anyone send letters to her? Everyone seemed so far away, and it was only her and Levi in this time. Why did he keep rejecting her?

Was she being lonely? Forcing herself on him? What was wrong with her? Meg slipped her jacket off and her fingers put the wires of the 3DMG off her. Her white shirt was messy and dusty and wet from the sweat accumulated from all the riding. Setting her 3DMG gear on her side, Meg folded her cape and put it next to her. She slipped her shirt off her head – and there, it was just her in her sleeveless top. It was windy, and her head felt so light.

The silence was comforting as the tears kept spilling, one after the other. _If I have to be alone, then I'll accept it_.

She hung her head and buried her face in her hands. What had she done?

_Meg, don't weep!_

Wiping the tears from her face, she opened her mouth, tucking her knees against her chest. Another huff of breath.

_Gentle mother, font of mercy,_

_Save our sons from war, we pray,_

_Stay the swords and stay the arrows_

_Let them know a better day_

The song came out from her mouth. Her voice shook as she kept on singing.

_Gentle mother, strength of women,_

_Help our daughters through this fray,_

_Soothe the wrath and tame the fury,_

_Teach us all a kinder way_

That was the last thing she remembered when everything went black.

[-]

When she woke up, she was on horseback. Looking around, she gasped. They were riding, and at her side, was no Levi.

"About time you finally woke up." The voice came from behind her. Meg looked behind her – and saw familiar dark eyes. They were riding the same horse. He wasn't wearing the green cape. When Meg looked down, she saw two green capes around her – and the 3DMG straps were attached to her, like nothing happened. Someone had put her jacket back.

"Levi! I'm so sorry! What happened?"

"Hanji and Erwin and Charlie and Jack were looking for you and I decided to look. I found you passed out in the tent. Erwin got angry over it. Your pillow was wet. Your uncle, Vane, said you were tired."

_Passed out in your undershirt_. That was embarrassing. He just had to be the one who had to go looking for her, hadn't he?

"I'm sorry."

"Tch."

"How long are you going to ride with me?"

"… Until you're fine."

"Will you…"

"Do what?"  
"Play chess with me."

"Just stay alive first."

[-]

The line had been disrupted – and Meg sensed there was something wrong. Levi had jumped off the horse, not bothering with the fact he had left his cape wrapped around her.

"LEVI!"

_Keep yourself_ alive.

He didn't steal a glance – he was running – the line disrupted. Noises. Feet.

"TITANS!"

Charlie's scream.

What Meg did was to grab her 3DMG and made a jump out of the horse. The hook attached itself to the tallest tree she could find, and she whirred through the treetops, her bun messy, her eyes livid, and her body shaking. The vibrations came next – the sound of mammoth footsteps abounded in the air, and more followed. Clinging to the branch for support, Meg waited, her heart pounding. She lifted the fabric of Levi's cape to her nose, covering half of her face in it. She smelled it. It smelled clean and nice -and musky. The smell was familiar, and oddly, comforting.

It smelled just like home.

Her eyes followed the noises. The clicking and the whirring of 3DMG, and a bunch of people down below were settling themselves across the treetops.

Then _**they**_ came in view.

The Titans were larger than what she imagined. They were giants, they were not called Titans for nothing. Nude, disgusting. The soldiers stationed at the trees below her – they proceeded to make aims for the Titans down below.

"YEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hanji Zoe was _fast_. Before she could say Titan, the woman was laughing menacingly as her blade hit the neck of an Aberrant one – and she proceeded to kill more. In the fray, more Titans followed.

Then Meg couldn't move. Her heart raced, her hands were wet and clammy. They were so huge. What was she compared to this?

"What's the problem, Capet?"

Meg looked below.

Jack was speeding by, one eye on her, the other on his enemy. With two blades, he managed to slice off the two Titans' heads in one kill.

"I…"

"Can't move, Mistress Meg?"

"…"

Meg looked up and down.

"I can't," she squeaked. She was frozen. The nerves…

"HELP!"

People were screaming. Far below – there was someone familiar in the mouth of a Titan. A young man with short auburn hair and gray eyes. He was reaching out for help, and he looked about Meg's age.

Worry shot through Meg's nerves.

"I'm coming there!" Meg yelled to him.

She jumped from the tree, her 3DMG spinning. Her hand held the blade tightly, her eyes fiery. She would save him – she was here for others, not for herself. She was here _to help_. The boy had a family. The boy had people who wanted him to live. He needed to _live_.

Almost there –

The Titan closed his mouth.

NO!

Anger poured through Meg's veins like fire. _What have I done? I let him die!_ Without thinking, she kept launching on. _This is for him!_ The redhead's knives sliced through the Aberrant Titan's Achilles tendon – and instead of feeling so happy on her first kill, a sense of death came over her as she continued to whir through the trees, her hair getting messy and messier with every sight she saw. She saw people struggling to fight – and getting eaten.

Why did she fight? In this blood and death? As her body continued to go on facing the Titans, every time she killed, a piece of heart wilted. With every Titan body she encountered, she let her blades do the talking!

"We're going to die!"

Meg slashed through five more Titans in a continuous motion. Within fifteen seconds, five Titans crumbled to the ground. She looked around for the source of the voice. Down below, were three fresh soldiers. Same age as her, give or take. She knew them – Charlie and Jack's classmates. Robert Stone and Mae White.

Mae was weeping, clinging to a nearby tree for protection.

Robert was pale, staring at the Titans.

Meg smiled.

"Don't think that way," Meg found herself saying, as she latched herself onto the branch they were hanging onto. Her voice oddly, was relaxed and calm. She took Mae's cold hands and squeezed them. "You can do more than this. All of us should contribute to the happiness of humanity – that is to kill the Titans! We have to build a new era together, please. Do your job, and I will do mine, so please stop worrying and remember our duty. This is the happiness of humanity!"

Mae stared at her.

"You…"

Mae hugged her tight.

"You're an angel."

From there, Meg went on killing, for every dead human. The fighting went on for days - and bloodshed was everywhere.

Within the weeks that passed, she didn't see Levi or Erwin for a long time. Within the weeks, however, after the second months of fighting, she saw Mae's corpse – and followed by Robert's.

[-]

"How's Capet doing?"

How many months had it been? Last time Levi had seen the girl, she had his cape wrapped around her. Expeditions took months and it had been _months_; he had gotten separated from her. She was the last thing that inhabited his mind – and the first thing on Erwin's head. Levi and Erwin had come to meet within the battles with the Titans. Tonight, they were at camp, by a bonfire that Thatcher had made.

"Don't you know it's been five fucking months since I last saw her?"

"Didn't I tell you to watch over her?"

Erwin was slightly irritated by this revelation.

"At this rate, she's dead already," Levi stated. At best, if he theorized it correctly.

Silence.

Twenty meters away from them, a figure with red hair escaping her green capes, threw two corpses into the bonfire.

[-]

The return home was tiring, as tiring as those battles. Her body ached, her throat was sore from singing and talking, and her saliva was disintegrating. She was dizzy – and once they had arrived back at the HQ, Meg immediately rushed to get her body clean. She wanted to rip all off her clothes and go shower. By the time she was walking, dirty, in her uniform, the two green capes wrapped around her, her hair was loose and messy, and dry. It had almost gotten caught in the wires – she would take care of that later. She wanted to have some time alone.

Her innocence. What had happened? As Charlie and Jack passed by, Meg gave them a grim smile and proceeded to walk. She heard Charlie mention Erwin and Levi and Thatcher had arrived earlier – and Meg heard Hanji laugh at the new amount of data she had collected. Meg sighed – and getting a fresh towel from the latrine, walked towards the shower room. Standing in front of the door, her eyesight was blurry, and her heart was heavy, and her head spun.

She felt something in her feet, her arms, through her spine, through her wrists. Her face was pale and her hollow self - nothing. What had she been wishing for? What had she wished? No more dreaming. No more dreaming like a girl in love with the wrong things, the wrong song.

Meg stripped off her uniform. The wires fell to the floor, followed by her jacket, and shirt and underwear and pants and boots. Without knocking, she opened the shower room, and was greeted by a wall of steam.

She stepped inside and closed the door.

The shower was running.

Meg hung her head as the water continued to run. It was hot.

"_You…."_

_Mae hugged her tight._

"_Are an angel."_

_Snow White stitching through the circuit boards._

_Robert's corpse._

_Mae's corpse._

She felt like she had to die, too. Water spilled from her cheeks, as out of anger, she hit the wall with her closed fist.

_I don't want to cry no more._

_I don't want to die a little more._

But she cried silently.

To pull herself from harm. To heal with her words. To fight for a better day, to wear a crown and raise her hand, to stand in front of soldiers, to lead them by her side, to fight and catch what was wrong with the world. Was she a warrior now?

The steam receded – and Meg opened her eyes.

She wasn't alone in the shower room. A man was with her, his back to her. His back was highly muscular, his arms long and well-built. Pale skin, with a fresh new scar that bled at his back. Short black hair. The man turned – and looked at her, in all her wet and naked glory.

Dark eyes.

_Oh, darn._

Meg's cheeks flushed and she looked away.

[-]

_Now he's seen me naked_, Meg thought irritatedly as she put on fresh new civilian clothes – a pale white kirtle, inside her room. Getting the folded green cape, she held it with her and she got her box of medicinal supplies as she walked to Levi's room and entered in.

Levi stared at her. He was sitting in his bed, bare-chested. The new wound was fresh, and it needed to be disinfected. Meg set the medicinal box down and looked at the set-up he had placed at the bottom of his bed. There was a basin of water – but no rag. He needed a rag.

"What are you doing here, Capet?" he snapped at her. The bed creaked as he stood up from the bed. "Don't you know _anything_?"

Meg rolled her eyes.

"Just shut the hell up!" she hissed, pushing him away with her hands. She shoved him towards the bed. "Get into the bed now! I'm trying to help. I know something, be quiet."

Meg's hands reached for the basin and she placed it in her lap. She found a chair beside the bed and sat on it.

"Don't you have any idea what the others will think of this? Erwin will think we're fucking!"

"I thought you never cared! This is for your own good, so please shut up!" Meg's voice rose. She was surprised at how moody she was today. "You have a new damned scar and it's bleeding severely – and it needs to be disinfected. Easily. I'm not seducing you. I won't know how to do that. I'm still a maiden." She looked around, for a rag.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"At what?"

"Your being a maiden. Makes plenty of sense."

"Now, shut up before I say anything about my non-existent sex life." Meg sighed. What would she clean it with? Meg stood up and lifted her skirt – and ripped a part of it, exposing her legs to Levi. She dipped the rag in the water and gestured for Levi to come nearer.

"Your eyes are red. Were you crying at the shower?"

"It's none of your business!"

She wiped the blood off his back, one hand resting on his shoulder. She bent over, her long red hair falling past her shoulders. In the candlelight, her hair shone like copper. Her high cheekbones were now prominent, and her well-arched brows twitched in concentration as she tried to clean the blood away from his skin.

"I have alcohol in my box. I'll apply that later. Before I forget, I'll return to you your cape."

He grunted. Her right hand moved from his shoulder down to his arm, then his back. Her face blushed a little at the closeness.

"Are you okay?"

Meg bent down – and she found her face a few inches away from his, as he turned to face her. The basin of water fell to the ground.

"Do I look okay to you, Capet?"

"Idiot," Meg grumbled. "I told you to call me Meg. Call me Meg or I'll abandon you at your time of need."

"Meg."

"Good boy."

She climbed on top of the bed but not without carrying the medicine box and the basin of water with her – and kicking off her slippers. The slippers landed on the ground with a soft_ thud_. Meg proceeded to scrub off the dirt and blood from the fresh wound.

Silence.

"I… I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by telling you to shut up."

"…"

Meg took a deep breath.

"Talk to me," she found herself saying. Her throat ached – and suddenly, she felt just so emotional. She was so tempted to stay in the bed and fall asleep there. "Talk to me, Levi."

"Your hands are so soft."

"So what?"

"You're not from around here."

Meg closed her eyes and opened them once more.

"Wall Sina, is that where you're from?"

She didn't say anything as she dipped the rag into the water. She pulled out the alcohol container from the box and applied alcohol to her hands and another rag. Her hand shook as she applied the alcohol into the wound. Then came the bandage.

"Are you from Wall Sina, Meg?"

"…"

"Meg!"

Without thinking, she threw herself on him, skin meeting on skin. Her hands wrapped around him, her red hair spilling everywhere. Suddenly, she couldn't find herself wanting to leave the bed. Her thighs ached, her heart was hollow, she wanted to get over the deaths, and the sense of guilt and bile building at her throat. Her hands gripped at his wrists. On top of him, she smelled him – blood, musk, death, war, Titans – and this clean smell that smelled so much like home.

The door was opened.

"Meg?"

Erwin.

"It was my fault."

Levi spoke up, as he sat up.

Erwin took one look at her, then Levi.

"Erwin, Levi had a new injury. I treated it," she finally murmured, the words leaving her mouth.

"Is it done?"

"Yes, sir. I'll see you two in the morning."

With that, Erwin left.

Meg sat up.

"I'm so sorry we were caught," she murmured. "I just wanted to hug someone. I'm sorry it had to be you."

Levi stood up, his eyes cold as he slipped on a white shirt.

"It feels like shit, doesn't it?"

Meg shook her head. "I feel awful. I want to forget the feeling – even for a while."

"Now you know."

"I have an idea."

"What is it?"

"I promised Erwin I would play chess with you. How about a game of chess?"

[-]

Because they were friends, they had to play. They played the game of the mind, the pieces switching back and forth. As the night went on, there was little to be said, just that exchanging of pieces, the silence to fill the emptiness in their hearts.

"…Checkmate."

Meg took his king.

Levi sighed. Beaten by a girl who knew little of the world.

"What do we do now?"

"…"

Meg stood up. "I'll go sleep."

[-]

_A Few Months Later_

"I've heard about your progress, Meg," began the Queen of Thorns.

"And what about it?"

"You'll be undergoing more training as part of the squad."

"And?"

"I'll have to ask you a few things."

"What things?"

"Do you know how to flirt?"

...

"No."

"Okay, lesson number one starts now."


	4. Sixth Sense

**EMPIRE**

**Summary:** A mission, and a visit to the whorehouse.

**Notes:**

**IV. Sixth Sense**

_After A Few Weeks_

"I didn't expect you'd survive." Erwin was amused visibly at her survival. Today, it was another chess game – prodding and poking through the chessboard, minds at work. He at his pace, and she with her naivety. It was a wonder how she navigated so smoothly. Maybe they were meant to play together, after all.

"I had to." Meg rested her head on the table. "I couldn't bear dying. I kept crying – I don't know why, but it felt so awful. Imagine, the deaths…"

"I don't think you did badly. You survived. That's great in itself."

"Still."

Meg nibbled at her fingernails nervously.

"I already made my decision. It's a choice with no regrets. I was looking for meaning in my life – and I've had to put others before myself in my responsibilities. I want to work hard; I want to fight harder than before. That way, my life has meaning. I will not stop."

"You're only coping, you know. What did Thatcher give you?"

"She's training me in the womanly arts. I'm learning, and she often takes me to the Capital. Sometimes, she lets me join the expeditions."

"What do you do there?"

"I occasionally kill Titans." Her face darkened. "And plus, I tend to the sick. It's not a bad thing. I'm more comfortable that way. It gives me a lot of things to think about. I liked tending to the sick and the injured."

"You tended to Levi, didn't you?"

"His back was bleeding. Nothing too deep." Which was a relief.

"If you were tending to him, how did you end up in his bed?"

Meg's ears pinked.

"It's nothing. We didn't do anything that was forbidden. I just cleaned his back and talked to him. He seemed so upset."

"He was."

"Everyone at some point got upset because of the death. I let two of my old classmates die – and I can't bear it. Their deaths weigh heavily on me. I find it hard to forgive myself."

"Everyone feels the same way."

"I wanted him to hug me, I thought if I hugged him, maybe I'd make it a little better. I don't know why." Meg sighed. "How do the others cope?"

"They share others' beds."

"So if I shared his bed…" Meg frowned. "Would it be wrong to do that?"

"A lot of the officers do that."

"Isn't there any rule about sex between personnel and officers?"

"There are rules – but majority of the soldiers here, in the Scouting Legion, they have friends with benefits."

"Friends with _benefits_?"

"Yes. It's a common term."

"So, people have friends with benefits to cope?"

"They do. A lot of them do."

"What are they exactly?"

How did he have to explain this to her? "Two people have a friendly relationship. In the day, they are friends. By night or day, they can both bed each other, without commitment. The relationship doesn't have emotional intimacy, nothing really serious."

"Why do that?" "They want to forget, too." Meg let her shoulders heave.

"Forget that idea. I will not take a lover. Not now. I'm only _sixteen_. I've just celebrated my name day."

"Why won't you take a lover?"

"My heart is sworn already." A year ago, she had been in the cabins, reading books, and imagining dragons and the skies outside. "I've sworn it to my work. I will have to be a soldier. I will help the cause, Erwin. I will smile and give people all of me." That was her work – to smile and cheer them up when they needed it. "We all need to carry on, because sacrifice comes. When I was out there, I kept thinking about my role in this war. One day, I need to die for their sake. One day, I will have my revenge on them. Society's happiness would be if the Titans are destroyed – and we all have to contribute to that."

"You're becoming ambitious," Erwin replied. "Is that all you want? With your looks and your tongue, you can have the world."

"No, I'm not. I want to serve," Meg confessed. "I could do more than just join. I can fight! I can become a champion of men! The world needs to be seen, and I want to see the world, too. It's a dream, a childhood dream."

"What were you like?" Erwin chuckled grimly. "As a child?"

"I was tending to people a lot of times. My brother, or my little sister. I braided her hair, I sang to her at night. I helped my brother learn his lessons, and I sewed them clothes. I watched women plant gardens, and by looking, I tried to grow my own. When there was surplus from the harvest of my garden, I would give the surplus to people who needed it more than we did. Simple times, but happy times."

Happy times. Almost four years away, and still she had not gotten letters. Had no one missed her? Meg longed to run her fingers through Ross's and Rose's tangles of hair, and sing to them lullabies of the old. However, she was here, and sometimes, she envied those who had letters from home, from the cities. To keep herself busy, she played chess with Erwin, or Levi, or Hanji, and sometimes, went training in hand-to-hand combat. When there were lessons from Thatcher, she did as she was taught – to walk gracefully, to understand how words worked.

_One of these days_, Thatcher had said,_ I'll take you and Erwin and Levi to the Capital_. _You'll watch – and sometimes, maybe you can do a job there or two. It's one of the reasons why I made you my protégée._

"To put others' needs before your own…"

"Yes."

"Ah."

"What?"

"Not that bad."

Erwin stood up from his seat. "One of these days," he predicted, "you might take a lover. I've had a few myself. I fell in love once. It didn't end too well."

"Really?"

"I had a friend. He loved her, too."

"That sucks."

"I don't mind."

"Really." Meg inhaled. "I just hope you find someone you deserve, if you'll take someone. Someone who you can laugh with. Someone who understands you. As for me, I'm better off single."

[-]

It was by firelight, at night, when doors were closed, that Meg decided to broach the subject with her friends. Levi was out of sight. They said he was out, riding with Erwin on some pretext and for that, she was relieved no one would know of what she would do tonight. Thatcher was at the capital, or visiting Shadis. It was said Thatcher and Shadis were fellows in bed and board.

"Charlie, Jack…"

The two looked at Meg.

"What do you know of sex?"

"Sex?"

The word twisted in Charlie's lips. Charlie sighed and laughed. "Why are you asking such a question, little bird? I know people have sex to have children. And well, you do it with either a man or a woman. I've heard that there endless ways to have sex. I grew up in the streets, so I know a lot of things I shouldn't. If you want a fuck, you go to the brothel. Go at it with a man or a woman, if you swing that way. If you like, you can do it with two people at the same time!"

Meg gasped. Jack chuckled.

"Really," Meg mumbled. "Charlie, really, how do you know such things? You're seventeen and you know these things about sex."

"Hasn't anyone told you about sex?" Charlie leaned closer. She looked at Jack. "What about you, Jack? Anyone give you the sex talk?"

Jack dismissed it with a bunch of jokes. "Well, I did visit my parents," he admitted. Charlie and Meg swapped glances; this was the first time they had heard Jack discuss his life outside of being a solder, when he wasn't being quiet. Quiet, and loud, it depended on his moods. Jack was clever, and also, he was a thinker by nature; rational with quick on the uptake of things. Jack Lithgow's clean cut looks made you wonder if he was rich; he sometimes walked alone, or occasionally, with a friend or two, and he had his own ideas about the world. There were times, outside of shift, he spent in Trost, exploring the city, and getting more than a view.

"And what did they say?"

"My mother said that you did it with someone you loved, and to put a baby in a woman's belly. My father said in a noble's wedding, the marriage had to be consummated."

"What does that mean?" Charlie frowned.

"It means that when nobles get married, there had to be blood on the sheets."

"Why blood on the sheets?"

"It means that the noble man has to take the noble woman's maidenhead on the night of the wedding itself. When a marriage is consummated, then it means that the marriage is valid, by the terms nobles use. If they beget a child, then they are lucky, I guess, on the first try." Jack cast a squint at Meg. "I've heard in the military, it is not common to have sexual relationships."

"Erwin said they do it to forget." "That's true. I've seen soldiers exchange heated glances at each other – and then they sneak out to be together."

"I've been shaken myself," Meg admitted. "When I came to shower, I felt awful. There was this gnawing feeling, eating at my mind. I wanted the feeling to stop; it felt like I was being crushed by the world, that I wasn't going to recover. I froze when I first faced them. To think, that the Titans were bigger, and that they could have the upper hand. I wanted to forget so bad when I came home; I entered someone's chambers and threw myself at him."

"And so you gave your maidenhead to him," Charlie assumed. Jack frowned.

"No. I didn't give it to him." It started to make sense all of a sudden why Levi had snapped at her when she had barged inside his room and climbed his bed. _Erwin will think we're fucking_. So that was why he had balked. His hair had been wet, she remembered, from the wet shower, and his bare skin half-soft, half-muscled, from her fingertips, that was how it felt touching him. He was warm, and that night, she had almost felt sure that she wanted to curl up next to him, lean against him and wonder if he would mind if she shared his bed for the night.

"Why didn't you?" Charlie complained. "That's not fair! You climbed his bed and you didn't even take your clothes off! You should have seduced him! Strike while the iron is hot!"

Meg facepalmed. Heavens. The idea of seducing Levi seemed _**wrong**_. To make the thought worse, Levi _had_ seen her legs that night, when she had ripped her nightgown's skirt so that she could use it as a rag to wipe his bare back. For a soldier, his back was pretty and well-kept. Considering the state of how he kept his room, that was to be expected. The thought made her want to puke. After seeing Levi in states of undress, she could only wonder – at how attractive he was – and what it would feel like if he put his arms around her waist, to hold her.

"I'm not that kind of woman," Meg grumbled. "I don't want a man in my bed; I just want to learn about sex is all!"

"How about you, Jack?"

"I've passed by brothels on the way to see my parents. I dropped a visit to the underground, too. I haven't bedded anyone, and I'm still biding my time."

"Why would you want to bed anyone?" Meg huffed in disbelief. "It's not like it's required."

"They say that sex is one of the best pleasures a man can have," Jack explained. His eyes met hers. "I'm willing to try it anytime. I'm a soldier, and I need to have something for me. Women will flock to you, but I'd prefer it to be who makes the choice who I bed. I'm aiming to bed a woman soon. I'll wait for a bit, and I'll see what I can do. It might be popular as an opinion, but I don't rely on that. I've made my mind up to bed a woman already."

"So you have a woman in mind already?" Charlie treated this as if she were a man herself. But then, that was Charlie. More of a man than a girl, in ways – she who loved to get where the action was, she who wanted to feel the movement of the wind and earth beneath where she could experience it for herself.

"I already do. She's going to be beautiful, gentle. I want to take her maidenhead, if that's perfectly fine with her." Jack took a drink from his goblet.

"You slept with anyone, Charlie?"

"I tried to."

"Who did you try doing it with?"

Charlie snorted.

"I tried to seduce Erwin. Nothing happened."

Oddly, Meg had a feeling that she knew why nothing happened.

"Is that all?" Meg called.

"Nope. I also tried to seduce Levi."

"Was it successful?" Jack seemed plenty amused. Meg's ears perked up. Charlie had also attempted to seduce Levi, huh? Both attempts were failures; Meg's belly twisted at knowing why.

"Nothing happened." Charlie scowled. "So I thought maybe in the weekend, I could visit a brothel." Her eyes snapped up at Jack and Meg.

"Any of you up for a visit to the brothel?"

"No –"

"_Yes_."

[-]

"I can't believe you forced me into this," Meg growled as they sat in a couch. The brothel was in Trost's red-light district, and Charlie was pretty excited to get herself some "action" to Meg's irritation and Jack's amusement. At the door, they had been greeted by a busty blonde, who was the patroness of the brothel, and seeing they were soldiers, underneath the green cloaks, had let them in. Charlie had proceeded to sit, and she had whispered things in the Madame's ear, about what she wanted.

"Levi will kill us," Meg grumbled. "Erwin will turn us to Titan food. Thatcher's going to make us pay for this." _And she wasn't kidding._ As far as Meg knew, Levi was known to be scary when in a bad mood. She had caught him in one - and didn't want to get involved in another incident with his anger. He already disliked her a lot; the incident where she had climbed his bed was already awkward enough.

"Lighten up, will you?" Charlie laughed. Around them, paraded the whores and wenches – and handsome men. The women were in varying degrees of undress; they stared at Jack with interest and on noticing Meg sitting beside him, shot Meg dirty looks and some of them had wiggled their brows at Meg.

"They're looking at you, Meg. It's like they're threatened by you," Charlie hollered. Just then, two handsome men, dressed in collared and button shirts came up to then. Beside Meg, she could feel Jack stiffen.

"I'll be with Charlie," stated one. He had curly brown hair and green eyes that were the color of emeralds. His face dimpled. He took Charlie's hand and led her upstairs, climbing through the stairwell into what appeared to be a private room. The door was closed.

Great. Deserted.

Meg looked at the other male. He was tall, and had this strong aura about him. Dark-haired, he was well-made and handsome.

"What's your name?" Jack asked.

"My name's Theo." Theo's eyes peeked at Meg. "I'm going with Meg-"

"Jack!"

"I'll wait for you." He smiled at her – but his eyes betrayed him. He seemed on edge.

Theo patted on her arm and put his lips on her ear. "We should get going now."

Ten minutes later, the door was locked, and they were inside a spacious bedroom. Theo had placed Meg on the bed, and hastily undressed.

"Who told you to take me here?"

"Charlie did."

"And what are you supposed to do?"

"Pleasure you." He eyed the 3DMG wires. "I didn't imagine you'd be a soldier with your looks. You're cute. Almost a heart-stealer."

"What do I do?"

"For starters, take your wires off." The wires fell on the floor – and in a flash, her coat was off – and she was in the bed.

"You're being forward," Meg murmured. _Courtesy is a lady's armor._ _If Erwin or Levi found out about this, no doubt, are we Titan food. _

"I want to see you try," Theo whispered. His hand crept to her hair and he started to take the pins off, the red strands falling across her face. "Damn, girl, you're pretty hard to undress."

Meg snorted. "I'm a soldier, not a whore, of course I would be hard to undress."

"Your hair…"

"What about it?" Inwardly, she cringed. The pins were off – and she usually had twenty pins stuck to her head to keep her hair in place. If one was missing, then it could spring to discovery of what she had been doing.

"It's so pretty. So are you."

"I'm no beauty, please."

"Relax. I'm only telling you what I see."

"Tch." Silence.

"H-How do I pay you?" Meg just remembered that she had left her purse inside her room.

"I don't mind." His hand went under her shirt. Fingers massaged the skin on her shoulders. "If I could bed a girl as pretty as you are without payment, I'm happy to do such a thing." His mouth vibrated against her neck, then down her bare collarbone. "I don't care; as long as I have you, I'll be happy."

"I don't have…coin on me." _What are you supposed to?_

"I don't care, sweetling. Just tell me what you want me to do to you." _Ugh._ How fast his fingers were - her shirt, her coat, her wires were on the floor, scattered. What was next? It was pretty distracting – Theo's mouth on her shoulder, his hands on her.

_I'll be Titan food._ Her face reddened.

"Your face is so red…" Theo glanced at her from his perch.

"I-"

"What?" His voice lost its lusty undertones.

_Levi. Jack. Erwin._

"I…"

She sat up.

_I am topless_, she realized. Pulling the bedsheet to cover her bare upper body, her eyes widened.

"What's the matter?" He was suddenly a different person.

"I'll see you sometime."

"Meg."

"W-What?"

"Are you a maiden?"

"Yes."

The door burst open.

"SHIT!" Jack was ruddy-faced, his hair messy, and his voice husky from his undertaking. "MEG, WE HAVE TO GO! ERWIN AND LEVI ARE NEARLY HOME, WE NEED TO GO!" Panic was in the air. When he ended his announcement, he glanced at Meg and turned beet-red.

"Oh, shit."

The door closed.

"I need to go. I'm so sorry." Meg put on her clothes in a hurry, her hands fishing for what was available. Her face was on fire, and to make it worse, her hands shook as she was trying to fasten the wires decently. Theo watched, quiet, but with interest, looking at her like she was a princess. She tied her hair in a messy bun, the pins forgotten.

"I'm the one who should say that. I didn't ask your permission to do it. It's rude and unmanly of me, my lady." He stood up from his perch and buried his face in her coat-covered shoulder. "I'll do anything to make it up."

"Really, I accept your apology." Meg sighed. "I'll see you again, and we'll talk."

"I'll do anything for you!"

"Noted!"

[-]

The arrival was awkward, to say the least. Levi seemed tired, and Erwin was grim. The door burst inward just when Meg was fixing her messy bun, the pins all but forgotten – left on the floor of the room in the brothel. Jack looked grim for some reason ever since they had left – and Charlie seemed to be the only one was happy. Her skin was glowing – and her short hair was messy, too.

"So how was the visit to the brothel?" Meg and Jack growled. "I hope you're happy!"

Charlie slouched and placed her legs on the table. She was laughing so hard at their faces. Charlie, being so casual about such things. There was a rosy glow to her skin that fit her nicely, and she shook her mane, trying to put it in order. "Well, it was worth it," she admitted.

Jack and Meg leaned forward. "Wait… so you gave the prostitute your maidenhead?" Jack's nose twitched and Meg's jaw dropped.

"Of course, I did!" Charlie slapped the surface of the table. "It felt good, it's rather addicting."

Jack nodded; his expression turned grim. Meg shuddered at the memory of Theo's hands on her skin. She blushed even redder.

"Wanna hear more?"

Jack nodded.

"Well, getting undressed was pretty troublesome, and we kissed. We focused a lot on talking until I made him stop and we went all the way. It wasn't that awkward; I enjoyed myself plenty. What sucks is that I kinda feel sore, though." She leaned on the chair. Beneath a lock of sand-colored hair, there was a bite mark. "He bit me in my neck, and other places." Charlie rolled her eyes. "And in places you can't see."

"You liked it. You're coming back," Meg predicted.

"What about you? I set you up with a prostitute myself to get him into your pants. You've been blushing red as a beet."

Jack paled.

"I walked in on them," Jack coughed. "She got naked fast."

"Shut up, Jack!" Meg found her patience wearing thin. This was _embarrassing_. Just no. "W-Well, the prostitute wanted to bed me – and he was so forward about it. I didn't even say anything and he was undressing me. He said it was troublesome undressing me. The wires; it figures." He had sucked on her neck, maybe even bitten on it, she realized. And with her messy bun, it was visible.

"Did he touch you?" Jack was so close to murdering someone.

"He did – his fingers were fast. Nothing happened." _But he apologized about it,_ Meg thought happily. _Maybe Theo is not bad at all._

"I don't like the way he _**looked**_ at her," Jack snapped.

"What are you three doing, talking this late at night?" _Thatcher._ Charlie paled; Jack coughed – and Meg smiled politely as Erwin, flanked by Levi and Captain Thatcher.

_We're Titan food_, Meg thought grimly. She stood up from the seat and had made up her mind. Leaving the room would be safe to do – no one would notice the bite mark on her neck. Her pink face turned even redder when she felt Erwin's eye on her.

"Were you three out?" Levi snapped. "You three smell like a whorehouse."

Jack paled even more – and he looked ready to faint, but he did not.

"How did you figure that out?" Charlie mumbled. She grinned cheekily at Erwin and Levi and took a sip of wine, her legs tangled on the table. She stuck out her chest.

"Your smell," Erwin pointed out. "Mike could smell you three."

Thatcher looked at Levi and Erwin with a raised brow.

"We're having our squad's quarters cleaned," Erwin announced. "You three will be given the most workload, since you snuck out after curfew."

_Thanks a lot for dragging me to the brothel, Charlie._ Meg hung her head. "I beg my leave," she declared. When she looked up, she was shocked to see Thatcher, Levi and Erwin swapping glances.

"No," Thatcher began.

"You stay. I'll talk to Jack and Charlie later."

"I'm in deep trouble, am I?" Meg sighed.

"No, you're not," Thatcher assured her. The old woman raised a brow knowingly at her. "What _did_ you do, sweetling? Levi and Erwin seem upset you had a bite mark on your neck. _Have_ you been fucking someone? What did you really do?"

"Well, Charlie dragged us to the brothel – and she hired a whore to bed me, and it almost happened."

Thatcher laughed.

"How far did he go?"

"He took my wires, my shirt, my smallclothes and coat off. I said no."

Thatcher nodded. "That's good. You're supposed to be a medic, and I assume you know about sex."

"Yes."

"You didn't let him take your maidenhead."

"Yes. I didn't want to," she admitted. "I've been told from a young age, I needed to keep it. Nowadays, I want to give it to someone I would care about."

"Well, as a fellow woman myself, and a noble," began Thatcher, "I understand your predicament. We women, we're often told to save our maidenheads for our husbands in the marriage bed."

"What about you?" She blushed.

"Well, it's been a long story. In the end, it's your decision. If you give away your maidenhead, give it to someone who loves you and will protect you and is strong enough to commit himself to you. If you don't, that's fine. Just be careful if you become sexually active. Charlie's no longer a maiden, I've expected that – and you, well, you, who knows of you? Capet, I trust your judgement in things like this."

"Won't it matter? If I gave it away and I returned to Sina soiled, my father will detest me more."

"Well, fuck what your father wants! Do what you will – he won't understand our plight. I understand why a lot of people in this branch sleep around so much – they don't know whether they'll live or die. If you want to do it, do it. We don't know whether we'll live or die, and yet, when we love… What choice do we have? Our choices seal our fate. We don't speak of our sins, not this way."

"Yes, my lady."

"As for me…" Thatcher rubbed the tip of her nose. "I gave mine away to someone I loved. In the end, it's the work that counts."

"Where did your pins go?" Erwin asked, as Meg left the captain's office. Meg rolled her eyes. She shrugged casually, her blush still heating her face.

"They got lost." No, she wouldn't tell him, not now. He wouldn't..

"We'll look for it in the morning." Erwin sighed. "I'm sure Levi, of all people, can find them." He laughed. "He's really good at cleaning."

Meg inwardly facepalmed.

He wouldn't understand. Men, like Levi and Erwin… Not in a million years.

"I know what your pins look like," Erwin went on. "They're made in Wall Sina, made of refined steel. Levi can find them."

Cleaning was a silent task. Charlie was upstairs, and Erwin and Levi had split the tasks; Jack was cleaning the wine cellar and the latrines and the shower rooms. Erwin was going to fix his, Jack's and Charlie's rooms. Hanji had joined in, and helped Charlie clean the hallways upstairs. Levi looked funny when he cleaned – he had a white bandanna, he even had an apron over his shirt, and he was wearing his uniform – except the coat was off. Meg had opted to wear casual, like the others – Meg had slipped on a simple pink frock, slippers and wore her hair loose.

He didn't bat an eyelash when the two of them cleaned in silence. It was almost like the time she had stepped inside the hot showers naked, and she hadn't noticed him, it was a world alone. The silence unnerved her.

"So you lost your pins? Erwin said you lost them."

"I lost them," she stated, looking at the floor. Trying to convince herself that they were indeed lost. Forgotten.

"Whatever."

[-]

The visit to the capital had come, and there were so many things to be done. Getting her squad to look presentable had been troublesome – Charlie, ever the tomboy, had been forced into wearing a yellow dress, Meg had quickly gotten into a gown and Levi had taken 15 minutes in the bathroom to fix himself and look presentable. The ride to the capital was tricky – especially, since they had gone on a carriage wheelhouse.

Their appearances had changed greatly. In a beige suit, Erwin looked dashing. Jack wore black, which made his clean-cut looks look only more masculine. Not to be outdone, Levi had worn his cravat, black dress pants, shoes and a jacket. Hanji hadn't bothered to fix her hair but she wore a dress and a large coat over it; Charlie's dress was a girlish one, with floral designs all over it, and her hair was forcefully tied in a ponytail that made her freckled skin look nice. Meg had tied her hair in a half-ponytail, and chosen one of her dressier gowns – a blue gown that was a reversed triangular shape in neckline, bell sleeves, and it was pretty feminine.

"I feel like an idiot," Charlie grumbled. She was not happy with the ponytail and itched to take it off. "I want to take my dress off already and get dirty in the mud."

"But you look pretty in the dress," Meg countered. "Besides, we're in the capital, so we all have to look nice and proper." _Like a tea party_. For a moment, she was reminded of her old days within Wall Sina – where she would one day marry a king, become a queen, because that was what she taught. She'd dream of her children, who would be remembered in history.

"I'm pretty sure not everyone will enjoy the sight of you nude, Hunter," Levi snapped. He sat in a sassy way – one leg over the other, like a hitman from a novel. Beside him, Jack chuckled and sniggered.

"Oh, sorry but I beg to differ. One night, we were out in a brothel, the whore I bedded enjoyed seeing my nakedness," Charlie rebutted. Meg blushed. _Not now_.

"Really?" It was hard to tell if Levi was amused. "No wonder all you three smelled like whores."

"I didn't sleep with anyone!" Jack and Meg interjected. Awkwardness ensued once more, and Meg sighed to herself. If only…

"Meg, are you aware of who Darius Zackley is?"

"I am."

"Finally, Mistress Meg knows something."

"Levi, it's bad manners to interrupt a conversation," Meg snapped. She looked at Erwin, her face serious.

"This visit is more than just a visit," Erwin declared. "This is a mission." He threw a glance at Hanji.

"Mission?" Charlie's hands stopped fumbling with her dress. Jack leaned closer.

"Captain's got her hands on Zackley."

"What's the mission about?" Charlie demanded. "Why are we in the capital? We're Titan-killers, not assassins!" She grabbed a handful of Levi's shirt. "This shit isn't making sense."

"Charlie!" Meg protested. "You shouldn't have done that! You have a point, but you two shouldn't fight."

Charlie hissed and dropped the short man.

"This mission..."

"What do we do?" Meg chirped.

"There's been rumours of underground passageways," Hanji began, "within the capital. Wall Sina could possibly have been breached – and there have been sightings of a possible breach in the Wall, particularly near areas where the noble houses are situated. This is top-secret data, and there has been data that Military Police aren't doing their jobs. What we do is to confirm the data – and clear it up."

"Tasking?" Meg countered.

"Meg and Erwin, you two will work together. Erwin's going to talk to the Lord of the noble house here, and Meg will help him do that. Levi will infiltrate with me, and Jack will tail Erwin and Meg. Charlie, you will try to find the passageways."

"In civilian?" Charlie's voice dripped with disgust. "Great!"

"We bought clothes," Erwin assured the sandy-haired woman. "Thatcher thinks this operation will take a while. Depending on the outcome of the situation, she made preparations for clothes."

"You and me," Meg mumbled. "How are we going to present ourselves?"

"We will be…"

Hanji giggled, and Jack's hand balled. Charlie coughed; Levi scowled and slouched even more, taking more of the space inside the cramped wheelhouse.

"Husband and wife." What the hell?

"A wife who is pregnant will possibly increase our chances of getting out alive. Especially if the man has a sob story."

"Let's tell them that we just got married," Meg sighed. "They'll see the age gap."

"Levi's younger – how about we make him your husband instead?" Charlie's mouth ran like a sewing machine. "And bam! After wedding night, you two consummate the marriage, and then you have a baby mini-Levi growing inside of your belly! It'll be more convincing."

_What the actual hell?_

"I beg to differ, Charlie. Levi won't be convincing if he's the one as my husband! He'll bully me all the time, no offense."

"But getting you pregnant – he'll be more up to the job!" A few scowls later – and Charlie shut up.

[-]

The weight of Erwin's hand on her shoulder didn't feel awkward. Levi's hand was lighter, Meg thought, as they walked in the streets. Levi trailed off five meters behind them, with Hanji. Getting into the act was Erwin's _wife_ was awkward – they had all settled into the inn, The Titan's Child, and Erwin had told the innkeeper that Meg would share his bed and room (imagine the awkwardness.) When they had unloaded their things, Erwin had suggested they go take a walk – and he was trying too hard to make it look like they _were_ a couple. His hand rested on her shoulder, and the height difference was funny.

"I don't really know how stuff like this works; I've only seen married noble couples."

Erwin chuckled grimly.

"Hold me like I'm your wife," Meg grumbled. "This _is_ a mission after all. I'm sorry I look too young and I don't look pregnant."

"Meg, this is work, after all. I'm sorry if I would invade your privacy from this point on for a mission."

"We are man and wife, we're supposed to be that way. Any ideas to look more convincing, not awkward?" His hand snaked around her waist – and the touch made her shiver.

"We'll take baths together," Erwin decided. "Share the bed together. Eat together. Is that good with you?"

"Yes."

People poured in and out in the streets. The bustling was dull, and for a moment, it was just she and Erwin walking, acting like a man and his pregnant wife who was newly wedded and bedded together. She knew _she_ could possibly throw him off - if anything went wrong. She knew she lacked the glow of a woman newly wedded and bedded, and she feared, in her chest, that she would possibly fail. If she failed, then possibly, she would be the reason Erwin failed. Her hands became clammy as she thought more on a large-scale picture of how things appeared to be. A wife, that was she for now, and a wife who was newly bedded and wedded. If she needed to get that glow, then, she would just give her maidenhead to him, once they were back inside their bedroom, and under the sheets.

If it meant to.

She needed that.

Her hand took a fistful of his shirt.

"How many days will we be staying here?"

"A week, give and take. Are you okay?"

"I'm worried." No. She would not tell him now. "I'll tell you later, Erwin. What's your move once we're done walking?"

_Later_, she thought, once it was night and it would be quiet. How would she do it?

"I sent Levi ahead to take data on the house lord we'll talk with. It means that we have to work better on being a convincing wife and husband."

"Ahh, that's good."

Her mouth shut as time passed by. In a day like this, what could she be right now if she had not ran away from home? Would she be a warrior, rebelling against her father? Would she be a wife, devoted to a husband who would not love her and only share her bed if he needed children? What an unfortunate world this was – where her circumstance was blurry and this was the only choice she had had.

"Oi, Erwin, I didn't expect to see you here!" a voice called out, and Meg's first reaction was to follow the voice.

A man with short black hair and a growing scruffy moustache was walking, and he approached Erwin with a stride that was both strong and formal. The patch on his uniform had the unicorn crest of those from the Military Police. This man seemed to know who Erwin was.

"It's nice to see you, Nile," Erwin responded.

Nile took a look at Meg then back at Erwin.

"So, what are you doing here?"

_This is a top-secret mission_.

"Walking with my…"

"Oh, so you're seeing someone? Who's she?"

"She's my lover and squad mate," Erwin allowed. "We're off-shift, and right now, we're taking a walk together."

Nile's eyes scanned her. For a moment, Meg smiled at him, like nothing was happening. She was supposed to act _happy_.

"I didn't think- oh well, your woman's pretty. I didn't expect you'd have her."

"We're happy," Erwin explained. "How are you?"

"I got a promotion," Nile told him. He put a hand on his hip and grinned. "Marie is with child."

"Congratulations," Meg murmured, raising her eyes.

"Thanks. What's her name, Erwin?"

"Meg," Erwin replied.

When the conversations had trailed off, Meg allowed herself to lean closer to Erwin, as her mind wandered off. The other conversations did not exist; she would think while he talked with Nile. However, there was this manner that she could read between them. They were old friends, and Nile seemed to have this cold manner. Something had passed between them, and she didn't particularly enjoy it. Not one bit.

_If I were a lord, I would have him watched._ _If I were Erwin,_ _I would be careful with him._

The day had passed – and eventually, they had returned to the inn. What Meg did was to take a bath inside the latrine, full of warm water. The door was knocked on.

"Meg?"

"It's open. The water's warm."

He entered and when he was on the tub, Meg let her eyes trail off to the ceiling. It would be awkward if she stole a peek or two at the man who was pretending to be her husband. It was awkward already – naked in the bath, hair falling across her body, and her mind always wandering off.

"Can I wash your back?" Erwin asked.

"I already did it myself. I'll wash yours." She took the soap and rubbed the soap against his broad back. He was definitely bigger, compared to Levi. The skin on his back had some cuts, and a few scars.

"Erwin, what happened to you and Nile?"

"Why are you asking?" It wasn't like he was angry at her. Erwin had never gotten angry at her. After all, he was chess buddy. The man who played chess with her. His mind was so full of ideas, and he was a natural as a leader. A man of high calibre, compared to Levi and his sassy crassness.

"I watched you and Nile. I'm also intellectually curious. Why does he act that way? What about you?"

"So much for being intellectually curious. He was my friend. He was supposed to be in the Survey Corps… but he changed his mind."

"Why did he do that?"

"We used to go drinking in bars – and we met a woman named Marie. Nile and I, back then, we were thick as thieves. He met Marie, and we often saw her. He loved her, and when the time came to choose, he chose the Military Police, not the Survey Corps. Now, he's married her and made her his."

"Was Marie the woman you loved?"

"..Yes."

It sent a gloomy feeling onto Meg's stomach. The soap slipped from her hands and her shoulders shook. So no wonder it had happened. There was a kind and smart soldier, a fine man who aimed for the stars with his friend. He met a woman and his friend loved her. The man loved her, too but he never had the chance to make her his. That was sad. And Meg suddenly _**felt**_ for him – his pain, his loss, his sacrifice. Why did such things happen? Erwin had also _loved_ her, too. He should have her, made her happy, but why?

"I-I'm so sorry," Meg wailed. That was too sad. Erwin didn't deserve this. Not this.

"It's no problem." Erwin grit his teeth. "Didn't you say you have to something to tell me?"

"I'm worried, if I fail in this duty. I don't _look_ like a wife who's newly wedded and bedded. I don't have that glow – and if the MP and the others see through our disguise, you could be put in danger. I don't want to lose you, Erwin. You're my comrade, and I might be the cause of your undoing. I'm too bony and skinny, I'm _plain_, for the Walls' sake, I haven't even given my maidenhead away, and I'm terrified they might take me away from you!"

"Meg…"

"What I'm saying is," Meg breathed, "is that I need you to take my maidenhead and make sure that-"

The door burst open.

_Seven hells_.

"Oops." The tone was not even apologetic. Meg's face twitched in annoyance. Jeez. Why did _**Levi**_ have to interrupt?"What's your business here?" Meg grumbled.

"The latrine my room isn't clean," Levi complained. "I thought I could borrow yours. I didn't think you two were…doing some activities together."

"Well, you didn't knock the door. That was bad manners," Meg huffed. "Hasn't the thought that someone else was using the latrine crossed your mind?" The wonders of his rudeness – astounding. Second time he saw her naked – sometime, maybe she ought to return the favour.

Silence.

_Leave it to Levi to ruin the night_. After they had changed clothes, in silence and slipped beneath the sheets casually, she lay in the bed. Whatever mood she had stored had been ruined. For once in her life, she thought as she watched Erwin sleep peacefully next to her, no one had managed to get such a strong reaction out of her until Levi had come. Did she like him or not? The man got on her nerves shamelessly, the man taunted her, and he had yelled at her so hard, mocked her for her manners, and yet he was the one who had caught her when she had passed out, put and rode with her in his horse, his cape wrapped around her. She owed him something – she would repay it one day.

[-]

The times he played chess with her came to mind when he was walking with her in the streets of Wall Sina once again. Every tidbit of the times she had fought him in her mind, every lesson, every whisper, the grimness was real. The war was real, and as a soldier, nothing had ever come close to _this_. Every moment she watched Erwin from the sidelines only contributed to her knowledge of him. She learned every trick, from simply _watching_, and also, researching on her whim. They were fighting Titans, but what were they really doing now – sneaking in Wall Sina, where the air used to be the air she breathed, her old home, that she had thought was safe and sound? This was supposed to embody the tomes of the old, of the nostalgia, that covered the poison within this Wall.

No time for expectations, to keep playing. That was what it was supposed to be. If one didn't have to bare his or her true feelings… She frowned. Her jaw clenched, but she was not Meg, not now. _Who was she today_?

She had seen more than enough times to know how she was going to operate. _Smile,_ she told herself, as she brushed her hair in the early daylight, the windows open, and the air blew in. It was way before Erwin would wake up – she estimated it was two o' clock in the morning. There was something that kept bugging her, and to top it off, she made herself a cup of hot cocoa, and now, brushed her long hair in the common room of the inn in the second floor. The inn had a common room, where one could have breakfast in peace with your own companions. Hanji, Levi, Jack and Charlie and she and Erwin had all occupied the second-floor rooms, so of course, the second floor was all theirs.

"So you can't sleep, too."

Someone placed a mug of downed coffee in the table. Small hands that are callused – and when Meg took a look at the man who had placed the mug in the table, she had no reaction. The man sat on the table, his dark eyes the color of steel.

"I just couldn't." What did he want from her now? Another sip of the hot beverage burning feverishly on the surface of her tongue, the cold air that surrounded her, despite the long-sleeved coat placed on top of her lengthy white nightgown and Levi, in the same room, with the same air, in this fateful ticking of time. There were so many things why she couldn't sleep. There was Erwin, peaceful and tucked away, and when she closed her eyes, she dreamt – of running in a garden filled with white snow and roses, in a labyrinth, and dead Titan corpses around her. "I dream so much."

"At least _you_ dream. I don't."

"I can't understand dreams, but I feel like it's supposed to tell me something. I need to get something from it, if it's telling me something." Was it the future? Even back then, the dreams haunted her. She had dreamt she was standing on a pile of castles, that wind blew around her, and she saw bodies of people, they looked so small she found it hard to tell if they were living or not. "Why am I even talking to you about this? You don't understand."

"Understand what, Meg?"

"You'd never understand things I _worry_ about," she blurted. "You're always putting me down, you're rude to me, and make me run laps and then you push me away when I try to help you!"

He stared at her. Was he really so hard to understand? Instead of spitting, he leaned closer and closer, looking at her eyes.

"You worry about dreams, you're worrying for _Erwin_, and you have this damn mission to fuss about."

She hung her head. She had been weeping too much of late, and she was determined not to cry. Not again. In a hundred years, if only, she could hate the man in front of her but it wouldn't be fair to both of them.

"You're right. Leave me alone, Levi." A sigh. "I feel so sorry for Erwin."

"For him? He's got women who want him, who adore him, but it's his decision not to take a woman as his wife."

"He loved one, and she didn't become his. Isn't that sad?"

"Life is no song, Meg."

"I know. Haven't you loved someone once, maybe? Maybe you'd understand."

"No." Never had he felt such a thing.

Meg smiled at him, her eyes heavy, her head hazy. "One day, you'll understand. You'll find someone sweet and nice, who will enchant you, she will make you happy and give you sons and then you'd do anything for her, because she makes you smile."

"Tch. As if a woman would want me."

"She would. One day, she would."

He said nothing – and they spent the sleepless time playing chess. When morning came, she had fallen asleep on the table, her head on the chessboard, holding the pawn piece.

[-]

"You're too attached to her, Erwin," Levi warned as Erwin and he drank cups of coffee. Meg was nowhere to be seen - sleeping in the bed, carried away by Erwin himself. At the reply, Erwin put down the cup and looked at his friend. Since when did Levi have a say in such matters? He wasn't attached to Meg. He didn't favour her, and that was it, but he had a look that almost had a taste of how bland Meg was to him.

"Is that your problem? She's my wife in this mission. The next time we have a mission or you go into hiding, do you want me to let you take her as your wife?" There was little love lost between the two of them. Their relationship could be casual, but there were limits, too. Levi, he knew, trusted him, but not fully. To let Meg go into hiding in case the mission got worse, he would have to put Jack or Levi with her into the countryside, to have someone watch her. Charlie wanted to offer herself, but Erwin had said no, because Charlie's tactics were needed in the main battlefield.

"I didn't say I wanted her. The girl's willing to let you fuck her," Levi spat. "She knows nothing."

"If she proves you wrong, I'll decide if I'll appeal to Thatcher to let her handle cleaning wounds and leading more."

"Enough about the girl." Levi rolled his eyes. "When do you strike?"

"Tomorrow. I can't let this drag on – especially with Thatcher's current condition."

He looked at the window.


	5. The Spell Was Broken

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Summary:** What happens when you let your heart win?

**Notes:** I want Jack to get more screentime ;_; Thanks for the support and love, guys!

* * *

**V. The Spell Was Broken **

Today was the day, and Jack found himself standing - and after thirty minutes of standing outside, running. Meg and Erwin had walked inside the building, every inch looking like a man and his young wife. Erwin's hand had brushed against her shoulder, supporting her, and Jack had ignored Levi's blank stare at them. Hanji was unnecessarily grim, before she had joined Charlie in the entrance of the underground tunnel, gathering data. From the window, Jack had seen it all – Erwin talking with the MP Captain stationed in the area, and Meg leaning against him. The MP Captain's face had twisted, and Meg had leaned closer, her eyes a pure personification of the word "persuade" written in her features. She whispered in his ear, and Erwin held her arm, as if he would not let her go, for she was his.

For a moment, the man was appeased. Then Meg smiled and then Jack could swear the man's hand raced down her back in a way that made Jack want to break inside the room. It was wrong - but typical Meg: she smiled at him and only leant closer to him, more words spewing from her lips, spinning things. She didn't shudder, but there was something about the way her eyes kept faltering around that she was trying to handle this on her own. She was an animal in a flytrap – and Erwin was only watching.

The man's policemen had been summoned; two had taken Meg and held her arms and two others were going to make a go for Erwin – Then the room had shaken and a skirmish had erupted within thirty minutes. With a loud _BOOM!_, the building was destroyed, and in a rush, Erwin made a go on a horse, as the MP men took Meg, riding on horses and Jack and Levi in their 3DMG.

The MP's load on their horses was heavy. There was a pack of bow and arrows in their load, and Meg, unconscious, was placed near there. Her hands were bound by ropes.

"Whose idea was it to let her go?" snorted Levi, his face contorting in irritation. Jack could never agree more with Levi; the man had a point. Whirring across, Jack had never felt so _**irritated**_ that Erwin had let Meg get taken. Anyone could predict Meg would make an excellent hostage – a maiden, and almost defenceless and also, highborn. Fifty meters ahead, Jack saw the Military Police Men clutching her, her mouth gagged and her body swinging from their shoulders.

"It wasn't part of the plan – but she insisted, and I trusted her," Erwin retorted, and kicked his horse. His speed rose. Levi scowled again.

"Instead of talking about who takes the blame, how about we come up with ways to get her, shall we?" Jack snapped. He hated melodrama. _Just get to work_, thought he. Levi and Erwin looked at him. Finally.

"One of us should serve as a distraction, and one of us will retrieve her, and one of us should serve as back-up." The plan was already formed in Jack's head. As he surveyed the road, he knew the road too well not to be fooled. This was the capital – and this road they were taking was just one of the roads that were connected to the underground tunnel that Hanji and Charlie had been watching at. "Whoever serves as the distraction should divert the men to the underground tunnel directly. Charlie will know immediately if it's MP. Meg's her best friend; she'll protect her, nonetheless. It'll be an ambush."

"Good plan," Erwin approved. "Jack, you distract them yourself."

"I'll take her from under their noses," Levi cut in. Two pairs of eyes snapped at Levi. That was unexpected. Who ever thought Levi could be like this? Jack didn't expect it, but he had this feeling about Levi. Levi was never Meg's biggest fan; he didn't like her. Erwin's upper lip pursed; he must have wished he was the one to take her under from their noses. Imagining Erwin to develop an attachment to Meg was highly probable; the two had shared a bed for three days in a row and baths.

The speeds increased – and they were now catching up with the Military Police. A meter away – and Jack himself navigated the air with his 3DMG, diverting the soldiers with his direction. Yes – the tunnel. From behind the MP, his eyes were fixed on Levi, who was raising his blades, his stance suddenly predatory. Ah, the moment of critical factor.

Erwin was at the back, on his horse, following their movements. His face was grim, and serious. One, two, three, four, five.

NOW!

A meter until the start of the tunnel.

Erwin took the gun from his pocket and fired a shot in the air. The sound was audible across the open space – and from the entrance of the tunnel within, came another gunshot. _Charlie or Hanji._ The Military Police men's faces paled, but their hands reached for their guns to fire back.

Levi jumped, spinning on his wire, as Jack let out a whistle. From there, Jack would have to handle the MP with some 3DMG tricks, while Levi would come from behind.

But –

Jack saw ropes fall from the horse, into the rough stone ground. The sound bothered one man, and he turned his head to _look_. Red hair spilled onto shoulders, and hands grabbed for the bow and arrow. The figure fastened the bow and arrow and stared at the soldier with intense eyes that burned of blue fire, poised and let the arrow fly – and it hit the man's soldier and pinned him to the horse's neck. She sat up from the horse, and aimed the arrow at the second MP man who was a meter away riding from her – and the arrow landed in his neck.

Levi flew in, just then, and before the figure had any chance to explain, took her in his arms. He proceeded to fly into the tunnel – and Jack followed.

Margaret Capet, Mistress Meg, had never been this glorious. A mouse in a lion's net – and she had looked away from Levi shyly, red hair flying into the air like a lion.

[-]

The squad had come to the inn quickly, with Hanji's hands full on new data and Charlie disappointed at not being able to kick asses. Erwin had gotten some scratches – and so had Levi. Jack was looking at her with renewed respect. Tonight, they were eating a cake Charlie baked – and lemonade Meg had made. Thatcher had finally arrived earlier, but she was confined to the bed, tired, and the others said, quite worn out. However, the staff of the Titan's Child had sent two bottles of wine, which was opened and passed out to everyone.

"You just hit two Military Police men straight on with a bow and arrow," Jack murmured in pure reverence. Levi's surprise was not something easily masked, but Meg herself did not care. Erwin seemed a little impressed, but she didn't care. After all, she had her own tricks up her sleeve. A head full of pretty things did not do for this life.

"How did the data go, though, Hanji?" Erwin asked.

"Ahh – turned out that Titans could fit in it, down, down below," Hanji confirmed. Charlie shuddered. "What's weird though is that the first few steps of the entrance were quite small. Too small to have a large Titan fit in there. Titans could be using the tunnel, but still, how would they fit through the first steps?"

"Unless Titans could turn into people," Jack muttered as he took a sip of lemonade. A snort.

"That's illogical, how could Titans do that?" Levi scowled.

"It can be true," Meg jested. "Almost anything can be possible. Right, Hanji?"

Hanji laughed.

"Well, if that's true, then, Levi owes Meg a drink!"

Jack snorted.

Charlie guffawed.

"How can such a thing be? Humans turning into Titans! That's highly out of the blue. Is it not too crazy?" Sensible Charlie. "For once, I am agreeing with Midget here."

"My name's not Midget."

"Whatever, you look like one."

The squad laughed and drank wine, and got full on their own food. The first mission was a success, Meg thought. The relations were improving slightly, and little by little. This would be something lovely, thought the girl. Everyday, there was hope. So much to hope for, so much to fight for. Maybe this was worth fighting for – to serve others, to give hope, to be brave. What did it mean to be brave?

_Military Police men are supposed to be honourable. They are soldiers. Why is it like that?_ Recalling the time that the MP men had gotten hold on her was scary. Their grip on her hands and legs were tight, and she had been locked in a vise. Both of them stared at her as if she had no clothes on, and instead of feeling like she could _trust_ them, something had lurched underneath her. _They could have raped me._ Her skin paled. _If Levi had not come to my aid, then I could have been raped and killed. Why aren't they knights? Why aren't they kind and honourable?_

This was not supposed to be culture shock. _Why does Levi confound me? He's not my idea of a knight in armor._ Knights were handsome and tall, not short and vulgar men who were murderers. There were things about Levi that didn't satisfy her. The distance confused her, jumbled her thoughts. _But is Erwin what he appears to be?_

"Someone sent this for you." Jack tapped Meg's shoulder, interrupting her train of thought. He slipped an envelope in her lap, his touch light and soft. "Sorry to interrupt your thinking, Carrots."

"C-Carrots?" She pinked at the old nickname. When she looked back at Jack, the youth looked away, a little guarded. Meg turned her attention back to the piece of envelope she got and hid it under the table. Her fingers gently opened the seal, and once she caught sight of the words written there, she immediately slipped the piece of parchment inside the envelope, and surveyed her companions. Jack Lithgow was looking at her, his face in his hand, and one hand resting on a mug.

"I wonder what the Queen of Thorns has to say about us," Charlie said, her mouth full. Erwin chuckled, and Levi was looking away. Hanji was babbling about her Titan research and Jack nodded, listening on to Hanji. _What would she say about us?_ There were things Meg wanted to talk of with the older lady, about war, and things. Things she would understand. In the universe of the common room, the fire crackled, and outside, thunder spread across the sky like diamonds in a sheet of blue-black.

"She would want us to rest for a while," Hanji sang. The brunette took a bite of chicken in her mouth. A pause came over the group, for Levi was looking away, and Erwin suddenly found it interesting to look at the floor. Charlie was laughing to herself. The table pounded with the bottom of the sandy-haired woman's cup as she downed three cups of wine and proceeded to attack the alcohol more.

"Do you think she will still be unwell on the morrow, Erwin?" Hanji's voice laced with worry.

"I don't think so."

Without looking up, Meg knew better than to meet his stare on her. It weighed heavily when he looked at her nowadays. From the beginning, she thought that when he looked at her, she felt light and carefree, for what was she, indeed? Just a naïve girl who loved to play chess with the rising star of the Scouting Legion. She had seen the man, seen him when he slept next to her in the same bed, seen him when they shared the same baths in the same tub, drowning in the same water. If only she could run. If only she could hide from the horrors life as a soldier had given her.

It shocked her. She wanted to weep, for her heart felt heavy. If the MP men wanted to rape her, then everything she could have thought was so wrong. Run, run away. MP were supposed to be knights and heroes. The memory of their stares, the weight of their lust, the violence in their grips on her, and the shuffling and the deathly blackness that gnawed at Meg whenever she tried to comprehend what they could have done if Levi had not jumped into the fray to catch her.

The horror… As much as she wanted to fight, she couldn't. Her fingers shook. The Titans, and the revelation of the corruptions she had seen.

_A little queen. Queens aren't supposed to cry._

"Meg? Are you unwell?"

Levi avoided her stare, his face tight, as Erwin asked her the question. Erwin and Levi's dynamic hadn't hit her, until she hadn't seen it for herself. The two of them gravitated together, bound by a magnet that bonded them together. For all his rough and tumble, Levi had this thing for Erwin. With her in the equation, she might have thrown the two of them off. Erwin's attention on her… Her eyes couldn't meet his blue eyes, and she could not want to look at Levi for a while. The distance would only grow.

"I am well." It was her first lie to Erwin.

[-]

The farce that he had set up was still far from over. Settling onto the bed, under the sheets, there was little love lost now that the time to fake this relationship was done. He had not told her to move out of the room; he had asked her to take a bath and willingly, she had obeyed, stepped out of her clothes and into the tub, her hair spilling red against her pale skin, without even looking at him. Silence in and out, little words tossed out into the air, and the smell of soap and awkwardness pooling and then it was followed by the sound of pawns and kings and queens on rectangular wooden boards and bedsheets. _His friend_. The little bird.

"I let you win."

"No, you didn't." Meg sat up, her eyes cold and far away. "I did not wear kid gloves." _And so you told me the truth. _She might be a child in other people's eyes, but in Erwin's, she was more than that. It was amazing he still hadn't touched her, even if she would have asked him to. _The girl's__ willing to let you fuck her_. _She's a child. Innocent. Naïve. She's a little pretty talking bird. She's popular._ He lifted his hand from the sheet and ran his fingers across her hair. It was soft and so long to touch.

Desire was a thing he knew. He had _wanted_ Marie, he had _desired_ her to be his, the tap of her hands on his, the feel of her lips on him, and to feel her around him, to be whole. He was no stranger to beauty – and it was something _beautiful_ that this girl was. Her cheekbone were high, her hair was soft, her mouth was too full and her skin was soft, and there were hints of curves. She was becoming a woman – and he hadn't noticed it.

And he had been playing chess with her for almost a year now. Minds at work, duties in order. What was it? Friendship? He had _mentored_ her to spew words that could spin things in motion, to make orders obey her. People talked of her, with fondness, with devotion - for she was kind and she was active, and she gave people words to feed on.

There was something he could sense in her. Where was that innocence? She still glowed with it, with that gentleness. Something cryptic, something that lit up at the hint of a moth that was drawn to her. Erwin looked at the chess board. She held his king, and she clutched it tightly, her lips a thin line.

"Do not fool me, Margaret." Surely, her mind registered the first time he called her by her name. "Let's be honest, shall we?"

"What is it, then, that you want to talk about?" She looked at him with those far away eyes. "Me and you? T-That's the problem, isn't it?"

"Yes. Margaret, what do you think of this?"

"The world is a chess board." It was quick. Erwin did not have to ponder on what he had seen earlier - she had leaned closer to the man, her eyes pleading and her words stars and her tears honest. "If we don't have Thatcher to navigate it for you, for me…."

"I'll be by your side. You will help me."

"Yes." She looked up.

"Let's not pretend."

"Who said I was, my lord?"

Who was she fooling? Erwin could almost fall for her.

"The world is the chess board. You are the king. Everyone else can be a pawn." Her breath came out in small puffs as she dropped to the bed. "There are Titans – and…" A falter.

"And what?"

"There are no true knights. In life, the monsters win." A bite on her lip.

"I am the king."

"And me?"

She was wrapping herself around the blanket. She wasn't well.

"You can be my queen."

"I can't." She closed her eyes.

[-]

"How are you?" Meg peeked through the door. Behind her, Erwin was grim and silent.

Thatcher lay on the bed, her brown curls loose and messy. Her face twisted in pain. The woman's skin was pale and cold – and the draft outside added more to the woman's discomfort. There were lit candles in the darkness.

"I feel like shit." Thatcher attempted to move against her discomfort. Her eyes snapped open, a pair of eyes the color of emeralds.

"What exactly _happened_ to you?" Meg's voice broke.

"I think the noble houses poisoned something."

"Why would you think that?" Erwin inquired.

"I came from a noble house. When I joined the military, I was detested and disliked and disinherited for not marrying. The man I was supposed to marry… Well, the man's family felt slighted. To make things worse, the noble clan I came from had a longstanding rivalry with his family and they often came to war with each other. It still has not stopped – and I think, to slight me, he did _this_ just after twenty years of not seeing him." She scowled. "People at war, it sickens me."

"And what house was it?"

"Abelard."

Erwin and Meg looked at each other.

"Abelard is the vassal lord of this territory."

[-]

There was no hope for her. When they came to the vassal lord's court, they were greeted by his knights. Erwin talked with them, and Meg accompanied him, her hand on his arm, her head held on high. The days were long – and the weeks intolerable; Jack and Hanji and Charlie were at the civilian territory, while Levi, Erwin and Meg were situated on highborn land. To play this part was something _natural._

She smiled and danced, and sang lullabies, and spew words even when her face hurt. At dinner, she ate little and feigned a longing for the outside so she slipped out into the Great Hall, while letting Erwin deal with the important chatter. Outside, she was Erwin's friend, not his lady, her eyes looking at the stars and trying to count them. Her stomach knotted as she took in breaths, maintaining her control. The evening was cold, and while Levi said little, she didn't bother to pay him attention. Erwin had given Levi special orders – Levi was one of their strongest fighters, so he would act as their vassal knight.

Give a little – smile, maintain her cool.

These people. These _nobles._ She had seen them when she was a child. Her heart knotted more and more. These nobles wanted the lowborn to be treated like Titan food. These nobles didn't want anything to do with the Titan problem. These nobles, according to Jack, had no amount of respect for those lower than them. These nobles… The Abellards…

"Aren't you a little pretty thing?" Out of the shadows stepped a man. He was young, handsome. His voice was music, a deep tenor that reminded her of the minstrels of her childhood. He held a lute loosely by his side and Meg could swear she smelled alcohol on his person. A hand fingered a strand of red hair. "My lady…"

Meg fixed her eyes on him. "You're drunk."

"I am Thom, and I sing for the Abellards." He licked his lips, his nostrils flaring. A hand traced her thigh. "You're so pretty. I've been wanting to write a song for you, Lady Grey." Lady Grey – that was how Erwin had introduced her; his new wife.

"A song?" For a moment, she wanted to relax. A song. He wants me for a song.

"A toast to your hair, the curve of your waist." The hand slipped around her thigh. Meg shuddered inwardly.

_Kill him_.

"Don't touch me. Or I'll scream."

"Come on. The night is cold. Aren't you? I will keep you warm, I will sing to you with my body. I'm sure your husband doesn't mind. He doesn't know what a beauty he has; I bet when he touches you, he doesn't see how beautiful you are. You're wet for me, aren't you?"

Meg suddenly wished that she had a bow and arrow so she could aim for his cock. "I'm still a maiden."

"Then give your innocence to me."

"You heard the lady." Thom fell to the floor, kicked by a short shape in the darkness. _Levi._ "I'm sure Erwin wouldn't want some _**filthy**_ minstrel laying a hand on his wife."

"Get your own woman." Levi's eyes locked with Meg's.

"Leave the lady alone or I'll kill you."

Frightened, the minstrel ran off.

"Are you well? Erwin made sure to keep an eye on you."

Meg had no words for this. She suddenly felt so dizzy, from the relief and the release from her shoulders. When she dropped the goblet of water she held, that was when she realized she had been _shivering_ so hard, nervous and dizzy and overwhelmed and scared. Her legs ran – and he was nearer and nearer, and their faces a few inches away, – Her fingers dug into his shirt, her head in his shoulder. The relief. The feeling.

When she looked at the hand that traced her cheek, something hit her. _I…cried._

"Levi… Thank you."

"It's nothing."

Meg blinked.

[-]

"Did anything happen between you three?" Charlie asked Meg. A few months had passed after that mission. The day was warm – and it was another regular one. A few operations had come and gone, but these operations were less political, to Meg's relief. Occasionally, Thatcher took Meg on trips to see people and it wasn't bad. The dynamic had eased up, between Erwin and Levi, who had their own missions, and Meg and Charlie their own businesses. Jack hung onto Hanji, going at her work with the vigor of a scientist so well that Meg was impressed by his new calibre.

"I'm not sure." Meg took a bite of honey cake. It tasted so _good _in her mouth. Charlie's best – honey cake. One of the reasons why Meg had immediately liked the sandy-haired girl: a mutual love for food. Girl time with Charlie – she wanted it so bad, especially when she was squished in between two men who had so much presence and strength. What was she to them then? Nothing would be the same and she disliked it. At least _they_ never talked to her about those times – sharing the bed, the tub – and the memory of a kiss.

"Spit it out."

Charlie rolled her eyes.

"No need to keep secrets from thy all-knowing Charlie. There's been something up with you _three_. Did you three have a threesome?"

"T-Threesome? What's a threesome?"

"It's when you fuck two people at the same time. I've heard it's pretty invigorating. Not that I've tried it, of course." Charlie guffawed. "You three… are a force to reckon with. Levi seems like someone who's aiming for something."

"Erwin wants something. Why would he be single and unattached?" Meg pointed out. She had seen through him. "He's ambitious. I can see him being a Commander someday. Levi… People seem drawn to him. He'll be a good captain."

"Spill what happened when you three went to the Abellard Fort."

"Why? Nothing interesting happened." Meg faked a yawn. "I went dancing, posing as Erwin's wife again. Levi was a knight, of course."

"Awww. And he saved your ass, didn't he?"

"He didn't."

Jeesh.

"Come on, what happened? How was it like sharing the same bed with Erwin Smith? Oh, Meg, you naughty, _**naughty**_ woman!"

"Nothing happened. We just talked."

"I'm disappointed. How about Levi? Did he get inside your pants? Or did you seduce him?"

"You're blushing."

"Okay, there was a musician, he wanted to bed me, but Levi chased him away. I had no weapon at the time."

"Annnnnddd?"

"I think…" Meg closed her eyes. Lips on her own, brushing, it was light at first… It was dark, and she had a hard time trying to see if it was real or not. "I think… I kissed Levi."

"WHAT? THAT _**MIDGET**_?"

Charlie threw a book over Meg's head.

"Is it my fault?" Meg grumbled.

"HELL YEAH! YOU COULD HAVE KISSED ERWIN AND GOTTEN LAID THAT NIGHT!"

_It wasn't Erwin who saved me. He took a kiss, and left me nothing but an attempt to see if this was real or not._

"Well, there's nothing."

Meg shrugged.

"Nothing? _**Who**_ was it who caught you when you passed out, placed his coat on you when you were cold, and saved you from a rapist? Who was it who saved you when you almost got kidnapped?"

"He's just doing his job. He's just a comrade. Nothing more, nothing else. If there was even a kiss, I must have been dreaming. You know me – I space out."

"Comrade. And you go to him and play chess with him and tell him things."

"Charlie. Romance is not a priority for me."

"I know. But there are possibilities."

"It's bad to get attached. I doubt Erwin and Levi see me as a woman," Meg replied. "We're just friends, aren't we all."

"You…"

Charlie's face dimmed.

"You don't know the power you have over men. You're growing prettier and prettier everyday, and you're growing smarter and smarter by the second. People will always like you – you're so popular now, and you'll continue not seeing things the way they are."

"C-Charlie."

Charlie sighed.

"I wish you can see things the way I do sometimes."

"Why?"

"You don't value yourself a lot. You're suicidal sometimes, Meg. I've heard about the way you acted during the expeditions. You cry a lot – you're overemotional. You're always trying to please people. You're overprotective. Sometimes, sometimes, I wish you'd stop it."

"Why?"

"That's because I want you to value your own life."

"M-My own life?"

"Yes. Meg, I've seen the toll your missions take on you. You cry so much, you fuss to be perfect, and you tire yourself. Give. Yourself. A. Break."

"Okay."

"Good."

"Charlie, how about you?"

"Me?"

Charlie rolled her eyes.

"I'm doing fine. I've been visiting the whorehouses again, release some steam off me." Charlie.

"You say you're fine…" Meg's eyes flickered to the woman. Charlie's lips were lines. Sandy hair that curled past her shoulders, tied up in a ponytail, her jawline soft, and the taut skin that dusted her freckles, Meg knew Charlie. This girl was a tomboy, and she had steam to blow off. A brawler by nature. A woman of fire and earth, not like Meg. A woman and a man. Charlie worried her sometimes – she should have been looking after Charlie's back, not Levi's, not Erwin's. There was something with Charlie, too. The sandy-haired girl was a fighter, and today, she was not one. "Are you okay?"

"I…" Charlie coughed.

"Tell me. I'm your best friend."

"There you are, at it again." She ran her hands across her hair, gray eyes cold. "Mothering me around when I am steady as a horse."

"Don't sleep around too much." Meg lowered her eyes. "I've read that syphilis is raging among soldiers, and it's a high possibility that the syphilis came from the whorehouses."

"_Female_ whores."

"_Whores_ nonetheless. If you get sick with it, and you'll die, I'll never forgive myself, Charlie. You're all I have left, so please take care of yourself, too."

"All you have left? You have so much more than that!"

"You have a family. I don't. What remains of my family… I don't even know where they went, whether they love me or not."

"Of course, they'll love you. Everyone will always like you, hell, even that bitch Thatcher does. They won't mind you. You're young, you're so sweet, so selfless, so nice, so smart, and men make moon eyes at you because you have such a nice figure, such a sweet tongue, and hair that's like fire."

"Charlie…"

"Don't keep lying to yourself."

"I won't."

"I'll pretend to trust you on that. Margaret."

"Y-Yes!"

"Meg!" Thatcher's voice rang up from the stairwell. "I need to talk to you!"

[-]

"What happened to her? Didn't you tell her to wait for me so we could play chess?" Erwin rubbed the back of his neck.

"She filed a leave of absence," Charlie replied, chomping on honey cakes stuffed onto her mouth. _What a pig_, Levi thought, as his eyes gave the girl a searing over. Messy hair the color of sand, freckled skin tanned from the sun – and then his eyes spotted something poking from her neck. _A hickey_. It gave the girl away – obviously, Hunter was fucking someone, and it was not disappointing to say the least.

"Why would she do that?" Jack _whined_. _And here goes another man making moon eyes at Meg_, thought Levi, irritated. _Even Lithgow is losing his pride and shit as a man and comes after an idiot who knows nothing but to speak in her highborn language._ Lithgow was a comrade, and a friend, and tolerable – but this. This was another issue at hand.

"Hasn't she told Thatcher?" Erwin crossed his arms over his chest. "If she said she wanted to take a vacation, she would approach Thatcher."

"She did," Charlie piped up.

"But it's so random," blabbed Jack.

Charlie bit her lip.

_So Mistress Capet has taken a leave of absence. We won't be hearing the princess talk of her dreams and such for a while._

Erwin nodded.

[-]

"_Imagine yourself as the king. Imagine an army of swords in front of you. Imagine a dagger behind your back. If you were a king, which would you be more afraid of?"_

"_I would be careful of the dagger at my back."_

"_Very good."_

_Her teacher nodded at her. This was praise. _

"_Tell me another thing. Would you rather be feared or loved?"_

"_I would rather be loved."_

"_Good. Why?"_

"_It… If I were a king, I would prefer to be loved. It would be easier getting the people's support that way. If I were loved, I would use it to my advantage. I could use it to make the people cooperate with me and what I want."_

"_Good answer, but not enough."_

"_Why?"_

"_Being loved… It's another thing altogether. You can please a people, placate them. It's a matter of how they see you as a leader, as a ruler. Make them love you. That way, you have the upper hand."_

"_Y-Yes."_

"_What do you know of people, Margaret? Classify them."_

"_Two. Bad and good."_

"_Wrong. There are two kinds of people in Sina – players and pieces. The players are the ones who make their move. The pieces, you use them to get closer to other players. Or say, in chess terms, manipulate them. When you play a game, against Titans or against politicians, my girl, you don't overlook the small pieces. They have wills of their own – it's a lesson that the Military Police has yet to learn. So do you."_

"_Ohh. So it is a game of chess."_

"_You have to learn to capture a king."_

"_A king?"_

"_Someone you have to protect."_

"_Me?"_

"_Or in some cases, he will protect you and be by your side."_

"_I have to find a king, then."_

"_Choose wisely."_

[-]

"Do you remember when we first met, Levi?"

Erwin mused over that night. His hand on the wine bottle, Levi facing him, the hearth was warm, but there was no roast beef nor cake – the honey cakes were all devoured by Jack and Charlie. Hanji showed Charlie and Jack her laboratory, where Jack wanted to work. Hanji was excited and psyched a lot over the experimentation process, and it was good for both of them. It had been some years since that first clash, the blackmailing, the violence. Levi had not failed him since his first expedition; Levi had not given up a life for simply nothing. They both had _wanted _something; Erwin knew all too well that Levi had his own ambitions in his life, and to serve humanity was a new thing, and Erwin had aimed higher than Levi.

"How can I forget it?"

Erwin chuckled.

"When I met you, I thought I could smell your ambition. You wanted something from me back then."

"Of course, I did. I wanted you dead."

_Dead._

Erwin had transformed the thug into a soldier, this man who had blood in his hands. Levi was not terrified of getting his hand dirty. He did what _he had to do_ for the sake of something, at least. A frail living, a life that was not kind to him, that was how the short man had lived, thieving for a living, spilling blood where he wanted and needed to. Survival where survival needed to be; the weak died and the strong lived.

"You must have hated me so much."

"I did."

One night where Meg isn't there to warm up the scene – and Erwin knew that both of them were mulling. He didn't mull over the love lost because Meg had made him mull over that; he mused over the past, when the time was nice and quiet, and it was better than to look around you and realize that this home was not really home without the completion of your squadmates' presence. No Meg to bind their wounds, wash their scars, sew stitches, weep and sing and make them food, no Meg to smile on them while she and Charlie baked cakes and made food in a frenzy of feelings.

She _felt_ so much, when Erwin could have felt so little, and almost _nothing_. She was so susceptive to feeling, and feeling – was it that easy for her? She cried easily, she wept and she found things so sad.

"Did you ever think that she was like you, Levi?"

"She's not like me. The girl wouldn't want to spill blood on her own hands."

_But she can, and she will_. Levi would not admit it – it had been Levi who had seen her those nights, staying up late for games of chess she played in her head. But she could spill blood and put them on her hands. She had wept, and she had yelled, and she had kept it to herself, every emotion, and then spill it like blood. She could do that – she whose fingers were quick enough to hold a bow and arrow and aim it so well at some soldier like he was livestock meant to be sacrificed.

The innocence, her porcelain skin, that underneath she could be a cold-blooded woman who was not terrified of blood on her hands.

He had seen through her.

"And you…"

"You turned me into a soldier."

"I blackmailed you."

"Yes, but you did more than that."

If it were easier…

In the beginning, there had been two ambitious young men. One wanted to survive – and the other wanted a high position. They were prodigies, they were the sons of the Scouting Legion, and the sun shone on them, the sons. The Wings of Freedom represented their flight, to dive into the attempt of saving humanity. Their paths had converged - the roads became one – and there had been another upset.

_She had thrown both of them off._

He had sensed it.

_I was not born for myself alone._

Power. Control. Ambition. It had been her.

"Did you think you were ambitious back then?"

"I _was_ ambitious."

An awkward peal of laughter.

"When she got assigned, did you think that she would throw us off?"

"I didn't see it coming."

_And Meg is better at predicting than both of us._

It had been Thatcher's idea, too. Jack Lithgow, she had predicted, would get along with Levi. It had come true. Charlie would make a good tactician and fighter, head-on, and she had reasoned they were good fighters, all of them, and that she saw so much potential in them, and she just wanted to _help_ them.

"_In Wall Sina, you will deal with two kinds of people."_

_Thatcher's mouth had its lopsided scowl, her eyes green as leaves, her attractiveness was a given. He had better focus than most men – most men would be eyeing her as if she was a statue, she was beautiful, her skin porcelain and rosy and she could steal hearts with a look._

"_The strong and the weak."_

"_Close enough."_

"_Then what is it?"_

"_The players and the pieces." She looked at Levi._

"_What does the weak do to the strong?"_

[-]

The vacation was supposed to last two weeks. Meg had filed without bothering to wait for Erwin – Erwin and Levi could wait, but this was urgent. She had hidden her uniform away; it had been too long since she had gone back to Capet territory. This was what _home_ was supposed to be – the taste of home, the smell of home that she felt whenever Levi was nearby. As a lady from a great House, Meg had taken great cares of her appearance in civilian - another lady's dress she had stolen from when she had left the Capet Estate five years ago, from the old tomes that her mother had once worn and her father had left to dust so softly in the folds of the cabinets. It was a dress that was casual, but it said _lady_ so well in its design that Meg was compelled to fix herself in front of the mirror of her room before leaving.

Her long hair in a braid falling past her shoulders, Meg's dress was made for the summer. It was embroidered by the sigil of her house – a lion in its light pink background of cloth. The cloth stifled her; she felt like a child in a dress. She could hide, she could run, but she had chosen her course to go back to Capet territory. Wearing her green military cape over her gown, she was an ominous figure, her eyes cold and distant and far away. No more men at least.

"I'm here to see Lord Luthor Capet." As she spoke, the noble accent bled in through the eloquent military diplomat's drawl that was taught to her.

"Lord Luthor? Who is this?"

"It's…" Meg closed her eyes and opened them. Another disguise. "It's Helena Grey, Lord Erwin Grey's wife."

The man who had answered was Edd the Less. He had been one of the eldest masters-at-arms left there. Edd's hair had grayed, the silver streaks lining his black hair, his hairline receding and his eyes were salt and water. The whiskers on his cheek were longer than ever. They had aged to the color of tissue. He had been the man who had taught her how to fence, how to fix her footwork, the one who had taught her archery alongside Master Cox.

"Grey?"

"Is there any problem with that, sir?"

Edd leaned closer.

"You look familiar, my lady. Can you take your hood off?"

Meg let the hood fall.

Red hair. Blue eyes.

"My lady!" The man fell to his knees and took her hand and kissed it. "I would have never thought you'd be a beauty…"

"Now, now, Edd, I am no beauty."

Edd smiled. The light in his eyes returned. "You are. You're a woman."

"Now, tell me, what has happened. What happened to my lord father? My lord brother? My lady sister?"

"Your lady sister is out, riding horses. She wanted to enlist in the military, too, but Ross did not want to lose another sister."

"And my lord father?"

"He's joined a cult."

"What kind of cult?"

"He worships the Walls. He's been out, worshipping the Walls by night and going to see King Fritz by day."

_I did not think.._

"EDD!"

The gate opened further, and there was a young man who was about fifteen, walking solemnly out of the gate. He smelled of alcohol. His hair was a fiery red – and he had more of his father's looks, a good-looking man he was, thin as a reed and fire in his eyes. Meg was shocked to see the young man taller than her. _Could it be?_

"Who is this?"

"Lady Helena Smith." Another lie. "I've come to visit you. My house has offered me to marry you."

"Really?"

When he took her hand, he gave it a squeeze. _Just as I suspected. He wants me_, she realized. A hand on her shoulder.

"Yes."

"Ah, my lady, tell me, what do you like?"

"Archery."

"You know that? Let's play."

As suspected, she thought, thirty minutes, when they were at the archery field, that this was Ross. He kept looking at her, with eyes that burned through her. Despite his sudden interest in her, he seemed to be self-possessed. He was fiery, but this fire was controlled. Fifteen, he would be about fifteen, and hardly saw women his age, so it was doubtable this would happen.

A hand traced her shoulder.

"My lady, what things do you like to do in your free time?" Meg nodded at Edd as he tossed her a bow – and a set of arrows.

"I read. I play chess." Meg spotted an archery dummy. Why not show this idiot who she was once and for all? She took the bow and stretched it. Farther – an she inserted an arrow up into it.

"Ah, that's very good. I like learned women as they are beautiful." The arrow flew – and landed directly into the bull's eye.

Ross stared at her into shock.

"Ross!"

_Father._

When Lord Luthor came into view, his jaw dropped.

"Is that…."

"What?" Ross blinked.

"Is that your _sister?_"

[-]

Father had gotten upset – and locked himself away. To make amends, Ross had asked Meg to sup with him in the Great Hall, to catch up. The Great Hall had changed so much – it was now deserted, and it was colder there now.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. I lied about it, so I should be saying the sorry," Meg murmured.

"Were you lying to me, too, about your hobbies?"

"I wasn't."

A breath of relief.

"You didn't seem like you came from the military."

"Why would I, little brother?"

"You look beautiful, blooming."

"Oh."

"You look like a woman in love. You're blooming, you must have a man hankering over you. I don't know if you're still single."

"I'm not in love!" Meg laughed.

"Why?"

"I… I'm a soldier now. I've given my heart to people I have to fight to protect."

"I see, then."

"Do I have any unwanted engagements? Betrothals? I'm not seeing anyone in the military. No one's interested in me." At least, that was how it appeared to her.

"You have plenty."

"Ooh. How'd you deal with that?"

"I told them to wait."

"Wait for me?"

"Pretty much. I didn't expect you'd come back."

"I came back to get my archery. I took a break and I didn't tell my partners about it." Levi wouldn't care if she left. Erwin? She didn't know. Erwin _cared_ for her – not like Levi who did things because it was his job.

"How come you're not in the MP?"

"I took on the Scouting Legion because I had a deal with Uncle Vane to be a medic. I wanted to be a medic, but now…"

"Now what?"

"I think it's slowly coming to me what I really want to do. How about you, Ross?"

"I missed you. I missed you singing. I missed playing with you. It's a shock. I wanted you to head the house when Father is gone, but since you're a soldier, I guess, I should weather the tides."

"Me?"

"You're better than me."

"I'd rather risk my life fighting Titans." She would. She had offered her heart to fight. Erwin. Jack. Fighting alongside her squad. All the regrets, the times she had cried… Was this heartache? "I'd contribute more that way."

[-]

Within Capet territory, there were rumors that flew by. There was a redheaded lady who gave food to passing beggars. She visited the hospitals nearby, and she talked to the children nearby. In the span of two weeks, almost everyone knew her. She was pretty, she was nice, and she was sweet and she knew you.

They said she was a soldier, but the smallfolk refused to believe it. She was a lady. She was a fairy. She was an angel.

When asked what she was, she had laughed and looked at you and told you that she was human and that she was not born for herself alone.

[-]

"You miss her, don't you?"

"Who said I did?"

"You usually talk her down. You usually push her away. You don't appreciate her efforts."

"I'm just giving her a reality check, you brat."

"Screw you." Jack burped.

[-]

_Why do we like to hurt so much? Why of all the possibilities, it was wrong?_

Years later, Levi would ponder over Mistress Meg's thinking. She had dreamt, and he had felt so envious, he would realize. She knew how to love, she knew how to outsmart, she knew what it was like to be full with a heavy belly in the night, but she didn't know what it was when men were attracted to her, when she was mutually attracted to men, what it was like to love romantically, to touch bare backs and feel flesh, to scream like a mute, and be a freak. He envied her – and he envied that innocence.

He had to push her away. He had to keep her away from him. One touch – and he could fall.

When he looked outside his window, the stars looked at him.

_He had seen her look at them._

"_I was taught," she had whispered, "to chart and name every one of them."_

Was that even possible?

She was keeping him up again.

Levi shut the window.

_I wish she'd fucking stop getting under my skin_.


	6. Breath of Life

**EMPIRE**

**Summary:** Nobody wanted to cry a little more - and women would always want the breath of life.

**Notes:** For the song Meg sang, please refer to the song "Winter Child" in the drama Dream High. The version I used is the English one from Youtube. Spoiler: guess who takes a level in badassery?

* * *

**VI. Breath of Life **

Caroline Thatcher never expected that dream. That one more touch, that taste of heaven** – but** it had never hit her that way. She had come to the military at sixteen, worldly and eager to escape a betrothal that was burning her noble clan from the inside, and she was now decades older, but still shining in her old age, leading a squad that had much to learn. It had been almost two years now, with the expeditions in between. Her protégée was doing well, and she had taken a break for a while.

"You two are very ambitious ones, aren't you?" Caroline murmured to her students. Erwin Smith – the rising star of the Scouting Legion, and Levi, the thug turned soldier, a man prodigious at using the 3DMG. Ambition and control – she knew they wanted those. Erwin was a man with a plan – and he was quick. Levi was a fighter, and together, they were unstoppable, their dynamic perfect until someone had thrown it off.

"I am."

It was Erwin who spoke up.

"Of course you are."

Levi was silent.

"I have offers for both of you."

"A promotion?"

"A potential one," Caroline noted. _These men are rapidly progressing. Such brave young soldiers…_

"Would you like to lead your own squad, Levi?"

"Me?"

"Yes."

"I… would like to think on the offer."

"What if it is an _order?_"Caroline raised her brow, her face grim and dim. "It's a possibility I've been hankering out. You did well in the last expeditions – more than worthy, more than exceptional. You saved my sweet protégée more times than I expected you to do. If you were a knight and I were a lord, I would reward you generously for doing it so well. I'd give you Meg's hand if I could, but it's another pretty piece of business. As for Erwin, Shadis has been asking for your services. Shadis is not getting any younger, and as the years grow by, I'm worried if he grows harder on himself as well."

"That would mean leaving Meg behind more," Erwin replied coolly. "You placed Cadet Capet under my tutelage. I am responsible for her. I can't leave her. She'll barely hold herself in a fight."

_A good point_.

"The shitty princess should take care of herself," Levi sniffed. Erwin did have a point. It was a legible reason why he had saved her from the filthy musician who tried to lay a hand on her when she had no weapon. "She saved herself during a mission. Held a bow and an arrow, Captain."

"_Maybe_ you two are coddling her too much."

"Maybe."

"Really, you three… Your dynamic is really quite amusing. As your leader, I'd want you two to teach Cadet Capet the ropes. Erwin's been doing his job – and Levi, I didn't expect to be so disappointed at how _lousy_ you teach. You are an amazing fighter, you have great abdominal muscles, but that does not make you wise."

Charlie, who was present, burst out laughing at the mention of _abdominal muscles_.

"Teach her to put blood in her hands?" Levi scowled.

"If possible."

"I absolutely _refuse._ I will not teach that princess who knows nothing how to kill."

Caroline smiled through the irritation. "You _will_ teach her, whether you like it or not. Teach her to be stronger. I can't stand her crying all the time."

_Crying makes Meg Meg._

"She's sensitive, don't you realize that?" Charlie yelled. "She's easily emotional."

"I know!" Caroline barked back. "I want you to teach her what it means to be a leader. I want her to learn what it means to fight, for the sake of those who are dead. I know you understand me. Do the names Farlan Church and Isabel Magnolia ring a bell? Cadet Capet is going to be great one day, and as a leader, she will suffer losses and I need you, Levi, to help me teach her how to deal with losses."

"Why so urgent, though?" inquired Erwin. Levi's eyes steeled at the woman.

Caroline shut her mouth. Now or never. The poison was in her body and though she had weathered its tide, she knew the effects would stay long-term. She _knew_ from Vane who had taken a look – and _knew_.

_You won't have much to live. A few years. Five at best, two-three at worse._ She had grit her teeth at the revelation. She didn't want to be weak. Not for her squad. Not for Keith Shadis. Not for the houses and clans in Wall Sina. Not for the politics. Not for Darius Zackley. It was coming down so fast – and the time was ticking away. Erwin needed a secure place to nestle in, and what would happen to Levi? If only… Jack was doing so well as a scientist and Meg and Charlie.

"Time is running out," Caroline retorted, "and someday, the tasks will be carried on your shoulders. I feel it in my bones, and I've made my messes. I'm playing with what I have so that the order for you three to take over is near. Do you get me, Levi, Erwin? I'll die sooner, and I want to make sure you three are safe. If by the time I am gone Meg is still a child, and she keeps needing me, please, please, protect her."

"You're making me swear to protect her?"

"I want you to. She'll need men who will be loyal to her," Caroline muttered. "You two are reliable. She will need to have support. When she falls, she will catch herself. If she lacks, you will help her make up for it."

"I swear it." Charlie's voice was first to come. "I'll protect her."

"Levi, you have no choice. If you fall, she will catch you," Caroline went on. "You three _need_ each other. Charlie and Jack can take care of themselves – but you three are all _connected_. I want you three to be together, to keep working together."

[-]

"_What's Mistress Meg's favourite flower?"_

"_She loved roses. She loved violets."_

"_Why them?"_

"_Roses smelled good, but they can hurt you if you touch them. Violets meant honesty, faithfulness."_

[-]

"Can I talk to you?"

He hadn't noticed that she was back. Without a rap in his door, the little lady had entered his bedroom so casually and turned to him. _Look who's got manners, the little princess._ When he had actually turned his back to face her, he didn't let it show. Back faster than expected – but the two weeks she was away was a little more relief-giving. She bothered him, and it was hard to tell if it was _bad_ or good. After all, she had tried to chase after him, and she hadn't known what it was called. The skin on her neck, the flames of her hair – she was back in uniform.

"What is it about? Make it quick."

"I would like to apologize."

"Apologize about what?"

"I'm sorry if I keep getting in your way. I've been thinking about you. I've always been a thorn in your side, haven't I?" The redhead blinked, her eyes earnest. "You push me away, and you think I'm annoying, conceited and hardheaded and stubborn and suicidal. I am human, Levi, but if you are angry at me for bothering you, then I will stop bothering you. You respect your privacy, after all. It would not be fair to me to keep badgering you for help, for anything if you would not be reciprocating it. I'll stop running after you – you're older than me, and I failed to acknowledge that fact. I was too dependent on you to save me. From now on, I'd like us to be-" An intake of air.

"Cut to the chase. I don't need your pretty words."

"Ah…."

_For starts, the princess is rather hard-headed_.

"You're way too suicidal, and it's an attitude I have to correct. You'll be dead in an ambush if you are without a weapon and fighting men."

"I'm not suicidal! I've offered my heart to Humanity!" Meg's eyes burned blue. _Young, ambitious – and too selfless and stubborn for her own good_. "I swore to give my life for humanity – and I know one day I will die for Humanity's cause! It is inevitable! I wasn't made for myself alone!"

She was flawed in his eyes. Highborn and naïve and too kind and gullible and hardheaded and emotional, her high cheekbones, her gentle manners sometimes made him want to tug farther from her. It was so _disgusting_ – but then, that been back then. What did he see now? He could fumble with words, with her, unlike her where words came out so well it confounded him. She confused him.

"If you don't want to die, think."

She blinked – and he let his feet move faster than she could blink. Within the sweep of the floor, he had tripped her - and her eyes widened at the sudden motion. Instead of catching her, she landed on the floor, flat and shocked.

"Think?"

"Fight."

"F-Fight."

He grabbed her shoulder.

"If you so want to protect others, you have to learn how to fight yourself. You need to be trained. Pain is the best way to learn."

"Pain?" Her mouth twisted.

"It is," Levi confirmed. His hold on her shoulder tightened. "We should take this outside. I'll have to teach you myself. I wonder how Erwin got something into that delicate skull of yours."

"He was gentle, not like you –"

She gasped.

Her head kissed the dusty ground as Levi shoved her deeper into the floor. It was a hard shove – the shove of a thug, a murderer.

"W-What was that for?"

"I'm not going to handle you with kid gloves. This is the military, not a tea party. If you get beaten up, no one will be gentle on you."

Blood on her lips.

"Can't we –"

Couldn't she shut up?

He lunged for her, the speed of light, the thunder in his veins released. Doing _it_ again was so damn tempting. Really. However, he knew her too well – and she was so terrifying sometimes. She didn't terrify him, but her nature was said to be gentle and sweet, but Levi knew her too well. Tear her. Tear into her limb by limb. What would have Erwin said about this? He was overpowering her, no doubt. _It_.

Could she have remembered _it_ so well? She spaced out. But she could remember.

He could smell her skin – she smelled like musk and roses and some earth – his lip on her ear, then his nose on her soft hair. _Try to fight me back._

She rose – and hit the wall. A book fell to the floor from the impact of her landing. He moved nearer to her and pulled out a dagger and thrust it a few inches near her – It pierced through the wall, and her eyes dilated at the sudden close contact. Her cheeks pinked – and it didn't take Levi one minute to figure out why she was blushing. Their shoulders rubbed and so did their torsos. Tangled up in the wall.

Her hand pushed his chest.

"Can't I –" Her cheeks were red. Levi scowled and pushed his face closer to hers. A strand of her red hair brushed his cheek.

"Your words can't protect you all the time. Prepare yourself for your worse-case scenario – and that means, you can get attacked so you better work on hand-to-hand combat. If you don't want to die, think of something to save yourself." As he spoke, he spun the dagger in his hand and slid into the air an inch before where her chest was. She wouldn't dominate anyway.

She rammed her knee against his stomach – and he jumped backwards. It hurt - but Levi had suffered through worse.

"More."

Another one.

"When do we stop?"

She grits her teeth, red blood pooling on her lips. Defiant.

"Not until you learn how to properly hold yourself in a fight when your words fail you."

"Words are my way."

"Didn't I tell you already? Erwin won't always be there to save your sorry ass." _Neither will I_. Forget that _it_ happened, he wanted to snap at her. "Words won't always save everyone. You've said it yourself – that in real life, the monsters win."

"Fight, isn't it?"

"If you can't think, you can't fight. If you can't fight, you can't win."

"So I'll always lose?"

"That's why I'm teaching you, you little…" Another attack – and this time, _she _ was the one building up on speed. More and faster – a futile effort, but an effort nonetheless. Her hands gripped his shoulders, and she lifted her knee to hit him once again. Her kick hit him – but he slid from under her leg, and caught her leg.

Frustrated, the girl bit her lip and her fingers wound around him so tightly it was a viselike claw. Her fingertips were soft – but a reddish color.

A twist – and then, he knew what was being done to him. He was sliding, biting at the air, at the dust that seized her and him – force was faster than time itself, he was _floating_. The breaths between the two of them were one and the same and the room was now empty and cold, and hearts blazed, and the room could not keep it on.

She had thrown him in the air – and his grip on her had loosened.

He minimized his fall by sliding his hand against the bookshelf.

A game of tug and war.

"Think you're funny, brat?"

"I'm not funny!" she snarled – and then they hit the wall. Her fingers curling around his throat, her eyes fire, and her gentleness forgotten. More force was applied, and Levi had the decency to thrust her dagger into her back.

A rip.

She had danced away – the military jacket was thrown off and she had discarded it, that thing with the rip.

But she hadn't.

He gripped her wrist and pulled her, so hard that she landed into him at symmetrical docking. Shoulder to shoulder, chest to chest.

Silence from her.

"First you push me away and now you're pulling me to you," she mumbled, her eyes narrowed.

"We're in the same squad, idiot. It's about time you really learn your place."

"My place?"

He didn't say anything and released her. The little princess could just answer it herself – in her head, where she resided best, with memories and dreams and things he envied and could have wanted.

[-]

"I've been meaning to grab a cup of tea with you. I'm glad we finally got to talk!"

Uncle Vane was more than relieved to see her when she had her bruises and scratches from Levi checked. Afterwards, they were now sharing cups of tea together under the roof of the Medical Division, where she had meant to be placed. Her dream had been to work as a medic, but she had gotten assigned under Captain Thatcher, and now, there were more things to worry about. Uncle Vane's face aged, but his eyes were still the same glow of blue that was gentle and kind and willing to listen to you and pour over small things.

"Well, three years, I knew you'd finally make it! And 7th place! Not a bad attempt!"

"Well, I did get placed under Squad Thorn, under Caroline Thatcher. I didn't realize she was the Queen of Thorns, though." Meg nodded, a sign of politeness that she was raised with. This was her uncle she was dealing with. It felt good to be warm and open and personal with a family member. She had missed him terribly – he had taken her in and he had overseen her through her trainee years, and visiting him although it was rare she got to visit him.

"I just wanted to help."

"How is the life of a soldier?"

"My squad's not exactly the most… peaceful atmosphere for me." How could she explain it all, soldier to soldier? Vane's hands nourished _life_. What had hers accomplished? She had bound Levi's wounds and scars with her hands. She had washed Erwin's back with her hands. She had cooked meals for her team with those hands. And sometimes, she used those hands to sew shirts for her team mates. She wrote with them, she held books with them. And she had killed. The memory of her first kill returned – and she was shocked at easy it was to _kill_. Suddenly, memories and dreams spilled back – and she sat there, shock at her heart.

Her heart was a weapon. Her mind was a weapon. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth… The world had been black and white until she had officially tasted her mission with her squad. Titans – and now people. She would have _enemies_. The men who had made passes at her – the musician Levi had slashed for her, the military men Levi had saved her from. She had lost track of how it would end. How was she going to manage this? Where was justice? What was she going to believe in now?

"Do you have blood on your hands?"

"That's the problem." Meg looked up. "I end up with blood on my hands – and I've thought I have to contribute to humanity as a soldier. I am a soldier, but, my dreams… My dreams.. They keep appearing when I am asleep. Sometimes, I feel like I am in the wrong place. It's a lot to figure out."

Vane frowned.

"Have you ever killed a man?"

Vane shook his head.

"Never. I don't mean to. Hands that are supposed to kill could have been used to nourish life. Your hands need to be clean. Your hands are the hands of a woman. A woman can fight. A woman can work and preach. And destroy and create like a man."

"My hands?"

Her.

Hands.

"What have you done with those hands?"

"I used to coax life out of the gardens when I was a child. I used to plant trees and roses and flowers at the backyard. I used to ride horses and rein them in, and when the rain came, I watched. I wanted to feel the rain on my skin." Memories again and again. A kiss on the lips, the darkness around, and the feel of hands that were callused on her skin. Had he taken the kiss? The blood on the horse. The feeling of terror, that she was _powerless_.

Blood on her hands.

Blood of her comrades.

"I killed two men in the capital."

And she had not hesitated. The demon inside of her.

"Forgive me."

It would never be the same.

Nothing would ever be the same.

Vane took the girl's hands. He kissed them tenderly.

"The hands you hold have blood in them, Uncle. You're not worthy to touch them."

"You're still young. You must do what you must. In the end, it is your decision. As a soldier, lives are at stake. There is still a sweet silver lining someday, my dear. If you have to fight, fight. Fight for what you believe in, what you love, and follow your heart. Everyday, I get older, and I hear of you, turning into a woman in such short notice."

Blood on her hands. A broken heart.

"Uncle, so I must fight."

"You will have to. Everyday is a battle, and everyone is fighting. That's why you must still be kind."

A nod.

"You must be aware and take care of yourself. Sooner and later, you'll have men at your feet. They will want you, and you should choose the men you will ally yourself wisely. Choose men who will be faithful, who are capable."

"Yes, Uncle."

"In matters of love…"

"I'm not interested in love."

"You'll fall in love, one day – and there will be others who will fall in love with you. Be careful. Choose a man after your own heart. Make sure he will pick you up when you fall, and you become his sheathe and scabbard."

"Yes, Uncle."

She thought of Ross. How young had he been when she had left. Ross was strapping, and somehow reminded her of herself – a little bit. He was stronger, he could weather the tides and keep on swimming.

Keep on swimming. Keep on fighting, keep on living.

Living.

That would do for now.

[-]

"Carrot's getting more popular."

"You got a problem with that?"

Jack was stuck with Charlie for lunch. Meg had said that she would have lunch on her own – or with her uncle, she had wanted to see her uncle after not talking to him for so long. Charlie didn't blame Meg; Meg did miss him dearly, she wanted to talk to him. Although she didn't say so, Charlie knew it. She sensed it - the girl often wrote before she slept and sometimes, she was so tired when bunking, the ink spilt on her fingers and then her inks would mark the name of her uncle. And yet, she had said that she had almost no one left. For all Charlie's practicality, she knew better than to accept things at face value when it came to Meg, who took things with words quicker than Levi came at Titans with his blades and showed off his skills.

"It's just an observation. Carrots is a fool."

"She's just doing what she thinks is right."

"No. I don't agree." Jack rolled his eyes. "All that political power she has in her hands, all those words she can tell others. All those publicity stunts she could do in Sina. All the attention – it's her. She'd make a good hostage. She doesn't belong here."

"Really. I thought you favoured her, too." Charlie's reply was to scowl. Jack was so tricky to understand. Where Meg thought with her heart and mind, Jack was too rational and somehow more in tune with his head and himself than Charlie herself would ever be. He thought before he spoke and he liked to work on strategies, but Charlie didn't doubt Erwin's progress surpassed his. Jack got along so well with Levi, it was a wonder the two didn't get into fights when they talked about Meg. But then, Levi was more mature, older and as far as he was concerned, Jack was younger and making moon eyes.

"I don't."

"Who do you really favour?"

"I like Hanji. Steady and passionate."

"Uh huh."

Charlie nodded.

"How about Levi?"

"He's very sane. Much, much saner than Erwin can be. I don't like how Erwin's close to Meg. I'd feel much better if Levi and Meg stuck together."

"You favour Levi."

"I do."

"Isn't that unfair?"

"How so?"

"You're not seeing her fairly. How do you really see her?"

"Carrots isn't just Carrots." The cover is down. Jack Lithgow's complex physics had always confounded Charlie. It made her eyes squint. She was used to face value, not cryptic words and messages, the lack of interaction from him. It threw her off. He could read Meg, and sometimes, they were the antithesis to each other. Emotional while the other was not. Cheerful while he was direct.

"Carrots… is me and I am her."

"What the fuck?"

In a way, she pretended that she did not understand. Meg and Jack were coins – two halves of the same coin.

_They could have been inseparable._

_They could have been unstoppable._

"Carrots is climbing a ladder."

"What about the ladder?"

"Chaos is a ladder, my sweet Charlie."

"I'm not sweet. I'm no maiden, you asshole."

"You forget. You forget things. Chaos is a ladder, and the chaos can possibly ruin her. Mistress Meg needs allies to succeed and she won't easily earn that. I could be her sworn knight. I could make her mine, as long as she needed me."

"She doesn't see you that way."

And she never will.

"So what?"

"Knowing her, she'll play on Erwin."

"Erwin Smith will toss her away."

"How about if it's Levi?"

"Levi… will push her away. Me or nothing at all."

"Jack, do you realize how dangerous this is?"

"I know. I always know."

[-]

"Do you know what you want?"

It was Erwin who broke the question. The light from the windows spilled on the ground, the locked door made no sense, and his bed was neatly-made. It was the first time she was invited inside his room, and this was a boy's room. He had discarded the coat and she had done the same, because it was pretty hot. The chess game was at a standstill, the pieces overlapping and chasing each other to the level of gaping and grasping straws.

"Me?"

"Somehow, I know. Why are you asking me this? What about you?"

"I always know what I want. I like getting my things done."

_He said he would be the king…_

"You aim for the Commander position, do you not?" Meg's palm caressed the chessboard. Her eyes were slit. Inwardly, her heart sank. _Will he leave me? If he leaves me, who will monitor my progress? Who will protect me if not myself? I can be a piece, but I cannot risk it._

"I did."

"When you joined, did you think of such a notion?"

"I considered it. What about you?"

Meg laughed, a grim laugh for someone so young and so innocent. They called her naïve, but she knew a growing popularity had its own perks.

"About me? I should be the one who listens. I listen to you. All the time. You should not ask me things that you have little interest in."

"I am interested in you. I'm not lying." The rustle of cloth against the table.

"I know you won't lie to me, but, Erwin…"

"But what?"

"I don't think you'd like my answers."

"Answer me. I want to hear your opinion."

"I'm a child. You think I'm an idiot, you think I'm a bad liar, that I keep thinking life is a song, to my sorrow. You think I'm just a pretty face, don't you?"

"I would still listen to you all the same. If you want a friend, you have a friend and that's me."

"What if I wanted answers?"

"Answers to what?"

"Every question I have ever asked ever since I became a soldier." Meg looked at him, jaw set. "Everything I have dreamed of. I have dreamt of a woman in a castle of snow, and she was looking at corpses. Then I dreamt of stars and a man and a woman. I dreamt of a labyrinth and running across it so much – and gardens. I've dreamt and sometimes, I get nightmares. I have to keep asking, why am I given these?"

"They can be gifts. I can answer your questions."

"Have you…" She took a deep breath. "Have you ever thought of people's blood on your hands? Do you feel guilty about it or not?"

When she looked at him, she saw another person. Cold.

"If I need to do that, to throw away any humanity on me, to spill blood on my hands, for the sake of humanity…."

She dreaded the answer.

"…Then I'll do it."

Erwin Smith was more than he looked. He was not scared of these things. He had the gall to take them for the sake of helping humanity. She had wanted to help Humanity.

But how..?

"Answer my question," Erwin pressed. Her head spun. Suddenly, she felt hazy and dreamy, and surprisingly, uncomfortable. His hand brushed against hers, and the closeness was a little overwhelming. The physical distance was so little, and he was stronger and larger than her. Was she wrong to trust him?

"I wish I knew," she whispered. _I don't want to think about this. I don't want a man on my bed. I don't want to feel so bad over dying. I don't want to feel bad over small things. I want to see people happy and help them. I want to make something bigger than me, I want to make a thing that will make people happy._

For a moment, he held her hand. There was no squeeze, just her, her aching heart, her desires, her dreams, her aching head, the nightmares.

"Do you want to be a medic, to bind wounds?"

"Not as much as before." Meg bit her lip. Life and death, and fighting. There had to be something she had to grasp harder.

"Would you want to lead?"

"Yes."

"Then you have a lead. You know something."

"That's a relief."

"Meg, how do you think about Levi?"

"What about him?"

"Just tell me."

"I used to mislike him. He…" _He could have been the knight who took me somewhere safe. _"He's steady and strong. Reliable."

_And somewhere, I know he is kind_.

"Have you… ever developed feelings for anyone in the squad?"

"Me?"

Jack?

No.

"I think I would have fallen…."

"Fallen in love?"

"Yes."

She looked at him in the eye squarely. She would not regret this.

"If I let myself choose, I could have fallen for a handsome and strong man in the squad. He could have been my knight, like the knights of the old."

Not anyone.

She had thought this before, but now…

"But there are no real knights, not in here nor anywhere. The only one who can save me is myself."

_My skin is no longer as smooth as I thought._

Silence.

"I've assigned you to Levi in the next expedition."

"Why?"

"Orders. One last expedition, then I can let you do what you need to do. I have faith in you."

"Thank you, Erwin."

When she entered her bedroom, there was a bouquet of flowers on her window sill. Her room looked newly cleaned, the books arranged, nothing left.

What was shocking was the flowers themselves.

There were white roses – and blue violets.

Her favourite flowers.

[-]

"What I really wanted back then, was not to have a place in the world," Caroline mused. She downed her third bottle of wine. "Hmmm…"

"You're not supposed to get drunk, you're an _invalid_ now," Levi grunted.

"Put a lid on it, midget! I don't really want to worry myself sick." Caroline rolled her eyes. "I outrank you, so it's safe enough that I'll get drunk."

"And who gets to pay the bill for the wine?" Hanji sighed.

"Levi," Caroline replied. "Of course, he would."

"Go on," Erwin instructed. "I'm listening to every word."

Levi scowled.

"I was born in a war, between nobility and nobility. The Titan problem led to more deaths, and I was engaged to an idiot who wanted my riches. I could have seduced someone else, but I took it in my head that I wanted something to fight for. So I joined the military, I graduated the valedictorian because of my leadership skills. I was never emotional – I knew what I wanted, I had my heart and my head on my tasks. A noble's life never really appealed to me. I would get bored playing the game of the thrones so easily and so loosely. I didn't want that. Why not use my energy on something more productive?"

Another sip.

"So I navigated this world. I learned to prove myself. I thought I would be safe keeping my heart sworn to a cause. However, the heart longs, and I fell in love. I didn't expect it to happen, too. Now that you thought about it, I didn't expect that he would like me back. He was a strong man. One of the strongest fighters I've ever known – and he wasn't the only one who went after me. There was another man. Both of them were strong. They were merciless Titan-killers. I held my own against them, too."

"You fell in love," Levi stated.

"I did, you asshole." Caroline huffed. "It took me years to do that. It took me such a long time to accept it. I had already given my maidenhead to a fellow soldier, we were both drunk and we felt like doing it. Thank goodness, I did not get pregnant. When we both realized that we did love each other, we latched onto each other and went all the way. We wanted and considered a family, but we were soldiers. Both of us wanted to keep fighting, and fighting. The other man watched us, and his affections were rarely returned. Then one day, he left, to fight – and I pinned for him, and the other man gave me his affection and we latched onto each other. By the time the other man came back, my lover took a leave of absence and transferred divisions to respect me and my man."

Caroline felt heavy. She was full of years. Nothing else, more or nothing.

"I could have chosen any of them. We were young, and we were like you."

She shut her eyes.

"Are you still going to join the expedition? Shadis says it's best not to go," Erwin warned. Shadis of course, wanted her to rest.

"So does Vane."

Damn.

That Vane.

When would they both stop?

"I know what Vane says. Vane said I would have nerve damage – and my kidneys are ruined. I'm still going to that last fucking expedition!"

"But you'll die!" Hanji exclaimed.

"Whatever happens will happen. It's not my fault, it's my choice. I just wanted to go out of the Walls one time, before I make it out alive and I'll forever be confined uselessly."

_I cannot let them leave without me._

_Meg needs a woman to talk to._

_Erwin and Levi and Hanji and Charlie… Even Jack needs me._

_"__A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with." _

[-]

She couldn't sleep again. He couldn't sleep again.

There they were again, looking at each other under the window, at the stars.

"You can't sleep too, huh?"

"I'm close to giving up trying to sleep," Meg confessed. He said nothing, just a stare that said little.

"Get some sleep."

"Why don't you sleep?"

"That's none of your business."

"I…apologize for that."

"There's nothing for you to apologize for."

_You saw my tears. You could have given me a smile._

The tension lay with him and her.

"Tell me, if you have ever tried to sleep – and if you dream."

"I sleep on an average of five hours per day. Happy with that?"

"I'm not. Why can't you sleep like a normal human being? You deserve more than that."

"When I close my eyes, I dream. And you think I should be feeling sorry for you just because you have nightmares."

"I don't feel that way towards you. You saved me from that lecherous minstrel. You saved me during my first expedition. I owe you my life. My life is no longer mine – it's _yours_."

For a moment, she was terrified he would hit her like he did when they were training.

"You should keep yourself alive worrying if you'll survive, not give your life to me."

"No. I acknowledge that you saved me."

"I was only doing my job."

"You still saved me. I want to save you, too."

He looked back at her. _Why is my heart beating so fast? Why are my hands sweating? Why is my face heating up?_ Good thing it was dark – he would not notice it.

"What month is it?"

"It's December."

So that was why it was cold. Meg had taken a few peeks of the calendar when she was packing – and she had realized that the name days they celebrated here… were rare. The squad had celebrated Jack and Erwin and Meg's name days, but what of Levi's?

"When were you born?"

"December 25."

"Do you know something?"

"What?"

Meg smiled. "They say that those born in December are winter children. I know in a week's time, both of us might have a high possibility of being dead, so I guess, maybe I will celebrate your birthday with you now."

"I didn't ask for it. I don't want your pity. "

"Hush."

She put a finger to his lips.

"They have a song for those born in December. They say those like you, are kind and clean and clear. I shall sing it for you now." She filled her lungs with air.

_Born in winter  
This beautiful you  
Clean like snow  
You who belong to me_

Born in winter  
My lover  
Clear as snow  
You who belong to me

Regardless whether it's spring, summer, autumn, or winter  
Always clear and clean

Born in winter  
The beautiful you  
Clean like snow  
My lover

Outside, the snow fell.

When the song ended, she expected nothing – but she saw him look away, almost struggling with something.

"There. I gave you a song if you can't have my life."

He looked at her, grim and glum that she steeled herself for a sharp word.

"What are you really trying to tell me?"

"I'm telling you Happy Birthday. You're a beautiful winter child, clean like snow, as lovely as the snow. I'm telling you that you mean something to me."

_You're so beautiful_.

He could be aching deep inside, Meg thought, as she had earlier watched him struggle as she had sang to him.

"Is this what you really want to do?"

Meg thought for a moment.

"I want to keep everyone safe, I want to make something that will do that. I want to build something to keep everyone safe."

_And I will figure out everything_.

"Is that all?"

"So much more."

"Then tell me more."

"I want to raise my hand, I want to be able to pull myself from harm, I want to use everything I know to fight. I don't want to cry no more. I don't want to die a little more. I'll do that. For once, I wish to be brave as you. I want to be like you. If I need to wear a crown, I will do that. Then I wonder, will I be a warrior? Will I be a queen?"

In the cold, the distance grew smaller.

No, she doesn't mention the memory of a kiss.

She wanted the breath of life.

That night, he _listened_.

[-]

During the expedition, there were many sights. One was of the invalid Caroline Thatcher relentlessly marching her way. Despite the reports that she had sustained permanent damage from poison from a Wall Sina noble's attempts to hold her own, she held her own, marching and attacking with all her will. Her team was scattered – Erwin Smith was assigned at Commander Shadis' beck and call, with Moses Braun, and other more elite soldiers. Jack Lithgow, clean-cut, and nerdy, was back-to-back with Hanji Zoe, his cuts precise and speedy, while Hanji Zoe flew all around in random centripetal motion, cutting Titans with speed of sight and sound. Charlie Hunter, true to her name, was relentless in pursuit of Titans. She was at the front of the unit, and attacked directly, and worked sometimes with Jack, acting as a decoy for the Titans so that Jack and Hanji could strike from behind.

Levi, the notorious former thug, earned the name of Humanity's Strongest in that day. He slashed efficiently with unsurpassed speed and skill through the Titans. He killed countless Titans on his own – and occasionally came to the side of Margaret Capet, who he was partnered with for that expedition. In contrast to him, Margaret hovered near groups and led them by herself. She was shaken, but her jaw was set, they whispered, and her hair a burning color of fire, her eyes blazing and she looked so nervous and so finicky one thought she would faint.

But she had led more than ten group kills – and killed about ten Titans on her own. However, she dropped by the invalids, not caring if her hair got loose or if she was bleeding so severely. She offered words to her comrades and rapped at them so that they could continue fighting. Sometimes, she sang, to keep calm – and she used her emotions to do her job correctly.

The fighting raged on.

At night, letters were written. One of the letter-writers was Caroline Thatcher. She was spotted holding pens and papers with Medic Division Leader Vane, who was reported to Meg Capet's uncle by the mother side. By the firelight, Thatcher was cheerful, and her squad would talk and drink.

Many things happened in that expedition. There were many losses – and one of them was Caroline Thatcher.

How did she die?

She sacrificed herself as decoy in a Titan's mouth.

What happened to her squad?

Erwin Smith survived, and Levi got an injury.

It was said that popular member Margaret Capet was last seen tending to an invalid Levi.

[-]

When Levi woke up from the expedition, he was surprised to see a vase of flowers near his window. There were violets in the vase, and by his side, was a sleeping girl, her legs bare and a pair of slippers on the floor. Her loose red hair flowed freely, and she wore a plain white dress. Her hand had a few bandages – and the front of her shirt was wet, as if she had cried. What had last happened? Levi struggled to remember.

_Crying. Hanji was howling. Erwin's eyes were livid, and he seemed so incredulous._ Levi could recall the pain in his back.

"What happened?"

The girl tossed and looked up.

Meg.

She coughed.

"Thatcher's dead."

_Caroline Thatcher is dead._

She had tried to save him. She had hit him across his body to keep him from saving her.

"And what happens now?"

Meg looked away, her fingers fumbling at her loose hair.

"I _said, what happens now_?"

Thatcher had placed all her hopes on this girl.

"I will answer to a council about it. You're still recovering, but the council wants you, and Erwin and Hanji and Jack and Charlie to be witnesses." She sighed.

What happened to Meg? The dress she wore was something that showed off the budding curves… The girl was no longer a girl. Her eyes spoke for herself, and there was something that clashed. Was this the woman? The girl? The warrior? The queen?

"Are you ready for it?"

"I am."

Her speech was less flowery.

He hadn't realized this.

[-]

"_What happened to your leader?"_

"_She died in the mouth of a Titan."_

"_I've heard that there were rumors… that you manipulated her to do that. You faked being attacked by the Titan itself, and then you convinced her to sacrifice herself. Is this true?"_

"_No. I will never do such a thing."_

"_There are witnesses from other sources who claim you are capable of manipulating."_

"_No!" Her voice was heavy, and there were tears from her eyes. "I don't know how to do such a thing. I'm an idiot, everyone says so! I don't even know how to do that! I've only just begged and played games, and trained. I only know is how to be a soldier. I'm just a child, please!"_

_No one said anything._

"_But Thatcher favoured you."_

"_She favoured me because she thought I was a child and I needed someone." More tears. "And she was right, you know. I cry too easily." She cried and wailed._

"_Child, it's not your fault."_

[-]

"What happens now?"

In Levi's room, the squad had gathered. Thatcher was dead – and Levi was injured. Erwin himself was in a state of stress, with new offers. Meg had begged leave, and they were waiting for her. Charlie's face was pale and red, and her fingers shook. Jack was stoic – what direction would they now go? They had lost their leader. They gathered in a common room – and from up there, was a stairwell.

"We will have to go our own path," Erwin replied.

"So I get my own squad?" Levi deadpanned.

"I think yes. And me, I will serve Commander Shadis. For Hanji, you'll get promoted as a scientist. Jack, you got offers from the Intelligence and Science divisions, and the Medical Division, too."

Their own paths.

"And Meg?" asked Charlie.

"Shall we go?"

A voice. Clear. Mature. And it came from the stairwell.

Erwin craned his head.

Meg emerged from the stairwell, in the light. Her long red hair, once in loose braids, was born in a wavy crimp. Her blue eyes were clear, her skin scrubbed, and she stood like conqueror. Her figure was emphasized in the new dress – she wore a deep navy blue dress. The dress was more of a gown – and it was low-necked, showing more skin than necessary. It was stylish, it was graceful and it was for a queen.

She strode over from them and opened the balcony.

Outside, the snow fell in clusters of storms.

"I will build an empire," she whispered, her eyes strong and steely.

An empire it was.

"She finally knows what she wants," Levi murmured.

* * *

**More Notes:**

This chapter is highly influenced by Sansa Stark's last scenes in GoT's Season 4.


	7. A Piece of Art

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Summary:** She thinks he'll break her heart. She thinks she's going to make them fall.

* * *

**vii. A Piece of Art**

"Look who's here. It's Midget who secretly makes moon eyes at Mistress Meg with the pretty red hair and the blue eyes – and has Erwin Smith fawning over her boring ideas."

The bar was a sleazy place – full of action, full of whores who were willing to pleasure you with their hands and their tongues, and full of wine to drown yourself in. Charlie liked being in the bar, alcohol cup in hand, watching the idiots make even bigger dolts out of themselves – and in a fit of drunkenness, she would join them, a soldier who needed ultimate release from her memories and see how lucky she would be. There would be times you could wake up naked in a stranger's bed. There were times when you could wake up in the streets, dirty and filthy and smelling of dirt and you could be scolded ten times over by the neat freak in your squad or you could arrive in your building to see your cute little best friend sleeping with the books and the chessboard, smiling and more often now, tossing and turning in her sleep.

This time, however, was different. Charlie had been downing alcohol glass by glass on her own – until a clean pale hand adorned with a few calluses slapped the table and took away the glass. When the sand-haired girl had looked, it was Midget who she had seen – and then she had jabbed away at him. At the snip from her, Midget scowled and rolled his eyes and took the seat next to her.

"I don't make moon eyes at her, brat."

"You do," Charlie muttered. It was a private joke she shared with herself, that Midget looked at her. When Erwin looked at _ her_, what did he see? If Midget looked, did he fawn over her, wonder to himself how her hair was fire and her eyes water? At this rate, her head spun and she felt more compelled to down more alcohol in a go. Denial, denial, Midget.

"I sure as hell don't."

"Sure as hell do."

"… You don't have any proof of that."

"Don't care."

Silence followed. Midget tapped for a drink – the bartended put a glass in his hands and poured alcoholic beverage in it.

"Why are _you_ here, Midget?"

"None of your damn business, Cadet Hunter. Can't a man drink alcohol in piece?"

"Where's Erwin? Where's Jack?"

At the mention of Jack, Midget lightly placed the cup down. _Jack_. It had to be Jack. Jack who hung out with Hanji at her laboratory, Jack who had asked for a go with Midget during training periods and had a clean-cut set of looks. Handsome, young, and dapper – with dark hair and dark eyes like a raven's. Jack was smart, Jack was cool, and he was rational, and of course, Midget would like a young soldier like him. Jack and Midget spent a lot of time together, when Erwin would play with Meg in private rooms to themselves, and Charlie didn't bother to think about what the two men talked about.

They were silent people at best. They were both men. They were both soldiers – and prodigies. They could be the glory of the people soon. Logic and a sense of duty made them both. Of course. How can they not get along?

"Lithgow is visiting his parents separately." A sip and that was where he seemed intent to leave it.

"Erwin?"

Midget's scowl became deeper.

"He's with Shadis, discussing issues about the squad, since Thatcher's dead." He took slow sips – almost deliberate, to dodge her questions. Slow and quick – he drank like he drank water, fluidly, like it was a drug he needed to be able to live. _Thatcher's dead. A whole council had to be summoned to confirm it, and they had to target Meg._

_Now that I do think about it,_ Charlie thought, _no one really mentioned who the council members were. They just called us and said it was pretty important. _

"Should we disband?" Charlie propped her question, moving her face closer to his. Impassively, his reaction was to push her away with his hand and scowl.

"Erwin doesn't want to – and he always gets his way, one way or another. Why, you want to disband? Go ahead and leave the squad."

"I wouldn't want to leave the squad," Charlie snapped. Midget had always frustrated her. She knew she was dealing with a man. A dangerous man. And a man would occasionally thirst for a woman. A woman to fuck. So far, he had never let his guard down. Did he thirst? If he ever thirsted for a woman, who would it be?

"Good for you, then, brat."

He went on drinking. There was something up with him. It was something _desperate._ Like an animal that was caged. Like a bird that wanted to fly. Like a wolf that wished to be able to howl.

"Is it true?"

"True that what?" He rolled his eyes at her interruption. The cup hovered between the air and his mouth.

"That Meg had anything to do with Thatcher's death?" Charlie had been stationed somewhere else. The fray had seen them separated. Erwin had been at the front – and they had all scattered in different directions. Levi had been with Meg at the time. The rumors circulated that Levi had gotten a few scars and Meg had come running to him, eager to support him. "They said that Meg manipulated Thatcher into dying."

"That's _**fucking**_ disgusting."

His hand shook slightly and he drank the beverage.

There had to be something.

But they knew.

They had seen her.

The words from the girl's mouth.

Her tears.

Broken.

"Now you're defending her? **Fuck** you!" The cup from Charlie's hands were gone. The glass broke and the shards crashed into a million pieces.

"FUCK YOU! Fuck you, Levi, to the deepest pit of hell where you belong! You're not and will never be worth the dirt in her shoes! Fuck you!" The words were fire, and Charlie lashed before she could begin thinking. _Damn_. The alcohol was too strong. She could feel the waves in her body tremble, her shoulder blades sliding twice as hard, twice as unruly as she was. The skin on her hand hit the table with amazing force and pairs of eyes devoured her with shock, but she did not wish to care. Let the world see this. Let the world condemn him and her.

They were all sinners.

"You're drunk." Midget wiped his hands. "Fuck me, huh?"

"FUCK YOU!" Charlie hissed. She pulled his cravat, her forehead ramming on the skin of his forehead. Her gray eyes against his small ones, so small it was hard to tell what the color of his eyes were. His eyes were dull, and sharp at the same time. Her hands didn't shake. They were hands that wanted to fight.

Callused fingers.

Large fingers.

"Didn't you want to do it yourself? You wanted to fuck _me_ and fuck _Erwin_, too." The reply was dim and dark – and Charlie spat in his face.

"What if I wanted to say I wanted to _fuck you_ right now?" Charlie let him go. He glared at her as he wiped the spit from his face.

"I don't want to fuck you," he snapped.

"Who would _you_ fuck, then?" Charlie yawned. "Everyone wants to fuck someone. Shadis wanted to get into Thatcher's pants. Oh, correction – he got into hers already. Mike's fucked plenty of men and women. Too many to count. Nile Dawk is fucking his wife. Jack wants some pretty noble lady to warm his bed and spread her legs for him." A delicious idea spurred her mouth to move. "_Ooh_ – _who _would Erwin want to fuck?"

Suddenly, she giggled hard. Suddenly, Midget's grip on his cup tightened.

"I don't have interest in such bullshit."

"King of denial!" Charlie whispered. "You know everyone wants someone. Really, you have the sex drive of an old man. Come on. You need a diet of pussy to live on, the way I need a cock inside of me to make me feel alive."

"You're disgusting." Let him say what he liked. Charlie did not give any shit. Fucking was fun, plain and unapologetic. When she wanted to, she just did it. The feel of skin on hers – it made her feel something.

"You're a man, aren't you? Don't you have _any_ sexual appetites?"

"No comment."

When Charlie looked at him again, he was leaving the bar. No doubt, he must have been disgusted. Good.

[-]

"Why did you not place Levi under your command, Commander Shadis?"

The day was dim, and the room was deserted. Papers were strewn over the long table, and the smell of what used to be Thatcher's perfume was fading in the air. Thatcher's death was a fresh new thing and loss was a new meaning for the squad. Notebooks were piled, and pens and inks were pored over. Thatcher's papers were to be given and shared among those she had deemed worthy enough to pore over them – Meg, Levi, Hanji, Shadis, Erwin, and possibly, even Jack as Charlie had her own things to think about.

"Levi has his own mind, and I'm sure he was a little thrown off by your pretty girlfriend's presence," Shadis replied, eye never leaving the page in the notebook he was reading. The candle light dimmed, but he still focused on the page. Erwin wanted to shrug – but he found himself unable to act as casual as he used to do. Everyday that came, it became harder and harder. Every day, there was Shadis who barked orders, and there was Levi to offer Erwin his service, honest to serve and ever loyal to any of Erwin's authority. Erwin trusted Levi – with his own life, with his own command. The man was reliable, and Erwin had never felt so strongly about a person until Levi had come along.

He would trust Levi with anything he held dear.

"Girlfriend? I am single, Commander."

Shadis snorted.

"I meant the lady with the dark dress that had a plunging neckline the day a council was called to investigate Caroline's death."

"She isn't my girlfriend."

"Then what is she to _you?_" The snip was enough to potentially threaten Erwin.

"We work closely together."

"A pretty and a gentle lady who smiles to your face, and behind your back, shoots arrows everyday and wields a politician's mind. Interesting choice of woman."

"She is not my woman."

She was not his woman. She would never be.

"You see her beauty, but not the iron underneath."

"I do see. She is silk hiding steel, Erwin. It would be good to keep her. Caroline would want that."

_Silk hiding steel._

"She always wanted that."

"She wanted the best for that girl." Shadis scowled.

More silence.

He could have had it all.

He could have done something during that mission.

He had made the decision.

He wanted it all.

"Politics is a game that is tricky to manipulate, Erwin. If you would take my place, you should remember that."

"I know. Caroline taught me well."

"Nonetheless, there are daggers at your back that threaten you as much as the ones in front of you. You need to manage politics. You need someone who can help you."

"And?"

"She's your best pick."

"I have no problem with that."

_And I never will_.

"Erwin, help me sort out this paperwork."

"No problem."

[-]

"How many died?" Blood. Sweat. Tears. How many more did a man have to lose? Shadis was the Commander, and he had placed his attacks with his own duty on the line. He walked as a dutiful man among men, and there was no questioning his decisions, even if he cared little for the opinion of the nobility.

Shadis frowned.

"How many _died_?" Erwin repeated. Without a word, Shadis took Erwin's shoulders and looked him in the eye. These eyes, Erwin thought to himself, taking in the weight of the dark circles growing every year under his eyes, the heavy shoulders, his rough manners and rigorous speeches, were eyes that had seen more than he had.

"Too many to mention."

"Everyone dies sooner or later."

Shadis sighed.

"Let the boy die. Let the man be born," the Commander recited. "Remember that, Smith."

[-]

"Have you seen Commander Shadis lately?" A tall youth with brown hair asked Erwin, as they were cleaning their 3DMG. The lad had messy cheek-length blond hair and light-colored eyes. Lanky, like a stick. Erwin was sure he had seen him before – he had been part of Meg's graduating class. Another person who was good enough to serve under Commander Shadis' personal squad.

"Of course, I have." Erwin frowned. "What's your name?"

"My name is Braun."

"Braun?"

The youth grinned.

"Call me Braun."

"My name is Smith. Erwin Smith."

[-]

Dear Meg,

A fellow needs someone to talk to. Sometimes, I think of the way you used to climb up the chairs at the library just to get the books on the high shelves when you just could have asked some handsome and tall soldier to get the books you wanted for yourself – but then you climbed up and insisted you were fine. Then after that, you ended up falling and having tons of books in your face. I think of the way you used to cook in our squad, and how you used to stay up light to talk about things.

Do you know I saw a girl with red hair today? I thought she looked like you – but her eyes were hazel, not blue, and she was like you because she was sweet and kind and warm and gentle.

She'll never be the way you are.

The pen aches in his hands.

It bleeds – but the festering does not want to be continued. So he stares at the words and shakes his head.

This letter won't do.

Not in a world where everyone wants to fight and rule the world.

[-]

_She lost her hairpins that night, you know._

_She told me that she lost them in her room._

_They were made of Sina-forged steel._

_You said that she lost her pins._

_You said that you thought she'd never lie._

_You didn't imagine that her hairpins weren't in her room. _

_You still saw her, didn't you? But you still treated her like you were friends._

[-]

"For a rookie, you're quite smart." Hanji laughed.

Jack pretended not to mind. Her compliments, he liked. Her messy hair, her passionate nature – he liked it. She acknowledged him, but she was his senior, she was older, and she was married to her job. She was his superior, his boss, in a way, even if he had already split his divisions into two – the Science Research Division and the Medical Division.

"I thought you were fascinated by the Titans themselves."

"No, ma'am."

"Huh?"

"I wanted to learn," Jack said. Blunt and quick- that was his way. "I thought the Medical Division needed me more. I considered becoming a doctor, and I'm checking if I could do that this way."

"So you'll definitely work with Squad Leader Vane."

"Vane?"

"The man with the blue eyes who Levi likes to talk to. The two of them are good as friends."

"Hmm, he seems soft."

"He's just a man who wants to nourish life for the sake of goodness itself."

"Tch."

[-]

"Lithgow, you're going to Shiganshina."

"This fast?" Jack was _suspicious_. Did Vane mislike him or something? Vane had let it slip Capet was his niece, and no doubt, had sized him up. It wasn't Jack's faults the other female volunteers were often sneaking peeks at him whenever he passed by the room. To amuse himself in breaks, Jack often had to play chess by himself until Levi or Vane himself would pass by and pick the chess pieces wordlessly.

For Wall Sina's sake, he had only been there for a _week_. A fucking _week_.

"There's been a plague in Shiganshina. You'll go with Dr. Grisha Jaeger. He'll tell what to do."

[-]

Grisha Yeager had brown hair, and dark eyes and he had a gentleman's appearance. When Jack had arrived in Shiganshina, he had looked hard enough – and had found the doctor, after asking.

"What's your name?"

"Jack Lithgow."

"Who sent you?"

"Keith Shadis."

[-]

"What's your name?"

Charlie had scowled at the two men in uniform taking seats near her. One had chin-length blond hair, and the other had short hair.

"Gelgar Raskoph."

"Not you. I was asking your friend."

Said youth widened his eyes.

"My name is Braun," he allowed.

"The name's Charlie."

"Charlie?"

"Yes. Charlie Hunter."

"Oh, so she's the slut."

"Gelgar!"

"Hey, I'm just sayin' the truth, Braun."

Charlie rolled her eyes.

"What if I'm the slut, Braun?" she challenged as she watched Gelgar order. Braun's eyes bored into hers.

"What if I don't care that you're a slut?"

Charlie snorted.

_Cheesy. Yech._

"Then that's fine, I guess."

"Slut or not, to me, you're Charlie Hunter."

"Think whatever you like. It's your freedom as a soldier to do that. Ask me to sleep with you, I don't care. We'll die anytime."

"You're honest, don't you know?"

"Me?" She thought it was a ruse. "Trust me, I'm not."

"It's my perception of you. You're open with me."

"That's because I'm an extravert."

"Extravert or not, I like your honesty."

"Well, you're naïve."

"And what does that make of you?"

"Worldly."

"Anything you'd like to get your boyfriend?" The bartender inquired, interrupting the conversation.

"I want mil-"

"No." Charlie cut him off.

"Get him vodka."

"Vodka?"

"Yes. My treat."

Misery loved company.

[-]

"I didn't think you would be friends with Braun."

"He's just a friend."

"Remember all those men you called _friends_ who you slept with?" Erwin tapped the table lightly. He didn't miss things. "Braun doesn't seem like the type of man you would go for."

"Braun was my classmate. Nothing more."

"But you're friends with him."

"He is yours."

Erwin closed his eyes.

"A fellow soldier."

"… What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Huh?"

"Nothing at all."

As he spoke, a redhead passed by, head set on another direction.

[-]

Dear Meg,

I've made some friends! I hope you're not too worried about me from your perch there. I want to see you soon, and let's say I've been busy. Erwin and Jack occasionally keep me company. Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself, are you?

I can't think of what to write, life is full of Titans and humans.

-Charlie

[-]

"What happened to your woman?"

"Her?"

_Her._

"You know, her. The girl with the red hair and the blue eyes who was pretty tiny. She was a nice thing."

Nile never looked any better.

"I thought you two would last as lovers."

"I didn't think you'd see us that way. We're just friends now."

"Why?"

"I thought it would be better for both of us."

"That's a pity."

Acidic. Acerbic.

"How is it so?"

Nile sipped from his coffee.

"I thought you two looked good together."

[-]

Who the fuck should I write to?

Damn it.

Dear Levi (haha, I know you're gonna enjoy this),

How is life? Still popping poop jokes? Ha. Take that. While you're picking new soldiers for your so-called badass elite squad, you might be wondering where the fuck I am. I'm sure you'd ask Hanji. After all, Hanji is my friend. You're my friend, you lucky bastard who got to see Mistress Meg naked twice.

Anyway, I'm in Shiganshina, working with a certain Dr. Grisha Jaeger. He's housing me. The man is married, and his wife's not bad to look at. Still can't hold a candle to Meg, but holds a candle to Charlie, that is. (Don't tell her that, I just think Charlie is kinda cute but Hanji and Meg are prettier.) Her name is Carla, and she mothers me. She tells me that Grisha is a kind man and what am I to do but believe her? When Grisha is sleeping, sometimes, the good woman and I talk.

By this rate, we've become good friends. Carla hopes to have more children with her husband, and she asks me if I've thought of marriage. I said that I was sweet on someone. Later that night, I thought if I really said the truth to her.

Maybe. Maybe not.

At this point, you might be the only person I am sweet on. Don't assume that I look at you that way. I just get so frustrated. Maybe I do need some release once in a while. Reminds me. Once I'm out of Shiganshina, let us get drinking and get laid. It's been a year since I told Charlie I'd get laid.

Look at Charlie – she's laid and she likes it.

Goddamnit.

-Jack

[-]

"Did you miss me?" Hanji asked, unable to curb her enthusiasm. The hot cup of coffee was not given its due attention. The worn eatery in Shiganshina captured her – the energy of the bustling population. The mosquitoes in dirty alleys. The cats running rampant, in the maze of this large city. And also – Jack Lithgow, one of her old squad mates. Jack Lithgow, once considered a sort of idol of sorts for the other soldiers, who was now in Shiganshina under Shadis' orders. Jack's skin was paler than ever, and he did look a little more mature, but nonetheless, grown more handsome with the months.

The pale skin of his collarbone, the white collar of his shirt, his clean vest and his coat laid on the table. The skin of his arm on her hand. The light on his ears and the smell of sickness and humanity resting on his eyes.

"You know I did."

"Good to know that."

"Did you get my letter?"

"The one you sent to Levi?"

"Yes."

Hanji laughed.

"What?"

"I read it – and it was funny."

Jack blushed slightly.

"But really? How _sweet_ are you on him?"

Jack shrugged.

"He and I are just friends."

"Do you swing that way?"

"NO!"

"Ohh…"

"Well, how about _you_?"

"Me?"

"What have you been up to, since I left? Shadis ordering you around? Or you do miss Thatcher? Is Charlie still sleeping around? Is Erwin getting busier and busier? Is Levi taking care of himself?"

Jack had outdone himself, Hanji thought. He was good at predicting things. He could sense them but he relied on his own thinking to get himself out and safe.

"I missed Thatcher. I missed you. I missed Charlie's horrible jokes. And Levi, too. Shadis, not too much." Jack's lips twisted. "I'd rather see Thatcher or Erwin become the Commander. Shadis is too fucking angsty. Shadis is too traditional. I hate it."

"You do realize," Hanji murmured, " that Shadis is doing his job."

Jack's gaze cut through her.

"And is that all?"

"You mislike him." Hanji gnawed on a fingernail. "Do you have any idea what Shadis is undergoing right now?"

"He's a boss. He likes bossing people around – on what tradition dictates."

"Jack. Have you ever been in love?"

"No."

"Have you ever seen the way that Shadis looked and talked about Thatcher?"

"Huh?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Me?"

He did not get it.

"You've never been in love, to have a bleeding heart in a dangerous time, in a time of war. In our time, we don't have fairy tales. What we have is a life that is temporary, that pain is inevitable and what do we do? We weather the tides."

"How about you?"

Hanji blinked.

"You're my _underling_. You're not supposed to ask questions like that."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Let the boy die. Let the man be born. That's what they say in the military."

[-]

"Have you ever loved a woman, Erwin?"

"Sir?"

"I was asking you a question." Shadis did not cross his eyes. Nor did he look away. His gaze was heavy and clear, and he knew what he wanted. Erwin knew better than to avoid the Commander's gaze. He was at the Commander's mercy, after all. In Shadis' hand was a flask of alcohol – it smelled oddly like the same type of alcohol that Thatcher used to consume when she felt like drinking. Shadis smelled slightly of blood – and dead roses.

"I was listening."

"Good. Then answer my question. Have you ever loved a woman, Erwin Smith?"

"Answer me!"

"I have."

"Do you know what it is like to lose her?"

"How exactly, _lose_? Dead or alive?"

"Both."

He had to be honest. There was little point in fooling Shadis. Shadis was a simple man, after all. A simple man he was, but he was a man who took to things the way they were supposed to be. He sensed things, and ideas were of a rather lesser concern to him.

"I've lost a woman in my life. I almost made a mistake with it."

"Why didn't you keep her if you loved her?"

"That's because… I wanted other things. More than her."

"You were the same."

[-]

Hey Erwin,

I'm in Shiganshina? Is Shadis killing you slowly? You're so busy the only one left I have to write to is Levi. And you know how Levi is. Seriously.

-Jack

Jack,

Shadis has made me his personal aide. I am at his beck and call almost everyday. It's mostly work.

-Erwin

Erwin,

DO. YOU. NOT. HAVE. A LIFE?

-Jack

P.S. I don't have a life either, besides work.

[-]

Let the boy die.  
Let the man be born.

That was what they said in the military.

[-]

"You're a soldier, aren't you?"

Jack glanced from his shoulder to throw Grisha a glance.

"I am," Jack admitted. He had always detested useless melodrama.

"What specific regiment?"

"Why are you even asking? If you're asking, I come from the Scouting Legion. Commander Shadis sent me here."

"Ah. I see now." Grisha smiled fondly. "He did warn me you would come. He talked about you. A dark-haired man with dapper looks, and a mind made for intelligence."

[-]

When he dropped the first silverware set he ever bought, he found himself looking at the scattered piece of glass and porcelain. It was flimsy – and as soft as it was, it was breakable. Pretty to look at, but not durable, not able to adapt. His fingers had touched it, feeling the glass that hardened and melded its shape. His thumb and index finger clung to the lifeless piece of pottery, his eyes slits as he tried to figure this thing out. Royals used this – why not pour tea and drink from it?

He took a sip. This life was certainly a paradox in its own respects. He still remembered it all – the mosquitoes and the bites, the reddish marks that itched and clawed under his skin, the deadly poison into his bloodstream angrily leaking. What had he looked up to? The upper life, a life from the poverty and the dead darkness that had hovered above his head, the presence of those thugs who wanted his head on a spike. He had wanted to be safe and sound, that security, the protection he wanted so much was a protection he could have offered to some lucky wench who wanted to push herself on him. He could have been that man.

He could have been in the high rise of the social strata. If that had been, then would he still be the man he was now? Erwin had made him a soldier with a cause – and the ghosts haunted the back of his mind.

Would he still –

The handle of the cup snapped. The porcelain exploded, small fire in the electricity that crackled through the details and the shape of the cup.

Levi did not want to say anything.

This was…

Unforgivable.

His reverie was interrupted, his train of thought perturbed by the penetration of a plain piece of pottery's explosion.

Fragile and beautiful.

Things he knew.

A woman he could know.

Memories.

His fingertips gave in to the coldness that shrouded his mind. Like a sunburn, the mark had not come off. He had not thought in long runs – he had never even tried.

Needless to say, this was traumatizing.

[-]

The sunlight came, and golden shines lingered in the red locks that were tied up. Loosening hair strands and blue eyes that stared, meeting dark ones. In the darkness, the sudden sight of the light almost made her unnerved.

"Do you know why I put you in my squad, Capet?"

"That's because Caroline trusted you. She would trust you – or Erwin – to look after me."

"Wrong answer. You're not always right, you know." Shadis scowled. "That's why you were on temporary hiatus, just missions, no real expedition for the time being until I say so. You're still a work in progress – like Erwin is. You two are a team and you two need each other like the sun and moon need each other."

His gaze bored through her. In her uniform, she felt oddly conscious.

"He needs you. You need him. You two are good with dealing with the higher-ups. I heard about your little trial." Meg noted there was a rather distasteful aroma with which he spoke the sentence. He could easily have seen through it all. No one had been allowed to speak. The memory made her skin burn, and her eyes water at the thought.

"My hands are stained," Meg replied curtly. "I don't want your pity. I don't want your judgement."

"My, my. What happened to you?"

"Nothing."

Lies.

"It's not like you to release your tears. Caroline told me you were an emotional one. What's happened to the girl who dreamed of romance?"

"She's dead," Meg snapped.

"Then who is the girl in front of me?"

Meg raised her chin and cupped her hands.

"I just don't want to cry no more. I don't want to die a little more everyday – I want to pull myself from harm."

[-]

"Are you sure you're fine?"

Meg looked up – and saw blond hair and blue eyes and a hand on top of her hand.

"Define _fine_," she replied, wiping her face.

"You look unwell."

Meg bit her lip.

"I can deal with it."

"You look blank. You're not being yourself."

"I'm trying to adapt. Shadis' squad isn't exactly the best place for a soldier like I am. You know me, Erwin Smith."

"You can do it."

"R-Really?"

"Remember, that this is a chessboard. I'm the king. You're the queen – and Levi is the knight. I'll always be here to help you."

For a moment, Meg could have sworn that during that moment, she felt something jolt in the air. Her cheeks reddened, and the eye contact so intense it felt almost so _wonderful_, that she was almost _floating_. It was something so similar in the air – the air when Levi had jumped in to push the lecherous minstrel away from. Somehow, it reminded her of that.

"That's better."

"Huh?"

"You're smiling. It's nice."

[-]

When he left the room, Meg buried her face in a book.

What was this feeling?

[-]

"What's your major malfunction, Capet?!"

Squad Shadis was cleaning their apartment, when Meg had fallen from cleaning the library shelves, landing on her face.

"I slipped –"

"And I saved her," came Erwin's voice.

* * *

"Don't you mind it's always you and me being stuck together?"

It was night – and they were in Erwin's room, playing chess again.

"Mind it?"

"Yeah."

"I don't. In fact, I like it."

* * *

"Capet!"

"W-What is it, sir?"

"Stick to Smith at all times! I can't have your ass getting suicidal on us all the time!"

* * *

"Capet!"

"What is it, sir?"

"You're in charge of the Correspondences from now on."

"What else, sir?"

"Take care of Smith for me. Also, you're on your own."

On your own.

* * *

"How is it taking care of Correspondence?"

"It's keeping me busy, but makes me sentimental. All these letters - they have someone they love."

"And you don't?"

"I can tell you so little, Erwin." She laughed bitterly. "No one will ever marry me for love. No one will kiss me for love. No one at all. How many rape attempts are going to change that fact?"

* * *

**Notes:** I'm so sorry this is so late, I'm having my sixth final exam tomorrow and after two, I'm free for a month! 3 Thanks for the reviews and support! We finally have Grisha's debut. A few more canons will be making more appearances in the next chapters to follow. I have to fill the gaps with the years passing. Also, the brackets in the last section represent the time period. Baby Meg is growing up. :3

**PSA:** The last breaks have timeskips.


	8. Power and Control

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Chapter 8:** Power and Control

**Summary:** Give a little, get a lot. Meg thinks on correspondence of behalf of being a soldier.

* * *

"Correspondence?"

Charlie almost barfed the chicken sandwich she was stuffing in her mouth.

"I'm good with communicating," Meg chirped back. "I've been writing reports with Erwin – and well, although Shadis is hard on me, I think I can do it."

"Speaking of correspondence, haven't you heard anything from Jack and Levi?"

Meg's fork hit the wooden surface of the table.

Levi wouldn't send her a letter. Levi wouldn't bother to think of her. She had never asked him for a word, not even a letter. Of course, she mentally reasoned to herself, he would not bother thinking of her. She had been the idiot who had tried to sleep on his bed, and had carried him out of the fray, with a dead captain in tow. She had been the mindless girl he had sparred with, stars in eyes and dreaming of nothing. She had seen the man – but not the iron underneath. The name sent shivers down her spine – of the memory of a cold night, the slash of a knife and a kiss.

"Levi would never have an excuse to write to me," Meg stated. "He hates me. I think he does. We're at the opposite ends of the spectrum."

"Levi is a lone wolf, so that's a bit understandable he wouldn't write to anyone – except Erwin, I guess," Charlie huffed. "The two of them are sworn brothers. Jack, he'd write to, also, but I thought he'd write to you, too."

"Write to _me_?"

Charlie rubbed one eye. "You two were sneaking around during that mission in the capital during the night. You two always occupied the common room in the nighttime. But then, anyway, turns out, Jack has been sending letters. Still makes me laugh he doesn't bother writing letters to you."

"Jack doesn't like me."

"..That's so _sad_."

"That is _not_ sad! Just because the only male I see 24/7 days a week is Erwin Smith doesn't mean I'm sad he is the only guy I hang out with."

"**_Cockblock_**."

"What – I mean, um, he is not cockblock."

"He _is_ cockblock."

"Erwin Smith is not cockblock. I told you already, I'm putting my career ahead of my love life. I don't even own a sex life. Unlike you."

"Seriously. I can't even get Mike to hook up with you because he's terrified of what Erwin will do to him."

"Can I sit with you two?"

Meg threw a glance – and she quickly noticed the face that accompanied the voice. Braun, she realized, Braun, who Erwin and Charlie often talked to in the expeditions, in the campfire, while Meg preferred sleeping inside the tent. Blond hair and eyes that often flickered to Charlie – he was dead set on her.

"Yes."

"-Or possibly, you're developing this _**thing**_ for Erwin," Charlie's words ran on like a pile of poop stench hitting the air. "A crazy little thing called _**love**_."

"I don't love Erwin that way," Meg grumbled, avoiding the eye contact. She rolled her eyes. Her? Him? She couldn't – But then, it was an idea making itself known so suddenly. Her mind retreated into its own memories. The recollection of the sharing of the same bed, the times they had taken baths together, all under the moon, those times playing chess and talking of small things. Hmmm. How did one do with romance in the military? She was _seventeen_ now, she thought on, seventeen and had bled already. Seventeen and awkward and starting to sprout curves and a better chest size.

Charlie had filled out her curves rather nicely.

The problem… What was even the problem with her? She _liked_ him – how he smelled, how he came to her in the afternoons, how they prodded each other in chess and talked of politics and games. She loved it when he came running to her to have his new wound healed, or when he walked with her.

"Leave it at that? You know, you could just seduce him," Charlie huffed. "I think he'd like it a lot if you walked in naked in your next chess game."

"Charlie," Braun snorted, "you just can't go telling people to fuck."

"Well, I told you to do the same. What do I get? You don't jump on anyone. I'm so disappointed in you, my sweet little young caterpillar." The two were staring at each other so intensely Meg giggled. Braun's demeanor _changed_, she observed, as he looked at Charlie. He held onto Charlie, those eyes, taking that piece of Charlie.

[-]

"Braun's in love with the slut," Meg heard one of the officers stationed at the workspace adjacent to the Correspondence Division office whisper. It was a man with dark hair, and a beard. Alongside him, was a tall blonde woman.

"You mean, Hunter, Dita?" "I guess so, Nanaba."

"Gelgar got a new girlfriend!"

"Did you hear? Mike's gotten a bastard in every town that the Survey Corps has been housed in! It doesn't help his nose can smell brothels, tho!"

All the noise scrunched up Meg's skin. All this useless gossip.

[-]

"Haven't you gotten anything from Levi?"

Erwin was visiting her occasionally, as a member of the Correspondence Division. Stacks of papers emitting dust that spilled on the surfaces of paper.

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Why would I get anything from him? He detests me. I know he does. He saved me because it was his job." Meg shrugged.

"I didn't think so."

"Oh. So what do you think? Why would he send me something?"

"I thought he liked you."

_What the hell?_

_I like _you, Meg thought, watching his mouth move_._

"He doesn't have anyone left, you know – I had this feeling he developed an attachment to you. Maybe it's the resemblance." Erwin chuckled. "I'm the only one he has left."

_Why me?_

"I wouldn't take him at face value alone," Meg heard herself say. "I didn't expect him to take me like that." She blushed coolly, fanning her face in the heat of the gathering black. "And no, I don't think he likes me. I don't see it that way. He would never see me that way. I'm an idiot, am I? Of course he sees me like that, that I think like a lady and act too nice and fret over domestic chores and stuff. Of course." She closed her eyes.

"Tired?"

"Nope." She held up the piece of parchment.

"Who's that from?"

"I've gotten mail from the royal family, some Houses and a few people who sponsor the expedition. The death tolls are rising and it's not making _**them**_ happy. A couple of sponsors left," Meg explained. "I had to take some notes, and the royal family isn't doing anything that much so I thought eventually I would go to the capital myself. Shadis left me in charge – because Thatcher controlled the Correspondence Division."

"Go to the capital by yourself? I'll go with you."

"We need more sponsors, don't we? I could make it happen – and I want it to be a reality. Erwin, I've seen what happens in the battlefield. I didn't say I would be going to the capital with you, you know."

"I'm going with you."

"You're not part of the Correspondence Division," Meg replied. "Why do you think you have to go with me? I'm in charge of this division, not you. I can have someone else accompany me. No one will bother looking at me there." As if the rape attempts weren't that obvious. Did he even have an idea of what happened the last time they had gone to the capital? They would not suspect a thing from her. After all, she would hold her own.

"I promised you I'd be by your side, the way you're always at mine. I'm not risking losing you. I don't want to suffer more losses – especially yours, since you have so much to fight for."

"You're the one making the decisions for me, not me," Meg pointed out. "I want to be able to decide for myself, too. And I've decided to go to the capital by myself. I will look respectable."

"I can make you look respectable."

"It's _my_ choice to make." The strings in her head spun. If he would be seen with her – Ohh! Meg's heart skipped a beat. _Then Erwin possibly could have a reason for pulling the political strings with her._ _He's always wanted to be in control. Even back then. He could get anything done – it would be a good probability rate to set his sight on being Commander. Commander Erwin Smith._

The pause was pregnable, a mountain.

"Respectable or not, I need an identity as a soldier. Not just your lackey. I may stick to you and be by your side, but first and foremost, I'm my own person. If people will continue seeing me as yours, then I won't be successful in my own career as a soldier." _I will build an empire_, she remembered, that snow day.

"You have a point, but your safety is of a priority concern to me. I've heard what happened last time we went there – you almost got raped. I'm not letting it happen again."

Their voices were rising, and the tension was not ready to be cleared. She could read something underneath the wordless movements he projected, her own sentimentality, his own determination clawing at her.

"You two, too?"

The creak of a door – and a shadow of sandy hair – and the tension was finally smoothed by the presence of a ruddy-faced Charlie Hunter, her button-down shirt loose, showing a lot of skin more than what was intended. Her face was so red it was the color of wine and her ears were burning fire.

"Cadet Hunter, can you please button your shirt?" Erwin's voice gave away his irritation.

"You two were yelling! I was about to reach my org –" Charlie coughed and shrugged. "Anyway, I was trying to sleep and you two were hurting my ears. I didn't imagine you two would be yelling at each other, too."

"It's none of your business, Hunter, so go to your barrack and sleep," Erwin declared.

"You two. Arguing. Like an old married couple. Figures," Charlie sniffed and left abruptly. She glared at Erwin and spat, the saliva from her tongue landing on the floor.

"Does Shadis even know you want to go with me?"

"He'll let me, Meg. He will. He knows so little about politics… unlike the way you and me know how to do."

_You and me_.

His teeth ground and the wind was suddenly felt in their skin.

_The chessboard. The mazes._

"I'll talk to Shadis tomorrow."

"Have it arranged, then." As he spoke, his tone was gruff and his gaze was no longer warm. Where the friend had left, someone else had replaced it. Someone who was desiring control, someone who wanted to take the fire and make it his with hers. Suddenly, this scene seemed so familiar – he reminded her of her father, when her father was not moony-headed, when he was straight in thinking and he counted money. The smell of vinyl filling the air, the scent of his power sticking to him like how bees clung to honey. His chin lifted, his eyes steely and he oozed with the confidence of a winner, because he knew what he wanted and he was getting it. He had the ability to control and play things in a game – and he would not stop until all was his.

"I will!"

For the first time, he said nothing to her.

_He was angry at me,_ she thought later, as she looked into the mirror. Raising her undershirt, her stomach was flat – and her shoulder had a pale moon-shaped crescent paling. The cut on her arm, the scar on her shoulder accentuated by the locks of fire framing her face, a face that was pleasant to look at but not really that beautiful. The bruises on her arms from training, the dark bruise under her eye earlier from training, and the soft curve of her mouth.

_What does Erwin really think of me? Does he really like me as me? Or just see me as a pawn?_

Wide awake in bed, she found herself restless once again. The kitchen was sought and a solitary game of chess commenced. When she tried to close her eyes, sleep would seep- and then visions slithered.

Mazes.

Blood.

Corpses.

She would wake up hot and sweaty and terrified – and turning to solitary chess games for comfort.

Only thing missing was the smell of dried metal – and tea.

It smelled like _him_.

[-]

"Why do you like sex so much?"

Charlie was up early; her hair was messy as usual. Her eyes were warm and she faced the question. Her knees were firm, and she took a bite of the salt bread. Her face dimpled as she chewed on the muddled piece of loaf. A smile curved her face.

"Are you really asking?"

"Of course, I am," Meg replied. "I haven't been doing anything. No sex at all. I'm surrounded by paperwork and books all day. You, you can manage sex and being a soldier at all. Why do you really love sex? I'm curious."

"Should I mention details?" Charlie giggled.

"Please do."

"Hmmm… I like it because it's _simple_. You touch, you feel someone else's skin on yours. You don't have to explain anything – and it feels _good_ you know." She blushed as she spoke. "At first, I wanted to try it because I wanted to lose it before I hit twenty. The first time wasn't awkward, but rather, I thought I liked it so why not do it more? I felt confident every time I did it with someone, when I dominated over someone in the bed."

"Didn't it hurt?"

"It hurt – but I loved that pain. With it came plenty of pleasure. It's physical, and I love the simulation I get from sex."

"Doesn't it bother you doing it with someone you're not emotionally attached to?"

"I really can't care less. But, it helps. Sex helps when I'm sad. I'm not alone – and I'm scared of being alone. If I had no one in my bed, then I would not be warm."

"You know, when you're sad, you can come to _me_. I'm your best friend. Please. Tell me your problems and I'll give you what you need."

"That's the _**problem**_," Charlie choked out. Her voice strained. "I'm always being so clingy to you, and it's a fucking disgusting thing."

"It's not," Meg assured her. "We're both soldiers, aren't we?"

"We are, but we're both women. You don't know a woman's libido. You've never had these urges to go bed someone. I can tell though, that there will be men who will want to touch you." Charlie grunted. "If you only did it with someone, then you would understand why."

"I'd rather do it… with someone before I go home."

"Then go screw someone!" A laugh imploded the room. "Isn't that such an easy thing to do?"

"Unfortunately, I'm desperate."

"Desperate?"

"Desperately need of a distraction. I can't fall asleep. My mind keeps me awake." _And memories do._

"Go have a fling with Erwin."

"… That's not good. He got angry at me last night. I like him a lot, but there's something in Erwin that I'm trying to fathom. I think he's becoming less of the Erwin I know."

[-]

"I am asking your permission, sir," Meg explained, "to leave the base and go to the capital to appeal to the smallfolk and the nobles and the royal family about the cause of the Scouting Legion. I will deal with the public relations from this point on as some sponsors have already dropped our cause."

Shadis nodded on. "How would you exactly fucking do that?"

"I would project an image of course and convince them to support our cause. I would interact with the public and the nobles because that is what politics is. Thatcher trained me in these things, and I know how to handle political games. You'd feel much safer if I was the one who would convince and play with the government." As she spoke, there was little rush of blood to the head, no wind in her ears that voiced her silence. What was once was silent was now moving, for what once used to be tiny was now larger. As she spoke, her words were laced with politeness. _Kind and gracious, the way a lady is._ Her hands were curled in her lap, her posture straight as a ramrod.

"What if…"

"What if what _**exactly**_, Commander?" She flashed a smile. Every note perfect. Every smile genuine, the light in her eyes, the warmth she exuded.

"What if this demands from you something that violates you?"

"Don't worry. It's nothing, really." The room had little sound, and then, was there the flutter of a heart? The nervousness didn't emit from her skin, nor the way of a woman who knew little of the world. She supposed, maybe that she did learn. "I will go to the capital on my own terms, and I'll make them fall for me."

She smiled.

"You can trust me, I will not let you down, Commander." Just like as her predecessor had always wanted it to be. Soon, she knew, she would take off the uniform, the heart inside her skin a hollow blaze, and the room cold, looking for that breath of life, where she had tucked her own aspirations away. She would slip into a new skin, and go where the size didn't matter. "What matters isn't me. It's the _cause_ itself."

"Fine. Pull the strings." His glance was far away. The light in his eye only grew more dim, ad the tension in his fingers remained. For a moment, there was that solitary smile that played and pulled in the lines of his mouth.

But there was none as she walked the more, the footsteps becoming less audible, the room becoming colder and colder and emptier and until Shadis was looking at her like he was a man seeing the sun for the first time.

[-]

"_Why should a girl see blood and collapse?"_

_She laughed. The skin on her face was wet, the fire of her hair falling from where she had tied her hair up. The white apron she had over her military uniform was dripping._

"_Why not?"_

"_You're every bit a lady. It can be a little off-putting with you. It's hard to read you. You're surrounded by blood, you're a brat."_

"_Actually, girls see more blood than boys."_

"_Then not all girls are like you."_

[-]

The braid on her head, the strands falling from her parted red fringe, the texture and feeling of the low-necked red dress didn't make her nervous. Without Erwin, she had slipped off the military uniform and braided her hair with fingers that trembled, and fixed herself. When looking in front of the mirror, she saw someone else – and she would be taking that shadow of herself with her in the capital. The red dress was something comfortable – but it didn't hide the feeling that itched her belly when she realized how much skin she was bearing. _You are a lady_, she told herself, _and you must make them love you. You are a lady and you always have to be sure you are loved._ The kohl lining her faces made her eyes water but she managed to twitch.

It seemed like her arrival at the capital was perfect. According to the calendar that her brother had sent her, most of the power players of the politics here in Sina were stationed here, since King Fritz was going to host balls. With almost no guard, Meg was sure she needed some space all to herself. She had chosen this route and she would stick to it; there was no choice but to do what was expected. Sure, no one had come with her, but dropping some lines to her brother did some good.

This was a thing. When all eyes would be on her, when she would be looked up to. And all this time, she hadn't predicted that she would take up this helm and cause. It amused her to reflect back on her old memories, that one day, she would take up a nice cause and sacrifice her own potentials for the sake of fighting for a decent thing that would one day change the world. She didn't expect dealing with politics, or talking to men, eye-to-eye levels with them, or getting raped. The monsters had won, but she would have to keep on fighting, because the bravado allowed her to put on a show.

"Who do you wish to talk to?" The guards stole looks at her, inspecting every detail. From the minute line of her face, to the low-necked dress she wore, the shawl on her shoulders. _They see the woman and her body, but not the steel underneath_.

"I'm a representative of the Survey Corps branch of the military, and I want to talk to the king and the nobles. I am Lady Margaret Capet, head of the Correspondence Division and I need to speak to the king. " At that, they let her in.

At the Great Hall, the people were gathered. There were ladies bedecked in golds, gems hanging from their necks, shining brighter than the copper in Meg's own head when there was light. They stole looks at her – from her gait. More dominant than the women, the men were scattered. Guards positioned at where the throne slept. Every one of them – their Houses – she could name them. From the wood in their hair, to the corruption to the Military Police that seeped their skin, there were the Abellards. They whose words were "Loyal and gracious." The Reiss, who were a minority in spite of their own status, were there. Lord Reiss eyed her intently, as if she had no clothes on, his stature thin and aged, and for a moment, she almost remembered her brother. The Reiss House lord was accompanied by a dark-haired beauty, Frida, the eldest daughter, who smiled.

Meg beamed at them all.

What would the ladies know of what she had seen? She had seen blood spilled – she had seen men die in battle. She had seen her own squad leader fall into battle, an invalid. The wound was still nursing. She would know better than to trust them all.

"Who are you and what have you come here for?"

From his throne, the king looked up at her. _Heavy is the head that wears a crown_, thought the redhead. She stood in front of the doorway. No matter how long was the distance between them, he would still pierce her gaze. His gaze was not light; she felt her shoulder blades pull in double time. She took in an intake of air, and _breathed. _

"I am Margaret Capet of House Capet, and I've come here for a reason." As she said her words, she beamed. The fluttering of her heart was no longer there. The nervousness was suddenly vanquished. This was for her cause. This was for the Scouting Legion. She had a _vision_ and she wanted it to be real. "I am here to represent House Capet, my lord," she added, lowering her head and curtsying.

The crowd suddenly burst in noise. Ladies opened their mouths. Men eyed her. Some smiled. Others squinted their eyes and peered at her.

"I stand here in front of you all to represent House Capet…" She lifted her chin and started walking. Every hand motion perfect, every word said carefully. "… and talk of a matter with you. I have an offer for you, my lord."

The women's whispers grew louder.

"A pretty young heiress making an offer to me?" The king snorted. "I'll take up on the offer, then. No one should turn a pretty girl's offer down."

"This offer is in the best interest of everyone," Meg declared. "I believe that everyone of us should contribute to the benefit of society, and this is a good way to start."

The noise went dead.

"Go on."

"One of the major problems that harm our society today is the threat of Titans. To defeat the Titans, there are soldiers, who embody the government. The government's role is to resolve conflict, maintain stability – and to maintain stability, the government hires the military. The branch of military who fights the Titans is the Scouting Legion."

A few girls widened their eyes. Men stopped talking and stared her. The stare of the king suddenly felt heavier.

"I want to offer a betrothal in exchange of funding for the Scouting Legion. To eradicate the Titans would mean _**one less**_ problem for the government to handle. It is one less reason for the public to be scared of achieving self-actualization! It means society can benefit as a whole and I assure, all of you, would benefit!"

Some murmurs.

"A member of your House, for funding?"

"Of course. Name any member – and I'll accept it as long as every single House will donate and contribute to my cause. This cause is noble – and I choose to champion this cause because as you all know, I left noble life to help society as a soldier. I now implore all of you to help me weather this cause."

She fixed her gaze on the crowd. "I will stay here, until every single House will pledge funding for my cause."

The king's eyes wavered to her.

"Let me think on it."

Meg lowered her head and curtsied.

"Think on it wisely."

[-]

Charlie missed her. The smile, the way her hair shone – she missed red hair and blue eyes and a lady's manners. Nothing quelled it – it bled.

Laying on the bed, she felt Braun's fingers rubbing her shoulder. His fingers were so _long_ and so _nimble_. It almost reminded her of Meg and her lady's manners. He smelled of sweat and dried blood, of a soldier's activities – and tea. The blanket hung over her head, and she buried her head into the pillow.

"Don't you like relationships?"

"Just physical ones," Charlie grumbled.

"Ohh."

"Why, have a problem with that?"

"N-Nothing."

"Good." Charlie raised one brow at him. "Braun, haven't you ever been with a woman?"

"N-No."

"Poor you." Charlie smelled it in his breath. The man was sweating, and fumbling. He didn't shake, but he was oddly unnerved by it all. The booze, the wine, her.

"If you want to me, I'll do it!"

"Oh-kay."

"But first, I want to talk. Talk a little more." He inhaled and exhaled. Wasn't he so _cute?_ Charlie smiled.

"Fine. We talk, and then you take me."

"Okay.." His hand reached for hers underneath the blanket. "Why don't you like relationships?"

"Ah…"

Charlie bit her lip.

The memories flooded in her head. Suddenly, she saw a man's back turn on her. Suddenly, she heard the screaming. The crying. The pain.

"..Are you-"

"Nah. I'll answer it," Charlie cried out fiercely. Of course. She had to. "I was the only eldest girl among boys. My father left my mother when he became a soldier. He…"

"He what?"

"He.."

Tears.

"He left us when he became a soldier. I had to scrape tooth and nail. He walked out on my mother and my brothers, and my mother would die from hunger. I became a soldier to find my father and when.."

Sobs.

"Go on."

"W-When I tried to find his name in the roster, his name was not there." He squeezed her hand and let her cry and cry.

When the crying was over, he wiped the tears.

"And you know what I learned?"

"What?"

"I learned that he transferred divisions. Now, he's either in the Garrison or the Military Police."

"Charlie."

"What now?"

"I don't think we should sleep together now."

[-]

Lady Capet was lovely. She was as pretty as a Madonna from a painting. Her skin was ivory, her hair fire and her countenance made of soft stuff but when she spoke, it was silk hiding steel. And Frida knew when she saw silk hiding steel. The rumples in her red dress didn't hide the glow on her face, the eyes of a girl who knew more than what was laid in front of her. When they played chess, her eyes were focused.

In a matter of thirty moves, Frida knew she was losing.

"You're so good at chess," Frida attempted. It was a lady's duty to entertain with pleasant conversation.

"Thank you."

"When did you start playing?"

"I started playing when I was seven, my lady." Meg smiled. "I didn't take it seriously… until I turned fifteen and I played it seriously."

"So, have you never lost?"

"I've loved… and I've lost."

Her look suddenly became grim.

Frida kept her mouth shut after that.

[-]

Dear Charlie,

As of now, I'm writing from the capital. I've made to do something for our cause. I'm offering what I can in order to get more funding from the nobility.

Even my own hand.

-Meg

Dear Meg,

Are you stupid? You've given up your own freedom to choose who will you marry? That's seriously BONKERZ!

-Charlie

[-]

When she fell asleep, there was darkness – and she let the darkness consume her. She learned to enjoy it. The black flicks, the wind, the ever-constant presence of foreboding and cautiousness. There wasn't much time, and soldiers were dying all the time. If she couldn't make sacrifices, then what kind of a woman was she to let the cycle go on and on? Power wasn't a thing she was interested in. She just wanted to use the plan to create something worth fighting for.

At least, that was what she thought.

Outside, when it rained, she worried. She worried about Erwin, about Jack, if Charlie was risking her neck and nail to get things done. Sometimes, she dozed off, after ideas popped into her head. If it was sunny, she rode out and gave bread and coins to the beggars because they were human and they needed it.

It seemed like Fritz was taking his time.

Perhaps Erwin wouldn't come for her. Perhaps… But then, if it was Erwin she couldn't understand, then who else could she understand? To love someone was to understand something about them. What was wrong with loving someone when out there was always a constant mass of war? It meant lives were on the run and there was a high chance of dying and of course, you didn't know if the day you had would be your last. How much did she know of him?

She had seen him as a friend, but now… Did she know? Or not?

He had gotten angry at her, and it terrified her. What if she died here? She wasn't a fool to come here thinking she wasn't risking anything. She was risking her own relationship status to get this thing done!

Wait… Would that be enough to get him to notice her?

To make things worse, there were maids who were playing kissing games, and come to think of it, they had been asking Meg about kissing. Occasionally, her mind wandered. Was the kiss actually real?

Well, screw Levi, then. If he had actually _kissed_ her, then.. She wouldn't mind it at all. But what if..?

_My brain is tired and fried._ When was the king going to decide on it? She hoped it wouldn't be her who would marry.

_This is hell._

_Hell isn't afterlife._ This was hell – the world she was living in right now. A girl in a low-necked red dress, her red hair aflame, her face numbed by the warmth of her smiles, her veins hot and the fire springing inside.

"Lady Capet."

"I know."

[-]

"I've thought of your offer, my lady. I am honoured by it."

"So am I, my lord. I should be the one who is humbled," Meg replied. "So, who did you choose? Me or my brother?" The sweat poured from her forehead, and she swapped at it, the smile on her face ever-remaining.

"I've made my cards."

"Well, let me hear it, so I can know and send word to my House to prepare for the official betrothal."

The king smiled back at her.

"You look like as if you've seen a ghost."

"I'm not!" The laugh came, casually. "Truly, my lord, I do not believe in the afterlife. I do not like to think of hell as a state of the afterlife." She bit at her lip. "To me, hell is life itself. Well, I want an answer."

"I chose you."

"Why me? You flatter me." She feigned ignorance, and her eyes widened. _Well, me. Of course, it has to be me._

"You're young and beautiful, my dear. Young enough to be wedded and bedded and bear children of your own."

"I am afraid you've made the wrong decision."

"Why is that?"

The color in her cheeks must have given her away. Was it the blush? She shivered, she paled, and yet, she stood, the sky outside still and awaiting her approval.

"That's because I am a poor choice."

"How are _you_ a poor choice? Explain to me this. My eldest son liked the look of you. He said you looked like a fine woman to wed and bed."

If only.

If only she could pull out her bow and arrows. If only she could get into her old uniform. The stares men gave her made her ache to be in uniform. No matter how much a man looked at you, would it be certain he would like you for being you?

"I'll die eventually," Meg murmured. "I am a soldier. I serve the Scouting Legion and I am at war at most times, my lord. The stress and trauma from my occupation doesn't help my state. I am bleeding, but I can't…" How did one even explain this? The mental stress of being a soldier and undernourishment certainly circumvented her from menstruating – she had figured that much from the medical textbooks her uncle had let her read. "I'm not menstruating enough, and I'm not fertile."

"Too bad."

Meg let the smile drop. In its place was a placid eye-stare, squinted. The calm blue becoming an azure storm, hitting its target.

"I considered your brother. Your brother… and my daughter."

"My brother," Meg allowed herself to say. "My brother for funds. Is it a fair deal?"

"Fair enough."

"Very well, then. I will take my leave –"

"Wait, my lady."

"What is it?"

"Do you understand the game you're playing, little lady?"

"I do," she replied, ever gracious. There was little patience with people sometimes. "I came here as a lady, and my work is done, I suppose. I will send word to my brother. Does it fare well with you, my lord, at this rate?"

"Of course."

"The betrothal… I want it to be done by next week, if you please. My brother will get the message."

Operation Funding was over – but the betrothal part. It just had to be gotten over with.

[-]

"I'm willing to fund your cause," Frida informed her. "I will shoulder it if my father will not agree with the cause."

"That's great thanks."

"Are you well? You look tired."

"I'm not but really, I'm so grateful."

At least _**Frida**_, Meg thought, wasn't into kissing games and asking you how many dudes you bedded within the last three years.

[-]

"You've never kissed a man?"

"I'm a soldier, not a whore," she laughed.

"But, really! Is Erwin Smith good-looking in personal?"

Erwin Smith seemed popular, huh? The answer boiled down when Meg took a look at the book the other lady was reading. It was a romance novel with a man who did resemble Erwin Smith.

"He is," Meg sighed.

"So you know him?"

"I did," she thought. She looked at the girls around her. They had never seen men die. They had never seen and spilled blood on their hands. They were trapped in the delusions of romance that chivalry presented to them. They didn't know how much cruelty was cramped with the world.

"How many times do you see him in personal?"

"I worked alongside him regularly."

"You ever played chess with him?"

Frida smiled.

"I did play chess with him regularly, too."

"So you are friends?"

"Close friends. We've gone out on missions together."

"Really?"

More girls cooing.

"Has he asked for your hand?"

"You two would look good together!"

"Why would he ask for my hand?" Meg scowled. "The man has no clue!"

"Really, you two should date. It'd be nice to see you two."

"Have you kissed?"

_Shared a bed. Shared a bath._ Wasn't it enough?

[-]

Short black hair, that undercut – and pale skin was familiar. When Meg had been leafing through the pages of the file she had accessed inside the library, she had taken notes of the data she had gathered. When she tried looking for the origin of the Titans, she had been directed to the Restricted section – and instead found herself looking at old records which could be useful.

_Wanted_

The year was close to the year she had ran away from the Capet household. Under the Wanted text, was a portrait of a young man a few years older than her with a black undercut and eyes the color of steel. He was short and light and handsome, lithe and good to look at, with muscles underneath his clothes. Accompanied by him were two other youths – a redhead and another man who was pleasant to look at.

The description said that the three of them were wanted for using the military's 3DMG.

_Click._

The mechanism in Meg's head whirred.

Levi.

This seemed so familiar.

Levi and Erwin had a connection, and she knew she could finally comprehend it. Levi was a criminal, a sinner, and Erwin had a past. More to him than a rejected proposal and unrequited love.

But Erwin hadn't even tried!

He wouldn't be that kind of man!

Looking back now, it was a shame she did think it was a sad story, but it was Erwin's _choice_. He hadn't pursued her, but he had loved her and that was it. If he even felt the same for her, then Meg wagered, he wouldn't even make an effort to try. In the first place, what did he really think of this relationship?

This line of work meant protecting people.

Suddenly, she ached for something.

[-]

Jack,

Don't write to me. Again. I could've spent the time I spent reading your letter on cleaning, goddamnit.

-Levi

* * *

Dear Levi,

I won't stop.

-Jack

* * *

Jack,

Fuck you.

-Levi

* * *

Dear Levi,

Want to do it anal? I never realized you were into your fellow males.

-Jack

* * *

Jack,

You're disgusting.

-Levi

* * *

Levi,

Just curious. Ass or boobs?

-Jack

* * *

How about shut the fuck up?

-Levi

* * *

[-]

"Good thing you bargained with me than yourself," her brother told her. He looked at her, older and wiser. Full of worry. Full of youth. Give a little, get a lot.

"Well, it's my choice. I won't be fertile at this rate. The military's not the healthiest place to be," Meg insisted.

"You look thinner."

"Of course I am. Still going to have to look pretty for the sake of keeping up appearances. I kind of miss my vanity."

"So, it's good you have the funding, though. Which Houses have already consented?"

"The Reiss, I mean, Frida Reiss made her donation known. Then followed by the Starks, and the Vanes, naturally… Hmm, I've got some minor Houses making a donation. Three remain to donate. Which is why I cannot leave yet."

"And which Houses are that?"

"The Abellard and the royal family and the Greys."

"Anyone wanting to pick a bone at my fair sister?"

"I think the Abellard and the royal family do." Meg hastily rubbed her hands together. "If anyone wants to lay a hand on me, I'll give them hell. I can use my bow and arrow."

"You know how to fight, do you?"

"Of course, I did. I sparred with my fellow soldiers."

"Oh well. Take care of yourself. If the Abellard will want to ruin you… They'd take away your weapons. They'd have someone rape you. They'd **_pull_** you down."

"Seems like you've been learning how to play. I'll play them like a game, boy. My fights choose me." She held onto the smile forming from her dimples. If they could make her pay, ha! They were tired and they were trying.

"It'll be more high stakes for ye to play," Ross predicted.

Meg closed her eyes.

"Let them come. Let them know that they wanted me."

[-]

They said her name when she snuck out of the palace, accompanied by Frida. Hidden by her green military cape, Frida's hand locked around hers.

"I'm glad you said yes to this," Meg whispered, as they passed by a few stalls. Seedy smells. Odor. Frida's nose wrinkled slightly but she managed an uneasy smile at Meg.

"As a lady, it's our duty to put the needs of others before our own," Frida whispered.

"Well-said, Lady Reiss." Meg let the hood fall. A dirty child stood in front of her, freckled and with dark hair. More children followed.

As Meg continued to drop the loaves of bread from her basket, she let her eyes look at the sky.

[-]

Erwin wouldn't come for her.

She had Frida go back to the palace; she wanted to be alone. Her veins were hot and it was stuffy in a dress. Fanning herself, she walked around. The nobles said her name, the people came to her and yet things hit and didn't hit.

Titans.

Humans.

Sometimes, who was the more monstrous?

"Long time no see. You've grown to be a beauty, I see."

Meg frowned and looked.

An old man with guns in front of her. Same old hat, same old bloodthirsty eyes that clouded. His wrinkles crinkled, and he knew her by the sight of her blue eyes and red hair.

"Long time no see, too." She produced a smile.

This man was **_dangerous_**.

**Note:** Kenny Ackerman's official entrance! Not much shipping there, for now, focusing on character development. A few more chapters and we'll have where the series officially begins.


	9. A Lusty Pin

**EMPIRE**

**Chapter 9:** **A Lusty Pin**

**Summary:** "My heart is set on a lusty pin," she whispered. A line of poetry, one of those things she wrote away at when she had no one to write to.

* * *

"I didn't think my old pupil would get attached and even attracted to you," the man chuckled. Meg's brow furrowed. What old pupil? The only person popping in her head was Erwin. Damn it, Erwin! Bothering her at a time like this. He was packed with weapon - and poking from his pocket was an explosive.

"E-Eh?" She blushed.

"Oh, so you don't know? I think I understand now. I'm going to make this quick."

_They'll pull you down_.

Someone wanted her _dead_. It came too easily. Meg scanned the man's hands. Not neat, but still, callused. The first person she remembered all of a sudden was Levi. Really, she resisted the urge to laugh. First, Levi and now him. How great!

"I know why you're here," Meg declared. "You're going to kill me, aren't you? I've seen you before."

He slid the blade and then lunged for her. As he passed her, her fingers moved, and fingered something from his pockets.

What Meg did was to step away. The blur of his hat- then his foot collided with the wall that was behind her. It crashed, and it was the smell of gunpowder and dried blood. He smelled a bit like Levi – except he smelled more of the grimness of death. He was a fight, and the necklace on Meg's neck was rope. She jumped, in her dress, the voices in her head spurring her on. She wasn't really surprised. After all, the imaginary blades in her back were more than enough to give her the nightmares.

The shivers moved from her shoulder blades in double time. Without warning, she let her fingers lace through the bow and arrow she hid in the basket and pulled it out.

"That won't work on me," said the old man.

Meg aimed for the wall and pulled the bow across her fingers. She let a grim smile decorate her face. A smile would do. He wouldn't keep up with the flicker in her heart. The arrow hit the wall. Before that, however – The old man's fingers laced across her throat and then the stone wall became the foundation of her back. Meg's legs kicked across him and hit him across the stomach, memory giving her back the sensation of fighting.

He was pushed away slightly.

"Still resisting? Well, that's a good effort."

She bit her tongue and kicked his face. In the nose to be exact, and he landed on the floor.

"The Abellard sent you, didn't they?"

"They fucking sure did."

He effortlessly stood up and lunged to attack again – and Meg quickly countered his punch by using her elbow as a shield. However, he slammed her face to the wall, fingers lacing on her throat harder than before.

_I'm not giving up_. She wouldn't – and her first reaction to rise was to bite the fingers on her mouth. She tasted blood, and then his skin released from her face. While he was distracted, Meg effortlessly twisted his arm hard and elbowed him in the face and kicked his stomach and groin, to which he fell on the ground.

His hand squeezed her ankle tightly, then she landed on the ground. He hovered above her, and pulled out a knife, positioned to slice her throat. When she noticed the hand with the knife hover closer to her, she headbutted him – and then there was a raw pain at her shoulder.

His foot crushed her head on the floor. Dirt covered her face and she choked on dust, on air.

"Weak. I see now why my pupil took a liking to protecting the likes of you. You'd never hurt a fly, would you?"

Meg craned her head. Then she spat on his face.

_You don't know me._

This sudden tug on her veins was renewed, and there was something dark that pierced within her soul, in that endless void of memories and minds and strategies she buried in her head, muddling with her nightmares and dreams. Her blood was a flag, the blood rubies and gold. The fires on her hair, the darkening alleyway suddenly a warzone. Nothing had hit, but the voices burned.

_If you want to fight, think._

This thing in her heart. Suddenly, she managed to overpower him. What next happened was a blur – of colors. Jumped on the rope attached to the arrow, climbing with every fierce dignity a lady could muster.

"I wasn't aiming for it in the first place," she snapped. When she reached the top of the building, she let the vial hit the floor.

It exploded in a burst of color. The grayscale, the falling of northern and southern downpour from where she was standing, the moistness that followed. Standing on the top, she knew she wasn't looking that good. When she looked down, underneath the cape, there were rips – and bruises on her skin.

Another enemy felled. The Abellard had to bent down. They didn't know who Meg Capet was. They didn't know how much they underestimated her – the bread-feeding, the smiling and that grins she gave casually. Out there, was a room that was cold and dark and it had mazes, and she would stand there, making it. She had moved through the capital, she had killed ten titans on her own, and the people she had talked to. Oh, how nice it would be – to smile and to laugh and to cry, but then, it was just the beginning.

One day, they would whisper her name. They would fear the yellow flicker in her heart, the colors disappearing. They would fear her, they would love her. They were everyone who had laid fingers on her.

Suddenly, she felt herself smile. Then she laughed like a child. She laughed for the world that burned, she laughed for the dead, for the innocent ones, the kings of the generations. Then she laughed for the naïve, like her, who had thought that life was once a song.

[-]

When she was dressing herself in the old room of the base, she looked at the mirror, clad in her underwear. Her stomach was flat, and she was growing thinner. Her skin was pale, her nose sharp, her cheeks losing their ruddiness. Her shoulder had a new scar, and around her neck were new bruises. Her red hair fell over her face.

Then she put back the military uniform, and from that point, left the base alone.

She didn't want to talk to anyone.

[-]

Levi's arrival, he had not expected; this was unusually early an arrival from a mission. Levi had taken Charlie Hunter with him and the other members of the squad. While Erwin himself, he had gone with Braun to Shadis' other pretext and Meg had left to her own devices, Erwin himself had little idea to track down the redhead with the water in his eyes and the desperation that clawed at her.

"You let her go?"

"She left on her own," Erwin replied. "Shadis was fine with it because he had little understanding of how politics worked." Shadis would be fine with it. Levi would know better than to question Meg's affinity for politics. It was there all along; she knew better to move through a maze and a chessboard with her heart in her hands and her driving desire to save and contribute to Humanity's last hope.

Levi sighed.

"It's dangerous there," he growled. "What were you _thinking_, sending her out there with no guard?"

"We had a quarrel and she wouldn't agree with me, so she acted on her own," Erwin replied calmly. "I got angry at her, she got angry at me."

"Don't you think you two are too close? It seems too personal," Hanji's voice sang from the kitchen. "Charlie was complaining about hearing you two yell at each other when she was sleeping with Braun."

_Hanji has a point._

"You know," Hanji went on, "maybe you're leading her on."

"I wouldn't have feelings for her at all," came Erwin's swift reply.

[-]

The next day came and Shadis had her called into a meeting with Erwin and he himself. There would be more missions and expeditions coming, and Meg didn't have a heart to complain. Her hair was a mess, and she couldn't bother sleeping decently because of the pain of the wounds. Instead of opting to wear her hair up, she let her hair cover her neck, the bruises.

Shadis seemed stressed more than ever, when he entered the room, and Erwin's demeanor had awfully changed. He was changing so much it was scary, but then, she had changed, too.

"How was the mission?"

"It was successful. I managed to get the donations," Meg replied. A beam shot up her face and she greeted Shadis gingerly. "Everyone but the Abellard made their contributions."

"Did you do it at a _price_?" Erwin asked suddenly.

"Tch." Meg giggled. "Of course, I did."

"What _price_?"

"I offered my hand –"

Shadis and Erwin stared at her.

"I offered to be a wife, but then I wouldn't be fertile," Meg explained. "So I offered my brother instead, and that's pretty much how I convinced everyone to make a deal with me." As she spoke, her fingers rubbed through her hair and she unexpectedly pulled it up.

"Who did that to you?" Erwin asked.

"Did what?"

"Those bruises on your neck?"

"Nevermind," she snapped.

* * *

_It wasn't the first time she would be angry with him, Erwin would later recount. She had seen through him, and he knew so little of her. He would fall for her beauty, if he would let himself be charmed. Any man would be lucky to have her smiling on him. She was the rose of the military, but she had a vision and vocation and a drive, and her heart was lost. She navigated maps and mazes, and waded through the unknown, with him._

_She was that one last chance he could have held out. He could love her, it would be pitiful if he just let her slide away from him. Levi didn't understand her, because he was a man who could be simple sometimes, and it would take him a thousand days to truly comprehend her._

_She waded in and out of his thoughts._

* * *

[-]

"How much are you going to keep that up?" Erwin sighed. It was playing chess in the night again. Tomorrow, he'd go on a mission with Shadis, and she would have a week's mission somewhere in Trost – and then followed by a visit to Shiganshina, where Grisha, a doctor, needed more help to deal with certain things. "You're only growing more restless."

"As long as I need to. There's no prince waiting for me. I've accepted that fact."

Erwin looked at her.

"That's almost a pity. You're young and pretty and you could've married a nice man. Had children."

"**Don't** talk of that." She took his pawn. "Our choices decide our fate. Like you did."

"You would never fall in love, would you?"

"What could I care less for?" She rubbed her neck, her eyes bloodshot and skin pale.

The door opened.

"Abellard's sent us funds," Shadis' voice chimed in.

Meg sighed and stood up from the table. She almost knocked over the pitcher of water.

"Meg?"

"I beg my leave. I want to sleep."

[-]

"Charlie, how do you know if you're in love?"

"Hmm, you don't eat. You sing to yourself, your color is nice and you act all giddy." Charlie paused for a moment. "You think about that person a lot."

_Braun's in love_, she realized.

When she looked back at Charlie, Charlie was grinning like a regular idiot.

"Do you do the same?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, you think about that person a lot. You sing to yourself. You act giddy."

"I think I do."

"Great!"

Charlie frowned.

"I think it's Braun, too."

[-]

He'll never be hers. Not this way, Meg thought miserably, as she brushed her hair. Not this way that he wouldn't look at her like she was someone. Hell, what did he even think about? Certainly not her. It wouldn't be her. He never told her if she looked pretty, or if he thought she was growing prettier everyday, her smiles, or how she easily smiled so well on him that her warmth to him was something he required from her. She remembered wanting his approval, smiling on him, and the feeling of excitement he was going to be her friend and his queen, but what extent did he have to continue being tied to her?

He wouldn't be hers, and she wouldn't be his, because they had chess pieces, and it was hard figuring out things with him because it was confusing and it was tempting to go to a bar and drink herself out.

So when not with Erwin, she spilled her thoughts on the night sky and the pages of her journal.

[-]

_Dear Charlie,_

_While I write, I am with Erwin Smith at expedition, while you are on your missions. From what I've heard, you're away with Humanity's Strongest. It's one of the longest expeditions we've been, and Erwin and I are close. Mike tries to room and Erwin knows better because Mike will ravage the whorehouses and sleep there. Isn't it awful?_

_Well, Erwin's writing notes and they're addressed to Levi and Hanji, and they're business ones. However, occasionally, he'll pull out a short piece of paper and write at it for a long time like he is trying to be more introverted and more personal. He fell asleep and I managed to look at the paper and it was addressed to your lady friend. I think he's sweet on her, and she's sweet on him and they should be together, but he seems to be aiming for a higher position and so is she, and they might as well have nothing at all._

_I don't think he'll give that note to her, but when we talk of her, he occasionally goes soft and then holds it back. I have to ask him if he loves her but he won't admit that truth and he'll go commando and I have to be at his beck and call._

_I don't think he wants to lose her._

_Anyway, Charlie, I miss our little talks. Keep warm and safe, because you're reckless and tactless._

_-Braun_

* * *

_Dear Braun,_

_Oh, really? I've never been the type for long letters, but for you, I'll make my own exceptions. I'm with Corporal Levi. YECH. Corporal. You'd think he sounded fancy but in reality, his personality is far from fancy. I tried seducing him years ago and well, I had enough mind to ask him about if he remembered that. The man is a clean freak and he just beat me up for having a messy trunk with stuff. I should have made Meg clean my trunk for me. _

_Well, he's complex as fuck like Erwin. Only a woman like Meg can handle them both. If any of them would break down, she would never judge them. And Meg, well, she's mine before those men's so they better acknowledge me first than her. _

_Well, as far as Meg and Erwin go, they're as thick as thieves. Only thing missing is that she goes slip into his bedroom and there's blood in the sheets. I can imagine them getting married and having babies._

_Blah._

_I miss our little talks as well._

_Love,_

_Your Charlie_

* * *

[-]

Sometimes, they requested her presence at the training camps – and Meg did what was needed. She often substituted, and walked around Trost in her uniform. When in civilian, she took whatever bread left and gave children food. Sometimes, she could sleep – but not without seeing those visions in her head. When she left behind food in children's hands, when she talked to others about not giving up, sometimes, it felt right. The mission to Shiganshina was successful, but she wouldn't disclose the happenings to anyone; she did what she had to, and played the chessboard because she fought.

Rock, scissors, paper. Don't blink, don't avoid eye contact. Smile and sit straight. Look pretty and neat. When Erwin wasn't there, sometimes, she tried to think of some things. In training camp, she'd talk and there, give what was needed. If there was a girl who needed advice, she gave it. Words from her mouth and smiles all around, no one would think she was a survivor. Team Mom was her new role, Cool Big Sister was her new title, and no one would think underneath her smiles, she was silk hiding steel. Mistress Meg the one who took new recruits under her wing and hid a yellow flicker in her chest. There were many meetings, many words, she noted them all and hid them in her head.

Every once so often, she noticed things. Erwin's smiles were rare, and when they talked, it became more urgent. When she spent the night at her room, sometimes, he confused her but she said nothing and the fondness was there. Less touching of hands, but she noticed how he looked at her with a shine on his eye then the next minute, be all businesslike. Shadis' tutelage took tolls on both of them – she heard him scream from his room in the night and in her nightgown, rushed inside to calm him down. He'd bite his tongue and she offered to watch over him. He wouldn't let her touch him, and when he dozed off, Meg would sit and write letters to Frida, who she kept in close contact with.

_You know, we could have been sweet sisters,_ Frida wrote to her. _Ulklin liked the look of you. He said you were pretty._

_Well, no one's going to be sweet on me, a dead soldier_, Meg remembered writing back. _I'll be dead even before Ulklin would ask for my hand._

_You won't_, Frida had written back to her.

The source of Meg's happiness was mainly Frida's letters. Charity, letters, songs – and daydreaming. Being head of Correspondence was fine, and every month, she got better. Away from the fighting, tucked away in sentiment. Expeditions came, her hair grew, and she talked and she mentored, trying to live, while Frida's letters yellowed with age, and she watched Erwin grow up stronger. He was taller, becoming less awkward, while Jack she had little word of.

She watched Charlie spend more time with Braun and less time with Gelgar. She didn't have any clue with Levi, so he was out of her mind, and the better. Unwanted memories were the last thing on her mind, and for a while, she was almost contented.

Everyday was a fight and everyday was a training ground for improvement. The smiles were darkness and she basked in it and then darkness she became. Mistress Meg, she thought, during 842, was more suiting than ever.

Loveless, lifeless, that was her life. She accepted the blood on her hands, the fake smiles, the words from her mouth meant to coax life from soldiers. She spoke and spoke and sang and sang and fought until it was second nature.

When Charlie worked at letters, Meg didn't have to read her to know. Charlie was in love, and that was how 844 ended. A girl named Petra Ral who she often talked to, Frida's letters, letters and poetry and daydreaming and words.

[-]

It wasn't her idea to start writing to Petra Ral. Her uncle, now stationed at the training camp, told her there was someone who would appreciate her. Her name was Petra Ral, and she needed an older sister figure. So Meg conceded and wrote. The letter was sealed and sent and pretty soon, she knew this girl. This girl had a friend who was a boy, and he was saved by a short man who wore a white cravat.

Letters were words and they were food packages in paper and ink. Ink, pencil, markings on paper that carried the weight of people's souls; the idea always made Meg smile and think of the old days when she used to carry around correspondence within the Capet territory. While Frida would ask and greet everyone, what Meg remembered doing for others was to simply watch and then do her duty. She would make cakes for occasions, give them to the retainers outside and greet them in her own way.

Sometimes, she would offer to help the milkmaid milk even if she didn't know how to. Sometimes, when there was a minor noble to be fostered, Meg would offer to show him around the estate so he wouldn't get lost.

In the deepest cave of her own memories, Meg remembered sometimes a black-haired little boy who loved to drink tea. He would watch Luthor Capet drink tea and Helena Vane cradle her baby daughter in her arms.

When Helena Vane set the baby down in a cradle, she would go on to pour tea for the boy. A slip – and then porcelain spilled. The lady sighed and made a circling gesture with her fingers.

_Merde._

[-]

_You're a bold and a fine soldier, but you're nothing while your father lives._

Meg had laughed.

"Well, nothing? I've been lucky. I'm the woman who took power when Erwin Smith was off on missions. I was meant to be disliked. I am damned twice in everyone's eyes. Blame a noblewoman for taking a soldier's job and doing what I do."

"Why damned twice?"

"That's because I'm a noble."

Damned twice and thrice, that was her life. On a house on a hill, she remembered dreaming of darkness and sounds, and Titans, and then meadows and wings. So was this is it? The tavern seemed so far away.

"… Are you okay? You look unwell?" Frida could win an acting award for her concern. At that Meg shook her head and she said she was fine, thank you for your concern.

What she needed was a good drink.

* * *

_Dear Petra,_

_My name's Meg Capet, and I'm a Division officer. I'll be your sweet sister on paper. Before I'll ask you to introduce yourself to me, I'll state some facts about myself. I hope our correspondence will be amiable and necessary and also, beneficial for both sides. We will be sisters once your training is over, I assure you, by that time. I work closely with Squad Leader Erwin Smith and we are both under Shadis' command. _

_I'm an adult, and I love lemoncakes. I love to read books, and drink tea. I'm a daydreamer at heart. My favourite smells are the smell of new food, the smell of a clean room, the smell of the sunlight on a cold and breezy spring day. My favourite books is The Legend of Melusina, it's an old tale my mother passed onto me before she died. I love pretty new dresses to walk around in, new books to divulge in and also, taking care of others because it is my own duty._

_Tell me about yourself._

_Hoping to hear from you,_

_Your Meg_

* * *

_Dear Petra,_

_I am honoured you have chosen to accept this offer. I hope to meeting you soon once you are a formal soldier! Think of the adventures you will have! Think of the honor and glory you will bring to your family, as well yourself! _

_-Meg_

* * *

[-]

"Why would some pretty virgin call me to her private quarters? I didn't take Mistress Meg Quite Contrary to be like this." Mike's tone was mellow. Still, he smiled at her and chuckled.

Meg groaned and covered her face with a pillow.

"Advice," she began, "on how to deal with Erwin Smith. You're his best friend. You're supposed to be his sworn brother. I'm just a comrade." She had a tainted heart, a broken wing, and that was it. Push button, pull trigger, jump off a cliff and look at him with moon eyes and longing, that she was different. Everyday, by his side, when she looked at him, she often had a tug at the corner of her heart, asking to wait and asking to let it all come undone.

"You can handle him enough on your own. You charm him."

"No!" Meg threw the pillow in his face.

"Then what?" Mike's fingers latched around the pillow and he levelled it expertly away from his face. His eyes flashed. "What's your problem with him? I'm sure he understands you pretty well."

Meg groaned.

"… I…" She pinked. "I…"

"You want to sleep with him? I'll tell him that when I drop by his office."

"NOOO!" The bed fell to the floor. The bedsheet toppled over, and then the pillows spilt on the wooden ground. Meg rushed over – and then -

_Her bare foot slipped._

"Then what's the problem?"

"I… like him, and I don't know what to do about it."

"Go confess."

"That's the problem." She sniffed.

[-]

It seemed military also had some special events – and there was this military event that was required to be attended in formal wear. For some reason, this event was this banquet and there would be dancing and performances and all kinds of nice stuff. One had to look nice – even Pixis and Darius Zackley were attending! The heads of the squads and divisions were already there early, and it was somehow a dinner event.

People were already gathering, and Meg made her way to the seats that were reserved for Shadis' squad. A blond was already sitting on his seat, and Meg's belly suddenly lurched. Well, this certainly sucked. To or not to go to him? The question lay in the air, and she grit her teeth. For crying out loud, her cheeks were a forest fire, and her hands shook. The clammy feeling and the sweat pooled in her palms.

It was him she thought of so much – of how he smiled so rarely, of how he had things running with a word. Of how everyday, she waited for him in the room for him to slip in and play chess with her. For the five years or more, she would gladly wait.

"Meg?"

Meg craned her neck. To her surprise, Charlie looked actually decent for once. She wore her hair in curls that hung short, and every strand was in place. A short knee-length dress covered her form, and it was the color of her eyes, which complimented her skin nicely. A string of pearls hung over chest, emphasizing her good figure. Braun, looking equally dapper, had his arm around her waist protectively.

"You look –"

"Beautiful." Charlie winked. "Well, you certainly have outdone yourself."

Meg widened her eyes.

"Are you talking about me?"

"Yes! You really look good! You should wear that more often! If you'll excuse Braun and I, we'll go talk just outside." And the two of them linked arms together, leaning closely for support. They were starry-eyed, talking. Compared to Charlie's other bedmates, Braun talked more with her and could hold a conversation with the sandy-haired woman. Most of Charlie's bedmates could only speak for themselves in the mattress.

Meg glanced at her reflection in a nearby window. Her red hair was worn loose, with a crimp. Minimal make-up, it was mostly kohl lining her eyes, and the new dress. This one was another one of the dresses her mother left. Silk, soft, and the color was blue, with a golden bird sewn in the skirt of the dress. A complex piece it was, the designs in the dress complex and intricate as a maze. Compared to her other dresses, this one as certainly a bit daring - low neckline, showing much more skin, and cleavage. To maintain some modesty, a see-through shawl draped over her shoulders. The dress showed off her figure better than most of her dresses.

_Well, this dress is hot_.

Meg absent-mindedly fanned herself as she took a seat beside Erwin.

And she continually fanned herself for the next remaining thirty minutes that came over. More people started to arrive, and then she just sat on the wooden seat. The world moved, her eyes on him, and the voices burning bright like stars. Commander Shadis came and went and said speeches. Nile Dawk followed, his eyes on Erwin Smith, and then Pixis. Then the orderlies came by and gave food, and they ate. The food was bland in Meg's tongue and she was a little irritated by it.

"Meg?" Erwin turned to look at her.

"What?"

She forced a smile.

He raised a brow, then leaned closer.

"Do you want to go with me to see the fireworks? There'll be fireworks later."

"I'd love to," Meg replied. She grinned back at him, that flash of familiar smiles dashing through under her skin, the heat pooling on her cheeks. Then she masked it with the disguise of a noble lady's smile. If only he knew, thought the girl, her eyes shining. It was him, of course. To move from A to B, like from the chessboard.

_Will he say anything about what I look like?_

He still hadn't touched his wine. Did Mike even make an effort to talk to him about the conversation in her quarters? Meg hoped he didn't; it was too embarrassing to bring up at this certain point. There was Erwin and the soldier Erwin she knew. She knew the man, the soldier much better. Mike knew both of him and Mike was his brother and Meg knew she meant nothing, he only saw her as the soldier and the girl and student and the lady, not the woman in front of her with the three words slipping down her shoulders and dress.

Meg looked at her wine goblet. She herself, had still made no effort to drink it all down. She supposed she would wait until he would ask her to steal away in the darkness. Back when she was younger, she supposed that one day, she would marry a man who'd love her and treat her like princesses from the fairy tales, but when she told her mother that, her mother had giggled and then started laughing, her eyes hooded and gray and sad. Proper love, proper courtship, that was what Meg was taught. The knight would send the lady his tokens of love and he would protect her from the world, he would treat her as if she was Venetian glass. But then, what had her mother told her?

Her mother had stopped brushing her own blond mane. She was a bright beauty, every inch the traditional beauty, she was dressed in blue and it reminded her of a fish. Her mouth was rosy, and she had the glow of a Madonna.

"Well, isn't it what it's supposed to be like?" Meg had asked. Were you and Father like Snow White and her prince?

Her mother had smiled. A blade struck her throat and then she released that blade.

"No, it's not." Her mother had added that love was like a knife, not honey. Then she had pulled out a book and told her to read it.

Looking at that, Meg could only blink. That book was the book in her keeping, dusty and familiar and well-worn throughout the years. The book had been the secret to keeping her own heart in place, in her own place. Damned thrice for her naivety, for her gender, for being born a noble, and for having a soft heart that fell and got pulled on everyday.

"What are you thinking about, Meg?"

"I was thinking about The Legend of Melusina." The book she had in her keeping.

"Meg."

"Yes." The mechanism inside of her moved and then, his fingers were on the skin of her neck, her face close to his. Eye to eye, skin to skin, this was the mechanism, the tip of the three words she drowned in the vessels of life that contaminated her. The living chessgame, he was the strategist, the real chessmaster in this realm. She let her smile scrunch up her face – and then his finger traced her face. The man who would one day be Commander.

"I didn't expect you would be wearing _**that**_ kind of dress," he murmured. He knew the lady in her commanded modesty.

Meg smiled.

"In fairness, it accentuates you _**perfectly**_."

Her face was on fire.

"Um, you guys."

Two pairs of blue eyes fixed on Hanji Zoe. Hanji looked good, her hair combed and smoothed out. She wore a light beige dress that showed off her curves. A headband was wrapped around her head.

"What is it?"

"You two can go dance, you know. No need to go whispering in the dark."

Erwin looked back at her.

"Do you want to go dance with me?"

"Of course!"

He glanced at Hanji.

"What dance exactly?"

"The tango."

"Let's go."

He pulled her hand – and into the center of the dance floor, where she could see everyone. Nile Dawk was dancing with a pretty woman who was slim enough to look as if she had no children. She saw Erwin nod politely to the woman and the woman smiled back at him. She saw Charlie and Braun, their bodies wrapped around each other like nooses, the sandy-haired woman twirling in the dance floor, her thighs against his, and they didn't care about the beat.

The tango.

"Let me lead," Erwin quickly said, and before she knew it, they circled each other. Hands, and arms – and mostly, it was him doing all the work. Her body started to move on its own – those old lessons she was drilled. Arms above head, hips working in the beat of the playing music. Surprise or not, suddenly, it was just this moment.

She and him and the music. The shuffling of feet in this manic moment, the stares of the people. She heard Hanji's giggles and a familiar grunt – and she turned her head high, and moved her body closer to her friend's. This was just dancing, and she had it covered. But this was also the tango and her face heated at the thought.

But still, her heels clacked on the floor. Hands, arms, skin, eyes. She twirled in his arms, and he lifted her when needed. He was the frame and she was his picture, shown to the world. Together, they were unstoppable. The power that they both had wanted to achieve, the circles of control that lay deep in their own struggles, that was their dynamic, he and hers. This world was a labyrinth and they should have been together, wrapped in each other's dreams, away from the swine of the world, the utter ambition that corrupted noblemen's hearts into traitorous thorns.

The dance took a long time, but she relished in it. She loved every moment, as her hair flew, as her skin flushed from the exposure and the wind. He lifted her when it was needed, and he let circle around him, for she was the lady in his frame as a dancer, and it had to be done. When their thighs touched, it was a surge of fire in the air, and they moved together like it was normal and it was not.

Lost in the dancing, she let him guide her throughout. Hands and arms locked, skintight, she couldn't get enough of it. It felt good, as if she was singing in the shower, which she was guilty of during missions. She remembered Jack whining about her and Charlie's singing voices.

It was over, then she turned her head to smile politely at him. He smiled back at her. Then he pulled her hand – and they ran into the open night. A sky full of stars shone above their heads.

The booming.

Colors breezed through the sky. Meg heard Erwin breathe fervently like a prayer. Her heart thumped under her dress and her hand clasped around his. First, they were red and blue and gold, then they turned silver and green and black.

"Erwin?"

He looked back at her. She opened her mouth.

"I love you. I love you like Melusina loved her husband the woodsman, I have loved you for a year and counting."

The fireworks continued to pop into the night sky.

His hold on her hand tightened.

Meg wished he would never let go. His mouth moved, but she heard only the explosions, the thumping of her own heart. She felt his skin underneath hers, how warm he was near her. The open air was cold, and her heart was a hollow blaze. She didn't know what he said, for his mouth moved too fast and she was at loss at what to think or worse, do. His squeeze on her hand grew tighter, then his face came near hers and then, everything turned off and became blank and mute.

When his cheek left hers, Meg blinked.

He let her hand go and he smiled at her and said more things, then abruptly, he left.

It was a kiss on the forehead.

[-]

Did he ever understand her? Life was no song. She should have known better than that, she thought with frustration seeping at her bones. How many expeditions had she gone on to make sure she knew that fact? She knew what it was to fight Titans, she knew what it was like to bleed and to ache for something to hold onto and latch onto. Was it the fortune of war that made things like this?

Would it be so hard to understand her? She was damned thrice. Damned four times for every time that she would hope and keep lying to herself that she wouldn't develop feelings for anyone. Men would keep coming and going, and maybe she was supposed to know that.

Was it really this hard to understand a woman like her? The wheel of fortune would turn and on and she would wrap herself in her dreams. Like a heartbeat, she lay in the stillness of her vision and memories. Her vocation was to give the Titans hell and fight for the cause of it. What Erwin didn't know, what Levi and Jack couldn't understand, was it all in her mind?

"Another round?"

"Yes please!" Meg flashed her smile as the bartender poured her her tenth round of alcoholic wine. Alcohol wasn't a bad option; Thatcher used to joke that it was part of her beauty regimen and Dot Pixis often had agreed with her. Meg sighed and wrapped her shawl around her a little more tightly.

"Did someone dump you?"

"….You can say that."

Meg took a huge gulp and tapped for more.

"How far did you two go?"

"…. What do you mean?"

"Have you two even slept together?"

Meg blushed as she chugged on more rounds of alcohol.

"We never did that."

Not one person. She doubted anyone would remember her if she even died. Oh, she's Meg Capet, she's a diplomat blah blah, she would imagine someone saying if she died. Alcohol was certainly working wonders in her brain. Hmph. She doubted anyone would notice she literally ran away after the fireworks to go into this nice bar.

Slipping in and out of her memories. She remembered back then, her father and her old tutors. Her father had once invited her and her mother to go to town to look for good teachers, and they had found one. Through the dusty roads, her father had went to a tailor and her mother told her to take a walk for a while. While walking, Meg remembered a blond child with blue eyes that reminded her of a lord's, walking up to her and talking with her.

She remembered how in command he was. He was clever, and he was curious and he was going to school. His father was a teacher, and Meg decided to talk with him and they got along. When Meg's father had come into view, he got the child's name and went to the schoolroom where the boy's father taught. It had been a spacious room, and full of children.

The man taught well, and Meg was impressed.

Meg's father wanted to make him Meg's tutor and the schoolmaster the boy's father would bring his son over to play with Meg.

A month later, he didn't come.

They said he was murdered.

When Meg came back with her father, she found the boy with a book and staring at her. His eyes were red and Meg gave him her handkerchief and asked him what happened.

_My father was murdered_.

It was the last time Meg would go out of Wall Sina territory.

"I'd like to order what she's having," said a familiar voice beside her and when Meg looked, she immediately looked away. He was wearing a black blazer, and a formal suit, and he still looked as good as always.

"… You look cute, Levi."

What was this sorcery from her lips? He was close enough to smell her breath. His hand gripped her shoulder and he inspected her bare shoulder with a raised brow. When Meg's eyes scanned the exposed area, she blushed and pushed his hand away. There was a scar. Her head was a maze and there was a drilling machine pushing its hand inside it.

He didn't deserve to see that scar.

"You're drunk, soldier."

His lips at her ear and there it was again, that spark of electricity that wasn't there when she was at Erwin's time.

Meg wanted to go steady, but she was unable to grip herself. Instead, like a seaweed, she dropped closer against him. She felt him unable to resist her weight. He smelled clean and fresh, and she of musky perfume and tainted impure alcohol. Perhaps, when she got to the base, she would drink lemon water to cleanse her breath.

"Let me talk," Meg whispered, closing her eyes. "You can't possibly understand why I'm doing this. I've never been kissed properly. And it pains me so. I'll never marry for love. I'll never kiss for love. Just for once, why can't someone kiss me properly?"

She blinked.

"Why is it I've never been kissed? I want someone to kiss me before I die in the mouth of a Titan. Just one kiss. I'll be happy if that ever happens. Please, if there is a divine god."

He listened intently.

Gods be damned if he took her seriously but he looked at her intently, as if she was a woman he would never understand. He looked at her like she was a ghost.

His hand reached for the tip of his drink and he took a drink.

"…The things that I put up with."

Meg closed her eyes.

"My heart is set on a lusty pin," she whispered. A line of poetry, one of those things she wrote away at when she had no one to write to. "I pray to Venus of good continuance, for I rejoice in the cause that I am in. Delivered from sorrow, annexed to pleasance, of all comfort having abundance."

His finger traced her high cheekbone, her hair.

"This joy and I, I trust, that shall never win, my heart is set on a lusty pin."

Meg closed her eyes, and she felt him move on top of her. When she opened them again, he was close to her, eye to eye, skin to him.

_My heart is set on a lusty pin_.

She moved – and pressed her lips against his. Her hands ached for his hair, and the air suddenly became hot. Was it even in her to do this? Was he even minding this? He was _kissing _back, furious, and his hand on her hip. Her thighs on top of his, legs intertwined, reeking of alcohol. More kissing, and then suddenly, his arms wrapped around her, wanting to be joined more tightly. Her skin heated up, and her chest meshed against his and drunkenness took over them both.

He kissed back as if he wasn't able to hold it in, so fervently as if she was a divine being, not a human girl who was drunk, his fingers moving across her back, holding her tight. He kissed back so fervently he reminded her of a candle that lit when in prayer.

At the thought of prayer, she pulled back and slammed his hand from her thigh away. This _**shouldn't**_ be happening.

"… You want to stop now, Capet?"

Meg gritted her teeth.

"I'm drunk, and you might as well, be, too." She looked him in the eye. "Why did you even have to kiss me back? You are in a position higher than I am, and I am the Correspondence Division Head. We're not supposed to do this."

His hands clasped around her waist and he set her down on her own chair. Gray eyes looked back at her, solemn and sober and dutiful.

"Didn't you say you wanted to be kissed?"

Meg sighed as she looked down at her dress. The neckline of her dress had actually started showing the tops of her breasts, and the sleeves slithering down her shoulders.

"I was just being an idiot at that time. Let's act as if there's nothing between us." She pulled up the sleeves and laced the ribbons at the low neckline. "I've given my heart to humanity, and yours to your own cause. You hate me and you think I'm a fool."

She rose from the seat.

"Are you saying that anything between you and me will be wrong?"

"By default, most likely, yes. We'd taint each other's reputations and that isn't good news for me."

She turned her back away on him.

"You're wrong."

"Why would I be, Levi?"

"I don't hate you. I don't think you're a fool."

"Well… you would never understand me. You'd never understand how damned I am in this world, in this time, in this position. You're a man, me a woman and that's how far we will go."

When she left, Levi sighed and took another drink.

Outside, there was a _thud_ \- and he quickly left the bar.

* * *

_Back then, she knew how hard it would be for men to truly understand the way she treaded on. She didn't know how he could have understood her. In his later years, he finally learned to understand her, and once he looked back at the conversation, came the fruition of his struggle to truly get under her skin. _

_He had been wrong about her._

* * *

When Meg woke up, she found herself in her own room.

* * *

**Notes:** Whoop. Sorry for the lateness! The poem she recited is a poem Elizabeth of York wrote for her husband Henry VII. The two of them had a very loving marriage and had opposite personalities.


	10. The Moon Eclipsed

**EMPIRE**

**Chapter 10: The Moon Eclipsed**

* * *

**Summary:** Change came over, like a breeze. Emergencies ahead, the years between her passing like a dream. _I have loved and I have lost_, she concluded, in all haste.

* * *

Lifting the hem of her dress, Meg winced when she looked at her knees. Saints' knees, they called them, when she was much younger. Bent from praying all the time; now, her knees were thinner. Her knees were skinnier and back then, she remembered when she had met the dead schoolmaster's son, he had been keen to notice her knees and asked why she had knees like that. They are saints' knees, Meg had replied, from kneeling so long for praying. Now, what had become of the cunning blond boy keen to notice her knees?

No time for memories, she thought, as she dressed into her uniform. Another day as the Correspondence officer who was one of the few manpower left in her division – they joked she was a one-woman army of herself due to her other fellow workers often on leave due to expeditions. She mentored and was skilled enough to sort the papers with direct orders from Shadis on what to do; she knew court behaviour as well and being gifted with politeness, seemed to manage fine. Erwin would be far away from her, and she couldn't get any more relieved; the blow of the rejection hit her, but she was a soldier and she would weather the tide until it washed over her.

She had a job. She had a vocation. If not fighting Titans, then helping the cause was her job. It meant looking pretty and smiling. Her fist balled. Alcohol certainly worked wonders. Compared to last night, this was a huge improvement. One less attachment and that was it.

In the first place, he would brush the advances off. No need to remind them both that he wanted something better than her, while Meg had a vocation in the first place, too. Her vocation was to help and build an empire on her own and this was a good place, too. The papers in her hands were arranged and to start the day, she hurried to her seat and started to sort through the letters being sent.

Taped into her desk were a few notes.

_Erwin seemed to be enjoying his dance with you. I hope he accepted your advances!_

_-Mike_

Meg smiled as her fingers curled round the note and she threw it away. Useless was her judgment. As far as she was concerned, she had a vocation and she wanted to make more of it. Her heart was given away and tucked and that mattered.

_For some weird reason people love taking me away from you. Another stupid mission. Anyway, I love you! Take care, woman! – Your Charlie_

Well, that was sweet. Attached to Charlie's note was a box and when Meg opened it, a fruity aroma attacked the wind. The smell of freshly-baked lemoncakes. Charlie seemed to have grown sweeter since Braun came along. If only the two of them could get married and have babies, Meg thought, then two less persons would be harmed.

The door burst open, and came in Commander Shadis, his face lined and strict. He towered over her and Meg immediately did him a quick salute, with the subtlety of a fox.

Behind him was a lean dark-haired youth, with eyes of ice and metal, his face blank and pallid. He smelled of the North, of the wilderness and snow and of duty. He was of the North, steel and duty writ over his face. Dark-haired, dutiful and yet at the same time, Meg could tell, he had a depth to his soul. There was something rather wolfish about him.

With him was another dark-haired youth.

"Commander, is there anything you want to tell me?" Meg asked, smiling quickly at the boys. The first one did not flinch; the other blushed.

"Your division, Officer, needs more manpower, and I'm giving you that. These officers will serve as your manpower." Shadis glanced at the gray-eyed boy who stunk of duty. "This one's Officer Matthew Lyall, and he will serve you as a bodyguard, extra manpower and assistant as well as subordinate and be the steward of your division."

Matthew looked at her for a long time and then nodded. This was the nod of a man who had never seen a woman like her.

"The other is Theon Strong. He will be your subordinate. Treat them well and fairly and teach them what you know about political tactics. Officer Lyall, and Strong, this is your new leader and superior, Division Leader Margaret Capet, she heads the Correspondence Division." With that, Shadis nodded and exited the room. Once Shadis was out, Matthew lifted his chin and came nearer to her.

"Call me Meg," said Meg. A smile curled from the corner of her mouth. "You'll start today. We usually sort out letters and correspond with higher-ups, the nobility and the king and the government as well as deliver letters to soldiers and their families. It's heavy paperwork, but I think you'll learn it. I have faith in you two."

Theon blushed, and moved closer.

Matthew stared at her, his eyes gray and unyielding.

* * *

They got to work.

"I've heard all about you," Theon told her, as they were working, "You're the one Erwin Smith danced with during this event. Everyone said you were handsome and graceful." They had started working for a week, and to their credit, both men were getting the work done at a good rate.

"I was. You do me too much credit. I'm not like him at all," Meg replied, laughing. "Unlike Erwin, I find it difficult to comprehend politics."

Theon laughed along, but behind her, she knew Matthew was watching her.

When the work for the day was over, Theon quickly said his byes and Matthew for a moment, lay still into his seat. His eye glazed all over her. In his eyes, what was she truly? After observing him for a few days, Meg didn't hope to figure him out. Figuring out Erwin Smith was still a challenge after more than a thousand hours spent as a friend to him. When Matthew looked at her straight, she had a jest of her own that he saw her as a woman he could not touch or understand. His eyes followed the candles lit on her desk.

She had been keeping them ever since Thatcher died – the lit candles on her desk. For every death, she lit a candle and thought a prayer. She wouldn't kneel; her knees were saints' knees and it would ruin the uniform.

"What do you usually do after a day's work?"

"I read, and I play chess everyday."

"Who do you play with?"

"I play with Erwin Smith, but as of late, he is not with me."

"…"

"Will you do me a favour as your superior?"

Matthew's eyes sprang up.

"What is it?"

"Will you play with me?"

"Yes."

The chessboard was set.

"Officer Capet, I really do not see the use of being in this division," Matthew bluntly began. He looked at her again. "This division only serves to be a mouthpiece of what only _appears_ to be happening. I did not wish to be put in this division."

"Let me correct you." She took his pawn and smiled. "I told you to call me Meg. I am awfully sorry you have no idea of what it means to be in this division. You are new to this division, and you will learn. As your head, I am rather sorry to see that."

"I know what being a soldier means," Matthew retorted. "It's not just doing paperwork, sitting all day inside this paperwork-crammed room. I signed up here to be on the frontlines, to offer my heart to humanity! My wife is Duty and my mistress is Honor, with all due respect, Officer Margaret Capet."

Meg smiled back. Let him learn, but no, it was not within her to let him slip without a last word from her. She was his head, even if he was her age by a few months. Theon was a new graduate, but Matthew was closer to hers. He would be about ten and nine. Why let this man younger than her talk her down? She would not stand for it. Her finger clasped around his rook.

"Do you understand truly what this means? As you said it yourself, your wife is Duty. As a member of _**my**_ division, do you truly comprehend your duty? Let the boy die. Let the man live – that's what it means to be a soldier, no matter what division you are put in, Lyall." He took a pawn from her. Meg quickly moved her piece closer to his formation.

"Our primary duty is to be on battles and expeditions," Matthew replied to her.

"_**That**_'s what you think."

At that, she took his king.

"Officer Lyall, you are dismissed. See me again tomorrow. I'll be keeping you closer to me than Officer Strong, do you hear? You will join me go to the capital for negotiations, you will join me to my trips in and out of the Walls and towns and cities as my steward and assistant."

"..yes, Division Leader." He turned his back.

* * *

"What are you reading?" Matthew asked her during breaktime.

"… The Legend of Melusina."

"What else do you read?"

"Poetry."

"What's your favourite lie of poetry?" At his question, her hands suddenly felt clammy. Her throat was dry. "My heart is set on a lusty pin," she replied back. "What of yours?"

Matthew looked back at her.

"_Eros shook my__mind like a mountain wind falling on oak trees," _he replied back. The table separating the two of them creaked. She smelled his breath – he smelled of the moss from Northern Sina, from the wood, of steel, leather, and somehow, oak. Faint ginger. His gray eyes smiled at her. He knew his Sappho, she thought, as well as she knew her own books. Maybe she could learn to like him.

"Meg." She heard his voice, eyes like holes in her back. How many times had he left her with no word, left her to clean up the messes? It was a strange relationship indeed, and she would have no more complains, for he had rejected her as a woman and as comrades, had their duties.

"Erwin." She smiled politely at Matthew, whose eyes went back to his meal. She turned her back and saw Erwin, standing, hair slightly messy from the wind, smelling of dried blood and Titans and the trees.

"Who is he?"

"He is my subordinate. He will be at my beck and call from now on. Commander Shadis insisted on having more members of my division. His name is Matthew Lyall and they called him Lord Lyall behind his back, for his manners."

"He better do his job, then." Meg nodded. "How has your trip been?"

"Many deaths. Still, I have to keep working."

Mike gave her a nod.

"Very well, then."

Understanding, maturity, what was it they called it? This new sense of renewal in this relationship she maintained with her friend? He had mentored her into running her head with strategies, watched her rise from a naïve soldier into a player. He had not given any limit to the kind of things they could and would've done. Her own fondness was there, but it no longer bordered on the lost love she bestowed on him.

"Do you play chess with him?"

"So what if I do? Erwin Smith, you have no right to tell me what to do because I'm the one in charge of my division, not you. My division, my orders, my vocation, not you."

He nodded, eyes darker and more grim.

"Shadis says your division, in the next expedition, would come with me."

"Of course." She said it cheerfully.

* * *

"What are we going to do?"

Meg took the candles in her hands, the wax sticky in her fingers. Her face was dark, her breath minty and shiver-inducing. Her skin was ice, her hair a dull fire. Her face had no color left, from the work.

"We're going to war in the battlefield. Shadis' squad is low on manpower, and we have a duty to them. We'll fight, and we'll bring the candles. For a time, the squads will merge. We will assist the weak, the dying, fight on the sidelines, deliver the messages. Remember our division, our words." As she spoke, she lifted the candle in front of her.

"What words?" Theon inquired of her.

"Let the boy die. Let the man live." Meg lit the candle. In the darkness, her face was paler than ever. Her eyes were wide, the words from her mouth divine and holy. "Remember that we fight for our dead comrades, remember our duties as soldiers, that the world is crammed with cruelty but we have a vocation, that this is God's will for us to continue fighting for this cause. We will never be sorry for all this." Her eyes scanned her members who were adding more with the passing time. There was Theon and Matthew, by her side, then Jane, Jon, Scott. "We will be remembered – and to do that, we will never have to be apologetic for every action we do from now on. This is the will we need to do!"

Jane and Theon and Jon and Scott whispered amongst themselves. Matthew was impassive, his eyes on their leader.

"Is that clear, Correspondence Division?"

"Yes, Leader!" Their voices were one. Meg silently prayed they had the will of God in them. They would need this. Outside, the world was crammed with treachery. She would not let them die so easily. Not with her at God's accord, not with her own will at it; she had a vocation and no one would bend them down. Not even Erwin Smith.

The door opened, spilling light.

"Let's go!"

* * *

Matthew sometimes couldn't help watching the woman who led his division. She wasn't like the women of his life – the mother he knew was gone, and little memories were given for her. He mostly remembered his brothers and his father and the sister he had left behind. This woman, this lady, in the guise of a military head who specialized in correspondence, was the one who ruled the Correspondence Division by thick and thin and she was an army of one even on her own. He had seen her eat silently, seen her work at her paperwork, seen her whisper urgently in the rising star, Erwin Smith's ear like she was his lover and Matthew's belly had riled up in disgust. For all he knew, Lady Capet was sleeping with Shadis' right hand man and his knees would buckle at the idea of this woman with saints' knees being linked with Erwin Smith.

She had saints' knees – Matthew had seen her kneeling, eyes wide, skin sweaty and pale and breathing prayers under her breath.

Worse was the words he heard, and it was more awful when he met her in person. To his relief, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, with hair the color of fire, her eyes water and her skin porcelain and pale and her figure womanly and tall and slim like a woman from the capital. She looked delicate and when she spoke, one wondered if she was a lady or a priestess. He couldn't resist looking at her, because really, she was stunning.

Capet – and there, he had it. A noble woman, with pride in her bearing and power in her blood, and cunning in her words, she had lied when she said that she comprehended little of politics. If she was telling the truth, then how would she and Erwin Smith not meet at Shadis' beck and call talking about the nobles?

_This woman is as delicate as a flower_, Matthew had thought, on his first expedition, riding. She rode well, beside Erwin Smith, her sight straight ahead. She was bookish and well-spoken, burning with a religious vocation that reminded Matthew of a lady and a princess.

"She's no soldier," Matthew told Erwin Smith at his side, when the lady had quickly turned her back and said to leave her alone at a point. Erwin Smith's grim reply was to shake himself, as if he was slightly amused. "She is young and she is only meant to –"

Titans ran on. Would she sacrifice herself?

An arrow sped past Matthew's area of vision and landed on the tallest tree within the range. When Matthew looked, he coughed. His division leader was holding up a bow. Attached to the arrow was a long rope.

"Jane, Jon, Theon, climb the rope and keep yourself from there!" she yelled. "Keep yourselves in line before you attack." She glanced at Matthew. "Lyall, follow me after I'm done with the Titan. I'll go confront the Titan that first comes." She slipped her bow in her 3DMG and pulled out her blades.

"Meg," Erwin began, but she cut him off with a smile. Her smiles were scary. Wordlessly, she let her 3DMG wires attach far away from this point, and from there, whirred.

A Titan came into view ostentatiously about fourteen meters from where his leader had left. Matthew's first reply was to let his guard down. His blood expoded, his heart frozen. Yet a shape whirred into the Titan's direction. The shape's speed only increased with every second that passed – and into the tree behind the Titan landed an arrow with a steel string attached. In a fury of steel, the shape circled around the Titan and the tree – and the string had the Titan tied to the tree.

"Lyall," Erwin Smith said. "Look."

A red strand of hair flew by – and then Matthew realized who the figure was. When he looked back, he saw the blood spilled in the air – and a Titan that crumbled down the ground. At the tree, covered in Titan blood, smiled his division leader. Her hair was getting unkempt, and he could see red strands flowing down her shoulder.

The sound of enormous footsteps haunted the area.

"Let's get this started, shall we?" She beamed politely and whirred ahead of them, the smile quick and scheming.

Matthew looked back at Erwin Smith.

"Silk hiding steel," said the man grimly. "A woman no one wants to mess around with, too." No wonder, Matthew concluded at the end of the day, people said boys wanted to be her.

* * *

"Keep your weapons on!" She spoke gingerly, her voice shaking with that fervent devotion saints were capable of. "I'm sure you already know what you should do."

She hadn't flinched. She hadn't cried. So much blood in one day – Erwin Smith had gotten a scar in his back, and Matthew a cut in his arm, and Theon a long scar. She had asked them to take their shirts off and put her hair up, as she cleaned the injuries and nursed them and told them to take care of themselves or else she would have Shadis kick their asses.

In Matthew's mind, maybe, maybe, that he could enjoy her as a person, with her mind. For all her niceties, there was iron in her that he didn't think he would find. For the time he spent with her, he observed her, this night, as she sat beside Erwin Smith, eating. He whispered in her ear, and she nodded, and she whispered in his ear, too, and then she would light the candles for every person they had lost in the military and she would murmur a few prayers in the fire.

Her hand held onto her book, and she let her head lower, her eyes closed.

"Are they nice to her?" Erwin asked in the darkness.

"They are. I don't see why that's your business. You're in Shadis' squad and while she is your comrade, she has her own place."

"I was just noting something."

"What else is there to note?" Matthew scowled.

"You and her."

"Nothing's going to happen with me and her. Has she told you that she has saints' knees?"

"Saints' knees?"

"From kneeling so long that it took a toll on her." Matthew let his eye on her. In the darkness, she lay in the floor, her hair messy and eyes closed and her hand clinging to the book with the picture of a mermaid in a tub. "She must have been so prayerful for a child. She must have believed she could do anything for a will."

"She still does."

* * *

_There was an explosion, and crystal rising from the ground. In the sky, two birds flew freely. There was the blowing of wind – and a hint of red cloth from a scarf._

"_Fall."_

_Then she saw blurs – blond hair in a Titan's mouth, and then a woman's blood-smeared mouth crushed on a tree, her hair strawberry blonde, her eyes wide open. _

_A black-haired woman brushing her hair, then a scaffold, with what seemed to be a man hanging from it, blond hair to be followed by a pair of bare feet under a kirtle walking in the street, copper locks covering face, while people yelled at her. A short man at the table of a bar, then an older man with loaded weapons._

* * *

Meg woke up with a jolt. Her hair, loose, fell over her shoulders. Her shoulders heaved, her chest rose and fell, as liquid trickled from her face. She stood up from the makeshift bed, cloth and blanket and capes, her heart racing and hands sweaty and shaking. In the middle of the site, burned the bonfire.

She rubbed her hands together, as she tried to comprehend those things she had seen. There was a blond man in a scaffold, like the Hanged Man. There was a short man with black hair inside a bar, with a gun. A blond inside a Titan's mouth, and a girl with a red scarf, a woman with blood in her mouth crushed on a tree. It made her think of what had to be done. God, she prayed, God, tell me.

"Are you well?" Matthew's voice – and when Meg looked, she saw Matthew, dressed in a gray sweater, with his coat over him.

"I had a vision," she replied curtly.

"You look cold." He slipped the coat off him and placed it on her shoulders. "Have this for a while."

"I can't accept that, I'm your superior – "

"You're my superior and therefore, you need to be taken care of, too," he snapped back. "What did you see?"

"I saw the Hanged Man, a man with blond hair. I saw a girl with a red scarf, crystal around her. There was man in a bar, fighting an older man. I saw a girl dressed and soaked in her kirtle while it rained and people mocked her." Meg wiped her face with her handkerchief.

"Do you understand what it means?"

Meg closed her eyes.

"I think I do."

* * *

"I remember my home a lot," she said, during the night, at the campfire, when she wasn't playing chess. "I don't know why, but the memories just keep going back to me lately."

"What was your home like, Leader?" Theon asked.

"Well, it was large. We had orchards and gardens, and I remember enjoying being able to be with my loved ones. If there was a bird that had a broken wing, I would tend to it. I learned my lessons quick and well, and I loved debating with my brother about things. We had a large library and I loved the books so well. Then there was a chapel, where my mother used to meditate."

"Were you so prim, even back then?" asked Jane shyly.

"I was taught to be that way. The most unladylike thing I did was to sneak out of my sewing sessions and lock the door in my chapel and kneel for hours. I got my knees because of kneeling so much it got me in trouble."

She giggled.

"Who taught you?"

"Some nice teacher. My father wanted a man from within the Walls to teach me more about history. My father went to town one day, and we came to this school. My father wanted to hire him, and the teacher had a young son. When we came back a month later, I saw his son and I saw him crying and gave him my handkerchief."

She looked away, into the night sky and blinked.

"That's enough for today," she announced.

* * *

"Do you understand what you are doing?" Jack had asked Shadis the night he had left for Shiganshina to help Dr. Jaeger cure the people with the plague. Shadis had looked him squarely in the eye and nodded and told him to do his job because he was Jack Lithgow, the most good-looking boy in his batch, who had been one of the best, who was stuck for years in Shiganshina, living with the Jaegers as Grisha's helper, and a babysitter to Eren.

"Have you ever wanted to go outside of the Walls?" Eren had asked him today, while Jack was making a cup of hot tea for himself.

"I did."

"Really?"

"Yes, I did." Jack sighed.

For a moment, he remembered that day in Trost. He remembered her words, her desire to see the world outside, her curiosity, her delight.

"Did you know someone else who would want the same?" Eren asked on.

"I did. She was a friend."

Then Eren had gone.

How many more years would he stay here? Jack was unnerved by the idea. He had heard much news – Erwin Smith was rising with power, and as for Meg, there was more. Charlie even was in a relationship that was functional, Jack had heard, when he saw Mike pass by. Levi only grew stronger, shrouded in mystery and pushing himself to be a good leader.

When would he finally go back to the base?

* * *

First thing in the morning, Erwin saw her by the tent she shared with Matthew, her arms crossed over her chest, wearing a gray shirt that was too big for her and a coat that was Matthew's size, her hair loose and her lips a pallid line. She seemed to be as if she was waiting for him – and outside of the tent, Matthew was producing heat with his hands. The smell of fire abounded in the air and red flames were in the ground, and he tried to cook.

Meg raised her hand and waved Erwin to come nearer to her.

"We need to talk. I insist."

When he did, she quickly grabbed his shirt and pulled him inside the tent. In the darkness, there was only her, in those clothes too large for her.

"Care to explain to me what we are really supposed to do?" She fixed him with a stare. "What did Shadis tell you? Or better yet, what have you done? I don't want my squad dying in their first expedition because of some spot-on strategy you've cooked up. Did you hear me?" The smile was gone, and then, he saw it wasn't the lady but she herself who was worried.

"Meg. This is confidential."

"Do you not trust me? I'm your queen, you're the king and Levi's the knight. That's the thing you promised me. Pray, tell, I need you to tell me the truth. Tell me that because we are friends, you can trust me." Her hand squeezed on his wrist.

"Just keep it under wraps." She nodded.

"Our squads together, we're supposed to meet with Shadis' main force in the North. Charlie is with Humanity's Strongest, and the leader of that squad let her go to Trost quickly, because she needed rest and she got an injury. Braun will follow after her, after we meet with him. Shadis wants to capture new land, for a base. He needs us both."

"Clear as crystal."

"Meg."

"What?"

She tucked a strand of her loose hair behind her ear, her eyes fixed and her smile fresh and clear.

"You're not fooling around with anyone, are you?"

"Why the hell would I go do that?" She let out a giggle.

"Shadis is approaching!" Theon yelled. "There's also a raven!"

"I'll get dressed, I look awful," Meg grumbled. "Don't peek. Do you hear that? If you peek, I'll shove your head down the toilet in the base when we get back."

* * *

_Meg_

_I need your help._

_Can you kindly go to the Reiss lands?_

_-Frida_

_This is an emergency!_

The note was hastily scribbled, and crumpled; it was obvious that the writer had been in a hurry. In Meg's hands, it was all she needed to learn. The squads had merged with Shadis' forces, and now, they were on the move in extreme emergency. Her hands shook as she bent her head, heart beating fast. At the head of the line, Braun looked over her with concern, with Shadis.

"Are you okay?" he called over.

"I have an urgent matter to attend to!" Meg yelled back, her voice shaking. "Commander, please hear me out, for I have something buried in my chest and I wish to be honest with you all!" First, the news that Wall Maria had been breached – and now, Frida was in trouble? She had only gotten the note from a raven that had landed on the ground just now.

"What is this impending matter, Capet?"

Meg bit her lip.

"I just got a note from my friend in the nobility, the Reiss, Frida Reiss, she needs me as soon as possible. If possible, I will go split ways from this squad, and go ahead to Wall Sina. I request permission to do this!"

"What of your squad? They need you, too," Braun urged.

"I will watch over her!" Matthew shut them all up with a cold look that could have made anyone freeze in fear. He was a wolf in anger, and everyone save for Erwin, Meg and Shadis could take it in fear. "I will not let any harm come to Leader."

"My squad goes with me, unless there are those who wish to continue with them. For those who want to go on with this mission, then, I will see you in the base, and I expect you to make the full report," Meg retorted. "I am needed within Wall Sina."

"Do what you have to, then," answered Shadis. "Thatcher taught you what needed to be done."

Erwin craned his head and nodded, and then she returned his nod with a cheerful smile, and from there, split the way.

"Braun, Charlie's waiting for you!" Meg called one last time.

Braun had grinned back.

"I will go back to her! That's a promise!"

* * *

"Matthew, is there something that ills you?"

They had arrived within Wall Sina, now in the Reiss territory. The sky was dark, and there were white gases scattered in the night sky. Their land was rich, mostly made for farming and labor, Meg noted, as she moved, her heart beating loudly in her chest. Behind her, she heard Matthew take in inhales.

"…"

"Matthew, I need to know what's your problem." In the darkness, she took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I.."

"You…"

"I'm worried about my sister."

"What of your sister?"

"Last time I saw her, she was in Shiganshina. She was a child, and she was only ten. In five years, she would almost be a woman. I know not whether or not if she lives."

"Tell me of your sister. Once we go back, I can send a search party to find her."

"Aria." He squeezed her hand back. "Her name was Aria Lyall, and she was good with a horse. She was fond of blue roses, horses and climbing trees and strategies and I fear she might be lost forever, all alone in Shiganshina with barely anyone left. She had dark hair and gray eyes and a small face. Skinny, and thin and plain. She loved putting up a fight."

"Matthew, I will find her. One day. I promise you that."

"Do you, really?"

"Yes, I do." Meg looked back at him and looked ahead. "Matthew," she added. "I mean, Lyall, please tell me about your sister."

Matthew smiled. When he smiled, she saw a handsome boy who was bound to his duty. "Aria is ten, and my father loved her so. I think he saw in her our aunt. Our aunt was a legendary beauty within Wall Sina. My father, you see, he lived as a blacksmith in Shiganshina, and my aunt was a lady." He bit his lip. "Do you wish to hear more?"

"I command you to."

"Very well." Matthew sighed. "Our aunt was a bright woman. She was clever and good at a horse, an unconventional beauty. She wanted to be a man, with a man's interest. She enjoyed archery and hawking and hunting and swordplay, would have held a sword if my lord grandfather would have allowed her to. My father could have been the house lord of the Lyall family."

So no wonder Lyall was a familiar name. Nobles, they were one of the most honourable clans.

"Due to my aunt's scandal, my father was imposed into exile in Shiganshina. He lived there, with me, my elder brother and Aria. We were three, and to support us, my father made a living as a blacksmith and as a teacher of fencing and he took in apprentices. My elder brother Paul, he stayed behind to watch over Aria. My mother, she died after a plague after giving birth to Aria. Aria's the youngest, and she is… wild. She is hard to watch over – she had a quick temper, and a liking for the same things that my aunt did."

Like aunt, like niece, Meg noted.

"She liked to jump into rivers, she enjoyed climbing trees and wandering the streets when not at her books with our father. Our father wanted to make sure we were educated as if we were still not in exile. My sister is still a child, and she is very intelligent, she is more studious than I am, and she gets bored easily."

"Well, I want to hear more."

"She loved blue roses, she loved it when she took walks barefoot and holding her books and having someone talk to her of learning. She dearly loved to learn. She's also stubborn. She wanted to help make a living so she often went around selling things from out of nowhere. She would beg on the streets. She would do anything to live." Worry flooded his words. "If she survives, I fear for her."

"I hope she will survive."

"If she survives, then she will might as well fall into darkness. She would realize that the world is indeed crammed with cruelty and lose her heart as well. She is all I have left, with my family."

"Matthew."

"Leader?"

"Call me Meg."

From the vantage point, Meg saw it finally – the ruins of what seemed to be a chapel. The squad entered it. The roof was destroyed, and it was majorly ruined. How could someone damage the roof if not for a Titan?

No Frida.

No clues.

Where was Frida?

It was her turn to have her heart beat so fast, her hands clamming down that her face was shining with sweat, her breath puffing and huffing. Where was Frida? The anxiety bit and clawed her insides. Where was she? There was nothing. Nothing to see, nothing left, but the sense of space that had nothing inside. Hollowness and a sense of grief and foreboding that crept like the ripper, which was it was.

"…What are you looking for?"

When Meg turned, it was Lord Reiss, face lined.

"Frida." Meg ground her teeth and her hands scrunched the man's shoulders. "Where is she, pray, tell?"

"Meg –"

"Where is she?"

"She…"

Lord Reiss looked away.

She is gone.

Was that he meant to say?

_I have lost a sister_, Meg thought. For all her vocation, for all the prayers, was this what she got? Was it a lost cause? Frida was innocent, and why did this happen? Frida. Frida. The dark-haired woman who wanted Meg for a sister, the woman who helped her in the capital, just the girl Meg could have loved like a sister and the woman who was nice to everyone; Meg's insides were hollow.

"Very well, then. Lord Reiss, have this chapel fixed. Do it for Frida. I'm sure she would want that."

* * *

The mist fell over, a sheet. Was it witchcraft? Charlie had told him it was still possible. For a possibility, even Meg could cast a spell over them. As far as he knew, Meg would and could never do such a thing. She was always smiling. She's always scheming behind that smile of hers, Jack Lithgow had warned him, during an expedition, you wouldn't know than to be charmed by her beauty and her manners and her kind heart. You shouldn't put more trust me when it comes to her, Jack had added. For your ultimate Meg Capet gossip experience, the better to ask Erwin Smith directly. He knew her better than those smiles she loved to present to people and that cheerful act.

Out there, he had a mission. Capture a base – and then go back to her. Braun would have loved to see her again. She would be proud of him. Maybe then, maybe then, he would finally hear her voice and make a reply to his statements to her, no matter how cryptic they were. She was a simple woman, after all, and he a simple man. He didn't want Mistress Meg's smiles, even if anyone would kill for them. He didn't want Erwin Smith's greatness, or Levi's strength. He didn't want Shadis' authority. He didn't want the schemes Erwin Smith played, nor any of the mystique that Meg presented with herself. None of them would have clean hands, and what he did wish for was clean hands. Hands to build lives, hands to touch her face and her hair and hands to massage her shoulders when she was stressed and mulling and moaning over her past and her mistakes, and then maybe, maybe, he would be happy to do that all for her.

A simple life with her, and he would bring her home, and let her meet his mother. She was waiting too long for him and she needed a companion.

Sandy hair and gray eyes, and a smile that was like the sun – Braun wanted her smiles. He wanted her. He wanted Charlie, the sun who shone and danced so unabashedly. He wanted the times in the rain, walking and dancing under the rain, because Charlie said it was a good ritual to chill out, and walking under the moonlight, because she felt free like a bird. With her, he had freedom and with her, he would do anything.

He had sworn her his love. He had sworn her his word all.

"Return to me."

She had told him before he left for every mission he had gone to. She would wave to him and blow kisses and hug him. Then she would call to him to return to her.

"I always do!"

And he had.

Two years of this, and now this.

Braun propelled his horse forward, and kicked. Just like the way Meg had taught him to, and Charlie had drilled into him.

"What happens after this for you and Hunter?" Erwin asked, from behind him. Braun blushed slightly. He could tell his comrade seemed envious.

"I'd return to her, as always. I'd ask her to stay with my mother and we would get married. We would have a family."

"That sounds nice."

"How about you?"

"No family for me in sight."

Braun sighed. Erwin had a woman problem.

"Really, if you just asked her to run away with you, I think she would do it in a heartbeat."

"…really?"

"Yes. I am sure of it. High possibility guaranteed. If you want your own family, you'd ask her."

"Who do you mean?"

"Mistress Meg, of course. I've seen the way she looks at you. She **smiles** on you." From behind, there was male laughter, amusement. "She used to blink a lot when your name is mentioned, she pinks when I say your name, and one time she was cleaning she was singing to herself a love song."

"…"

"Ask her," snorted Ethan, a man with dark hair.

"This is absolutely no time for gossip!" Shadis' voice broke the rumble of laughter and amusement. "Remember our objective!"

Braun averted his gaze.

Oh, right.

"Ready for battle! We have one target! Take it down if it is the last thing you do!" Shadis' command echoed through the thrush of trees they sped by. Braun braced himself as his hands tightened around the rein.

"Distance to target, 400 meters!" Braun yelled. "It's coming our way!"

_**Charlie**_.

* * *

The bells rang, and what Jack did was to make sure he looked presentable. Buttoning his shirt and his coat, he smoothed his short hair, and made a run for the center of the town, his eyes blazing and his hands clammy and cold. Finally, the Scouting Legion was back! He would see Shadis at last! Shadis – and Erwin and Meg! Jack itched to see the two; he had heard gossip about the two of them being linked to one another so closely.

From the corner of the street, he could see the remains of the army. He saw men who lost their limbs – one man, Ethan, he had lost an eye. Another had his arm broken. Some were limping, trying to make it on their own. Their spirits were down, and gloom hung over them like rain over the sea.

This was supposed to have been the day Jack was waiting for – the day he would greet Shadis from his expedition and tell him his work was done. The stay at Shiganshina had been extended due to Jaeger needing more help – and that included babysitting Eren. The kid had been a brat, and something in the adopted Asian girl reminded Jack of Levi.

Erwin Smith passed by, his eyes grimmer than ever than in the years Jack had known him.

Jack itched to throw the man an egg and a tomato in the face, but hell, it would ruin his reputation with Erwin. Mentioning the word anal to Levi in correspondence too would be awkward; he wondered if Mistress Meg flinched when she looked over Jack's letter to Levi. Mistress Meg was with Erwin – but why was she not here? Jack was preparing himself yesterday to see the woman's lip in Erwin's ear, whispering something.

Erwin glanced directly at Jack, and Jack's belly lurched uncomfortably. Then he glanced away.

_Good._

In the front, Shadis' face was lined.

"So few of them are returning," whispered a man. "It's been awful this time as well…"

"Braun! Braun!" A woman's voice screeched through the crowd. A bell rang in Jack's head. The first person he had seen in his head was Braun – and then followed by Charlie Hunter. Jack knew more to predict that Charlie would establish this rapport with Braun. Braun was Hunter's closest male friend, a new friend to others, a man she relied on. He had heard tales of the two of them. They were devoted to each other.

Was this the same Braun Charlie was linked to?

Now that Jack himself realized it, he hadn't seen Braun in the fray.

An old woman came running to the front. Her gray eyes were livid, and her mouth was wide. She dropped to her knees in front of Shadis, incredulous and shaking.

"Excuse me, my son… I can't see him. I can't see my son Braun." Her lips shook. "W-What happened to him?!"

Shadis looked ahead.

"It's her, Braun's mother. Bring it here."

Charlie… Jack paled at the thought. Things were messier now.

The woman backed away, shocked.

A fellow soldier walked by. He carried a package wrapped in white linen. The soldier placed the package in the woman's hands. The woman began to furiously unwrap the package, rolling layer by layer, and then, the moment of truth.

A hand lay underneath the folds.

The woman squeaked. She began to sob.

"That was the only part of him we could salvage." Her sobs came out. Louder than ever before, they were songs.

"But… my son was useful, right?" She looked up. "It doesn't have to be anything outstanding! He contributed! His death contributed toward Humanity's retaliation, did it not?"

More mumblings.

Shadis' eyes locked.

"It was all for naught! We didn't make any progress at all! I've been a failure, getting soldiers killed right and left! We didn't discover anything about the Titans!"

Jack's teeth pierced his lip. He pierced it then he tasted metal in his mouth, through his saliva.

Charlie had lost a lover. He shuddered. Would it mean Erwin lost Meg, too? And Meg… Jack turned his back and continued to walk.

He would have to leave.

He had an omen something bad would happen.

Either way, his work was done.

* * *

"Charlie will be broken if she knows this," Erwin heard Ethan grumble.

"Charlie…" a man murmured. "I don't know. I knew they were close. I guess his death would be hard. Death is rather a hazard."

Erwin kept his eyes on the road.

He knew better.

Braun's letters in the sky spelled son, lover, friend. That was the way it meant. He was a comrade. He was a lover, a man who loved from afar, no matter how far. His loss was just like any loss.

"Let the boy die. Let the man live," Braun had told him.

"Why did we leave his arm to his mother?" Ethan asked Shadis.

Shadis had no reply.

"We could have given it to Cadet Hunter."

"What about Cadet Hunter?"

"Braun loved her."

"Did she love him back?"

Silence.

Charlie was a hard woman to love. That was what Erwin knew. A loose woman who loved getting into bed, but a complicated woman who relied on Meg for support. Could she have loved Braun?

Not even Erwin could answer the question.

"No one knows?"

Shadis sighed.

Defeat.

"Then I will have to tell her myself."

* * *

"Leave me alone."

They had arrived, and arrived late. Shadis' squad had arrived a day earlier in the base, and drizzle spilled.

Theon was leading the horses, Jane and Jon carrying the packs away and fixing everything. They shuddered away from her, every bit of the solemnity clouded by her mood. Sure, she needed to get away from people for a while. Being around people tired her out.

"Why?"

Matthew's voice whispered from behind her. Meg grit her teeth.

"I want to be alone, Lyall." In the rain, there was only the moon, she – and Lyall. The others were rushing inside the base. Her voice shook, and her shoulders shivered.

"You're wet, Leader. Let me take you somewhere warm. You need to get cleaned." Matthew's voice was trying its best to be soothing, but it broke with the realization that he no longer knew where his sister was. He held her shoulders, from her back, and her head was pressed closely to his chest. She could feel his heart beat, his warmth.

"Leave me alone!" She turned to face him. He was not crying, but his eyes were bloodshot and wide.

"Leader."

"Lyall. Take care of yourself first than me! You're my subordinate, not my boyfriend! Please!" She pushed him away from her.

Matthew took a step back. His cheek was wet, and his eyes were mirrors and smoke. He nodded politely.

"Please take care of yourself, too, Leader," he added, and he slipped inside the base.

The rain tapped on the ground – and it continued to pour. Meg lifted her face up to the sky, closing her eyes. Finally, I am alone, she thought. Her hand ripped the pins away from her hair and her mane of red fell to her waist, the copper locks wet with downpour.

First, Thatcher, and now, Frida? What kind of God allowed this? Frida had been her friend. Frida had been the kindest noble she had met, the kindest lady she knew. Frida, with her gentle manners, her easy confidence, and her smile, she had lit up Meg's world with her innocence and devotion to her own ideals. Frida had lived for others – and that made Meg love her so easily.

The water darkened her clothes; her uniform was so soaked she knew it would be practically see-through soon. Yet she didn't care.

Frida had been like her - a creature of porcelain. Frida was like the old Meg. The old Meg would have given her heart to anything like an idiot. Frida had been her clarity, her certainty those days. Frida had had so much to live for – she was a sister, a friend, a sweet sister indeed. Lucky could be the man who would have married her. He would have married a living angel.

The rain fell on, heavier and heavier.

Now, she was alone, and she had no one to understand her. Who would understand and love her like Frida did? No one knew and asked for her to be seen that way!

She took a breath. There was singing, and yet there was only her. For a minute, Meg opened her eyes and she spotted a pair of gray eyes watching her. Pale skin, gray eyes, black hair, and a nod, from a window upstairs.

Someone else must have died.

A window upstairs closed.

"Meg!" Erwin Smith opened the door to the base. He was solemn and dark, and ever more grim. The light in his eyes were dim, and his mouth no longer curved like before. For a moment, she thought, he could have been another person. She didn't need him at both states – she wanted to be alone. Goodness, who said being an introvert was easy? It was suffocating her.

"Yes?" Her whisper was broken.

"I'm sorry…"

Her fists balled.

"Tell me who died," she hissed, and then buried her face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent. "Please, tell me, who died. Pray, tell."

"When you're…"

"Just tell me!" Her demand was urgent, and her voice was breaking. Her shoulders were breaking, and every inch of her was wet and melting in the pool of rain. He just would never understand, would he? Please, not Charlie, Meg prayed. "I don't want you to try making me feel better, do you hear me? Just tell me!"

"…Braun was killed." Erwin took a step away. "I'll be back," he added, "I have to do the report myself; Shadis broke down when we arrived." He ran – and then Meg saw no more.

Braun. This was the man who had loved Charlie – the comrade to Meg. Braun loved honey, he loved Charlie, he wanted to be useful, for once. And he had departed the world, without knowing if Charlie really loved him.

Damnit, Meg's heart melted.

Her knees buckled – and she hit the ground. Her tears were ice, spilling, her hair over her face, her hands shaking. Frida and Braun. She had loved them.

Her nails dug into her hair and she shook in the middle of the ground, shivering, wet and her tears melting.

She started to howl, her nerves a wreck. For Frida, for Braun, for Thatcher, for the dead who had left her, and became stories in the end. Let the drain drench her. Let them leave her there, wet and shivering and crying.

After she howled, she stayed in the place, frozen. Footsteps came, and then something warm on her shoulders. She smelled strong black tea, cleaning equipment, and dried metal and blood. A small mouth telling nothing. Her vision blurred – and she let her eyes fall.

I don't want to cry no more, she remembered saying.

The rain poured on and on, and every minute she fell, she had sworn she would stand up. Fall seven times, stand up eight.

Shivering, pale, yet tight-lipped, she began to walk towards the base door, wet and red-faced and burning.

_It's only beginning_.

* * *

**Notes:** Two deaths! Since this is a heavy chapter, let's have some bloopers~

* * *

**Bloopers:**

(Meg sleeps on Erwin's shoulder.)

**Matthew**: Do you know that?

**Erwin**: That what?

**Matthew**: She snores and talks in her sleep. She says your name. As we speak, she dreams about you.

**Meg**: I can hear you two. And nope, that's not happening. So shut the hell up and let me sleep.

* * *

**Director:** Okay, this is the ball scene! Time to look lively.

**Meg:** Okay, Erwin, let's get this over with, okay?

**Erwin:** Sure.

(Music plays – and the song _Gentleman _by Pplays)

**Erwin:** I'm not going to dance the tango – LEVI?

(Levi steps in the center and starts dancing the Gentleman)

**Levi:** Meg, just ditch that dick and be the Ga In to my Psy so I can finally get the spotlight in this part. You won't get laid with him.

(He dances the arrogant dance)

**Meg:** (laughs) You want a dance showdown?

* * *

**Director**: Take two for the dance scene!  
**Meg**: Okayy!

(Trouble Maker by Hyuna and Hyunseung plays)

**Erwin**: ….

(Charlie and Braun start dancing Trouble Maker – and they rock it)

**Charlie**: Meg! Do this with Erwin!

* * *

**Director:** Take three!

(Music plays – and it plays Run Devil Run)

**Meg:** (starts to dance Run Devil Run)

**Erwin**: Meg, I thought you were going to dance the tango with me.

**Meg:** Sorry, bae, plans changed.

**Director:** Stop jinxing the music, damnit!

* * *

**Thatcher:** What do the weak do to the strong?

**Levi:** They fuck them.

**Thatcher:** That sounds wrong, you know…

* * *

**Erwin:** You must have hated me so much…

**Levi:** I did.

**Erwin:** But now, you love me. You want to seduce me.

**Levi:** That's fucking right. (starts stripping)

* * *

**Matthew:** Mistress – I mean, Meg, will you- Will you tell me about your favourite poets?

**Erwin:** Back off. She's mine.

**Meg:** Hell no! That wasn't in the script.

* * *

**Meg:** You know nothing, Matthew Lyall.

**Meg:** You know nothing, Levi Ackerman.

**Meg:** You know nothing, Erwin Smith! (cracks up) Oh, shoot, I sound like Ygritte!

* * *

**Charlie:** Look who's here. It's Commander Handsome – (cracks up) Oh shit, I'm so sorry I confused you for Erwin! Sorry, pal!

**Levi:** Whoa, thanks for the compliment.

**Jack:** Say, Hanji, do you like it up the ass?

**Hanji:** Whoa! Hell no! That wasn't even in the script!

* * *

**Erwin:** How is taking care of correspondence?

**Meg:** It's making me horny. Just kidding.

**Jack:** Do you like it up the ass?

**Levi:** I do. Let's get it on, shall we?

* * *

**Meg:** Listen, boy, my first love story, uh-oh-oh. My angel. (starts shaking her butt in the rain) And the girls. (spins) My sunshine. (starts dancing and singing Gee in the rain) GEE GEE GEEE BABY BABY BABY.

**Erwin:** I'll say.

**Meg**: This is dedicated to all those assholes who don't have enough balls to go chase after me! YES, EVEN YOU, ERWIN SMITH! (dances more)

(Camera zooms in Erwin)

* * *

(Meg dances Bubble Pop in the rain)

**Meg:** Hey boy –

**Erwin:** (stares) Don't you get tired of dancing?

**Meg:** Erwin. Join me! Let's dance!

**Erwin:** I don't know how to…

* * *

**Meg:** (hugs Erwin in the rain)

**Erwin:** …

**Meg:** Dude, your armpits smell.

**Erwin:** … are you insulting my deodorant?

* * *

**Levi:** I wasn't able to tell you this, but congratulations on getting the new position. (hands Meg flowers)

**Meg:** Flowers suck ass.

* * *

**Notes:** Hope you enjoyed the bloopers! Maybe next chapters will feature interviews! I just had to have Charlie and Braun dance Trouble Maker! The Tagalog song Kailan reminds me of Meg and Erwin oh god no. I actually have saved a Levi x Meg playlist in my laptop.

Headcanons: Meg's actress is pretty easygoing in real life and she is a huge nerd, she loves the Game of Thrones series and Kpop, while Jack's actor is a huge player. Erwin's actor is well, reserved and can be pretty by the book and delivers seriously every take, unless well, the people around him goof off and he gets affected.

I've been watching too much Park Shin Hye videos sorry about that!


	11. Porcelain To Steel

**EMPIRE**

**Chapter 11: Porcelain To Steel**

* * *

**Summary:** Her skin wasn't the sky, the summer. Not anymore – she felt silk, and steel, and snow.

* * *

"What happened to me?"

She had awoken in the infirmary, the smell of hot cinnamon tea waking her up. By her bedside, Matthew Lyall was looking back at her. No one else was there – just her in the infirmary, along with other invalids. Her uncle wasn't here either. The air made her shiver, and the actual reality of her being confined in the infirmary didn't make her smile. The blanket covered her and she frowned.

"Lyall! Explain this to me," she began.

"You had a fever and you were burning up in bed," Matthew explained. "You were out for three days. A raging fever and a cold as well as fatigue, a bad case."

"No visitors?"

Meg glanced at the flower vase. To her surprise, it was full. Daffodils, daisies, violets, and even simple roses were put on the vase. On the corner of the table was a bouquet of forget-me-nots.

"Who gave them?"

"The forget-me-nots? I don't know. I was asleep. Well, Jane and Jon and Theon came over with the other flowers. They wanted to thank you for taking good care of them. I…" He blushed beet-red. "I gave you roses. White ones."

_White. It means forever._ Meg felt her skin heat up. Did Lord Lyall just give his superior a flower that meant true love? For a moment, she was younger, a girl who wanted a hero to save her, but then her legs on the bed made her remember she was in her almost hitting adulthood, a soldier who was his superior, that love was the death of duty, that perhaps she'd never have what she yearned for, the smile of someone dear, the crying of a newborn, and the hope of a bright future of peace.

Matthew gestured to the book sitting on his lap. It was a collection of Sappho's poems.

"Maybe you can borrow it," he said, trying to force the sun into ice.

Meg's cheeks were on fire again.

"Really, it's no problem," she began.

The door burst inward.

Erwin was staring at them as if they were anomalies, and for a minute, Meg wanted to push him out the room. He held some paperwork, and his hair was combed neatly. However, the sense of grimness from him clung to the air.

"I made the report, but good thing someone got you in the infirmary. I was busy with paperwork." He locked eyes with her and took a seat beside Matthew. Meg saw Matthew's fist ball.

"How's Shadis?" Meg asked.

Matthew nervously swapped a look at Erwin.

"Well, he asked for you," Matthew explained. "And Erwin, too. The man had a breakdown and he's been in therapy for a week. How do you explain this? The man seems to have…"

"He lost his will," Erwin finished for Matthew curtly. "He asked to see you, but for three days, you were unconscious. The doctor, Field Medic Vane, your uncle, looked after you. He said you were overworking yourself." He frowned at her. "He said you had some excessive alcohol in your system."

"I got drunk one night," Meg admitted guiltily. She cringed and blushed. "Okay, I'll say it myself: I haven't been sleeping that well, because when I sleep, I see things."

"Explain the excessive alcohol."

"Matthew?"

Matthew looked at her.

"Can you leave for a moment?"

"Yes, ma'am."

He slipped out of the room.

"Okay, you want to hear the whole story about the alcohol?" Meg smiled nervously. Erwin nodded.

"Okay, after we went to see the fireworks, I slipped away and got drunk," Meg explained. "I had about twenty rounds."

He stared at her in shock. "Twenty? I didn't take you to be a drinker."

"Well, I liked this guy… and I told him how I felt and he said that we were just better off friends."

"What's he like?"

"Hmm, he's tall, handsome, manly."

"What's so great about a guy like that?" Ooh, burn.

Meg laughed. "Well, I did get heartbroken, and I decided to clear my head by drinking. I got drunk and…" _And I kissed someone._ She shrugged. "I passed out."

"No wonder you were missing. Mike said he saw you sneak out, and disappear. Levi asked to be excused after Hanji and Charlie hounded him to dance with them. You should have seen it when Hanji and Charlie switched partners and Charlie kept stepping on his foot."

"Tell me what I missed when I was passed out for three days due to overwork."

Erwin looked over his shoulder.

"A lot of people got promoted," he explained, "Hanji got promoted, and so did Mike. So did I."

Meg smiled.

"That's great! Once I'm recovered, I want to go drinking with you and Hanji and Jack!" Meg found herself chirping. Erwin held up a hand.

"Jack just arrived. He was asking for you as well. Well, all of us got promoted," he admitted. "Charlie… She still doesn't know."

Meg bit her lip.

"What about me? Is there any news for me?" she demanded, and attempted to stand up from the bed. Wobbly knees, she staggered, hair flinging across her body, in her nightgown. She quickly climbed down from the bed, roughly slipping from wood to wood surface, the nightgown trailing like a fishtail. She almost fell – but quickly, Erwin caught her by hand.

Meg slapped his hand away.

She straightened her back.

"A lot of people asked for you." His eyes flickered to the flowers. They retreated to look back at her. "Actually, I wanted to see you myself. Shadis resigned and he gave you and me respectively higher positions. For your work, you're now in charge of your own squad. You're a Squad Leader now. He wants you to oversee Lyall and train him into a fine officer. Anyway, maybe later, I'll pick you up to go out."

_Is this what you call a date?_ Meg sighed.

"Additionally, some people wanted to see you, too."

"EH?!"

Footsteps – and Meg found herself engulfed into a huge hug from a brown-haired woman with goggles and smelling vaguely of evaporated Titan blood.

"I MISSED YOU, YOU CUTIE!"  
"H-Hanji! I missed you too," Meg laughed nervously.

"You can't keep her to yourself!" insisted a girl's voice outside.

"Who's that?" Meg whispered.

"I'm Petra Ral!" A lass with strawberry blond hair and blue eyes marched in, dressed in military uniform. She looked quite young, and beside her, stood Levi, his arms folded, dressed in his uniform.

"She asked for you after word spread like wildfire that you were out for three days," Levi grumbled.

Meg smiled at him. _I hope he won't tell Erwin what happened when I was drunk_. Anyway, Petra Ral was here, and it made her relieved. In a flash, Meg found herself wrapped in Petra's arms. The girl smelled like the sun – happy and young and full of compassion that Meg ached to bury herself in the girl's shoulders.

"I missed you! I wanted to see you, so I asked Corporal Levi to take me to you! I was so worried about you. People said you were strong, but I got worried since Hanji said you never got sick."

"R-Really, I'm fine." Meg sighed. "I'm good enough to go. I'm planning on resuming my duties after this. I'm going to get dressed."

Petra's eyes widened. "Don't overexert yourself!" she begged. "I heard Field Medic Vane says you need rest!"

Meg quickly placed her forehead against the girl's and winked at her. She rubbed Petra's shoulder.

"Humanity needs my strength, first," she said.

[-]

"You didn't tell me your new position," Meg told Erwin, as they sat in the bar. Meg was chomping on some pasta, eating like an animal. Getting dressed was no problem. Petra had given her flowers, and Hanji had asked Meg to see her as soon as possible, and had run off to go make toilet jokes with Levi, and Meg had gotten dressed in the latrine as fast as she could.

"I…" He snorted. "Squad Leader Margaret Capet. It sounds perfect."

Meg rolled her eyes. "I beg your pardon, don't change the subject," she went on, scowling darkly.

"Just like you."

"I'm not," she replied. "You should know better than to flatter me." She giggled. Years of politics with him taught her better than dreaming.

"So it's working, huh?"

"Nope. I had a vocation, remember. I'm still a girl underneath that. We had an agreement and it didn't stipulate any mutual love interest between the two of us. I press for you, sir, to tell me your new position or else I swear I'll write to nobles that you have a bad sense of humor and you still wet the bed."

"Not going to happen. I'm the Commander now."

Meg grinned.

"Well, I think we'll be working closer than ever."

"It all works to plan," he replied. "Hanji and you and Levi and Mike are higher-ups. Jack became an officer, and so did Charlie. It's exactly the way Thatcher wanted us close together."

"Remember the agreement you and I stipulated? We've been together for more than a year. You and I have had our fair share of arguments," Meg told him. "Still, I'm really curious… about… about what I mean to you. You're now the Commander, and I'll follow you anywhere to lead us out of the darkness."

He smiled.

"I meant nothing romantic about it, Meg. You're… You're beautiful, intelligent, dedicated and a hardworking soldier. I doubted if anyone could raise any passion in you."

"Really, sir, no one can do that. I am guided by my vocation."

"You're still young. I'm sure you've loved someone the way I did. I've only loved from afar. I'm fine with my decision."

"So you're a courtly lover? Well, that's okay, I guess." It did appeal to her, the stuff of stories. She would fall for the statement, but instead, the notion held little meaning realistically. Levi had shown her that.

"_Guys_."

Charlie had arrived, and she took a seat. Her shoulder-length hair was shorn short, framing it. Her coat was black and she had dark circles under her eyes.

"Charlie."

"Tell me about Braun," she hissed at Erwin. "He died, I know – but let me hear from you directly about that!"

"He wanted to marry you, Charlie. He died without knowing if you really loved him. He gladly gave his life for the cause."

Charlie fell to her knees.

"Charlie, have a drink."

Meg gave her a cup, and as soon as the sandy-haired woman took it, she enveloped Meg in a tight embrace.

"I missed you. I almost lost you."

Charlie wept, tears wetting her face. "I'm not going to let some fucking man or Titan take you away from me, not without a fight."

[-]

"Matthew?"

"What is it?"

It was another day in the Correspondence Division area. Theon and Jon and Jane and Matthew were at work. Papers were being sorted, and Matthew hovered by her side, her shadow, as her first official subordinate and bodyguard. Erwin, as the new Commander, had arranged a common room for all the higher-ups where they could meet and work together as far as concerned.

"I want a search party looking for your sister," Meg ordered. "I also want to investigate Frida Reiss' death."

"Clear."

[-]

There she was, every bit a Squad Leader, with the bearing of a queen. Shadis looked at her, and for a moment, he almost remembered Caroline, with her quick wits and forceful ways. This girl, however, she had the heart of a mystic and the style of a queen in her bearing.

"You asked for me."

"I've made my decision, Capet. I intend to make this quick. Congratulations on your promotion. You'll surpass Thatcher."

"Thank you, sir. I have a favour to ask. I want you to find a brunette somewhere in Trost. Her name's Aria Lyall."

"Sure, I will."

[-]

_Dear Lord Reiss,_

_I request permission to investigate the cause of your daughter's death. As her friend, I insist that I have a right to learn what really happened. _

_-Squad Leader Margaret Capet _

_Dear Petra,_

_I am so grateful you came to visit me! I'd like to see you soon, so we can eat and talk. In personal, you are much brighter than the sun. You are a treasure and you are precious beyond all the world. No words can express my gratitude in its highest form. Nonetheless, I remain your sweet elder sister. _

_-Meg_

_Dear Lady,_

_I am sorry, but I cannot allow you to investigate. Please respect my daughter's memory as it is._

_-Lord Rod Reiss, Head of House Reiss_

Meg pursed her lips and pinned the reply letter on her stack of files. She stole a look at Hanji, Matthew, and Mike, who were staring at her as if she had a bitch fit. Yeah, right, like she even had those. She pulled out her pen and started writing only to stop halfway.

"What did he say?" Hanji asked, leaning forward.

"He wouldn't let me investigate." Lord Reiss had more excuse to act this way. It was suspicious. "I think he is hiding something from me. For all I know, he knows something about Frida. He was there when I arrived, and Matthew told me his tracks were still fresh." An idea hit her head, and she smiled.

"If you need investigating, well, you can bring Matthew with you, and since it's Reiss territory, Levi is game," Hanji pointed out.

"Like he's going to agree with this," Mike argued. "Knowing Erwin, I wouldn't be keen on the idea bringing Levi along is good."

"I just need someone stealthy. I'll collect data, inspect the crime scene and piece together evidence and alibi." Meg pouted. "Of course, I'll lead this in secret, knowing my reputation." She cringed at the thought but then, what else did that leave her with? Frida had left a hole in her heart. "Erwin doesn't need to know. A man hugs everything the world has to give him. Women, they know secrets. We have the best secrets, the best stories."

She smiled, as she pulled another sheet of paper and wrote down on it.

"Where's Levi, though?" Meg heard Mike ask.

"He's got a new squad. Charlie and Jack are tagging along. Those three wanted to catch up, they wanted to bring Meg along as well as Petra but Meg felt like being quiet."

"Lyall? Mike?"

"Yes?"

"Lyall, I want you to scout there with me." Meg slipped on the green military cape ahead of her. "We're going to ask around for alibis."

[-]

"Why didn't you see Meg in the infirmary?" Charlie asked him, blunt. Jack scowled.

"Well, I wanted to clear my mind. For a minute, I thought she was dead because she wasn't with Erwin when I saw Shadis in Shiganshina. Now, I don't know why but I'm relieved she is."

After that, Jack rode on ahead of her, wanting to take in the air of the outside world.

"Hunter."

"Midget." The antagonism was well-met. Midget, she called him, with the intention of a dragon guarding his gold. Hunter, he called her, the name of her mother. She hadn't taken her father's name after he had deserted her. She could have had Braun's name, too, she thought, but it was a lost cause for she had lost him to Erwin Smith and the Titan cause.

"I'd like to apologize for your loss. You're blaming Erwin, aren't you?"

Charlie steeled herself. He was not telling a lie at this one. Midget was pretty observant, after all, she noted. Damn Erwin Smith and his good looks, damn Erwin Smith for the power he had over Meg and her cause. Damn him to hell with the Titans. How many men had Shadis and Erwin Smith led to death? The fortunes of war, Meg would reason, but there would be pain in her eyes. Charlie knew the lady, and the girl within. For all her blind devotion to Erwin, she had a soul.

"Fuck Erwin Smith," Charlie snapped. She spat on Midget's face – and he quickly dodged it, riding ahead, then curved to ride at her side. "He took away the best thing I ever had! Fuck you, too!"  
Charlie's hands ground the reins.

"Fuck the world," she growled. They had taken the best of her. Her father had left behind her mother. Her best friend was under the spell of a murderer and for all God knew, what were those things she was doing with the murderer? For all the sexual tension between Levi, Meg and Erwin, Charlie looked at it now with the blatant anger of a woman scorned. They had taken her Meg, and they had taken her Braun and they would lead her to her death.

The world had been her enemy all along. The Titans crawled over her head. Braun's ghost hovered all along her. He followed her. She saw his arms around her, she saw his head on her shoulder, she saw Braun on her head, kissing her, when she thought she was fooling around and thought it was not love but just close friendship with a chemistry that made her feel like she was on fire. This must be what Meg feels, she had thought, to be around someone who makes you feel like you are alive and you feel like he and you are one.

He hadn't given up on her. At class, when she whispered in Meg's ear, she remembered his eyes on her, and at Valentine's Day, she'd find a wild dandelion and daisies and roses on her vase and written in a nice script, From your secret admirer. For three successive years at training, he had given her them. He hadn't been lying when he said he wanted her.

He had waited five years for her. How often did you find love like that?

"Hunter, you're crying."

Charlie wiped away the tears and glared at him.

"You don't know what it's like to love and lose!" she hissed. "Maybe one day you'll love – and lose the person you love."

He blinked.

"May the earth swallow up the woman you'll love. May she slip away from you in the bleakest of moments, may she never realize that you returned her feelings, may she die with the bitterness of death that I have suffered. I swear it," she seethed venom.

"You're a soldier, Officer Hunter," Midget returned, acid evident in his tone. "Act like one."

_I am._

[-]

The anxiety dribbled. All alone again, Meg thought. Matthew was out, in his break. Hanji was getting new Titans. She looked around – and saw that the plants were practically dying. The tea wasn't needed. Slipping out some ink, pen and paper, she started to write poetry, out of the making of the water, an inkling of her soul, her heart's desires, where she buried underneath the girl who dreamed. The innocence was fresh, it kept her whole and her rib, and longing made a pathway for creativity to take over.

_Seduce me with your words,_

_Tell me your thoughts_

_Take me away to 'nother world_

_Where all is fair and well_

_In love, war, peace and pain._

_We live in a world alone_

_That's what we think._

_Wrap me in your arms_

_Tell me I am safe_

_We are one_

_That's what we think_

Lounging in her longing, the lasting River of Lethe flowed in her veins, and the pen was her armor. There, she wrapped herself in her vision and dreams, for they were what she had once lived for, and to indulge in them was no sin. A girl could only hug the realm of secrets for she knew them in the spring, in the step she took, the secrets she stole. Writing poetry it became, this daydream of young courtly love – but what formed inside the vivid glass ball of her visions was something better.

_If I cannot have courtly love_, _I always can hope for something better._

A family – she ached for her brother's hugs, her sister's cries, the thumping of the hooves of her own steed; she ached for the sudden slops of tea she slipped while running around. _Every bit a perfect lady – except for those times_, her maid had admonished. That time, when she was bringing tea to her father, and she had tripped on a piece of wood and ended up spilling the tea on herself, and then she recalled the time she was getting a book, and she fell flat on the floor.

_I want a family, if my work is done…_ She let the dust tickle her face as she tapped the pen on another blank space.

_A passionate kiss, a smile, a heated look exchanged while within the walls – the walls hid them, _she thought. She thought on of flowers_ on her bed, the brush on her back and the quick smile, and the smell of something neat, the pain and the pleasure of being able to be loved properly_. She wondered how it was.

"Meg?" Erwin's voice boomed from the wood on the other side of the door. "Can you make me tea?"

She quickly signed _Margaret C_ at the back of the piece of parchment and rising from her post, proceeded to sign the paper with a flourish. Rising from her perch, she poured tea on a cup and placed the cup on a tray and proceeded to enter his office.

His office was a mess. Papers scattered and strewn, and his head was bent over maps and papers.

"Commander?" He looked up. "You know, you can still call me Erwin."

"Fine." Meg sighed and took a step within the room – and then her foot slid on something rough and soft and squishy. Her world spun, and she found herself looking at the ceiling.

"Are you fine?" Erwin's face hovered above her own and his palms pressed over the floor near her. Something caught her eye and she quickly blushed.

"Erwin, your shirt has a stain."

His palm brushed her back, and she was helped up to her feet. Placing her on a chair, Erwin's finger quickly flew to his shirt and he unbuttoned it.

She looked away.

"Why so shy?" Erwin chuckled, dry and without humor. "We took a bath together, remember? Besides, the shirt was dirty."

"Erwin, need I remind you when I took a bath with you, I was fifteen and I wasn't staring at you. We've done it four to five times, and I still find the thought of you sharing a bath with me incredibly awkward."

He laughed grimly.

"Really? Maybe I should change that. We're adults now, you know." He clasped her chin and turned it so she could face him. "Look at me in the eye."

She raised a brow.

_God's thumbs!_ Nervously, she eyed the amount of muscle on his skin. Inwardly, she sighed. Compared to Erwin, she was tiny and had minimal muscle. Carrying the 3DMG made her feel like Atlas; it made her back ache.

"Really, this is your first time seeing a man half-naked. You're still a child." He leaned forward, the eye contact so close. Meg felt her face heat up more.

"I'm not a child," she retorted back. "I'm every bit a woman, Erwin. It's just…" Meg groaned.

"Just what?"

What was wrong with him?

"Just…" Meg inwardly groaned at her inability to produce words. Modesty was not to be discarded here.

The door opened.

"Commander," Levi was drabbling then he spotted the sight before him. A shirtless Commander, a flustered Meg in front of him.

"Don't tell me you're going to fuck her on the desk," Levi snapped.

"EH?! It's not like that!" Meg covered her mouth. Wait, why was she acting like a schoolgirl tricked out in her best to a dinner? She shook her head and stood up. "We were not doing anything malicious," she announced. "Erwin had a stain in his shirt."

"Yeah right." Levi took a seat in front of the desk.

"Go put a fucking shirt on," he barked at Erwin, who nodded and disappeared down the latrine.

"And now you, explain your presence here," he proceeded to hurl at Meg, who smiled, not taking offense.

"Erwin wanted some tea so I delivered tea. It was lonesome being alone," Meg explained. "I didn't mind it that much, but I guess sometimes, being alone is well and being alone is not."

"When you're with him, what do you feel?" He slouched.

"I feel natural, when talking. In physicality, I feel awkward. We are comrades, he and I, but there are lines we cannot and will never cross." She frowned and smiled. "My friend is my Commander. My Commander is my friend and I will follow him and his cause. My cause is his. We stipulated our agreement."

"I think your relationship with him has crossed the line."

"We are good comrades, nothing more," Meg replied. "We are close friends, but he is neither my heart nor my soul. My soul belongs to myself and my cause. I will not set myself on fire to save others." She rose from her seat and smiled. "Good day, Corporal."

"I beg to differ about that, Squad Leader."

"Do you have proof?"

"You smile on him. Is it not proof enough?"

"It's just a smile, nothing else. It's the least thing I can do to assault when all eyes are on me."

The window was open – and Meg saw something that caught her eye.

A naked man pushed a naked woman against the wall, bodies crushing each other with something animalistic in their eyes. Meg found her cheeks heating up. The girl put her legs around the man's waist. All this she saw from the window.

_Why do I feel so wrong?_

She heard rustling behind her – Erwin and Levi following her gaze.

Muffled moaning followed.

_I think I want to puke._

_I think…._

[-]

"You look like you've seen something you shouldn't see," Matthew whispered in her ear as she walked through the streets. The refugees from Wall Maria had poured in – and in the front of the line, were two little boys. There was a boy with short black hair and a boy with blond hair with chiselled features. On the other line, a girl with blond hair and big blue eyes stared at her as if she was a statue. Meg smiled.

"I think I did."

"What did you see then?" Matthew handed her the basket full of bread and potatoes, the rations and extras.

"… I saw a man and woman being together."

"And?"

"I wish I didn't see it. I guess that's what happens when a man beds a woman."

"It does."

_And I didn't know_.

"Can we stop talking about this? It is incredibly lewd and awkward and also, puke-inducing." Meg smiled and walked towards the children. She handed them the potatoes and the bread.

"What are your names?"

"Bertholdt Fubar," said the tall black-haired child. He blushed at her. The other took her hand and shook it strongly. The blond girl stared at her monotonously.

"I'm Reiner Braun!"

"Annie Leonhardt."

Meg smiled.

"I'm Meg Capet," she began. "I'll be your older sister here for a while. I want you three to feel comfortable and see me as a sister. If there's anything you need, you can tell me. I work in the Scouting Legion, so drop me a call if you need me."

"It's nice to meet you."

[-]

"I have come to a conclusion," Meg told Charlie. The bubbles floated in the air, and Charlie looked up at her.

"Elaborate," she smirked and crossed her legs.

"You see, I was lonesome in the common room when Erwin asked me to go to his office for tea. The tea spilled on his shirt and he took it off –"

"And you two fucked on the desk. Who cummed first? I bet he was on top."

"… No!" Meg snorted. She slapped water from the bathtub onto her friend's face. "And Levi barged in and told Erwin to get a shirt. Well, the window was open and I heard someone moaning and I looked at the window. Turned out there was a couple…" She paused.

"Fucking."

"They were making babies."

Charlie laughed so hard. "You're such a child! Go on!"

"I ended up staring at them, and then Levi stared at them, and Erwin joined us watching them make babies."

"And you three got horny and had a threesome."

"Horny? What is the meaning of this word?"

"You know, you want to fuck someone."

Meg scowled. "… Well, I wanted to disappear. It was hell because it took them so long and three rounds to get over making babies. After they were done, well, I turned around and Levi and Erwin seemed like they were frustrated with themselves. What I did was say 'Good day, Erwin and Corporal,' and run away."

"Were they staring at you when you left?"

"… I think they were."

"Ha! I bet they were horny!"

Meg coughed.

"Well, I don't believe they were ever will!" she declared fiercely. This ray of sunshine came from her own daydreams.

"You're such a child," Charlie huffed, half-amused, half-frustrated. "Maybe it is time someone gave you the big deal sex talk."

"Not going to need it!"

"Didn't you say you wanted five to twelve children?"

Meg giggled nervously.

"It's just an old dream. It would be nice to have a large family, you know, and there's little time for sadness."

"Well, if you wanted five to twelve children, you need to do it pretty often. And to know how to do it properly, you need a good sex talk. Fuck that Thatcher's dead and I'm a slut and Hanji's Titansexual and Erwin is a virgin and Midget is a shorty and Mike is a quickie."

"Still not happening."

"Well, after the war," Charlie piped in, "you'd need to get settled."

"I do want to settle after the war. I'd get together with someone – but first, I want my titles back, my lands back and my inheritance back. I'd take over the lands for a while until my brother is of age and train him to rule wisely. Then after that, I could go study medicine and marry."

"A family." Charlie sighed.

"I want a family, after a ton of things to do. Get with someone who wants a family after the war and I'd run a hospital or a business."

Meg set her jaw. "I want to rule."

"You want to be a ruler?"

"I want power. I'll take it for my own will. No one will stop me." Meg closed her eyes. "After the war, one less problem to take care of. Maybe I'll join a nunnery instead. I don't want a man who'll force himself on me."

"Take a lover," Charlie advised. "Take Lyall with you."

"Lyall is three years younger!" Meg snapped.

"He's always following you around."

"He won't be a good lover."

[-]

"Lyall?"

She heard him before she saw him. In his room, there was spilling caves. Stalactites and cactus and ice lingered over the shadows. His head was low and his fists were balled. It was usually neat – but there were papers strewn over the floor.

_Missing:_

_Richard Lyall_

_Paul Lyall_

_Miriam Lyall_

_Aria Lyall_

_Gemma Arcaca_

The name _Aria Lyall_ was highlighted with a yellow pen.

"Squad Leader?"

His eyes were rimmed with red.

She came nearer.

"Are you well?"

Without warning, he kicked the door and scooped her in his arms. His breath on the air, and it smelled highly of alcohol. He smelled of grief and alcohol and death, and then, his head was on her chest, hearing her heart beat. He embraced her tightly, as if he never wished to let her go – and then before she could react, his lips crushed hers in a fury of grief.

He looked at her, blank.

Meg crushed his lips with hers, and she let her fingers fumble with her wires. He eagerly returned the kiss back. _Ha._ Then she quickly head-butted him hard – the same level of killing intent she had given the old man at the capital.

"What was that for?"

He was fumbling with her legs.

"Don't do it with me for this reason," Meg told him, with a smile. "You want to do it with me for the wrong reasons. I am your superior, you my subordinate and you're only grieving."

Lyall hung his head.

"Y-you're right. It will not happen again."

"Keep your word."

[-]

"You're a soldier, right?" Reiner asked her, as she gave him the rations with the extras. He was a child, years younger, and yet strangely confronting the cruelty of the world. She wore a dress, and had bought toys with her.

"I am," she replied as he took the bread and potato from her. She pulled the toy from her basket and his fingers wrapped around it.

"If I ever become a soldier… I want to see you again!"

"That's great. I'll look for you, too. I'll be there if you need anything from me, okay? I'll be your sweet sister, and you'll be my younger brother in the military!" Meg giggled at the idea.

"We'll never forget you," stuttered Bertholt. "Pretty lady."

_I will look for them,_ she told herself.

[-]

"Tell me about Marie." She was at the fire, covered by a blanket, her hands above the fire, her hair messy. Erwin looked up at her, a slight blush.

"I was very young," he explained. "I could tell her many things about her. Who she was, how we met, the color of her face, the shape of her nose, the gap between her teeth and her soft curves. She is as real to me as you are, you know."

"Really? Was she pretty? Could she sing well? Could she sew nicely?"

"To me, she was perfect. She had a gap between her teeth, and she had a nice little mouth. She didn't sew, but she had a big heart. We were young, back then. I was happy being with her, because she had a mind of her own and she held her own with me and Nile." He continued to write on the papers.

"What about you, Meg?"

"Me? I've had only one, and in the first place, I never had a chance with him. He was tall and manly. He was sometimes awkward but nonetheless, impressive. He impressed me. I always knew he'd turn out so well, like a flower growing out in the open. If he asked me to be his, I'd gladly say yes but Fate is cruel and it has a strange way of laying things in the open. I didn't give my first kiss to him. I loved him like a sister loved her brother. I loved him like Elaine loved her knight, Lancelot. He was my Lancelot, I was Elaine and he loved someone else, her memory. Aside from the other woman, he had his duty and I had a vocation."

She smiled as she spoke, as she let her fingers braid the flowers in her hand. A crown of flowers she made and a crown of words for the Lancelot of her dreams, they were fitting enough.

"Well, it's his loss. I didn't think anyone would stir up passion in you."

"Well, just a bout of cold wind now and then." Meg stood up and placed the flower crown on his head.

"Good night, Commander."

"Good night, Squad Leader."

Lancelot and Elaine, she thought while at bed. Lancelot and Guinevere, their love was eternal. For all Meg had dreamed, they were king and lionheart. Lancelot, Guinevere and Arthur were legends. In the end, they were all stories. As far as Erwin was concerned, her love for him was a story, and in the end, a legend of his own. Meg the Maid, they'd call her, and they'd call him Erwin Smith, one of the best Commanders, who Meg the Maid loved, and yet, nothing happened. She was a ghost, and she would swear her heart to the vocation she prioritized.

"What do you think of the Commander?" Petra asked.

"He is my Commander, I am at his beck and call and I follow and obey him like a good soldier should."

Petra squinted.

"We're good friends."

"Ohhh." Petra giggled. "Something tells me there's something when you look at him. Sometimes, I get a feeling you love him, sometimes."

"How'd you know?"

"Because I love someone too."

"Petra, my love life is non-existent. I guarantee that," Meg replied curtly.

"Well, how about you and Corporal Levi?"

"…. He hates me. I tolerate him because he is talented, although he has the emotional capacity of a brick and the strength of a thousand men."

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"Yes. He hates me, you know. He hates me. He thinks me an idiot, he insults my values."

"I don't think so. I just want a clarification with you, because he's Levi, of course, and it would be better if I did this, woman to woman. Do you care about him?"

"No," Meg began, but Petra shook her head.

"No," Petra emphasized. "I can tell, with you. When you talk to him, I get a gist of you two. It's a strange thing in the air, there's something in there. It's stronger or at least, the same level when you and the Commander talk."

"Levi hates me. I care about him, like a lady cares for her squire."

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"I am, Petra."

"… I believe in you. A word of caution, though."

Meg nodded.

"Please don't be too mean to him," Petra added. "I don't think he hates you. If he hated you, then he wouldn't look at you in the eye and treat you like you were someone who was valuable to him. He treats you more than well. Also, he wants to see you tomorrow in his office."

"Noted."

[-]

"It's about time I talk to you about this, Capet," Levi explained, as he swung his legs on the table. It looked pretty okay on him. The pose made him look sassier than usual and inwardly, Meg wanted to groan at the utter sassiness of the picture. Levi being sassy was something new. Did it mean his sassy levels were higher than hers?

"Talk about what?" Meg smiled politely.

"Do you know what happens when two people are in love?"

"They get married!" Meg chirped happily. "And they lived happily ever after," she added, blushing. That was the story, wasn't it. When she looked at Levi, she saw him pale.

He coughed.

"Anyway, Corporal, what do you wish to talk to me about?"

"You need someone to give you a fucking proper sex talk."

"Relax, it's not like I will need it," Meg assured him. The smile was plastered on her face, automatic as a sliding door. "I have no intention to give myself to anyone and hence, your talk will be useless."

"No, you will stay here until I'm done. Erwin probably won't give you a proper sex talk, and Hanji's with her Titans and Charlie is horny and that leaves me to deal with your innocence about how sex works."

"As I said, Corporal, I will not need this," Meg sang. She stood eye to eye level with him. Well, he was her height! She was shocked by the fact – the gall of it all!

"Sit the fuck down!"

Meg paled and sat.

"When two people love each other, do you know what they do, Capet? They **FUCK**."

"Don't they get married first?" A trickle of sweat poured from her forehead to her neck. "You know, not make babies first. That's the way I was taught."

"I will not tolerate interruptions, CAPET!" Meg flinched. The pin and net holding her hair up from her head was released and she threw it across his head, which landed on his face. However, he swatted it away.

"When two people love each other, they fuck. Sometimes, the girl gets pregnant, sometimes not, and when a woman gets pregnant, she can lose the child."

"I know all this –"

"I said no interruptions!"

"…"

"Any questions?"

"So when I love someone, do I have to do it with the guy?"

"Yes, you do."

"EH! That's not proper!"

The horror.

"You're a soldier, it's the least you should know," he fired back at her. "Married or not, when you love someone, you fuck that person."

"I wanted five perfect children," Meg sputtered. "N-Not a s-sex talk with you."

"Five? Good luck with that," Levi snapped. "Sex is painful the first time –"

"CAN YOU NOT!"

"I told you I'm giving you a sex talk, didn't I? It's painful the first time, for women. Be responsible, Capet, and that's all you need to know about sex."

Meg breathed. Her cheeks were hazy fire and her fingers were ice.

"I still think sex is useless."

"For you it is. I can't think of a man who will bring out passion in you. Even Erwin must have produced a cold wind in you."

Meg snorted as she smiled back.

"Keep on guessing," she fired back. "I have an investigation to set and paperwork to fix."

"…investigation?"

[-]

Erwin eyed her as she took his king and she placed it on her side. She beamed and lowered her head, with the graciousness of a queen, the stubbornness of a bull, and she tapped the table with her finger. There was only the quiet, and the map underneath the chessboard they played and danced in.

"What do you think they say about you?" she asked.

"They don't like me. It's you they love."

"Why would they love me? I play for you, I follow you regardless of anything. You are my king, I am the queen, and I want to play you forward the hedge that is court intrigue. You will be raised up to help and to get political power. Nay, say that we are new men, grasping the power the government has been abusing all along. I want power, my lands, and I want to see you hold the crown in your hands. We do the best we can – it's what everyone does."

"Hm, they like you because you're approachable, you're warm, you're highly empathic, you are a healer by nature, a mystic by vocation. Yet you are a soldier."

She tilted her chin downwards. "I don't want any power in my hands, I don't want lands. I'm nothing like you and Pixis and Zackley who have political intrigue and plays in their game."

He snorted.

"You have the idealism to start a revolution."

"I know I do, but why let me lead? People will walk over me."

"Lyall will never. Sometimes, I see a little bit of Levi in him; they have the sense of duty, that fondness for you. I think they are good for you."

"Since when is that your business? I'd like my own life unbothered, so give me my privacy. Clingy much?"

"I am your Commander."

Meg shrugged.

"Levi makes me feel like porcelain, like a doll who's too fragile to be handled. I don't like it. I want to be comfortable and warm and at the same time, contained. Everyone fights a battle, and yet does he see mine?" She covered her mouth with her handkerchief. "I'm sorry, if I get too emotional."

"Really, we're friends. I'm the one with the mask, not you. I don't mind seeing you that way."

"We both are."

[-]

"How many years have you been working on with the Titans?" Meg leafed through the piles of paperwork.

"For five years," Hanji quickly fired. "I spent a decade hating them. I thought it best to look at them with new eyes."

"That must be brave of you."

"It's nothing. I do have a problem."

"Tell me."

"I lack funds."

Meg tapped her chin. "I can push it forward to Erwin."

"I already told him that. To get more funding, it's through you. I want more information, more experiments, but the only way to do that is to get more funding."

"I've thought of something."

"What is it?"

"I think you could have people put their attention on you for the spreading of awareness of Titan research. Your cause is not bad. It's for humanity, after all."

"That's a good idea."

[-]

A night alone made her shiver, the lamplight dimming, age dripping with the despondency of time and problem. The room was a cell; it had been for years and she knew it. December 25, 845 it was. Hanji and Erwin and Levi were out of work – and she was all alone, shivering herself cold as she drowned in paperwork through and through, as it was holiday season. Her blanket wrapped her shirt, and her military coat hung over the bookshelf.

"Squad Leader?"

"What?"

Her words were small, her eyes glued to the faltering light falling on the fallible piece of paper.

"You should stop overworking yourself. It's holiday season." Lyall's voice was steady.

"Mhm?" Lyall quickly took the pen and paper from her hands and grabbed her shoulders, ripping her away from her chair and table.

"You're all alone. You're the only one working here."

"So what? I am guided by God!"

"You need to enjoy time out of work."

"… I don't have anyone. Leave me alone. I can't go back to Sina, my dad will marry me off to a man who will force himself on me…"

"Then I'll be with you. Now let's get out of here and I'll make you some hot tea." He rubbed her back as he walked towards the exit door of the room. Her face was cold, her nose chilled, and here they were, Matthew Lyall holding her arm.

"I'll keep you warm –"

The door opened, and a pair of gray eyes stared at them.

"Corporal."

He didn't bat an eyelash.

By the time she was at her bed, she ripped out her pins in frustration and brushed through her hair angrily.

She grabbed the silver steel scissors and the pins and glanced at her reflection in the mirror.

Who was this woman? Meg saw the copper color in her hair fading, melting, her eyes shiny and blue and red, her cheeks pale and thin. _I am no longer me. _

_My skin is no longer as soft as it was. I am ice, I am snow, and I am spring, no longer summer._

* * *

**Notes:** More development in the next chapters!


	12. How She Waited

**EMPIRE**

**Chapter 12: How She Waited**

* * *

**Summary:** To be a woman is to live in a time of war. To be a woman is to wait, and plan for the future.

* * *

The candles lit up the room, and the pen felt rather heavy in Meg's hands as she took. This was a risk to run – this secret investigation. Rod Reiss, she thought, was a high-probability rate suspect. If he didn't kill Frida – at this, Meg's fist curled – then he knew something about her. Frida was kind and warm, every bit the lady Meg knew she would never be. She was more genuine, to Meg's glass. What was glass was Frida, and Meg was the silk to her. She worriedly wrote on the paper, and to her irritation, found herself thinking of the lost piece of poetry she had left lying on her table. It was lost.

_Suspects:_

_Rod Reiss_

Well, where was the lead? The Abellard had the murderer who had almost gotten her killed. The Abellard and the Reiss had been allies, too. Suppose the Reiss had also wanted her dead? Her life was a candle on a wick. You can't put it down, there's hope out there, and is there really hope for her?

_I am the Capet's last serving daughter, I am a Squad Leader._

She tapped on the table with her pen, the rhythm fast and tense. There were always connections. First, the Abellard _**had**_sent a killer after her. Second, the Abellards were allied with the Reiss. Thirdly, the Abellards were one of the most loyal nobles. Fourthly, the Abellards had connections with the Military Police. How could they not have sent the Military Police men to kidnap her during her first mission in the capital? She grit her teeth. If the Abellard knew that she was working out this cold case, she realized with a pang, that they would lure her to her death.

_They probably had been after me in the beginning._ _They probably would have wanted to kill Erwin and Levi, too, to get their own hands on me._

_I will not let that happen._

The Abellards and the Reiss were allies. Perhaps the Reiss could have had a hand in all of this… The only one Meg trusted in the Reiss was Frida and now she was gone, nothing left of her. If only she knew who murdered Frida, if only she knew what happened, suppose, maybe she could have felt much better. She had lost a brother, a sister and an older mother and now what was left?

All of us fall down.

_I will piece this pretty puzzle, and if I do, I will kill whoever killed Frida. _

Perhaps the Abellard had sent someone after Frida, too, but in the first place, who would want to kill a girl like Frida? The Reiss had a shady reputation, that was the impression Meg got. Frida wasn't part of those secrets the Reiss did not share from the world. Frida wouldn't hurt a fly. If Frida ever would kill a man, Meg knew she would be crying if she did so.

_Facts:_

_-The Reiss and the Abellard are allied._

_-Rod Reiss was acting suspicious the day Frida died_

_-The Reiss have a shady reputation_

"Squad Leader? You should go to sleep," called Matthew. "You need to sleep. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow."

"I know. We're going on an expedition. Hanji wants her Titans."

"Petra asked you to join Levi's squad for this mission, you know. Erwin thought so, too."

"I have my own squad," Meg snapped. "Erwin should know better than to control me. I could go on my own, does he know that? If he even had an idea about the investigations I've been running through, would he even allow me to act on my own?"

"Mike would tell on you."

"I asked him because he holds a candle to Levi. Mike's good enough. He knows my scent, he knows what I can do."

"Erwin does care, you know."

"He sees me as a weapon. He's pointed out I have the idealism to start a revolution. Can't agree more. I've been keeping secrets from him and he won't have it from me." Meg scowled. "I don't want anyone controlling me, Matthew."

"You should tell him that yourself, Squad Leader."

"I will." A flash of the ghost that lived in the curves of her lips and she shook her head playfully. "Will you be at my side tomorrow?"

"I always will come back to you. If someone keeps us apart, I'll come back to you. Always."

"Why would you do such a thing?"

"You're my Squad Leader."

"I know you will."

"Squad Leader… Is there anything else you want me to do for you?"

"I lost a piece of paper here. It had poetry I wrote here."

"Why would anyone take it?"

"I really know not."

"I'll look for it."

"Take your leave, Lyall. We have a long day tomorrow." Meg stood from her seat. "We have an expedition tomorrow."

"Yes, Squad Leader!"

847

"Still no clues left?"

The days are cold, and it stings. The candles are shining, the stars have come out.

"None."

Her voice breaks.

848

"Squad Leader, you're invited to a Christmas party!"

"Tell them I'll pass."

"Why?"

"I'd rather be alone."

849

_Dear Meg,_

_Have you no lovers? Have you anyone to keep you warm? We miss you here. I'm settled to marry the king's daughter, but she has not bled yet. Anyway, we miss you again. Father's part of the Wallist sector, so expect to see him in Wall Rose anytime. _

_I worry for you._

_-Ross_

"Squad Leader?"

"Yes?"

Tomorrow, Pixis would be here. Some of the cadets were going to Trost – and Meg was eager to greet them. She would greet them, she thought, looking beautiful.

"Can I stay the night with you tonight?"

"Don't you have anywhere to go, too? Lyall, you're better off without me." Meg snorted.

"I'll stay here. You need me."

"Do I or do I not?"

"You do. You need someone to keep you warm, someone to keep you company. We've been together for so many years. Five, is it?"

"Six."

"Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?" Matthew asked again.

Meg shook her head.

"I thought you were the cutest girl I've ever seen. Lucky to look at, with hair kissed by fire."

"Do you really like me that way?"

"What way?"

"Like a knight and his lady?"

"… I admire you. You're my lady, I'm your subordinate. You rule me. You tell me what to do, and you fight for your beliefs. That's why I like you."

[-]

"This is so awesome! This is the first time I've been into those walled cities!" Connie Springer bellowed at his amazement on entering Trost. A group of cadet trainees from the official training camp had gone over to Trost.

"There'll be lots of food to eat!" A brunette by the name of Sasha Braus smiled.

"Hey, you lot!" called Jean Kirschtein, who was walking behind them. "If you join the City Guard, you can stay here as long as you like. I'll come visit and see how well you're doing when I'm in the Military Police." He proceeded to guffaw loudly.

_Whack._ A wooden knife hit the back of Jean's head.

"OUCH!"

Connie and Sasha turned their eyes to look at the perpetrator. To their surprise, the wooden knife had been from behind – where a girl with hair cut as short as a boy's was looking at Jean monotonously. She was walking in between Armin and Marco, like a lone wolf. Her hair was dark, her face had noticeable cheekbones to accent her long face, her skin was pale and from afar, she looked like a boy.

Jean turned his head to look at the perpretator.

"Arry! What was that for?"

"That was for being a callous jerk," Arry snapped dryly. Marco chuckled nervously.

"Where exactly is your house, Jean?" Armin asked suddenly.

"Does it matter?" Jean sighed.

"Aren't you going to pop home?" Marco asked. Arry looked away. "Thomas said he was planning to."

"Your mom would be so happy to see you," Armin chirped.

"Shut it, you two! Just drop it!" Jean retorted.

"How about you, Arry?" Marco smiled at her.

Arry rolled her eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it either," she snapped.

[-]

The training exercised commenced through – and as protocol required her to, Meg watched beside Matthew Lyall.

"What are you looking at?" she asked, watching the trainees swarm into the sky, hair flying. From a distance, she spotted Reiner and Braun – and the blond girl. Reiner caught her eye and winked – and proceeded to swirl through in a speed faster. This made Meg giggle – it had been too long since someone had done such for her.

"I thought I saw my sister."

Meg bit her lip. He had still missed her, she realized sadly. Aria Lyall had left a void in Matthew's heart.

"Where is she?"

Matthew pointed to a blond with blue eyes, a small pretty boy, walking with a brown-haired boy and a freckled boy with black hair. At the back, walked a brunette.

"That's her?"

"I want to confirm."

"You two are really chummy –"

"Oh, hi, Erwin," Meg greeted him with a smile that plastered easily on her face. "Anything wrong with us being chummy?"

"Nothing. I was remembering a rumor I've heard a few days ago. Is it true you spent the night at his room during December 25?"

"She did," Matthew answered. "We played chess."

Erwin quickly locked eyes with Meg – and Matthew suddenly ran off, eyes bent on the girl who resembled his sister.

"Someone found a love note on your desk," Erwin said.

Meg blushed. "I'm not seeing anyone as of late."

"I'm aware of your activities, you know."

"Erwin," she huffed. "You have to put your faith in me! I've put everything I've had for you! I don't see how you shouldn't control me! I am a Squad Leader, remember that. I am the one who knocks at the capital for the sake of funding, I am the one who writes pretty words to have the capital back up your behind."

The hot blood pumped – and before she knew, she collared him, eye to eye. "Did you hear me? I am a lady, I am a soldier, I am a squad leader! I am my own boss, do you hear me? I follow you, but the methods I use are none of your business! You and I have the same sentiments, so I hope you would concede to me."

Erwin pushed her hand away.

"Your grip is strong."

Meg scowled and let go. Tempting it was to hit him, she did not.

"I am your friend! Do you not trust me?"

Erwin set his jaw.

"I have other friends who I trust more than you. Mike has my back, Hanji has my back, and Levi also does, more than you do."

"What am I to you, then?" She angrily put one hand on her hip. It was a waste to put minimal makeup today if only she was wasting it on someone who didn't appreciate it. "I thought we had an agreement. I thought that you were controlling the chessboard. Not anymore, huh? Am I not useful enough? Am I not enough?" She looked up. "Can you please tell me what have I done wrong?"

"No one's watching. Perhaps you and I better talk in private. Lyall will get his word later."

They had gone to a bar straight after that. An old man watched them cautiously, as he poured hot water on Meg's cup and wine in Erwin's.

"You and Lyall are awfully close," Erwin admitted. "We no longer talk. He occupies much of your time, Meg."

"You don't like it?"

"I don't like the fact you two are attached to each other. What if he tries to do something to you?"

Silence and Meg rolled her eyes.

"Really, I'll drop by your office. Don't you have anything else to say as my Commander?"

"Hmm.." He took a sip of the drink. "I want to trust you with all your activities. You should know better than to undermine my authority."

"Trust me. It's all you have to do. What do I have to do to convince you?" Meg smirked. "Take my shirt off? I don't think it'll work – either way, just trust me."

"Fine, I will trust you. Don't be too rash, I know you too well."

"Anything else to tell me?"

"I miss you."

"So did I."

They both lingered in the silence.

"How's Petra?"

"She still writes to me. I think I love her," Meg replied. "That girl is dear to my heart. I will not let her die so easily. How is Levi?"

"He's taken her in his squad."

Meg closed her eyes.

"If he will not take care of her, I will threaten him."

Erwin chuckled.

"I don't underestimate your power, Margaret. I know how to use it. Your task is to learn how to discover your own strengths."

Meg sighed. "Don't tell me I have to disrobe to convince someone. I've had enough of men touching me in places I don't like."

"I know you better. That's why we're together, aren't we?"

[-]

"I wonder what true ecstasy feels like." Meg looked upwards at the sky. "I bet it feels like a prayer burning so bright like a candle, and you feel that God is blowing His breath on your face. It will feel good, better than the feeling of having your knees stinging from believing that God will one day hear your prayers and tricked into believing such things."

Petra's hand settled over hers and a squeeze was given.

"That is what you feel," Petra began, "when you are in love."

In love? Petra? Meg's glance snapped at her friend. Petra was too young, she thought, but pretty. Definitely attractive, thought the lady. Also, a good fighter; Charlie often wrote to her of how Petra was doing. The idea of Petra in love made Meg worry. What if someone took her away, too? She did not wish to lose another sister. Not another sister, to some man who would take her away to a place, Meg thought on bitterly. Not another sister.

"Have you never been in love, Meg?"

"I have."

"Then you know what ecstasy is. To love is to be in ecstasy."

"I speak of ecstasy as a woman. I imagine it being bliss, to smile while experiencing hell, to be served by a Galahad and a Lancelot. I imagine it to be the highest form of enlightenment."

"Ever the mystic, are you not? You would make a convincing nun." Petra giggled. "I know what I speak of. I know what it is to love and to be in love."

"Pray, tell, who is this person?"

Petra shrugged. "I think sometimes he loves me. Sometimes, I wonder if he loves me not." Her face brightened.

"Tell me."

"What are you two talking about?" Behind them, Levi was frowning. "Is there anything wrong?"

"Nothing it is," Meg beamed quickly. As Levi rode far ahead, Petra peered at her.

"Why do you always do that with him?"

"Because it's the way we act."

Petra sighed.

"Have you done anything romantic with him? I am curious, you know. You've never made mention of your romances."

"Why would I?"

"Something tells me that someone used to look at you once as if you were the moon."

"Petra."

_My heart is set upon a lusty pin._

"Haven't you looked at Matthew Lyall?"

"He is my subordinate." _And yet I kissed him, and he kissed me back_. It wasn't the lusty pin she craved for. A strong foundation of love was what she craved. Matthew had been rough with kissing, raw and steely, full of duty to begin with, but he was so driven with his emotions it was confusing if the kiss was just something sexual or something more emotional.

For that, when night fell, she lit another candle, in the tent that she was sharing with Levi, Hanji, and Erwin. A candle for Mae, a candle for Robert, a candle for all those fallen soldiers – Didrika, Eric, Patrick, William, Jon, Mark, Joshua, Solomon, Amun, Ken – she had been classmate and comrade to, and to supply it all, came her candle for Braun, a candle for Charlie, a candle for Jack, and lastly, two candles for Frida, the sister for her heart. Another candle for Matthew and her, for her damned sins and her desires.

As she knelt, she lit another candle.

"Do you want to set this tent on fire?"

She did not have to look to know who it was. The tap of his footsteps gave him away. Darkness again, like old times, darkness like before, they were always meeting each other in darkness.

"No, I was just lighting candles for my prayers."

"Do you pray for me?"

Why would he ask her to pray for him?

"I always do. I pray for you the way I pray for my enemies."

She blew the candles out.

_I hate you for taking a sister away from me. I hate you._

[-]

_It's lonely to be a soldier. You don't get tales of chivalry; I drown in wine and lost loves and letters. Maybe, that is what I am good for. Stories and letters and growing old, watching people I love die, losing brothers and sisters all over again._

Before she could scream, she felt it. Sweat on her forehead, her hair messy. Outside it was dark, and the moon hovered in the sky. Standing up, Meg did not bother to braid her hair and put it up.

Outside, she spotted Matthew.

"Meg."

"Matthew."

Matthew was cleaning his blades, his face set. He was preparing his weapons.

"What are you doing here? I will set up a tent just for you – " His lip on her neck, her jaw and her forehead, then she felt him close to her, hearing the beat of his heart. "I will not last long, Meg. I have a mission to do, and you to look after."

"Will this be the last time I see you?"

"It might be." Matthew pulled away.

"If you want a last smile, I can give you that."

Matthew turned his back. "I don't want a smile."

"Then what do you want so, then?"

"A kiss."

"Then kiss me." Meg sighed. "Just kiss me and be done with it and then you can leave for your mission."

At that, Matthew turned – and then she felt his lips touch hers, something slightly passionate.

_This will be the last tale of chivalry I will get, then._

She wrapped the green cape around her shoulders and watched as the shape left with the horse and ride off elsewhere.

_I will never be anyone's, nor will anyone be mine._

One last love, she promised.

She clutched her chest, aching, bleeding. Did I love him or not? Did I ever love properly? The wind snatched at her hair, her face stinging by the sudden rawness. He will be taken away from me. The realization grabbed at her throat, as she silently tried to choke on the dust of the wind.

"Did I ever love properly?"

"You tried to."

Meg smiled.

"How would you know?"

"I have done the same."

"He never warmed my bed. He just placed kisses here and there. Nothing really physical."

"I know."

When she looked back, there was no one there.

_My mind is playing tricks on me._

When she shuffled her cards while Hanji ran ahead of Erwin on her horse later that day, she sighed and placed the cards in Erwin's hands.

_The Hanged Man. _

_The Wheel of Fortune._

Meg quickly drew a circle in the air and smiled.

"_Merde_," she said grimly, and took the reins to her horse.

[-]

"Who did you get that handkerchief from?" she asked.

Erwin wiped his sweat with the worn blue handkerchief.

"An old friend. I thought she was my first crush."

"What's a crush?"

[-]

Ilsa Lagnar's notebook was found. They had found her corpse inside the tree, like it was an altar.

"You know why I act like I do?" Hanji asked.

Meg peered at her curiously.

"You need people to see you. You need your cause to be fought for."

"Exactly."

Hanji adjusted her glasses.

"I'd risk anything for this. Know an enemy and you defeat him. Am I right?"

"You are. You know better, too. What am I to you? I am just a stupid girl who knows nothing of political machinations and what real love is."

Hanji grinned back at her.

"I know that, too."

"Why would you still trust me on that?"

"We're both squad leaders. We're both women. We're both fighters. You have loved, you have lost and I have done the same. We want things the men hug, we have secrets."

"I concede," Meg murmured.

Hanji laughed.

"Welcome to the Sisterhood, then," she began. "I'm the President, you're my Vice President."

"Glad to be of service."

Hanji tossed a flask to Meg, which the redhead caught quickly with her lady's hands.

"Take a drink."

Meg chugged the lid off with her pretty fingers and hands, and without hesitation, downed the flask. It tasted of alcohol – strong, and metallic, slightly bitter.

It reminded her slightly of Levi.

And somehow, of Erwin.

"Let's talk, woman-to-woman, from now on," Hanji began. She swiped the glasses off from her nose. To Meg's surprise, she was beautiful. She was not beautiful like Madonnas in paintings were – there was beauty in her eyes, in the lines of her face, in the light and cleverness that soaked through her warm brown eyes. She had warmth and cunning, wrapped in a nerdy package, and a mop of messy brown hair. That was how Meg found her beautiful.

"Why do you stare at me so?" Hanji gave a manic guffaw.

"I think you're beautiful."

Hanji laughed again.

"Really?" There was an edge to her voice.

"I do. I do not believe that anyone is ugly. If you look at a woman's face, you see in her eyes what she is capable of, and that she can do anything. Her worth is not in her hips, it is in the empire and the world she creates for herself. Her value is equal to infinite." As Meg spoke, she realized how true this was.

"You're also beautiful. Like a Madonna and an angel from a painting."

"I will never compare to your beauty, Hanji. I see the way Corporal Levi and Commander Erwin look at you. They think you're beautiful."

Hanji laughed.

"If you look at the mirror, Meg, what do you really see?"

"I see a lady who never knows when to start giving up on her daydreams. I see someone who has loved and lost, someone who wanted an empire." Her voice faltered. "I see a woman in a dress who has so much to live for. I… lost again. I keep losing."

To her surprise, Hanji took the hairnet from Meg's hair and the red locks fell down. The woman's fingers started brushing it for a period of time.

"Tell me more."

"I can't even love properly! I've fallen on my face, but I have a vocation, I have a duty. What else can I do? Stand naked for this cause? I don't want anyone stepping on me all the time! I am a woman, and is that all I am?"

"It makes all the difference."

Hanji's fingers carefully threaded with her hair, as she went on brushing the long hair.

"Don't let anyone step in you because you're a woman. You have a big personality, underneath your gentleness. I know that."

"How can you prove it?"

"I see it when I talk to Erwin about you. I hear it when I hear the others talk of you. You have no idea how big you are. You're bigger than your own shadow, you're a big woman with a big soul."

Meg sighed.

"You'll find someone, I'm sure of that," Hanji went on. "You'll just have to do your vocation and wait and pray."

"Yes, Hanji."

[-]

How many seasons had she seen? She had seen summers, winters, and at night, she stood in front of the window, observing the trickling water down the nearby river. A chill seeped through the draft in her bones, the wind that howled at night.

_I feel as if the river is telling me something._

The birds started to sing, as if Fortuna favors the brave and it is easy to attain. The wind became less rigid, and somehow gentle. Petra would write back, writing fondly of Levi here and then while Meg read and read on.

_Can such a thing be?_ She asked herself, those season-changing days, leafing through Petra's letters, as outside, she surveyed the seasons and waited, for the wind in her bones to chill and the water to sing her a possible outcome.

_I love him._

To imagine Petra saying it suddenly made sense to Meg. Petra had trusted **her** after all, with her love and devotion to Levi. Did she love him so much? Did Levi love her back? Meg wanted to hate him for taking a place in Petra's heart and making it his. To lose another sister to a man she had hated was unforgivable, and so she just steeled herself, as she read through the letters, and saw the leaves fall from their trees, turn yellow, red and then fly away.

_She loves him. He loves her, and it will the end of everything._

Meg shut her eyes for the thousandth time, in Erwin's office, light falling on her face. _She loves him and I fear it is true._

"You worry for Ral? She's a talented soldier."

"Of course, I do."

She pulled out the cards and then arranged them.

"What are you doing, Meg?"

"A trick an old woman taught me," Meg replied as she drew out the cards. She took three and flipped them. "It's for Petra and someone else."

The Devil, the Tower, the Hanged Man. Bondage, disaster, sacrifice. It spelled a bad ending. _Not Petra._ Why Petra? Meg wished Levi would die. In her hands, she reshuffled them.

"Draw one for me."

He took a card from her.

The Emperor.

"Authority."

He raised a brow.

"You?"

Meg took a card and held it up.

"The Empress. Fertility, femininity, beauty, nature."

She reshuffled the deck again.

"In the end, she loves him. In the end, I'm nothing more than an old witch who is ugly as a bear and can't be loved. Every woman is like that, isn't she? What can I do about it? Nothing." Meg sighed. She wrapped the shawl tighter around her.

Erwin looked up from his map.

"You're not ugly. You're beautiful."

Meg looked away. She watched the river from the window.

"What do you feel about this new strategy I came up with?"

Meg took a look at the marks he had made on the map.

"It's quite effective. It might reduce the death tolls by a small percentage."

"I'm glad you say so."

[-]

The door closed behind him, and he stared at her with livid eyes. Time had made his features more handsome, and his muscles had grown larger. His winsome dimples were still there, and that stare of his that made her feel so small was no longer there. We are both adults now, she thought, as he looked at her as if she was Persephone and he was Hades, brushing against each other. He was taller and she was still a little slight for her age.

"You asked for me?"

"Officer Lithgow."

Jack's eyes skimmed over her. The braided hair tied up, the new poise she carried herself with, her neat uniform, the authority she had over her. He would no longer see her as the old Meg.

"Squad Leader and Division Leader Margaret Capet."

"You've grown handsome," she observed, smilingly.

Jack quickly kissed her hand.

"You have grown beautiful."

He let go of her hand, formal.

"Why did you ask for me, Lady Capet?"

"The same reason why you also asked for me a week earlier." Meg eyed the door lock. She quickly took the jacket off and placed it on her seat.

"A deal?"

"Yes. Make sure the door is locked."

"It is already."

"Good. Jack, you have been in Shiganshina for a few years. With that time frame, I am sure you have collected data. Give me the details, let us talk."

"What do you want in exchange?" Jack smirked. "A piece of what?"

"I can give you more men. We always need more manpower. I can give you manpower, Officer," Meg addressed him. "Perhaps you'd want something more personal, do you or do you not?"

"I want to think on it."

"Let's talk."

"Do you believe that Shadis and Caroline had secrets of their own as leaders? Theories? Anything regarding the nobility?"

"I don't have their paperwork – it went to Erwin Smith after Caroline committed suicide. The judges thought it would be wise to entrust him with her secrets. In Shiganshina, it was a bit fishy."

"How fishy?"

"Shadis was working with Grisha Jaeger, a doctor. When Grisha left, I saw him meet with Commander Shadis three days before Erwin Smith arrived at Shiganshina."

_Click._ That was around the same time before Frida Reiss was murdered.

"Where did Dr. Jaeger say he was going?"

"He said he had a matter to take care of. Somewhere in Wall Sina."

Wall Sina.

"Do you think he knew something about the Reiss?"

Jack stared at her.

"Maybe. You need more proof. Erwin has that."

Meg groaned inwardly.

[-]

She had not heard from Matthew but still, she heard about him, those days. She heard of how minstrels sang of his love for the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, of how he loved her, and she fretted over him in her mind. She was missing him – his loyalty, his faith, his adoration. It meant much to her – he was a friend. He had not asked for his book of Sappho back – she knew that much. He had loved Sappho as much as she had her own poems.

_My heart is set on a lusty pin_, she thought fondly of the perfect line of love.

As much as a woman waited, she had to do things – and so she set up archery training stuff. She would target the bull's eye and from there, tried to improve everything.

The arrows hit high and true – and she proudly worked on it, sweating days' loads of sweat in dresses, hitting targets.

Then finally, Petra arrived.

[-]

"You love him?"

"I think I might be falling in love with him." Petra was red, and she giggled like a child. Such a child she was – but then, she was fast to becoming a woman.

In the dining hall, Levi and Erwin were talking.

"You love him, do you?" Meg met the girl's eyes. It was not easy to deal with this thing. "I know what you feel. I've known how it is to love."

"Have you even loved someone like him?" Petra whispered.

"Like Levi?"

"Yes."

Meg paused.

"I've never loved him. Not one iota in my life."

"Don't lie to yourself. You look like you are in pain," Petra replied. "Am I the cause of it?"

"Not you. I would never allow myself to love Levi. Not in a million years. Petra Ral, I know what it is to love and let your vocation take over."

Petra hung her head.

"But if I ever did love him, would you still be with me?"

"Yes."

"And what if I left this world, assuming such a thing?"

Meg's heartbeat began to accelerate. The predictions she had seen had based disaster. It was pure disaster, there would be sacrifice involved in it. It would mean a bad ending.

"Don't say that," Meg breathed. "You are Petra Ral, you are one of the most elite soldiers in the Scouting Legion, and you have so much to live for! Don't ever think that way!"

Petra nodded.

"But still, what if I die and he lives?" Petra grit her teeth fiercely. "Promise me, Meg, that if it does happen, watch over him for me. For the love of me."

"I don't care about him, Petra."

"For love of me, watch over him. If I ever die, I want to die knowing someone will watch over him who is still flesh and blood."

"Petra."

"Promise me, Meg!"

Meg swallowed.

"…I will, guided by God."

Petra's arms crushed her in a huge hug.

"Good."

[-]

Dear Charlie,

How is Matthew in your division? Heard of him? I miss him. I miss talking of Sappho with him, I miss the way he carries the horses with him, or how he reads to me when I am bored. My knees ache, my arms ache, but this is the thing I can do. Now that I've had more years to go with me, what can I do now? Paperwork is easier now, but still, the more worries these years add to me.

I miss you so much. Erwin and Mike and Hanji surround me, but I want to respect their camaraderie so I don't often go out of the room to be with them. Hanji often bugs me to join them go drinking and stuff, but I still don't want to go out when I could be investigating Frida Reiss' death. I miss times when we'd go wrap ourselves in blankets and spend hours talking. I want the old times back, sometimes – but sometimes, I feel okay, surrounded by books, paper, maps and pens and ink. I feel good when I am alone, but people, well, it's always been a tricky story.

I worry so much about you and Matthew.

Please, don't leave me.

-Meg

* * *

Dear Meg,

I miss you too! As much as I've yet to weather the tides, I still kind of regret not taking you with me when I temporarily went on hiatus to recover from Braun's death. I regret not being able to tell him I love him, and it's a huge pity. Nonetheless, the hiatus was long and I was well-kept and well-fed and I got to know his family. His mother is such a precious woman, and she was surprised to know of my story and ever since, my brothers have moved in with her.

I've yet to find my father, but he is still out there. I hope Jack keeps you company, and I promise, I will find Lyall for you. He is getting famous. They call him Lord Lyall here, and he is rather one of the best soldiers you'd see in a battlefield. He saluted me when I killed twelve Titans, and he asks me often about how I fight. That lad is growing taller and stronger, he reminds me of a fusion of Erwin and Levi in a younger form. It's hard not to imagine him marrying you.

I hope you and Petra have talked, and you have made amends with Levi and Erwin. Erwin will keep on breaking your heart if you keep on pining for him, and Levi and you have a nice wavelength together. Erwin is one of your closest co-workers and I respect that, but I still have not forgiven him for taking my Braun away from me. You deserve a man who is better than Erwin, I daresay – I want for you a man who deserves your maidenhead, a man who will be gentle with you and love you for you.

I wish you know how I feel when I am with Braun. I wish you knew how it feels when in the morning, you don't want to leave the bed when your beloved and you are tangled up in the sheets and you tell him not to go, I want more. I wish you know how passionate love can be, and how physical and awesome the whole shebang is.

I think if Matthew stayed, you could have gotten to that phase. Don't tell me you've kissed him or did the reverse. I'd be happier if Levi knew about it and he's jealous. Just kidding.

-Charlie

[-]

The blue handkerchief lay at her table. Standing guard outside, was Jon, one of her subordinates.

"Who left that?"

"I forgot."

_I might as well be a lost memory._

When she took hold of the handkerchief, she knew better than to question it.

Erwin Smith, she concluded, would never make a claim to whatever heart she had in her chest that remained. Her love she had given out to humanity, to her loved ones, and little left for him as a man.

He had never even tried for her sake.


	13. Enigmatic Feeling

**EMPIRE**

**Chapter 13:** **Enigmatic Feeling**

* * *

**Summary:** Connections are now made. The river had finally told her something.

* * *

"Jack, what did you really think of me back then?" she asked him, leafing through paperwork. Jack was at her desk, looking at the piles of letters delivered.

"I disliked you," he admitted. "You were always charming, but still irritating. So clingy, so naïve."

"I hated you. I didn't like you. You were a mystery to me," Meg replied. She could see it all again. Jack had been charming, too. He was a devil's advocate, his tongue silver and his eyes and grades pure gold. He had been the one to play with her hair and denounce it Carrots. Carrots had been the worst name she had been called, she remembered trembling at being called a vegetable. "I found it so tricky to understand you, you know."

"I thought the same. You were the most irritating person in the batch. The way you'd play with your hair, the way you'd daydream, it irritated me."

"I disliked how you teased me. I had always thought it quite rude, you know. Your pranks on me were never funny."

"I thought you were a ninny."

"I thought you were an idiot."

The two of them glared at each other. Her stare was icy, and yet warmth exuded her grace. She carried herself better, more of a warrior queen than a lady, and his once boyish gait was now replaced by an older traveler's stride and confidence in his swagger.

Jack snorted.

"Is it really ironic we hated each other but yet here we are again, allies once again?" he asked, trying to be an orator.

"Fortuna does not favour us both, then," observed the redhead. "Do you still hate me at this rate?"

"I kind of still dislike you," Jack admitted. "You're one of the prettiest girls I've ever laid my eyes on and yet I still have no fondness for you." He smirked.

"I still think you're a twat," Meg smiled back. "You really have no idea how amusing you are, Officer Lithgow. I'm a squad leader, you're an officer."

"Mincing words now? What's next?" Jack snorted. "Let me guess: you'll disrobe now, will you?" His scowl directed at her.

"Why would I do that?"

"You lack the warmth of a man. Me, I've never seen what's between a woman's legs."

"I assure you, no one can have any warmth from me. I've seen the best – it's just a gist of cold air."

"Is that true, then?" Jack guffawed. "I've seen a few men try you."

"No one's tried me."

He shook his head. "Haven't you noticed? Do you have any eyes or ears? I thought you were smart but it appears you disappoint me." A searing once-over was given. "Don't you know it when you see it?"

"Present your case then."

"The day of graduation, _**Levi**_," Jack began, "wanted to try you. He fancied you from the start. He looked on you often. Or did you not realize this until it was too late?"

"Levi loves Petra Ral!" Meg retorted. "She loves him as well!" She did not want his name on her lips, after all the bad blood between them. Petra had been caught in his web of disaster, and now she had the detestable task of watching over him if Petra ever fell. If there was only a spell to break it off… Ugh.

Jack scowled. "Before Petra, there was someone else. He looked at you so much, it had to be you!"

"It is not me. It will never me. He hates me. He thinks me an idiot."

"To make it more unfair, Erwin Smith is your friend. Don't you think you're having too much power?"

"Too much power?" Meg smiled. "I know little of power."

"Knowledge is power."

"Power is power."

Jack scratched his cheek thoughtfully. "There it is. Underneath that kind and sweet and refined facade, what are you, really? You attract dangerous men who want you."

"What about you? It's not your business."

"… I'll give you what you need. We could be partners. We don't necessary have to like each other, but tolerate."

"What do you really want from me, then?"

"Share my bed. I'll share yours. You're a lonely woman, and I'm a lonesome man who wants his share of women in the sheets."

"I'm not going to do that, thank you."

"If you can't go into bed with me," Jack chuckled, "well, that's a joke, but I'd volunteer my services in exchange for a higher position."

"I'm not accepting that."

"Stubborn as ever, are you not? You know, I could give you many things. I want a partnership."

"Tell me, then. Convince me."

"I could provide a better partnership than Erwin can. I could supply you with anything you need of me. I may be an officer, but I have connections. Use me."

_What do I need?_

"I will think about it." Meg lifted her head and smiled. "You are dismissed. We have not talked to each other. We work as colleagues, not as conspirators."

"Then I will make sure Erwin Smith knows nothing of this."

_I need to use a man_.

[-]

Her knees kissed the lips of the warm floor, as she quickly clasped her hands together. Her fingers smoothed the wooden beads of her rosary, as she allowed the silence to surround her. The candles were lit, and the door closed and locked, to her desire. What battles would await her? Men died in war, women to childbirth. Frida's death and the threat of losing Petra hovered nearer and nearer everyday. Her gamble in the capital had taken its toll – losing Erwin's trust, and what else? She had lost Matthew to duty. Love was the death of duty. What was her vocation?

She had to wait, plan and plot. Her knees spread on the floor, dirtying her pants. For every candle lit, was a soul to pray for. An eye for an eye, a heart for a heart, a soul for a soul, what was she fighting for? She fought for society's benefits, but what was justice in this beautiful but cruel world? Her fingers shook.

_God, what do you want from me?_ _Give me a vision. Give me something._

She needed answers. Who wanted Frida dead? How else could she advance humanity like this? How would all this end? Her religious fervor, her own passions, her blood on her hands, what did she have to sacrifice? Every face she had seen fallen, then, for them, she was willing to throw a life for them. Who's scary now? The game was on.

_I don't want any shame._

"God, what do you wish for me to do?" she whispered, as she felt the draft in the river course the searing of Lethe hiding in the trickle of her veins. She closed her eyes, and this time, placed her forehead to the floor. "Anything you want."

_Just give me a vision._

Outside, it howled. She heard nothing, but she saw the thunder crackle, she saw the flooding of the river. The wind sang and howled for her name, she heard the wind mourn for the dead soldiers whose faces registered in her mind one by one, as the beads went limp in her hands, and her resentment for Levi only intensified. For every squad that Levi had led, he had been the only survivor. Her intuition did little to fail her name.

The blur came with the breeze. From her mind's eye, finally, she felt her heart lift, her breath come out in small puffs and tufts. Her blood sang, and for a moment, there was the timing of bells in her own head dancing to a new tune.

A red scarf, a hanged man, a woman crushed under a Titan's foot – and gray-green eyes that flashed as a ravenette with a red scarf hovered near him, her lips almost meeting his – a flash of gray eyes and the blur of a bloody knife – arrows lit by fire, smoke, and a broken bar, and then the explosion of what seemed like what was Wall Sina. Fragments lit up her eyes, and she tried to recover those lost pieces of sensation and register them in her mind.

There would be chaos. There would be more death. This would be for the benefit of society. This would be for the deaths. This would be for those dead souls who deserved nothing from her, even those shameless Abellards who had almost led her to her death.

She had been a pawn, but then, what use was it to mull for every memory?

A vision; that was enough to suffice for now. Meg quickly stood up from her kneeling position.

Another fight? Live fast, die young, bad girls did it well enough.

Meg opened the door and put on her cloak.

"Squad Leader?" Theon squeaked.

"I wish to see Officer Jack Lithgow. We will discuss the upcoming expedition," Meg commanded, smiling once again.

[-]

"What of your partnership with Erwin Smith?" Jack sipped his cup of tea primly.

"We are still partners. We do trust each other, but I need something better," Meg replied, smiling. "I need you, too, for things."

"Any agreements you wish to negotiate?" Jack shot her a blank look.

"I will not allow you to share my bed. I wish for you to respect my decision to be chaste. Also, you will provide me coin, and manpower. Is that clear?"

"For what cause?"

Meg paused.

"I believe I have a calling. I believe I can help humanity by operating as a leader, a plotter, a lady. It is my duty to alleviate humanity's suffering from the Titans as a soldier."

"Is that all?"

"Take it as you wish." Meg winked at him gingerly. What she had needed was a benefactor who she could rely on to support her last-minute. This was Jack; he had connections to information about the Titans, and also, medical experty from five years as a doctor's aide. "I need your web of plotters and spies."

"What folly do you really wish to partake in, Meg?"

"This is no folly, I am guided by God." Meg clutched her rosary tight. "I have already something planned for them."

"What exactly?"

"I want spies installed across the Great Houses of the nobility. A maid, a cupbearer, at least three of them, in every manor of Great House except the Lyall and Capet. I want the Reiss, the Abellard, and every Great House supplanted with little birds who fly to you and me with whispers in our ears." She flashed him a lady's coy smile. "Moreover, I want spies within the Wallist Cult, and the Military Police. I need a personal army, too. Do I make myself clear, Officer Lithgow?"

Jack's eyes widened. "You have two squads under your control? Why not use them?"

"You promised me service. I now demand it – with no questions."

"Fine, fine, I will. Is this some sort of plot?"

"It is not. I find it extremely difficult to understand political plots."

"I suppose that is true."

[-]

"Do you exactly understand why I gave you back the handkerchief?" She took his king and looked back at him, eyes set and fist tight.

"I do, I understand." Her face was set. "I have a vocation. I have a dream, and I have already promised whatever I needed to do to it. I suppose you also wanted something else."

"I know you understand. Of course, you always do," he replied brusquely. "I had no idea how to explain to you everything all at once. Is it a lot to take in?"

"No. You can start explaining now. That's all I ask. I've been telling you to trust me, and yet, what happened?"

"You met me," he began, "when we were children."

It hit her like a storm.

"Tell me more."

"My father knew your father. My father knew your tutor." Erwin smiled bitterly. "Your tutor and father wanted my father to teach you. You came to see my father – and that's when you first saw me and I first saw you."

"So my handkerchief was yours."

"For a long time, it was." He eyed the chessboard, then his eyes flew back to her. "I didn't realize it was you for a long time. It came over me, that you were the girl who gave me the handkerchief, some years ago. We were already close, by then."

"When and where exactly did you realize that?"

"I realized that the day you left for the capital by yourself. How could it not be you? Blue eyes, red hair, of course, you were hard to forget, even as a child. As your Commander, I find it tricky to maintain a purely business-like relationship with you, after realizing that."

"I know."

"I gave you the handkerchief back because I can't give you anything you would have wanted of me that is emotionally binding. When I promised you you would be by my side, I meant nothing romantic."

"I understand, Erwin."

"You're still one of my closest friends and I value that, Meg. I have a duty, and you have a vocation."

She blinked.

"Did you ever think I might have loved you once?" His question was a small whisper.

_I should be the one saying that,_ she thought.

"Nope. It's hard to hope on such a thing," Meg replied. "I have only loved from afar, and it suits me badly."

"I think for a time, I **could** have loved you."

_For a time, I loved you, too._

"Not now, Commander," Meg whispered. "You made your decision, I have my own. You loved Marie, not me, and let us be content with that, please."

"I just wanted to clarify things to you. I thought if I told you myself, then, it would be better for you to know that."

"You've showed me enough. I'm not what you need. You need someone fair, more gentle, someone who is steady and willing to weather your tides. You're my Commander, you're my leader, and I follow you. That's all you need from me."

"You've given more than what I need," he replied.

"Let me do more."

He stared at her.

"My sin is not yours to bear, Meg."

"What sin do you speak of? All those men dying? All those women left with no one to weather the waves of life? We knew this all along, and yet here we stand, trying to do something! Everyone's just doing their best to fight this battle, remember that."

"Not that sin."

"Well, then, whatever sin you speak of, you should lighten up." Meg sighed. "Don't be too hard on yourself."

"I'll remember that."

He looked back at her.

"What?" Meg mouthed the words. The cape lay in her shoulders, a smile glued to her face.

"Be safe on your missions."

[-]

Meg released the arrow.

It landed on the side of the bull's eye.

Well, shoot it.

She took another arrow and stretched the wire of the bow with all her strength.

Release.

It landed on the side again.

There was no wind, she thought, and peered closely through the bow. She sighed again. Her fingers laced through the wire of the bow and then she let her fingers pull.

Relax, Meg.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Was there wind still?

The wind blew in her ears.

She released.

A few more inches – and then the bull's eye.

"Aren't your arms aching?"

Petra chuckled.

"I shan't care less," Meg replied, as she took another arrow and laced it through the bow. "This is one of the best things about being a lady."

"… You're a lady?"

"I am Margaret Capet of House Capet, thank you very much."

Meg curtsied and released the arrow.

The arrow hit the bull's eye.

"Whoa! Not bad!"

Meg snorted.

"Not good enough."

She rolled her eyes.

"Why is it not good enough?"

"I can't lose to my other fellow veterans."

"Like Levi?"

"Like Mike, like Erwin, I cannot afford to be a weakling. This is a world where the men hug the knowledge. This is a world where if you are a woman and you grasp power, you will be detested."

Meg hastily pushed the hair out of her blue eyes.

"I cannot afford to be weak because I am a soldier and I have to act like a lady and a soldier."

"You're every inch a lady," Petra sniffed. "You can't convince others otherwise."

"Oh, really?"

"You're a queen."

"Who's the king?"

"Erwin Smith."

"Pfft."

Meg laughed.

"You mean Eyebrow King," she joked.

Petra burst into laughter.

"So mean of you!"

"I meant it as a jest, sweet sister."

"Really, you are fascinating in your own right. Every bit as fascinating as Erwin Smith and Levi."

"Flattery."

"Honestly."

"Go ahead. Try me."

"Who wouldn't find you fascinating? You act like an older sister, you have saints' knees, you still manage to charm everyone into liking you. Everyone likes you."

"No. I have enemies."

"I know, but still, my point stands. You have enemies, you have rivals, and yet here you stand, with a vision, with a history shrouded in mystery, and yet you win over men like you can capture a king."

"You are right."

"How am I right?"

"I'd know how to capture a king even with my eyes closed."

_I will teach you to capture a king_, Meg suddenly remembered Thatcher telling her. _Even with your eyes closed._

Thatcher had succeeded.

[-]

"Do you think we can still find her?"

Reiner shot a look at Bertholt.

"The cute soldier with the red hair?"

Berltholt nodded.

"Of course, believe in me!"

"What are you two talking about?" Jean grumbled.

"We met a pretty lady before we joined," Reiner explained.

"Pretty lady? What did she look like? Could she hold a candle to Mikasa?" Jean called. He moved out of the bunk.

"Red hair, blue eyes, she spoke like a queen."

"A heart-stealer?"

"She is!"

"What the hell?"

The door opened, and to the boys' surprise, Arry was standing at the door. Her short boy's cut hair was messy and she wore an old shapeless tunic.

"Hey, Horseface!"

"You're a girl, why are you here?" Jean demanded.

"I came to give you back your shirt –"

Some snickers.

Aria scowled.

"You lent her your shirt?" Marco asked.

"She ran out of clothes."

The shirt hit Jean's face.

"Here you go, Horseface," she snapped and the door slammed shut.

[-]

A huff, a puff, yet the tap of her boots on the ground, then the wires sprang into the air. Her heart beat faster, and her fists balled into the handle of her blades. A few more weeks, Arry told herself, and she would be out of this shitty military training, just in time to enlist to the Scouting Legion. She'd find him, she had sworn, by the blood in her veins. She'd make them suffer, this hell they had put her in, she would be underneath their skin.

"Are you okay?" called Reiner.

"I don't need your help!" she snapped. _One, two, three._ She launched into the air, zooming through the cracks of light appearing from the lines the trees created. From up here, she saw the eyeview of a bird. This feeling was something almost lovely, but it gave her the feel of a pumping heart that boiled in the vessels of her blood, that hollow blood, the singing of her soul. This was _action_.

Her back ached from the weight of the 3DMG but she did not release. She would not fall. She had sworn she wouldn't. Then she zoomed throughout the forest, intent on catching at least _two_ Titan dummies to elevate her ranking. She heard Jean grumble to himself, and behind him, the whirring of another person's 3DMG, and the shine of a shaved head. If Connie followed Jean, well, it wasn't Jean's problem.

Horseface.

Aria rolled her eyes. She jumped upward, and held up, with all her frail arms could manage, both blades on her hands. Two hands, one blade per hand, and then, she spun on her heel, using her light and small build to her advantage. Less chances of her gas running out, less impact on her landing, and then time for the Physics application – the spin of a centripetal force spurred her on. She spun – and then two Titan dummies' necks were sliced, accurate. They crumbled to the ground.

_See that, you bastard Shadis?_ Arry thought, as she sped by the grumpy training instructor.

Shadis saw two slices fall down – from a long spin. From the spin, the brunette launched upward, zoning with an accurate style. Interesting. The 104th had plenty of talented manpower – Annie Leonhardt came with her solitary attitude and superb fighting skills, Arlert with his brains and Jaeger with the passion of a young man intent for a purpose, and a lot more. The slices landed on the ground – and Shadis threw a look at the one who had sliced it. There she was, up above, zooming out in the air, with the short hair cut like a boy's and wolfish gray eyes that were as cold as ice.

Arry. They had called her Arry and she had requested it for that way. Arry carried herself like a boy. Fond of climbing trees, Shadis had seen through her during the first day. She had stared at him with those cold wolfish eyes, and when he had glared back, he had seen a sullen child who had seen Hell. _Anyone can be killed, Sir_, she had said to him, that day and he had quickly ignored taunting her for the rest of the day. She had the personality of a lobster at times – silent and yet deadly.

Mikasa's skill was highly unpreceded and it lay in her natural affinity for combat. Compared to the other trainees, Arry had plenty of potential. She scored highly on the written tests, and had one of the most proficient skills when it came to handling the 3DMG. However, she was poor at hand-to-hand combat but when Shadis was looking, he had seen her steal behind Thomas Wagner's back and then catching him off-guard, he was on the floor and she had the knife at his throat.

Aggressive when threatened, solitary, sullen, Shadis knew better than to doubt the amount of survival will she had.

_Aria Lyall. Intelligent and a quick thinker, but lacks tact and teamwork. Additionally, she is fuelled by survival itself._

Shadis wrote down the notes.

He had found her.

She landed on a tree – and then gave him the finger.

_Rank Number 15._

He had already made up his mind about her. While Matthew was fast, she was quick and clever. Lyalls were honourable, but this one, he felt she would not. The glint and steel in her eye said she had duty in her blood – but she could be a serial killer.

How?

The first time he had seen her, she smelled like dried human blood. Her fingers were cut and there had been a knife hidden in her baggage.

[-]

"Squad Leader!" Theon hurriedly banged on the walls of her office. "There's something you need to see."

Meg quickly opened the door. "What is it?"

"There's a rogue Titan outside."

They ran outside, with her squad flanking her. She had to see this. Another kind of Titan? A battle outside, that had registered in her mind, as she had sped outside, with her squad. Jane Hall whimpered, Theon put on a brave face, Darius took in breaths.

"Squad Leader! What the fuck are you doing?"

Meg had proceeded to run ahead, wanting to go nearer.

"I'm going to look at it myself." Theon grabbed her arm, but Meg quickly slapped it away.

"I will do it, regardless or not. I am your leader, so obey me!"

Theon swallowed and took a step back. Meg took a few breaths as she sped through the blur of what was now Trost – Titans again, people dead, and a blur of events. Nonetheless, she had to keep her cool. Queens kept their cool, queens made their people love them. She knew better how to be loved so easily.

Finally, she spotted Dot Pixis, standing with a young lad with flashing eyes that appeared green in lights and gray in moods. His hair was brown and he was taller than her by tons. Dot Pixis would be making a speech. From a floor below, Meg spotted Jon. She quickly pulled out some parchment and a pen and her bow and arrow and started to grasp the pen.

"… I shall now introduce him to you. Eren Jaeger of the Cadets," Pixis roared, "… he will transform into a Titan, pick up that giant boulder near the front gate, carry it to the breach in the wall, and block the hole with it." He droned and as he spoke, Meg's mind snapped as she tried to register everything, every word that Theon had breathed. Soldiers had almost executed him, he had said – that Jaeger boy was dangerous. He had transformed into a Titan.

A Titan. Impossible – but then, Meg knew. She would ask the boy herself, she told herself. A girl named Mikasa Ackerman and a boy named Armin Arlert, they had defended Eren from execution.

Atlas walked, she saw. She saw him walk with the round stone on his arms, and march his way. Titan, human, she saw Atlas, the world on his shoulders, the hope of a cause that she had fasted and killed for.

"Squad Capet! Go defend the city so that Jaeger can do his job," she shot at them, flying as she watched.

Well, this was going to be _interesting._

[-]

"Jaeger? He's the son of the doctor," Jack said. "He has the key to the basement in Shiganshina. I personally saw Dr. Jaeger hand it to his son myself."

Erwin shot him a look.

"Where's Meg?"

"She's outside!" Theon, Meg's new assistant, was nervously huffing and puffing from the state of exhaustation. "She wanted to check out the Titan problem herself outside. She has a gleam in her eye."

"Levi?"

Levi grunted.

"I'll fix that, too."

"Watch over her for me," Erwin added. "I need to coordinate with her. That girl has good instincts."

Levi frowned.

"Long time no see, you and her," Theon butted in.

Awkwardness.

[-]

She managed to spot him before he even moved and quick to react, Meg had managed to move back into the headquarters. Avoiding Levi was a tactic she had mastered better than anyone. She hated him; he made her eyes itch, her skin water and burn and that old resentment and confusion boil underneath her stomach. She touched her lower lip worriedly, as she walked through the hallways leading to the Commander's office, those lips that he had touched and kissed. The last person she had kissed had been Matthew, and she had no time to fuss over that.

Her hair was messy, and her face was suddenly wet. Had she been crying? She tried to wipe the tears from her eyes and she politely opened the door.

Two pairs of eyes fixed on her.

"I apologize for barging in but I want to bring up a matter with you, Commander," Meg breathed.

"About time you came in," Levi snapped. "We sent Lyall ahead instead of you."

Meg opened her mouth to argue but knowing Erwin, she relaxed her shoulders and furiously ran her hands through her silky fringe.

"It's about Eren Jaeger. What do you plan to do with him?"

Erwin looked up at her.

"We were discussing that. Before making a decision, I want to see him for myself. Jack already told me about him."

_Jack knew him_. Had Jack been unfaithful to their stipulation? Her knees almost buckled. Meg inhaled.

"Erwin, I think he is what we need, that is what I feel," Meg insisted. "He'll be a valuable asset if we do invest in him." She took in more air. Her heart had never felt so light. So free.

She managed to smile.

"I believe he can help. I've never felt so strongly as this. I swear it on my blood, I swear it on my prayers, on every cause, on the blood I've spilled. We have to give him a chance!" She hit the table so hard, the fire in her eyes, in her veins. There was no stopping it now. For this moment, she had seen what she could and had done. Humanity had hope. She had helped, and she would make it an empire.

She had an empire of her own.

"As always, she has a point."

Levi rolled his eyes.

"Oh, and another thing." Meg grinned wickedly. "I request to accompany you to see him," she went on. "I want to talk to him. If possible, Erwin, I'd like a word with him, and also, I'm planning to talk to more people. I want to make sure our losses will be repaid."

"Consider it welcome."

"Good!"

She clapped her hands.

She wanted to dance.

She wanted to squeal.

She found herself spinning, giggling like a girl in love, acting like this was a drama and her ship had sailed.

This was the flicker.

This was the start.

This was hope.

Better yet, she had realized this was something so strong yet so small.

"Where is he now?"

"Under the Military Police's custody."

"What?"

Her voice rose.

"They took him."

Meg sighed.

"Well, what now?"

_I have to find a way._

"She thinks we have a chance with Eren," Erwin admitted.

"What do you think?" Levi barked.

"Give him a chance," Meg pressed. "It's one of the best assets we can get. He will be Humanity's Hope. I have a strong feeling about him. Get the boy under our custody – and let him grow like a flower watched here! We can save humanity, and I'm willing to take him in."

Meg sighed again.

"I'll talk to the Military Police and the Garrison."

"Talk to Commander Pixis. When we meet, I want you to see him first."

"I will!"

She ran out the door.

"Still a child," Levi grumbled.

"Is there anything wrong with that?"

"The body of a woman and a child's mind. It's terrifying."

[-]

"Do you have the data?"

Jack quickly buttoned his shirt.

"I did, as you asked." He smirked. "Checking me out, are you?"

"I am not. Why would I?" She held up her rosary. "Just give me the data. I have tried to convince Erwin to invest in the Jaeger boy. I have a good feeling about him. The boy is a potential weapon, we need someone like him."

"You still haven't talked to him yet you speak as if you know him so well, you know him."

"Do not doubt me."

Jack frowned.

"Do you know why I have to doubt you? I'm not like you – I'm not superstitious, I rely on logic. Thinking. Of all people, you!"

"I am _**not**_ superstitious, Jack. My bones tingle – I can feel that he is the answer to all the questions saving humanity has imposed on us!" She breathed with the flickering passion in her chest. Eren Jaeger, the hope of humanity – for a moment, she had seen Atlas, and she had believed it. "I am relying on my gut feeling. I know he is Humanity's Hope, he is Atlas carrying the whole world with him, and please God, I know he can do it. I believe in him! I do! I do!"

He stared at her.

"You wished to see the data, right?"

Meg nodded.

"According to my web of plotters, Dot Pixis was swayed by Armin Arlert's speech to save his friends. Eren was supposedly dead, but he resurrected as a Titan. Mikasa Ackerman, and Armin Arlert and Eren Jaeger come from Shiganshina."

"Go on."

"Dot Pixis is free within the next five hours. He is going to have a drink in a Trost tavern, too. Also, the Abellard have gone to Trost, coincidentally. Nile Dawk and the House Abellard head have met and they will be present at the trial, just so you know. Eren Jaeger will be put on trial, too."

"Ungrateful wretches." Meg's lips twisted. "He saves their filthy hides, and now they want him on trial? What kind of justice is this, Jack? These aren't the people we should serve." She thought on about it as she tried to ponder this thing in her head. "We should serve the poor, the weak, not the rich who want blood on their hands and the crown at their heads. They don't know what it is like, to be us."

"Don't you understand?" Jack sniggered.

Meg smiled like a child.

"Oh, I don't. They want to control him, don't they?"

"Well-played, Mistress Meg. What is your next move now?"

"I will go to Pixis, and then talk to Ackerman and Arlert myself. They should know."

"Oh, and I have another piece of juicy gossip for you."

"Tell me."

"There are reports that say Aria Lyall is alive. A girl named Aria Lyall is out there, and there are two Aria Lyalls. One is real, one is an impostor. There is an Aria Lyall inside Trost, there is an Aria Lyall who is making her way down to Sina as of now. Captain Pixis was tapped on by Matthew Lyall to keep an eye on Jaeger; Matthew persuaded him to keep an eye on the 104th for a while. Captain Pixis has the imposter, a girl with black hair and gray eyes. Speak to Pixis, and speak to the girl. There were many reports about Aria Lyall, too."

_Aria Lyall._

"A girl with a torn dress, a young boy in blood, they were spotted within the same day. Matthew Lyall is looking for a ghost that has a low rate of survival."

"He holds onto the ghost. It's all he has left."

"Still, if I were him…"

"This is not your place to decide. You are an officer, he is a captain. Know your place, Jack."

"More data. Remember the Lyall's ermine coats?"

"Yes, I do."

"A Lyall ermine trimming from a coat was found in an alleyway, on the way to the military trainee camp. It is safe to concede that Aria Lyall may have been on the way to the military trainee camp. There were rumors of a Wolf running in the dark in the alleyways two years after the Fall of Wall Maria. A wolf. A Lyall."

The wolves.

"It will be safer to think she may be either the imposter or lost as a military training. It'd be logical to find Matthew."

"If she was in the military, then, Shadis would have sent you a note."

"He would." But could he have found her and sent nothing?

[-]

"Can I tell you that Commander Erwin Smith is absolutely lucky to have a woman like you?"

Meg almost jumped. The blush spread to her face, as soon as the compliment left the Garrison Commander's lips. He had kissed her hand and she had almost curtsied – but thank goodness, she had done the salute with all conviction her act required her. Wait, what context did the man mean?

"M-Me?" she managed.

"You're so pretty. If you were a Titan, I'd love to die in your mouth."

_Whoa._ Meg giggled and she held the irritation within. _Just talk to me already!_ Nonetheless, she pulled the lady over her faith in her mask.

"We are not lovers," Meg clarified, raising her brows and she quickly smiled. How amusing.

"Lovers?"

"Yes! We are friends!"

Meg was tempted to pull out her fan and flirt it near her face. Instead, she wrapped her shawl around her tightly.

"Commander Pixis, I have wished to speak to you. It is about the boy."

Pixis took a sip from his wine flask.

"Jaeger?"

"Yes. I feel so sorry for him. I want you to tell me about him."

"The boy is a force to deal with. Passionate, moody. He's young, ambitious. I think, you can teach him."

"I want to."

"No problem, then. I want his custody in my hands."

"If you manage to make a way to do it, I won't doubt your cunning. I may compliment you on your looks, Lady, but I know better than to underestimate you."

"If I can get Erwin to make a play for him, I do not doubt his support. If I can manipulate Ackerman and Arlert into entrusting Eren to me…"

"You can do that."

"One more thing." Meg leaned forward. "I want to see this so-called Aria Lyall impostor."

Pixis raised a brow.

"Very well."

[-]

She was a fortune of war, dressed in Lyall gray, no jewelry, wearing a fine blue dress and ermine, her black hair messy and braided. When Pixis bought the girl to Meg, Meg knew better than to judge.

"Who are you?" this imposter whispered, her head down, the long black hair flowing down her chest, a raven's wing.

"I am Lady Margaret Capet."

"… you must be that beautiful lady." Her voice broke. The impostor was Aria. Yet Aria was supposed to be fifteen. This person in front of her in silk and ermine and braided hair did not look like a fifteen years old girl. Her voice was high-pitched, and she avoided Meg's stares. "Matthew oft talked of you. How you looked like. How you wept. How people loved you."

In her voice, there was sadness. In her body language, there was sadness. Atlas sat at her shoulders. This girl had not seen men die, had she? Had this girl really been telling herself a living lie?

"Look at me so I can see your face, sweetling."

The girl looked up.

She had fair skin, and thick brows. Her face was round, nor was her jawline strong. Her body was curvy, yet Matthew had said that Aria was tiny for her age, slight and thin. Her features were showy yet Matthew had said Aria's features were tiny. She had big eyes, whereas the Lyall's eyes were the shape of almonds. Instead of gray eyes, she had eyes that was gray-green.

"How did you survive the Fall of Wall Maria?"

"Paul died trying to get me and Lord Father out of the rubble. He told us to run for our lives."

"You say that you got out of rubble but how would you still survive in such finery?"

The girl trembled and stared at her. Her cheeks were wet.

"Worry not. We will protect you," Meg assured her.

[-]

"The Lyalls have been separated from Sina long enough," Pixis told her. "The girl's aunt ran away and because of the scandal, the aunt's brother, Lord Lyall, he went into exile in Shiganshina. He lost his wife to a plague, and raised his children there."

"The Lyalls left at Sina and the other Great Houses want her back," Meg insisted.

"They do. They won't care what she looks like, as long as she is the only Lyall left."

"I think she is an impostor," said Pixis.

[-]

"Have you seen Meg?" Theon hurriedly rushed through the crowds.

"Is it really hard to keep track of her?" huffed Mike.

"She's so chipper today," Theon chuckled. "I haven't seen her smile like this in such a long time."

"Erwin must be so… overwhelmed."

"I don't know!"

[-]

"Are Mikasa Ackerman, and Armin Arlert in here?" A young Survey Corps soldier stepped inside the hall.

"I'm Armin," said a blond boy. The girl with the red scarf beside him looked at the soldier who had said her name.

"I am Mikasa Ackerman," said she.

"You are invited to have dinner," begun the young man, " with Lady Margaret Capet."

Reiner and Bertholt stared at Armin and Mikasa.

"Is it…" Jean's eyes widened.

The soldier offered his arm to Mikasa.

"My name's Jon. I will accompany you two."

Mikasa fiddled with the scarf.

Then she took his arm.

[-]

When Meg saw the young woman with the red scarf, she did not drop her spoon. She rose from the chair, in all her glory, her bravado, her beauty. She smiled.

_I was right._

"Welcome."

* * *

**Notes:** Finallyyy! New update!


	14. On Each Other's Team

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Chapter 14:** Each Other's Team

**Summary:** They're all on each other's team, anyway.

* * *

"What can you say about Eren?" Tea poured perfectly into the cup. She had style, she had grace, all the manner of a princes, the grace of a queen, and the innocence of a maid, with the introverted passion of a nun. Hair the color of fire, her eyes were blue like Erwin Smith's, but they were eyes that were both cold, and now, warm. This was a _woman_, a woman king, a lady, a little queen, in the equation of this fiasco Eren had created. By the very manner she carried herself, this woman carried herself with pride, with grace, with style - was this woman a soldier, an enchantress, or an empress? While Erwin Smith exuded authority, Keith Shadis exuded strictness, this one had warmth, grace and at the same time, commitment oozing from her stature.

Feminine, and approachable, as well as gentle.

Armin and Mikasa swept looks at each other.

"He's my brother," Mikasa reasoned. She looked up. "I want to be near him. Will you let me see him?"

"You will." The pretty redhead beamed, the sun blazing off her gaze. "Please do tell me about him."

The wind blew around them. What could they tell her? Armin's hands went clammy. What had he seen? Would this good lady doubt them? Mikasa nuzzled her face into the red scarf and her shiny eyes looked at Meg with duty and devotion, loss in the sea of memories and longing.

"Eren's unstable," Mikasa blurted. "That's why I need to see him as soon as possible. I wish to keep him safe, Squad Leader Capet."

"What is he like, in personal?" Squad Leader Capet took a sip of tea daintily. Armin felt her blue eyes burn through him. "I want you to be comfortable with me, please." She leaned in closer, and she made effective eye contact with both Armin himself and Mikasa. "Please, trust me. I don't wish to hurt you. I'd never do that, never ever."

"What do you want from us?" Armin whispered. His fingers shook. Mikasa's gaze locked.

Capet smiled.

"All I want from you is to talk to me about Eren. Tell me of him. That is all. I will never hurt you. I will protect you. I swear this, on my honor as a lady, on my very faith."

_Can we trust her?_

"Will you be able to reach Eren?" Mikasa's voice shot through with her steely determination. "Will you protect him, too?"

"Within my power, I can," she replied quickly. "So please, tell me about him."

"Eren is precious to me," Mikasa went on. "He saved me, Squad Leader, and I can't bear it if we are separated again. He may have transformed into a Titan, but he _helped _us either way."

"Arlert?"

Armin gulped. She moved closer to him. He saw her bend down, to have eye contact with him. She was soft, with a good build. Nice to look at, with nice skin, and nice manners.

"Do you believe that Eren's ability to transform as a Titan will be benefit humanity?"

"I do."

Capet picked up the porcelain teapot with her dainty hands. She carried it, dolllike, and poured some tea into Armin's cup. As she poured the tea, the skin on her wrists and upper arms were exposed – the skin was nice and soft and pale. Armin blushed, but when he looked back, she was done pouring tea.

"What do you honestly wish to do with Eren?" She did seem nice, but still…

"I want him to live." Capet beamed. "I want to protect him."

"Will you promise me something?"

"Anything you wish."

"Will you swear to protect him like he is your own?" Mikasa was adamant.

"I do."

When she set down the teacup, her face was still warm. However, her words were said carefully. Her eyes shone, and there was a divine intent in her stature.

[-]

_What was I born for?_

The water spilt on her face, her hair a mess of red locks frizzing from the braid. In her nightgown, she circled around her room, the candles in her hands as she tried to pray.

_I am Lady Margaret Capet, and I was born to help humanity. I am a Squad Leader. I live to see the future, to see my visions of a new society without the threat of Titans hovering them. That is what I live for._

No.

Was it the power?

She couldn't go to bed again. When she closed her eyes, there were blurs. She saw strawberry blond hair scattered, blood under a Titan's foot, crushed on a tree, she saw the red scarf and the teal eyes – and then the Hanged Man. When she closed her eyes, the blurs spun. When she opened her eyes, the world was at a standstill, and the Sappho book lay at the floor, abused.

Matthew?

The door was open.

"You couldn't sleep?"

Meg frowned. Erwin was sitting, looking at the candles. He wore an undershirt, and pants and slippers.

"I really couldn't," she admitted. "It's useless. The nightmares won't go away."

"I suppose you'll have to live with them."

"I can't." She grit her teeth.

"Pray?"

"I pray too much." She sighed. "Do you have any ideas?"

"How about a game of chess?"

Meg quickly tapped the blanket at her bed.

"Consider it done."

"Don't you suppose we could do more than play?"

"I don't know."

Meg ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

"It's so long."

"I was told to never cut it off."

"You have pretty hair."

Meg shrugged.

[-]

She came out last. Her short dark hair was messy, her face pale and cold, and she held her 3DMG with this murderer's fingers wrapped around tightly. For majority of the battle, no one had seen Arry come out. She had snuck out – she didn't really stand out until she opened her mouth or did something on purpose. When she opened her mouth, she usually sparred verbally with that crazy Jaeger kid.

"Why were you late?" asked Jean as they came in line.

Arry looked at him.

Her gray eyes had darkened.

"I…"

Her fingers shook and her brows creased together.

"Did you get scared of them, too?"

She looked away.

Then her hand hit his cheek.

And she ran away.

[-]

"As promised."

At the rooftop, as promised, stood Dot Pixis. His head shone under the golden glow of the sun, and a smile laced his lips as he saw the sight before him. Commander Erwin Smith had arrived early, and beside him, Meg stood, on guard, the bow and arrows on her back were wound tightly close together. It must have been amusing, to see the height difference between the redhead and the blond commander, with their eyes blue, and the silence between them.

"You're as straight-laced as your reputation, I see," greeted the bald Garrison Commander. He winked at Meg.

Erwin nodded.

"I see you bought your Squad Leader with you. You two are quite the team. A pretty face and a clever mind to represent your division."

"He is my Commander. What else is my duty besides to serve him?" Meg replied. She smiled back, her face a mask. "He is my Commander. I follow him." She winked back.

"You can leave us now," Erwin ordered, and Meg inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. She looked back at him. Did he understand how dangerous this situation could be? She knew Dot Pixis was a smart man, but to what extent did she have to trust him? Caroline Thatcher had taught them both to think like a king, to see the world as a map, to map out their ambitions and to overcome the daggers at their backs. Thatcher was a wise woman of the world. Did Erwin really comprehend this through and through like she did?

"Are you sure?"

"I am. I'd like to have a word with Commander Pixis alone, Capet. This is an order."

Meg grit her teeth as she nodded her understanding. The hood lifted above her head and she slowly started to walk away.

"Don't come back for me. My carriage will wait for me. I am sure you have some pretext." His voice carried far over.

"I do."

She didn't realize that until she was out of the building, far away from him, that inwardly, her chest ached. Was it loss? Where was Thatcher when she needed someone? She missed Thatcher. Thatcher would have understood. Erwin was her friend. Erwin was her Commander – was it right of her to latch onto him this way? She needed and wanted more. Could she have been dreaming when she told herself to serve the way she did?

Was it love? She looked up – and she saw him, with Dot Pixis, talking. The feeling wouldn't just go away. How many miles could she have walked for him? He had sailed from her. Could she still trust on him? The fire still burned at the base of her chest and it beat fast. Was it for her own hope? Was it for the heart set on a chain? Could she still have made explosions for love of him? She hadn't loved Matthew like the way she had loved Erwin before.

_I do not have any option. I have to trust him. _It just wouldn't be the same.

"Long time no see."

"Good day, Corporal," she greeted, polite. A smile latched onto her face.

Had he shrunk? His hair was shorter, and he was neater now. A little older, and every inch a neat freak, there he was, sullen. Being a survivor could do that. The little queen and the man who once used to be knight in the same side of the lower part of the building, waiting for the man who was their king.

_Do you love Petra?_

"Looks like the Commander has taken note of your little scheme." Levi's gray eyes were impassive – and then, they shone. They rarely shone, Meg had noted. Even back then.

"I had a point and Erwin knew it was for the best." Meg smiled. "How is Petra Ral?"

"Petra…"

_He loves her._ Meg ground her teeth.

Silence.

Meg wanted to hit him.

But then, she didn't.

For the love of Petra, she did not. Petra was her friend. Petra was a friend. Petra was a sister. Meg had lost far too many sisters.

"I didn't think you and Lithgow would be chummy."

So he knew?

Meg froze.

"We work together, as soldiers."

"I see. A lot of people are attracted to you. You must think of yourself as some kind of Messiah, aren't you?"

"I don't. I follow orders. I am a soldier. I am guided by God, I am guided to deliver what I have to. I know what I can do. What I think is right, I will do it."

"At least you have something that guides you. I don't know what's right or wrong sometimes." Levi looked at her with something fishy in the lines of his face. "Like you, I'm stationed here by order to wait for the Commander until he comes down. After that, I'm sure you already know."

"Talk to Eren Jaeger."

"Sharp as ever, aren't you?"

Meg shook her head.

"I'm not sharp. Didn't you think I was stupid?" she snapped. "Didn't you think I was some silly little girl with no blood on her hands?"

Levi crossed his arms.

"Who the hell gave you that idea?"

"Your actions did," Meg beamed.

"You were wrong."

"Wrong? Care to elaborate that to me, will you, Corporal?" Meg scowled.

"I'd be wasting my breath."

"Then it's useless."

"Of course, it would be."

He frowned – and she looked away. When she looked back, he was glaring at her. His jaw was set, and he held his position like a man on a mission.

"Commander told me not to let you join us when we talk to Jaeger."

"What?"

_So he knew._

"He did. Don't play coy with me."

_He knows._

[-]

"Were you nice to Corporal Levi?" Petra giggled behind her hand as she took a sip of black tea. The cafeteria of the Survey Corps was not that crowded. The recent catastrophe meant a great loss of numbers.

"I wasn't."

"WHAT?! Seriously, Meg! You seem to have this dislike for him. Maybe you two had history and I never knew," Petra huffed.

"I met him when I was fifteen and he's been rude to me from Day One. That's why I do not like him."

"Maybe you're too Erwin-biased," Petra pouted. "All you see is him all day and all night long, for goodness knows what."

Meg laughed.

"Come on, Petra. Really, look at the gist of it. I don't think they trust me at all."

"Don't trust you?"

"Yes."

"I think they do. Erwin's commanded me not to talk to Eren Jaeger. For the love of what is holy, I was the one who bought up Eren Jaeger's case to his face. I will not let it go unharmed."

Petra studied her closely.

"You know…"

"What?"

Petra set down her teacup.

"You're like water."

Blue eyes met blue.

"And water always finds a way."

[-]

In the end, what was it all left to her? Her fingers shook as she tied her hair up into an elaborate braid and she slipped into one of the most expensive and dressiest gowns she had ever laid eyes on. This had been her mother's – green velvet, slightly revealing around the chest area, but this was for show. She rouged her cheeks and lips and slipped on a necklace and the green soldier cape to hide her identity.

"Who are you?" Another familiar question was directed to her by the guards of the Military Police.

Meg slipped the green hood off and flashed a quick smile.

"Lady Margaret Capet, of House Capet."

The two guards swapped glances.

"I will go in regardless of everything."

She pulled out the bow and arrow.

The two guards then resigned to letting her in. The dungeon was slightly damp. Wet, cold, and a cramped space. It made bad space for keeping prisoners in, but still, it had to do. Meg's nose twitched at the stench, but she put on a brave face as her heels met the clacking of the dungeon floor. Her white plum perfume had practically scattered.

Oh, gods.

There he was.

In one cell, lay a bed and in the bed, lay a boy. He had short dark brown hair and he had a white shirt on. His features were very animated. So to say, he was rather slightly muscular. Rather, gangly, too.

His eyes opened.

"Are you a goddess?"

Meg walked nearer.

"Hush." Her finger to his lips, and she let her hand caress the boy's cheek. "Don't worry. I'll get you out of here. I know your name. Your name's Eren Jaeger, aren't you?"

"I am."

The boy blushed.

"Who **are** you?"

"I'm a friend. You can trust me."

Meg smiled. What had this boy seen? Her eyes flickered to the boy's own pair of eyes. His eyes… She was certain she had seen them before. She could believe in him. She would not give up on him this quick.

"Can you, really?"

"I will."

Meg shut her eyes then she opened them again.

"Tell me, Eren Jaeger…" Meg's voice was laced with warmth. "Tell me what do you want."

The boy's eyes widened. He was incredulous.

"I want to offer my body to Humanity, and eliminate every single last one of the fucking –"

"Watch your tongue, boy."

Eren hung his head.

"I- I'm sorry, my lady."

"Hush."

She wrapped her arm around him, and lay his head on her shoulder.

"You want all these single Titans dead?"

"I-I do."

"Tell me why."

"My mother…" The air had turned cold. "My mother… I saw her die…. Eaten by one."

"Well, then. I'll get you out of this poor excuse of a cell."

She lifted his head from her shoulder.

His eyes lit up.

"R-Really?"

"Yes."

At that, she gave him a peck on his cheek. Her hand lunged inside the pocket of her dress and she pulled out a flask.

"Have this," she told him, and the boy took the flask.

When she started to walk and she heard the flask fall to the floor, it was relief.

[-]

"_Always make sure your hands are clean, when you get them in places you don't want anyone to know," Thatcher explained. _

_Meg nodded._

"_You have the choice to be compassionate. Whether you have abusers or not, it's incredibly important you keep your cool. You of all people should know that. With knowing comes discernment and with discernment, you are able to empower yourself. A woman dresses for herself, not for her man. She creates a world, she can preach, work, build, and destroy just as much as a man can."_

"_Captain, what about the men?"_

"_Men hug the world to themselves. To attract a man is not your priority."_

"_Then what is?"_

"_It is survival. It is to keep on surviving. What use are your own plans if you cannot live long enough to put them into motion?"_

_Meg dipped the pen into the ink and started to write._

"_How will I survive to live for myself if the men will not tolerate me?"_

_Thatcher smirked._

"_Good question."_

"_Answer me."_

"_You smile in their faces. You play your cards. Take your chances, and wait. Be patient, be kind. Everyone fights a battle, and they do the best they can. Everyone's life is a candle on a wick, and in the end, we all wait for the ringing of the bell when it tells you who is the victor."_

_Thatcher opened the closet._

"_You must dress to feel good. You must look good. Speak well. Carry yourself graciously, with kindness, with warmth, with compassion."_

_There were many dresses. All of them were beautiful – and exquisitely made. What caught Meg's eye was that they were rather loud in a way._

"_I will."_

"_When you wear something bold, you must remember who you are. You are Margaret Capet, you are a Capet. You are kind. You are gracious. You are a lady."_

"_I will."_

"_And everyone will want to kiss you, hate you, kill you, or wish to be you. This is the sad truth. Which is why you must make them love you."_

"_How?"_

_Thatcher looked at her squarely in the eye._

"_Be yourself."_

_She took a flask and handed it to Meg. _

_Meg caught the flask._

"_What is this?"_

"_Perfume. White plum."_

[-]

"So you did talk to Jaeger?"

Jack smirked at her. The color of his eyes had not changed. He had aged, but he had done it well. After arriving at the HQ, Meg had been eager to throw herself into the water and bathe the make up from her face and she had thrown on clothes. After a fresh change, she had rushed and locked herself inside Jack's quarters, with his paperwork and medical textbooks. Jack had been there, eager to please.

"I did."

Jack acknowledged her answer with a nod. "So how was the little brat? I have not seen him for two years."

"He is quite comely," Meg replied brightly. "I looked over his records. He's not going to be a bad soldier. With time and training, he can become an ornament to mankind. Very passionate, young, driven. I will take him under my wing. I will do that."

"Oh, I don't know."

"Do you or do you not trust my judgement?"

"Do you really exactly know what Eren Jaeger is?" Jack Lithgow's lips twisted. "He's dangerous."

"How is he dangerous? He can be that."

Jack sighed. "Did you or did you not talk to Mikasa Ackerman and Armin Arlert about him?" His tone was whiny.

"I did."

"What did they say?"

"They said Eren was capable."

Jack shook his head.

"Damnit! They haven't told you everything."

"Then tell me!"

"Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman murdered two men when they were nine years old. The two men wanted to sell Mikasa Ackerman into the black market."

Meg said nothing. When Jack craned his head, he saw her lines become a thin line. The light in her eyes did not dim.

"They did it," said she, "in self-defense, did they not?"

"Well, consider that," Jack replied frostily. "That's how cruel the world can be."

Meg looked at the ground.

No wonder they had faces like those. Mikasa and Eren had had blood on their hands. Was that how cruel the world could be? Was this truly the world she had wished to create? What kind of world was this? There had been no turning back. Her fists balled, and she just sat there. Was this the kind of world she had wanted? Back then, her head had been full of dreams and desires. Back then, there had been nothing more to fill her plate of a happy ending, that one day she was Snow White. Then Snow White had lifted the circuit boards on her head, and she had seen Thatcher fall.

Those Abellards, she thought. Those nobles who had sent a man after her to kill her, those military guns who had sent the men after Erwin. They had been partying all along. What kind of world was this? She had seen bits and pieces of this world.

This was not a world she would have wanted to live in.

"I'll protect them."

"You really have no choice, do you?"

"I have to do that. It's my duty," Meg snapped. "What else is left anyway? I've given my love to my work, I've given my heart to my duty. I've given my body to humanity!"

Jack chuckled darkly.

She had to cling to that hope in her heart. Fight for it. Whatever was left was left. For all the books she had read, for all her dreams, this was the pet one. No more dreams of a man in her marriage bed. No more dreams of a wrong world.

"I could call Charlie back."

"Please do."

The door closed.

[-]

"It would be nice if you got a vacation." Charlie and she were bathing. Charlie smelled of Titans and blood, and the smell of an old woman taking care of her. Her skin had tanned, and there were no more messes in her grin.

"You deserve a break," Meg observed.

"You're the one who deserves more out of this whole thing."

"I don't. All I do is work with paper and talk. I wish sometimes I was out there, with the wind whispering in my hair and my ears. I get to feel alive, but in reality, it's the paper and the water and the dreams that make me go wake up in the middle of the night."

"Maybe you could do that. Ask Erwin to give you such a job. You need to live."

"It's a good idea."

Charlie closed her eyes.

"I miss Braun," she whispered.

"I knew you would. Nobody would love him more than you. I'm sorry about it. I'm sorry."

"Stop being like that. I should worry more about you than keeping my own ass alive, can I? I can't even bear to look at Erwin in the eye so I make sure I'm tagging with Levi more often. He keeps me on track, and I'm happy I'm still functioning. Oddly, it's comforting my brothers are with Braun's mother, and when I go out, I can still go to his mother. His mother adores me."

"I always knew she would."

"You still haven't taken a lover, have you?"

"Nope."

"Haven't you offered?"

"Jack offered. I said no. When I close my eyes and try to imagine sharing a bed with a man, I can't see him. Sometimes, I do."

"And who is that?"

"I see Erwin, but it's so embarrassing to even acknowledge it."

"Did you offer to Erwin?"

"He wouldn't. I bet my first time if I ever did offer would be awkward. I got the sex talk from Levi. It was awkward and embarrassing. I already know I'm going to be bad at bed. I know it already."

"You're the one who wanted twelve kids, haven't you?" Charlie slapped Meg's bare shoulder and she giggled. "Well, if you want twelve kids, you have to learn to like it. The eel and the cave."

"Charlie!"

"Really, it would be nice to get a roll in the bed some time and again. I still haven't done that though. You keep your heart to yourself. Or you don't."

"We all learned the hard way."

"What about Matthew Lyall? I think he liked you. He talked about Sappho and you sometimes."

"Matthew gave his heart to duty." Meg massaged her temples with the hot water. "Me, I just gave him a kiss because he was good to me. I was fond of him, but I felt that I wanted something better, something more. I wanted a nice strong foundation, someone I could rely on. I wanted someone with a vision, and who was willing to fight for me."

"How about Levi?"

"Levi makes me angry."

"Oh, yeah. Petra's sweet on him and he on her, methinks."

"Just let Petra be happy, Charlie."

"You know, I thought he was fond of you. His eyes would light up when you were there. I saw you two one time, talking to each other. There was a connection."

"I don't remember that."

"Too bad. For a moment, I thought you gave him light."

[-]

Levi smelled the white plum perfume once he and Erwin took their first step inside the dungeon. As ordered, Meg had been spotted at the HQ. That was good, as she wouldn't be able to interfere with this. Interrogating Jaeger with her interfering was a calculated risk. If Jaeger and Capet would cross paths, Levi didn't want to imagine the outcome. Both had been young, risky, and ambitious. Two of a kind. Erwin knew her too well; either way, Margaret Capet was out of the way, and everything would proceed swiftly.

"What's this?"

There was a flask on the floor, it had rolled from Jaeger's cell. The boy's eyes were locked shut, and he seemed to be unconscious.

Levi picked it up.

This was suspicious. It was familiar, too. He knew it when he touched it. When he bought the flask closer to his eyes, something caught his eye.

_Thatcher_

The label was engraved in tiny shapes.

"What's that?" Erwin asked.

Levi turned to face him.

"The white plum smell," Levi murmured. "The flask."

"Someone's been here."

_Meg._

Could it have been her?

White plum perfume – he remembered it the first day he had seen her in the market. White plum, the smell of her clothes, the smell on her neck, the smell that clung to her beautiful red hair like a flame. Petra smelled like cinnamon, from the cinnamon she put in Levi's coffee, and she was cute.

"Who else would wear white plum perfume?" Levi grumbled.

"Unless Petra would –"

A shuffle interrupted them.

"Should we ask if he saw her?"

"It's not safe to do that," Erwin replied cautiously.

Eren Jaeger opened his eyes.

[-]

"What the fuck were you thinking when you snuck into the dungeons?"

The door opened, and Meg did not have to look when a hand grabbed at her shirt and pinned her to the wall. The stone dug at her back.

"I did nothing."

"You snuck in there. Who wears white plum perfume in a dungeon?" Levi snapped. She smelled his breath. It smelled of hot coffee and some alcohol.

"I am sure it was just your imagination."

Meg grinned.

"Idiot!"

"Come on."

Quickly, she pushed him away from her.

"Why the fuck did you just disobey the orders of your Commander?"

"I had to do it," Meg responded. Her voice did not shake. She took a step away from him. "Do you have any idea how insulting it was to put me in a corner? Do you even have any idea how much power I have?"

"Really?"

"I am a Capet. I am Margaret Capet, lady of House Capet, I am the Head of the Correspondence Division, I am the one who knocks at the capital's door for funds. I am a squad leader."

For a moment, he let go of her shirt.

Gray eyes clashed against blue.

"You should think twice before pushing me out of the picture."

"It's not my decision."

"Who said it was?"

Levi huffed.

"I want to be the queen," Meg found herself telling him. The words left her lips. Her façade fell from her like glass. They shattered on the ground. Sorrow by name, sorrow by nature, working for joy on overtime. This was her tale. "Not a queen. I am the queen of this chessboard, and Erwin is the king."

"Erwin is the king, do you understand?"

"Don't you know your chess?"

Meg laughed.

"Well, what?" _The highborn princess is still a princess at the core of her bones._

"The queen protects the king. She moves more than the king does."

With that, she curtsied and walked away from him like a lioness in the winter.

[-]

"I made a promise to Mikasa Ackerman to watch out for Eren." She had rode on the same carriage as him on the way to the capital. Eren Jaeger's trial had come. Erwin had to understand this. "If Eren will be on the field, send me out on the field. I didn't become a leader just for paperwork, Erwin Smith. You know nothing if you think I'm better fixing paperwork than fighting for humanity."

Erwin looked at her with something on his face that lingered. Was it doubt?

"Would I," he began, "trust you not to be suicidal on the field?"

"You can! I have so many people to protect! This is my destiny, to fight! Of course, you cannot let me rot with paperwork."

Erwin was quiet for a moment.

"I know you too well. Meg, you are ruled by your heart as much as your head."

"I can do this!"

"Could I trust you to always return to me, safe and sound?"

This was not a request. Meg could read it in the air. This was a promise. She read it in the air. She read it in his eyes, in the lingering latches of looks they released. Together, they had waded in this pool of blood, this chessboard.

"Why are you asking me to?"

"You're not a liability of mine."

Meg shrugged it off.

"Live or die, I do my job, Erwin. What about Eren Jaeger? Do I trust you to take him in as a soldier? He is meant to serve humanity. We are meant to protect him by default. I don't care what excuse you have. He carries the world on his shoulders, he is Atlas."

"I'll play it by ear. If we get custody of him, I want Levi to keep an eye on him."

"Levi?"

"Yes."

"Why not me?" she hissed.

"Levi thought it best you better not interfere."

"Don't you know better than to put Eren in his hands?"

Meg took in a hiss of air.

"Levi is good for Eren. Eren is young, a loose cannon. Young, ambitious, naïve."

"You mean, like me."

"That's why Levi is good for him."

Meg shut her mouth.

"I do have a request for you, Erwin."

"What is it?"

"Send me out in the field. I want to watch over the 104th."

"For what reasons now?"

"Eren Jaeger. I've had my interest piqued in them for a while. It might be good for me to start mentoring the other young ones before my time comes."

"You will not die, Margaret!"

"I might."

"You will not."

"The possibility hovers. What was I born for? This cause compels me to live."

"You will win this war. I'll be the one at the mercy of hell, in a canto reserved for my sins. You don't deserve to drown with me in my sins. If you survive, you will have all. You will have a man who will give you twelve children, you will live in a house on a hill, you will be a lady once again, not a wandering woman living under the shadows." He spoke this fiercely, eyes burning.

"Erwin."

"What's with you two whispering?" Outside, Levi tapped his foot impatiently.

Erwin opened the door.

"You know what to do."

Levi nodded.

_Something is between them._

"Listen, Capet, whatever happens, don't interfere," Levi grumbled. "Orders. You know that, don't you?"

_Don't tell me there'll be something explosive._

"Just watch."

[-]

"Is he well?"

The trial was over. Beside her walking were Jack and Jon. Both were concerned, lines creased the smooth foreheads, the lips dropping with no haste. Meg had seen Matthew Lyall watching her at the trial. How long had it been since a last talk? The copy of Sappho's poems, the talks over poetry, the silent lingering he had when he had been her subordinate and she his superior just walked all over her mind. When she had tipped her chin, his eyes shifted and locked onto another figure. Behind Mikasa Ackerman had been a girl with dark brown hair and wild gray eyes that shone of steel and wolves, and she knew better to hope that Matthew would look back at her. Matthew was a memory, and Matthew would be nothing more than a ghost.

"Levi went all out on him. Knowing Eren," Jack chortled, "I know he will survive that."

"That was a bit too much," Meg scowled. "It was just more than power projection."

"What's that?"

"It's when a figure of authority effectively implements policies by force in any of its aspects. It's all about showing who has the power. The Military Police and the Wallist Cult have just shown us that."

"Erwin will not back down."

"I know he won't. He can give us power but he won't give you a chance on love," Meg snapped. She found Jack smirking and Jon looking away, then rolled her eyes. "Forget I ever said that."

"It is quite unfair that Nile Dawk did put that dirt."

"You know what that proves, Jack?"

"What?"

"Our world is a dirty one and it's so cruel you have to kill to survive. We shouldn't be serving the interests of those in power. We should be serving the poor, the weak, the defenceless. The strong exist to protect the weak. Not the other way around."

They stopped at the door. The door opened, and Erwin waved them inside. Meg followed, beside Jack, the footsteps miserly and silent with the haunting of the nightmares turning slowly into multicolored faceted dreams.

Eren stared at her.

"It's…"

Meg smiled. Her fingers wound around the hairnet wrapping around the flaming red locks. The hairnet landed on the floor. Red hair jumped and rolled to her hips.

"It's you."

Levi raised a brow.

Meg knelt in front of Eren. The boy's wounds had been healed…_fast._ She took the boy's hand and kissed it gingerly.

"Eren, I'd be honoured to work with you. My name is Lady Margaret Capet, I'm also a Squad Leader and the Correspondence Division leader. I want to take you under my wing."

Eren blushed.

"I guess so."

[-]

Was it even real? Meg plucked the flower petal off the daisy she held in her hand. She had sworn to herself, was it even love? Sometimes, the memory came over. Sometimes, it left. How much was it even worth it? A daisy it was, delivered out of the blue, by Jon. She waited outside the HQ, the wind blowing on her hair, knowing that she would be on the field from this day on and there would be Petra to look forward to.

_Should I reconcile myself with all the things I have? _Was it even a dream? The tears did not come out.

"You grow prettier everyday."

Meg looked at him. Matthew had grown inches. He had the same face, but he smelled of dried blood now. The ghosts of his poetry lingered. It hurt, too. Was it excessive fondness? A stubborn kind of fondness? This was what they had, and what they had lost. He knew winter came, and she had lived in the winter and spring and buried herself in porcelain when underneath them all, steel was only a mask.

"I heard you asked Commander Smith to put you out there in the field."

"I did. I wanted more, you know."

The wind passed them over. He was a ghost in her ear. She was a passing lily. He had politely asked for a kiss. She had given him that. How could one miss someone so much when one had no idea of how such things worked? There was loss written in the stars. This was the fault of their stars, the ghosts that diverged in the wood of pain that remained. Did he know that, too?

_Do you still love me?_

"Pixis said you have the impostor under your keeping." Matthew's voice cracked. "He told me you talked to her. You knew who she was, weren't you?"

"She may be an impostor, but she doesn't deserve the any more pain. I knew who she was. Have you found her?"

"I think I may have."

"Where is she?"

"Within the 104th Trainee Squad. Congratulations on your new job."

"No problem on that."

Meg fidgeted with the hair on her fringe.

"Captain!"

Matthew looked away.

"I need to go."

_He doesn't love me._

When Meg looked back, she noticed Levi watching her, from his perch. His arms were folded, and he leaned against the wall.

"I want a word with you."

[-]

"I heard you're back out there in the field."

"I am."

"Well, don't expect me to save you all the time, do you hear about that?"

Meg smiled.

"Why would I keep expecting on you? Expectations crush reality. I am an intelligent woman, and in the first place, I wouldn't wish you to keep doing that for me. I don't want anyone to save me."

Levi glanced at her.

"I'll see you more often."

"I know." Meg bit her lip. "You will take care of Eren Jaeger, please. I want to take him under my wing, but you got there first."

"I don't trust you with him. You two are too similar. Young, ambitious, naïve."

Silence.

"We **will** work together. Accept that fact."

"I already have."

Meg forced herself to smile at him. Bile rose in her throat, but she couldn't do anything about it.

* * *

**Notes:** I'm kinda losing muse for Meg at this point, but Merry Christmas!


	15. Blank Space

**EMPIRE**

* * *

**Chapter 15:** Blank Space

**Summary:** Boys only want love if it's torture. It's going to be forever. It's going down in flames. If you can't love the players, you must love the game.

* * *

Something fluttered in her stomach, her belly, creeping beneath where her skin lay. All she saw was the colors. Meg turned her step, and let her heels guide her. In the air, she carved circles with the skirt she wore, holding onto hand.

She spun. Spring in her step, hair flying, she had never felt so free. Like a bird. Spring in her step, autumn in the air, she remembered.

"I could dance all day, it feels like flying," Meg drawled.

Vincent raised a brow as he quickly caught her hand.

"You know, you need to attend the ceremony," he pressed. Vincent was a captain in the ranks of the Military Police.

"I know, I know. I just hope everything turns out fine."

Meg quickly tied up her braid into a neat bun.

[-]

The lines were straight. This was the day of decision. This was the time. They were lambs taken to slaughter. Were they part of the fortunes of war? Or were they reluctant heroes wishing to take what they can?

The crowd moved.

_Come on, Arry._

_Come on._

Marco's corpse. The smell of fear. Aria's hand shook, and her body trembled. They had all seen it. Aria found herself gnawing rawly. The skin on her hands rose.

"Are you willing to die if you are ordered to?"

"I don't want to die!" The yell was unnecessarily loud – and yet it was there. It was alive. It was breathing. Who was it? "I don't want to die!"

It was her.

Aria made a fist – and it landed on her chest.

"You have my heartfelt salute."

[-]

The smell of food erupted from the mess halls after the new batch of recruits had finally done the salute. Just as Meg had planned herself – and just in time, too. Behind Erwin's back, she had devised a nice plan to welcome the new recruits by baking a special buffet made just for their delight. Being a soldier was tough, but they needed some incentive - and besides, it would make the recruits feel better. Generous, gracious – that was a lady indeed. Even if she was a soldier, she still felt the weight of being a lady on her shoulders.

"FINALLY!" Charlie yanked off her ridiculous pink apron and threw it around. The pink apron landed on Captain Vincent Raison's face.

"Did…" A brown-haired girl stepped from the crowd flooding inside the mess halls. Her hair was tied into a neat ponytail, and her eyes sparkled at the sight of the source of savory smells slithering from the room. Tureens covered hundreds of baked pastries and other rare delicacies. "Did you cook this all for us?"

Meg stepped forward. She kept her palms on top of the other, held her neck high and smiled cheerfully. "Yes," she allowed herself to say. "I did."

"That's so thoughtful of you," whispered a pretty blond girl with blue eyes. When Meg turned, her gooseflesh rose up from her skin. The figure in front of her had a lady's grace, none of her style. It was the simple elegance she carried herself with; you could feel how big her heart was with her. You could smell goodness from her, like a strong perfume. Soft blond hair, smooth skin and those big blue eyes; the appreciation Meg saw – she could read it like a book.

She seemed prim in face, prim in word, gentle in manner. Somehow Meg's spine shivered.

The same manners.

The diction of words.

Frida?

No. It is not Frida.

"It looks delicious," said the brunette with the gleam in her eye. She eyed the tureens appreciatively, drawn in by the smell of the bread and pastries, cakes, the fruits and the rich meat Meg had cooked with Charlie. The girl's brown eyes shone, and her nose twitched. She was trying to savour the scent, Meg thought. She had seen that look on many children's faces - Reiner, Bertholt, wherever they were, they must be about this girl's age, too.

"W-Who are you?" demanded a boy with a long face. He was taller than Meg, and he had strong white teeth. His hair was brown and beside him was a girl with a pale face, messy deep brown hair and gray eyes.

"I am a Squad Leader. My name is Margaret Capet, Squad Leader Capet, Head of the Correspondence Division. What is your name? Is there anything you need?"

The boy's lips twisted.

"Jean Kirschstein," he began.

There was something wrong with him, Meg realized. He seemed extremely _upset._

"Is there something wrong with you? Please, **do** eat," Meg murmured. She met his eyes, and smiled at him.

Jean only grew more pale as he scanned her.

An intake of air, and then his fist curled – and then he ran off.

The girl beside him scowled.

She glowered at Meg.

Steel in her jaw, metal in her eyes, there was little to be said about her. Her face was dirty, but if you scrubbed long and hard, she had nice skin. Her hair was cut like a boy's, and her nose was too long for conventional beauty, but if you really made an effort to clean her up and make her look nice, she would be a strong contender for beauty. This was some kind of Northern beauty, the way she held herself, she had steel within her.

"You've only made it worse!"

Her voice cracked like a whip.

This girl was fifteen but the way she said her words implied that she had seen much, much worse.

"I did not intend to –"

The girl collared her – her knuckles were callused and she had broken fingers. Hot breath that smelled of death and iron and the North, and gray eyes so solemn like ice.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" hissed the girl. "You think yourself better than all of us strutting around just because you're young and pretty and everyone likes you, don't you? You're only making it worse. No wonder the Scouting Legion is bankrupt – all of it goes to _**you**_!"

"ARRY! Stop it!"

Armin's voice.

**Arry**?

Aria?

"Armin, tell her I'm right. Tell her I have a fucking point." Instead of a blaze, her eyes were cold. Hollow. Like skulls.

Armin's face did not pale.

"You know, if Commander Erwin caught you doing that, he could court-martial you for harassment," began the blond.

"Am I right?"

Armin blinked.

Arry rolled her eyes and let go, and then turned her back and walked away.

"I'm sorry about Arry," Armin added. "Like Jean, she isn't having the best time here. She doesn't tell anyone but she has things rough…"

Meg touched the mark at her neck made by Arry's nails. Sharp.

"Meg!"

A tall blond – and a tall dude with black hair cut short.

"Reiner?"

Reiner nodded vigorously.

"Finally."

"You're all so tall now…"

"We'll make you proud!"

Meg sighed.

"Don't worry too much about Arry," Reiner assured her. He flashed her a grin. "She'll get over it. Always does."

"What is she really like?"

Reiner and Armin swapped looks.

"Quiet, and rarely spoke. She's rather intelligent, too," Armin began. "Did well in the written tests, played chess a lot."

"Does she read?"

Reiner chuckled. "A lot. She's always there."

_No sense of duty?_

The Lyalls had a strong sense of duty, as far as lore said. They were solid, silent.

Arry seemed solemn. She had something as grim as the North in her bones. However, when her nails dug into Meg's skin, it wasn't just a human girl doing it.

It was a girl made of darkness.

[-]

"Where did you get this?" Erwin's finger tapped the sensitive skin on the back of her neck. After arriving in the office, Meg had taken off her coat.

"From a fifteen-year old."

Silence.

"Does it hurt?"

"It's a little raw."

He chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"You smell like white plum."

"I always do."

"I think I'll miss you."

"Miss me?"

Meg blinked.

"I definitely will." Erwin was always serious.

"You'll still see me."

"It's not the same, you know. You'll be under Levi's watch. He'll look out for you. I know I will miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. Our little talks, the chess games, everything. I've spent majority of my life as a soldier with you." Meg fingered the strand of hair on her cheek. "Are we…"

"Are we what?"

"One in all things?" She sighed inwardly. This was not proper.

"One," he murmured. "One in mind; one in soul."

"You don't trust me, don't you?" Her fingers shook, her eyes dimmed.

"I trust you. You trust me. I don't doubt that. Why do you doubt me so?"

Oh well.

"I'll write to you, Erwin. If you wish it. I'll write everyday, tell you what happens. Something is going to happen out there." Might as well fill the space with her words.

_Everything is falling apart._

"Stay safe, and return to me. Tell Lyall I'm sorry for his loss."

"What loss?"

"He lost you."

"He never had me in the first place."

[-]

"Your name is Margaret Capet, right?" Eren looked at her. In the silence of the darkened room, they sat. No Levi, no Petra in sight, just her holding her tea cup, Eren looking at her. He had entered the room, found her basking in the darkness, her hair messy – the braid had fizzed out of the bun, her eyes dim, and she was writing with her pen, marking her words, noting the water outside gave her the chills like the draft in the river had told her that Petra wouldn't last long, that it seemed too wrong to wait forever for a destiny you took.

His green eyes bored into hers.

"Yes. Lady Margaret of House Capet. Take a seat, Eren."

He sat in front of her.

"Who told you to take me under your keeping? Did you really want me to be free?"

"I did it because I wanted to, Eren. You reminded me of someone, you see. Someone who wanted the see the world. Someone who believed in possibility. Someone who knew out there that there was a world beyond walls."

"What happened to that person?"

"She died. She got stuck in a dark place, a Titan's mouth, the shadow of the Wall falling over her. Darkness took over her, and darkness she became, Eren. It is a sin, a sin of despair, the sin of longing that came over her. It was death all the same and ever since, she has departed this world."

"I'm sorry about your loss."

"Spare me your pity. I don't want anyone's judgement, Eren. Don't worry about me."

"I thought you were amazing," Eren replied. He eyed her. "You seemed bigger than you looked whenever you spoke. It's amazing."

Meg sipped her tea.

"Don't trust me in me, Eren," she chuckled grimly. "I'm going to put my trust in you. You deserve much better than I do. I'll wait. Accept and carry my trust, and I'll help you with what I can."

Eren bit his lip.

"If there's anything you need, come to me. Don't break my trust. Don't throw it away. Look at me like I am your sister, who you can rely on. I want you to see me and Petra the same way."

"You two are so different," came his response.

"How?"

"She's so bright, so warm. She's open, and yet she lets me do what I want. You feel her warmth."

"Me?"

"You…" Eren's lips twisted. "On the outside, you're so bright, warmth, but then, there's something so _quiet_ with you. Is it the way you go alone? Everyone likes you, you're nice but then they say you take so long to get out of the quiet."

"Ah, I cannot apologize for that."

"It's no problem." Eren gingerly tried to smile at her – and he failed. Epically. "I do have a question for you."

"What questions?"

"Why are you so tense with the corporal? Why with the Commander, you're… different?"

"Different?" Meg blushed.

"You smile more. You laugh more. You make flower crowns, you sing to yourself. I saw him talk to you after he whispered in my ear."

"I don't like the corporal."

"Oh."

"Petra's better off with the corporal. The Commander and I happen to be close friends. That is all there is to it."

"What do you think about the two murdered Titans?"

Meg stared at him.

"Someone not from the Scouting Legion did it. The culprit has had training of the 3DMG, and military training too. Good skill."

"Y-You could tell?"

"Yes, I could," Meg replied swiftly. "It's definitely a soldier. Scouting Legion, no. Might be Garrison or the Military Police, but I'm betting the Military Police."

"Military Police?" Eren's eyes bulged.

"The Garrison's responsibility is tied to the Walls themselves. They would never leave the Walls, as so do the Military Police. With the Military Police, I am sure you can pull strings. I know how they spin their web."

Definitely the Military Police.

"Should I tell Corporal Levi this?" Eren's fingers shook. "Or Commander Erwin?"

Meg's thoughts flickered to Levi and Erwin.

"As of now, this conversation did not happen between us."

"But still!"

"I'm just a tired old woman waiting to die. No one will believe me. No one believes what I say."

"I don't believe you saying that. I believe you!"

"I'm an old woman waiting to die, Eren. The rest lies in your hands. You must serve humanity, the way we have done."

"How old are you, anyway?"

"I am…" Meg paused. In the mirror, she looked for signs. Her hair was still the copper color, smooth like a storm, her eyes were water, her skin pale steel, and time only showed the womanliness budding. "Twenty and six."

"Still young enough."

They sat there in the stillness of the night.

"You know, Eren, you're lucky."

Eren stiffened.

"You have Armin, Mikasa, you have comrades still. Don't take them for granted, Eren."

"Still, shouldn't you tell Commander about your suspicions?"

"That's how far I'll estimate. At best, try to protect yourself. The daggers at your backs are more dangers than the danger at the front. I'll do something about – then I die."

"I think it's miserable you talk of death so much."

"We all die, Jaeger."

"No!" Eren yelled. "I'm sure you can fight back! If you can't fight, you can't live! If you can't live, you can't win!"

"I see, that is how things appear to you. I beg to differ."

[-]

"I'd like to formally introduce myself to you guys," Meg cleared her throat. She easily let the smile dance its way onto her face, inspecting the young people before her. Sasha Braus, the brunette with the love for food, Jean Kirschstein, the kid who ran away, there was Armin Arlert and Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman. Mikasa caught her eye, and gave her a respectful nod, an acknowledgement of her effort. Immediately, Meg felt a little more comfortable and her shoulders relaxed. Behind her, she felt Petra's eye on her.

"What are you here for?" Jean demanded.

Meg did not take offense. She let a smile dance again, floating off her skin.

"I'm going to teach you something, it is required, actually."

"What is it?"

Eren Jaeger's brow furrowed.

Armin said nothing.

Mikasa blinked.

Reiner shrugged.

"Is it combat-related?"

"Military-related?"

"Actually, sort of."

A rustle hushed through the crowd.

"We are prepared to face this," declared Eren. His fists balled.

Meg grinned.

"I would be teaching you a military tradition. It's part of tradition, that all of us know how to do this. Commander Erwin is pretty good at it himself."

Armin's face steeled.

Beside him, Arry was impassive.

"Tell us what it is," Jean drawled.

"We will be learning…"

"How to fight –"

"Ballroom dancing."

A lot of faces paled.

"I need a partner to demonstrate –"

Hands shot up in the air. Bertholt, Reiner, Eren – and Armin all had raised their hands. She would need someone tall enough to reach.

"I appreciate your generosity, but I think I will take this one instead."

She glided through the floor, her neck long, and the new recruits moved ahead to make way for her. Then she took Jean's arm.

"I'm tall!" Reiner called.

"Too tall," Meg explained. "I need to reach the man's shoulder properly. Just watch me first before you try it."

Jean paled. He glanced at Mikasa longingly.

_So he likes her, huh?_

"Put your hand in my waist. The first dance I will teach you is the waltz."

Jean did – and it was just alright. Meg put her hand on his shoulder. Then they began to demonstrate the waltz.

"At the first count, girls, left foot forward. Men, right foot back. There is an elegance to this dance," she said, demonstrating the step easily. Jean seemed resigned already that he was her partner for now.

After the demonstration, Jean let go.

"I'll assign the partners."

A girl with a freckled face raised her hand.

"I wish to be Krista's partner."

Many faces dropped.

"As you wish."

"Eren, I'm putting you with Mikasa." Mikasa covered her face with the scarf.

"Sasha, I'll put you with Connie. Arry, I'll put you with either Armin or Jean." At this, Arry swapped glances with Armin, who slightly blushed. Jean sighed and threw his hands up in the air.

"Jean, you'll be my partner. Armin, stick to Arry."

From that point on, they began to tackle the first step.

"OUCH!" Armin howled.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"I stepped on him," said Arry.

She watched as others tried to do the first step with their partners. Sasha and Connie were fast to pick it up – if they only didn't fool around in class.

"Eren, hold her like you are the frame, she is your picture. Please straighten your posture."

Eren grunted and adjusted his stance, Mikasa looking at him with shining eyes.

[-]

In the lunch break, Meg thought it best to sit in the part of the building with a window, and a stairwell, with a red curtain hanging from its sill.

She sat in there, staring at the empty nothingness of space, the silence giving water to her present train of thinking.

"Squad Leader Capet, I'd like to talk to you."

Meg looked up.

Charlie was standing in front of her.

"I missed you," Meg murmured.

"I need your help." Charlie's voice was tight. The sandy-haired woman had much grown into her curves, looking prettier and prettier everyday, a subtle kind of beauty. An unconventional beauty that occasionally turned a man. The sun had toughened her skin, splattering it with freckles.

"What is you need help with?"

Charlie looked at her.

"I need you to weed out my father. He's still alive. Breathing."

"Still a soldier?"

"Who knows? I know he's out there. In the Military Police. Not here. I already tried to get Erwin to look at the database record but Hanji beat me to it."

"How would I help you exactly?"

"Weed him out. For me. Then I'll deal with him myself. The fucking dick will pay."

"Charlie…"

Her eyes flamed on.

"He left me and my mother in poverty. I can't forgive him for it. We had to scrap tooth and nail to survive. Don't you know what I had to?"

"You stole."

"I did. I could've sold my body!"

Charlie's voice sounded like a cracking rock.

"Very well."

Meg smiled back.

"I'll weed him out for you."

Charlie stared at her.

"Why?"

"For you, a thousand times over."

"Why? I didn't think you'd agree with me. I didn't imagine you of all people. Oh, Meg," Charlie moaned. She ran her hands through her cropped hair. "I didn't think you'd turn out like this of all things! You sweet innocent girl! What really happened to you?"

"I won't allow you to suffer. If you wish for him to die, I'll track him down and let you kill him."

"You don't deserve this."

Charlie was now crying. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "You don't fucking need to do this. You don't deserve all these things – all this pain, all this darkness. Why do you love him so much? Why do you keep pushing yourself on and on for him?"

"Who is this man you speak of?"

"Erwin Smith. What did he do to you?"

"He did nothing."

Charlie wrapped her arms around Meg.

"Then why are you like this?"

"Oh, it was all me," Meg found herself saying. "I did all this to myself."

When Charlie left and Meg's gaze followed her down the stairs, she saw a pair of gray eyes eyeing her back.

[-]

A few hours later, the first drop of tears splashed on the handkerchief at her lap, and the rose on her lap was another one she found in her room.

"I heard your conversation with Hunter today," Levi mumbled.

"So is it any of your business?"

"In a way, I suppose. I want to speak to you. In normal case, Officer Ral would do this, but anyway, my intention is clear."

"And that is?"

"Talk to you about some… things."

She saw him, alright. His fingers on the curve of the cup, his eyes fixed into her. His hair was neat, well-washed and she could still smell him. A clean smell with a hint of the Tristan he had become.

"What if I don't want to talk to you?"

"I still insist we talk."

"Very well, then."

She missed Erwin, she had to admit.

"Why did you stick yourself to me? Be honest with me."

"It's the last thing I need to do. Before I die."

"You're not dying, you idiot."

Meg scowled.

"I'll die eventually. I know it."

He saw through it.

"Why are you so stubborn?" he grumbled.

The wind blew by, the curtain covering them, by the window sill.

"Stubborn I am. Can't I be like that?"  
"Don't you even remember what you and I did ten years ago?"

"We… were comrades."

"Yes, and we still are now. You changed."

"So did you."

"Why are you so tense around me? As your colleague, I want a decent explanation. Erwin will kill me if something happens to you."

"Oh, he won't."

"He will, Meg."

"How can you tell? Are you sure you even know who he is? Are you sure you know the real Erwin Smith?"

Levi rolled his eyes.

"You can't die. You need to live. Didn't you say you were guided by God?"

"Let's wait and see then."

"What the fuck?"

"If I die." Meg gave him a grim smile.

His finger touched her cheek.

"Huh?"

"Your face is wet. Were you crying again?"

"No."

He leaned closer.

"Did you think I'd forget you?"

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"I would never."

"Huh?"

"You've always been too emotional."

"Leave me alone!"

"I won't. I don't plan to."

"Shouldn't you go to sleep now?"

"I still can't sleep."

There.

It.

Was.

Again.

Meg glanced at the rose in her lap.

"I can't sleep either," she wished to say.

"Go look at the stars, then," she said instead.

"You're with Petra all the time," Levi grumbled. "It makes it harder."

"Talk to her. She's nice."

"I don't mind her."

Silence.

"I want to play chess."

His voice was strangely calm.

[-]

"You two are talking again?"

"We are."

"That's good!"

Meg only sighed.

[-]

"Jon, go where Commander Erwin is."

"Why?"

"It's an order. Send this message to him. Tell him it is from me and it is urgent. My seal is there."

"Yes, Squad Leader!"

[-]

"What do you think?"

Jack nuzzled his neck.

"About?"

"The Arry girl."

"Ohh."

Jack snorted.

"She picks up fast in theory – but she isn't doing that well in dance class. Stepped on Arlert's foot a lot. I partnered her with Eren, but they ended up bickering and yelling at each other instead."

Meg shuddered to even think of it.

"Did she get along with Arlert?"

"… I think so."

"I had the impression she is a lone wolf."

"She is."

"Still, with Jaeger… I think they hate each other. It's total hate, but with Kirschstein…"

"Birds of the same feather, in a way. Rationality wins them over. They are young, Jack. Let them grow like flowers."

"You knew very well what happened with us five. Look what happened. Levi's a man surrounded by death, Erwin is the god of war, Charlie is Aphrodite, and me, well, stuck between sanity, soldiers and bones grovelling in the mud. You walk still."

"I will die soon. Let me die first."

"Oh, you won't."

Jack sniggered lightly.

[-]

She was by the stable, braiding twigs into flower crowns, when the stable door opened and came in Christa Renz, all alone, after a word to Ymir, her dance partner.

"That's a relief," Meg heard the blonde whisper. The blonde turned to rub the nuzzle of the horse nearest to her. The animal leaned closer – and Christa let her eyes close. "Good, good. You know, you're the only one who knows."

Meg stopped picking the crown with her fingers.

"You know," Christa went on. Her face changed. From the selfless heroine her male classmates adored, the beautiful girl suddenly became a dreamy girl made of glass and a cage. Yet there was it. A dreamy girl, with little warmth in her eyes, and yet, something reeked of _Frida Reiss_ from her.

It couldn't just be it, Meg thought furiously.

Christa bit her lip and bent her head down.

Loss. Grief. Pain.

"Christa."

The door opened once again, and came in Ymir, poking her head in. At the signal, Christa grinned at Ymir.

"Oh, hallo, Squad Leader," said the freckled girl rather bluntly.

Christa paled.

Meg nodded limply into the air.

"Go on" was her simple reply.

[-]

"Why are you talking to him again?"

"I thought it would be better to act human."

"Why so?"

"Before my time comes."

Petra looked down.

"You shouldn't keep that all to yourself, Meg," began the warm woman. "You have me. You have Charlie. You have Jack. You have Corporal Levi. Trust in us."

"That's the problem," Meg replied stolidly. "It only gets worse if I tell you."

"You're not going to die. Neither am I."

"Play the game I play, Petra. You win or you die. No middle ground. Be it love, be it politics, be it life."

Petra huffed in annoyance.

"It's only you who wants to wrap yourself in such ideas."

"That… is true."

"What about you and the Commander?"

"Me… and Erwin?"

"You miss him. You love him. I know it. I see it in your eyes. He is kind to you, Meg. Don't you know why he wants the corporal to keep you busy and beside him most of the time?" Petra's eyes shone. "He loves you. I think he does."

"Erwin would never have feelings for anyone," Meg retorted. "He only sees me as a weapon."

"How would you explain the dance? He's a good dancer and yet he danced with only you during the dance," Petra pointed out. "You two are tight. You two are starcrossed."

"We are not."

"You two _are._"

"Starcrossed is Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde. Not me and Erwin Smith!" Meg explained. "These lovers are the stuff of legend. These lovers are the stuff of myths. They will be remembered for centuries. Not me. They'll forget me."

"Margaret Capet, who boys wanted to be? Margaret Capet who braved and represented Humanity's hope in the court of vipers in the capital? Dear, you're a legend in your own right!" Petra laughed. "Darling, you can make Erwin Smith yours."

"No."

Nonetheless, the giggle was there.

[-]

_The rain fell over her. _

_Plack._

_Plack._

_Came the droplets._

_Above, the sky extended. It was a lotus, extending for water, for air, for cleansing. The white, the gray, the silver._

_Her bare feet, the gaze on the ground, the paleness of her skin – the hint of a scar on her shoulder. _

"_Come here."_

_The old crone waved at her._

_She lifted her face, the red hair spilling over like fire._

_Nothing came out of her mouth._

_Then the old crone's hands made its way on her. The wrinkled hand tightly gripped the girl's only piece of clothing – her shift. Then the hand went down, inside the shift._

_The girl said nothing._

[-]

"How's she doing?"

The red curtain flew over the two men. Commander and corporal, captain and subordinate. Black and blond. Tall and short.

"A bit better. Still a highborn princess, but not as… ideal she is cut out to be." Levi's voice was edgy. "Have you kept her cooped up all this time?"

"I think so. Why?"

"She is like a water spirit trapped. It's awful but it's getting a bit better thanks to the new recruits and Petra Ral."

"Is she filled with terror?"

"She was."

"It started some time ago. She got promoted, and started to pray alone more. She started to work things her way, she figured out a lot of things. Levi, she may not always obey you, but you can trust her to get things done. No one will even know she did. An army of one. Keep her well, I trust you."

Levi said nothing.

"I can't guarantee that."

"She is one of my most trusted partners, friends."

"Do _**you**_ love her?"

Erwin and Levi's eyes met.

"Why do you ask this?"

"The way you two are together," Levi remarked snippily. "So I am asking you again. **Do** you love her?"

Footsteps.

Humming.

"Good evening, Corpora – ohh!"

Erwin craned his head.

"Good evening, Erwin!"

Meg put on a quick smile.

"Carry on, Squad Leader," Levi replied glumly. Off went ahead the redhead.

In her hands, she carried flowers. Violets, daisies, jasmine, sunflowers.

"No comment on your question, Levi. I want you to see her as she is."

"Which is what?" Sarcasm dipped the dark-haired man's words.

"Think of her as a queen. Our branch is the Underworld, think of it like that. She's the one who makes things grow there, flourish. Let's say, Persephone."

"Very well, then."

* * *

**BLOOPERS:**

**Matthew:** Commander! I already have these men lined up. Those going to the front are Andrew Jacobs, Joseph Vernon, Pavel Stalin, Adolf Alix and a certain Mr. _**Ferrari** _–

(Everyone cracks up)

**Matthew**: _**Fuckity fuck **_**fuck**.

* * *

(Door opens and Erwin and Meg go walking inside together)

Cue _Trouble Maker_ by Hyuna and Hyunseung intro playing

**Charlie**: JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY! I WANT TO SEE SMUT DAMNIT! I'M HERE FOR THE SMUT!

Camera zooms in Meg

**Meg**: Say whut?

* * *

Charlie and Vincent are walking together

_Oppa Gangnam Style_ plays

**Charlie:** What the fuck?

* * *

Meg and Levi are in a deserted alcove, with a curtain draping over the background

**Meg: **I need to tell you something. It's urgent.

Levi pulls the curtain over them

**Meg**: Look, it's urgent.

Levi kisses her – and holds the curtain over them

**Erwin:** I didn't hire you here to screw with my friend and Squad Leader.

**Levi:** Wanna have a threesome?

* * *

**Levi:** Did you fuck her in your desk?

**Erwin:** ...

(Camera zooms in Erwin)

**Levi:** Was she good at blowjobs?

**Erwin:** ...

**Levi:** Just tell if she rides your dick, damnit!

**Erwin:** I think she's riding Matthew's dick.

(Camera pans to Matthew who is in the corner.)

**Matthew:** She isn't riding mine!

**Erwin:** So it is safe to concede she isn't riding any of our junk.

* * *

**Connie:** Sir, what is your measurement?

(Beside him, Reiner and Jean snigger)

**Levi:** ...

**Petra:** (whispers) He's asking for the size of your junk, Corporal.

**Levi:** 160 cm!

**(**Jean, Reiner and Sasha exchange high fives. )

* * *

**Notes:** Named for the TSwift song. LOL Expect a long hiatus, since it's debate tournament season! After my Valentine's Day tournament, I'll update. XD


	16. The Statute of Grief

**Chapter 16: The Statute of Grief  
**

"Do you really have anything to sell, Squad Leader?"

"What about you?"

So came their retorts, from locked rooms, and dim lights in the distance. Vincent looked at her, eyes locking at her form: on the desk, papers in hand, hair a mess, and her military coat hanging off the chair, while he was still fully clothed, papers in hand, the inks on the desk.

"I suppose I have something," and Vincent set down his jaw.

"Something. Do you really have something to really offer me? I'm accepting it on meritocracy." Meg set down the papers and her smile widened with the ease of a handkerchief falling on the floor. "Come on. You went dancing with me. I went dancing with you."

"You dance with dangerous men."

Danger?

Meg took in a breath of air. Within the confined setting, she had the room reserved for the purpose of meetings between Vincent and her. They'd talk. Politics. Strategy. Dreams. Power. Control. Dancing. He'd taken her dancing, and she'd been a willing dance partner.

"Jack Lithgow said the same of me."

Vincent laughed nervously.

"Ah, that boy."

"So what about Jack?" Meg pressed. She crossed her legs together, on the desk.

"That boy… is puppet and puppeteer."

"What about me?"

"Icing on the cake. Lamb to the altar."

"What about Erwin?"

"Puppet for and of the government."

"Thatcher?"

"That woman thought she knew what she was doing, Capet. She really thought she was. Made a big show of dying, too."

"The Thatcher I knew was not a feeling woman. You do have some valid point, but it's a subjective –"

Vincent raised a hand. He looked back at her, smile icy. The warm dancer was now a piece of black on the chessboard. Whatever warmth there was on him, he was devoid of that this very moment.

"Your logic," he purred into her ear. "You could fall into a trap and think you outsmarted the MPs, all of them."

"No. I won't."

"I know you."

"I know you, too."

"Not at all. Take care of yourself, Capet. You're spoiled rotten, and you have no idea of how bitter the taste of reality is in your own mouth. Ask for it from a man who knows."

"And who exactly is that?"

"Levi Ackerman. Erwin Smith. You dance with them on a regular basis."

[-]

Squad Leader. Captain. The title made her lips twist, as she made swift work of papers and pens and her hair in a huge mess. In the office, Levi sipped at his tea, haunted by old memories. A lamp lit up the room, and the two officers looked at each other with apprehension, in a mixture of fascination, consternation and the tension that came from sharing a history. As co-workers, it was kind of awkward. They had been silent during the ride, and even Eren sensed some tension between them. Petra was the ray of sunlight during the trip, bickering so casually with Auruo that Meg longed for her old times – Meg and Jack and Charlie blabbering and bickering and making bawdy jokes.

Meg looked back at the paper.

So what did she make of the puzzle? Rod Reiss had to be involved. Frida was affected. Goddamnit, she wanted to curse through her teeth and groan on the desk and yell and scream at the nightmare that had befallen such shoulders. Her boots had stepped on the shit of humanity, the trodding of memories piled on another, the agony that came with the knowing of everything. She had set her jaw. No forgiveness, no salvation. She froze, and the pen slipped from her hands.

She shakily took a sip of the black tea prepared before her. She gulped it down.

So when was this mystery getting solved? She closed her eyes once again.

Frida. Rod.

"You're so unruly," Levi grumbled.

She looked back at him.

She lifted her thigh away from him.

"You're stressed."

She glared at him.

"Obviously, I am."

"You need to relax."

He stood up and poured some tea into her cup. Taking the cup from her hand, she didn't flinch when his fingers made contact with hers. He offered the cup to her, gray eyes steely and so impassive.

"Drink."

"I want alcohol."

"Drink the tea."

She did.

"Why are you so worked up anyway?"

"…Plenty of reasons."

"Explain to me."

"I feel like…" She sighed. "I hate you."

He raised a brow.

"You took one of my closest friends from me. Now you're all she sees and I'm useless as heck. The one I love doesn't even love me back. My family probably thinks I'm useless. And my friend died and I don't know what really happened to her."

Her voice, and she hugged her knees, eyes wide with the intensity of the emotions bubbling in her chest.

"I can't rest without thinking why it happened to her. She meant so much to me," she whispered. "I loved her. I loved her with all my heart, with all my soul. She understood me. She understood me so well."

"There's no statute on grief." Levi's reply was dry. "Was she a soldier?"

"No."

He narrowed his eyes.

"You have to live."

_Avenge her._

"I feel like I can't do anything about it," Meg found herself wailing. "I can't do anything – I can't make someone love me. It feels wrong. I love him, I thought I really did, he doesn't want me. UGH!"

"Romance. You really are such a romantic, are you?"

"…."

She put her face on the desk.

"That's it, I'm giving up on romance," she hissed. "It's just my friend, still."

"Do you accept her death?"

"…No."

"Then slowly, take your time with it. You'll come to terms with it and everything will follow."

"You make it sound so **_easy_**!"

He blinked at her.

"Have you never lost anyone at all?" Then _snap_, her voice had rose with all the resentment bottled up, in its indelible fury. Every fire within her, every small emotion she had contained. Her anger when Frida had died. Her anger at losing Petra. Her frustration with Matthew and Jack and Erwin. Her frustration at herself for being so useless. "You talk to me as if it's a fucking process that is legal, you belittle my emotions! You will never understand what I've been through! I've lost more than 50 percent of the people I loved, I've loved and I've lost and I feel useless and that I should die! I should die!"

She yelled at him in the face, face heating up. Her blood boiled. Once she was done seething, she realized, she was on fire.

Levi was looking at her, still impassive.

He took a sip of tea. His manner had not changed. Then he set the tea down. Following setting the teacup down, he stood up from his seat and left the room.

Meg refused to leave the room for a day.

[-]

_Dear Erwin,_

_The excursion was okay. It was tiring as heck, and I miss Charlie more than ever. Wonder how she's doing. Take care of her for me! Also, my regards to Jack. The 104th have been a good bunch, and the trainees are very reliable. I sense some have potential. I only wish to harness such potentials and build them up for the future._

_Yours truly,_

_-Meg_

_Dear Erwin,_

_Petra has been such a dear. She bickers often with Auruo. Eren Jaeger is going to be an asset. I can only hope that the boy has the attitude for it. So far, he's warming up to everyone._

_Mostly, we train. We spar, too. And sometimes, I even see Eren fighting Arry with fists. It's amusing but of course, I stepped in._

_-Meg_

_Dear Erwin,_

_Who serves your tea now? Does Charlie bring you books? I realized that I forgot my copy of Sappho at your desk, if I recall correctly. It belonged to Matthew Lyall, he lent it to me for me to read. The Sappho is very good, but if you get sexual urges, then keep your hands away from it. Please give the book back to me if you can. I see you from afar, as custom dictates. How is everyone without me? How is it when I am away? I worry if you suffer in the darkness. You're always in the darkness. Someone needs to pull you out from that, and without me, I worry over you so much._

_I worry for Charlie, and you. You two… Almost all I have left. Dear friend, do not lose sight of your goal. Do not worry for me. Levi has been fine. Professional, too, I'd say._

_Offering candles for you later._

_-Meg_

_Dear Erwin,_

_I wonder why you don't talk of Marie. I wish you told me more about her._

_-Meg_

_Dear Erwin,_

_I have a rhetorical question for you. Intellectual sport, so to say. Don't worry, it's more than just ramblings of universes, parallel worlds, lives. Do you think that man makes the decision to save himself from the damnation he thinks he attains from the darkness he is plunged in? I hope to hear from you. Really, write to me._

_Please write to me._

_I miss you talking next to me. I miss it when we play chess. I miss it when you whisper in my ear and when I whisper in yours. I miss Hanji's laughter, I miss the days when we too were young and we were learning the ways of the world. The world is such a beautiful place, I'll admit that. I remembered thinking that._

_Beauty._

_Cruelty._

_Can two such things exist in one place?_

_I beg of you to write back to me._

_Tell me what you think._

_Please think well of me._

_Yours,_

_Meg_

[-]

Still no reply.

Enough on waiting.

She wanted answers, and she wasn't getting them. Morning had come and gone and she had sent ravens to the Commander's tent, but whatever letter sent, she had enough of waiting. Knowing the man, she had sighed to herself. After Levi's departure from the room, she had cried herself for hours at a time, and sending letters all throughout.

"Are you okay?"

Petra's voice. Petra was coming nearer, drinking a cup of black coffee.

"I…" She paused. What did she even have to tell Petra? "Corporal Levi said to leave you alone for a while. He said you were feeling bad. Did you get cramps?"

"…"

Meg hesitated.

"I… I was feeling bad," she admitted.

Yet today, somehow the feeling had lightened.

"I have news, though," Petra went on.

"What news?"

"Yesterday Squad Leader Hanji Zoe's two Titan pets… Someone killed them."

Meg's blood ran cold.

"What do you know else?"

"Commander went to check it out himself. We're having an operation today. You're expected to ride on front."

"Is the scene of the crime still intact?"

"Commander and Corporal Levi are still investigating it."

"Got it."

Meg hurriedly slipped the cape over her head. She got her 3DMDG, and hopped to the nearest open window.

"What are you doing?" Petra's voice rose.

"I'm going to investigate myself. Don't tell Commander. Don't tell Levi. I'll take you drinking in Wall Sina sometime."

"…deal."

[-]

From a tree, camouflaged by the cape, she made her own premises. Erwin and Levi's heads were close together, blond against black. To make things more annoying, Erwin's height was a huge disadvantage; she couldn't see much so she had opted to hide behind a tree. It was a good vantage point – she knew what the crime scene looked like.

_It's the work of someone who is skilled with 3DMG_, Meg noted. A soldier, at any rate. Someone who had access to classes.

With that, she whirred back to the castle.

[-]

The excursion had begun, and there it was, like the expeditions of the old. She had been put on the front, surrounded by fellow veterans and some newbies. Erwin probably had a hand in this, Meg thought, with a hint of annoyance. God damn it, she was away from Petra, she thought, riding her horse, in moderate speed.

Erwin had more information than her, she thought, frustrated. He had the access to investigate. Obviously the suspect was a soldier. What other measures had he taken aside from putting her in the front? Meg's lip twitched. God help him. Good God. She took another breath of air. What else could she come up with while traveling in the front, away from any potential harm? He would have probably made more plans to back this one up. His strategy in their excursion, it had been the most effective one, but with the potential breach of trust amongst the fellow soldiers, he would be worried. He would act.

That was Erwin Smith's nature – to act and to take the chance. He'd keep whatever backup plan he had a secret. Because if he couldn't trust his men, then he would keep the secret to himself. He'd have definitely done something about it. Keep a backup plan. Implement another. He could have had somehow jinxed the equation.

Yes.

So, he probably had done all this on purpose.

Theoretically assuming of course. Placing herself in Erwin's line of thought was quite natural. Ever the puppeteer, she knew how he was capable of reaching such points of action. She used that way of thinking to come up with strategies.

Not manipulate people.

_Oh, Erwin, what are you doing with me?_

She pinched the skin between her eyes.

_Erwin Smith, you better be ready to deal with me tomorrow. As soon as this excursion ends, I'll come at your desk._

He would have a lot of explaining to do with her.

If people died…

Well, screw that.

Scratch that.

The stakeholders. Erwin. His men. Who else? Possibly, society. The government.

And her.

Players.

Dang it. She wanted to yell his name and ask for answers, but it would be reckless to do it. So what else could she come up with while on the excursion?

Erwin would have withheld information and plans on purpose, she thought.

Yes.

He would've.

And that probably put her on the stake.

It angered her.

It frightened her.

It worried her.

Oh, sweet God.

What could she have done? She gulped the feelings down her throat. Well, this was just another excursion. With some pros and cons. Who was going to die? Not her.

Not today.

[-]

"What else happened?"

Matthew Lyall.

He narrowed his eyes.

"It's a Female Titan. Arlert said it was most likely looking for Eren."

"Tell me more."

Matthew grit his teeth.

"Did Erwin"-Matthew's eyes widened, shocked-"withhold specific information about this trip?"

Matthew clutched his chest.

"He did."

Aria.

Erwin.

Petra.

Levi.

God help them.

"Aria's behind, is she not?"

"Yes."

"….I didn't tell her. I swore to Commander Erwin I'd not tell her. I'm a man of my word. Capet, that's what's wrong with you."

"Wrong with me?"

"You're too emotional."

Meg snorted.

"So what do we do?" She spoke, diction eloquent. Bigger than life. Bigger than she had ever been. She stood up, hands on hips. "Well, are you not going to pray?"

"…"

"We have a job to do. We'll keep moving."

[-]

"You know, the other day, Levi and Hange and I once sent Erwin a prank message," said Charlie. Meg and Charlie were at their bunks, bundled up.

It was one of those old days, when Thatcher hadn't died.

"You and Erwin were on a mission," went on Charlie.

"Yeah."

"Do you want to know what we wrote?"

"What…?"

"It said _Hey Erwin, can you command your butt to die for humanity_?"

Meg facepalmed.

…

No wonder he was so annoyed that evening.

[-]

"Sacrifice my butt for humanity," grumbled Matthew, as he continued to mount the horse, as they journeyed on. He took a glance at the woman on his side, the leader he had known, the woman he had almost had, the girl he had lent Sappho. A precious little rose with the thorns riddling its slim body. No one could touch it for fear of being hurt.

Margaret Capet, he had known her name, he had kissed her lips, he had touched her shoulder, known her warmth as a new soldier, eager to serve humanity. Much time had passed, and he was no longer the same man. She had always been the constant driving sun in the Correspondence Division, the constant little soldier who wanted to soldier on for humanity. What did a girl like her know of pain? What did she know of hardship and suffering?

Time had done so much damage to him. He had his own reasons for withdrawing his presence from her. He had his own reasons for surrendering his heart to his duty than betting all what he felt for for the woman. She was another reminder of naivety, the woman who could have been his, the woman who had done so much for him and the soldiers.

She shouldn't have been here. Yet time and time again, he had seen her, pictures vivid in his mind's eye how troublesome she was. She cried easily, she gave up so much.

Nobility, pleasure, her own youth. She had given it up for service to humanity, and he had done the same, only to suffer from its results. The nightmares never ended, the frustration stemming from a sense of insecurity, out of helplessness. Hapless was he. Hapless was Matthew Lyall, who had wanted to achieve honor for being a soldier, and only to meet a potential end in a woman who was the antithesis of he himself.

Duty. Passion.

He could've had it all.

He'd kept his mouth shut.

He'd refrained from seeing her.

Touching her.

Holding her.

Something else stronger, a mechanism, an order.

Strange.

He saw her lips twitch, her face pale. Her hands shook. When her hands shook, it meant something. Was she… nervous?

"Capet?"

Awkward not calling her the old nickname, stuck like a glove.

"Capet? Are you unwell?"

She looked back at him.

"Erwin…"

She covered her face with her hands, then went back to staring straight at the road.

"Tell me, Capet!"

Blue eyes turned on him.

"Captain Lyall…." Her lips were twisting, with the weight of every word. Surprisingly they came out neutral. Not warm.

Nope.

What happened to the woman he knew?

"Do you think it's safe to assume that since we are at the front, then most likely titans have been pouring in?"

"It would be so."

They'd left Erwin, and Aria. She had Erwin; he had Aria. Lost to the fire at the rear of the army. Knowing the Commander, he'd make it through. Everytime Meg said his name, there was the implication of their closeness. Her warmth to Erwin's natural command – they were both charismatic, they were both popular, they had that faraway look in their blue eyes, dreamy Meg to Erwin's sterness. A hard man, a soft woman, her touch the warmth of the sun to the winter.

"I hope your sister survives," came her sudden soft murmur. The introverted girl.

Matthew just shrugged.

"She's a tough girl," Capet added.

"I know."

Aria was always tough.

"She stepped on Eren's foot."

…

Well that was expected.

"If your sister survives…."

Matthew frowned.

What about Aria?

"What if Arry survives?" Matthew prompted back.

"I want to talk to her."

What changed was the voice of Meg. Her voice was deeper, and heavier. Almost from a commander.

"Why?"

"Answer me first."

"What?"

"Can she keep a secret?"

"She can."

"Good."

[-]

"Petra, I have a question for you."

"Mhm?"

"Do you love Corporal Levi?"

Petra started laughing.

"What makes you say that?"

"The way you look at him."

"Well, that's complicated."

"Well, I want to know."

"After the excursion. Or on stopover. Maybe I'll explain to you."

[-]

They had finally stopped over.

Meg's thighs were already aching; eventually, they'd regrouped, and from a meeting point, Erwin Smith had already decided to place himself in the front, stone-faced, while Meg had decided not to speak. What caught her eye: the lesser number of people around. No more words left, any words would be for later. Then the number of corpses.

No Petra.

Where was Petra?

She found herself dropping her hands.

From her side, Erwin caught her eye, talking to some soldiers. He'd nodded at her and she'd nodded back, too and looked away. So much for everything they'd been through. The newbies were talking, and the others were tending to the bodies. Where to find Petra now?

"Where's Petra?" she murmured, her voice small. Petra? Petra. Petra had meant so much. Another sister. A replacement for Frida Reiss.

"I refuse to accept this, Commander Erwin!" Voice rising out in the distance, and Meg turned her attention back to Erwin. The commander had refused to look back at the source of the outcry. Then the blond craned his neck, his eyes devoid of any light.

"We should recover them! Ivan's body was right in front of us!"

Meg turned away.

Petra.

The word rang in her head.

"..We'll say Ivan and the others are missing. That's my final decision. Leave it at that."

"Don't you have any human feelings at all?!"

Inwardly, her heart broke. No Petra. No nothing.

[-]

The corpses were dumped.

Then she saw that flash of ginger hair, and open hazel eyes.

Blood.

The same shape as Petra's nose.

Petra.

Meg was shell-shocked.

[-]

Queens didn't cry. She bit her tongue once they'd entered the Walls, behind Erwin Smith. She put on a calm face, shoulders high, head held high. She watched them all – the long faces, a man in front of Levi, talking to him, the girls eyeing Meg herself, Aria's bleeding and bruised lips, and Erwin walking, grim as usual.

The jeers of the crowd, the comments, the yelling.

And to think, too.

They had all been the people she'd given charity to, the people she'd tended hopes and dreams to. They'd been the people she had sworn to protect. They were her people, too. They had admired her. They had supported her.

They'd believed her hopes. Her passions.

And now, a lot of their relatives were dead.

And she couldn't help but think.

_Yes, this is my fault, too._

[-]

Anger. Sadness. Grief. Her heart could take so much more. Once inside the HQ, Meg had quickly slobbered inside the nearest shower room she could find, vision blurry in a pool of tears. While others had entered from the main entrance, she'd taken a detour, and came in the back door.

So Petra was dead now.

She'd never see Petra again. She'd never see Petra drink black coffee. Never to hear the girl's singing, never hearing her talk of love and her dreams. Dear God, what had she indeed done? She had ruined it all. They all died because of her. She'd tossed her clothes and underwear and bobby pins on the floor, and the hot shower ran on her as she wept silently, fuming with frustration.

There was dissent from the people. They would blame Erwin. She knew they would. The jeers were proof. It was a wonder there were no rumors about the link between her and him. Putting her to Levi was a tactical move, she deciphered, given his straight-laced reputation and the occasional backlash he got from the people about his resolve to fight for humanity. The Erwin she knew had turned into the rigorous Commander. To put her with Levi - Levi had been the most popular one, riding on his popularity.

Why would he put her with Levi? Levi didn't… need her. Not that she knew much, too.

With the results of the expedition, Meg thought, the people would dissent with the government. And of course, the higher-ups would be concerned. They would most likely, she predicted, as the shower ran hot over her hair, summon whoever was responsible for this. Her. Erwin.

They could get Eren, too.

"…Oh, Lord."

She hissed and growled at the repercussion.

She saw a big toe outside the door.

Quickly, Meg twisted the knob of the shower, and wrapped the towel around her body, covering her torso. Hair loose, eyes red, she seemed like a mess, she though.

…

She opened the door.

She was face to face with a shirtless Erwin Smith, and beside him, Levi was staring at her with dead eyes.

"You showered in the men's showers again," Levi grumbled.

Meg wiped away the tears.

"Excuse me," she grumbled, awkwardly moving past Erwin. Awkwardness level: over 10000.

"Meg?"

Levi's voice was stern.

"What?"

"…"

"It's Petra, right?" Meg snorted. "I know she's dead."

_Am I the cause of it?_

She left the showers, feeling ten times more annoyed.

[-]

_Dear Margaret Capet,_

_I've heard news of what happened during your excursion. Zackley wants you and Erwin Smith summoned._

_I've also had my little birds installed in Zackley's household. They say he has an interest in you and Erwin Smith. They also say that Zackley is after Eren Jaeger as well._

_-Vincent Raison_

[-]

In her nightgown and a coat over it, Meg quickly snuck into Erwin's bedroom. Hair still wet, but loose.

As expected, his bed was neatly arranged. On the desk were papers, and books. A picture frame showed a picture of an older man who seemed familiar, bookish by aura, and the man with cold blue eyes. Blond hair, cold blue eyes. On the desk, lay a bottle of whiskey, and an empty cup.

She took a seat on the bed.

Hmm.

What was she even thinking?

"What do you even hope to achieve, sneaking in casually in my bedroom?"

Meg rolled her eyes, as Erwin took a seat on the chair in front of the desk. He'd slipped on a button-down shirt, pristine, his hair wet and slightly tousled.

…

Was she drunk or did he actually look attractive?

"I felt like sneaking in your bedroom," Meg mumbled.

"Why don't you go sneak in Levi's? He needs the attention."

"Attention?"

"He got injured."

Any numbness caused by Petra's death didn't melt. Instead she shook her head and folded her arms over her chest.

"I don't want to take a look at him."

"You still didn't answer my question, Meg." He took the bottle of whiskey, took the lid off, and poured in alcohol onto the cup.

"So every time we go here, you are going to drink that."

"Yes, I do."

"Oh."

He took a sip, thoughtful, grim. Close to her, he didn't smell like the old friend she played chess with. He didn't smell like idealism and ideas. He smelled of machinations, war and death. Yet to him, did she smell like the girl who said yes to him and wanted to be his?

"Drink with me, Meg."

She looked at him in the eye, doubtful.

"Sure."

He'd gulped down the alcohol, and he produced another cup. The other cup, he poured alcohol into, and gave it to her.

She took a sip.

The whiskey wasn't so bad.

"Who did you lose this time?"

"I lost a sister. She was the sun and moon in my life. Another sister, lost to the world. You?"

"Public trust."

"Then we are also in the same boat."

"The people love you."

"Oh, I led them to their deaths." Meg downed more shots of alcohol. "It just seems like yesterday when I was sixteen and you slept with me because we posed as a married couple."

"Such a long time ago."

"I was so innocent at that time." She started to laugh. "Remember how awkward it was when we took a bath together?"

"Mhm." Dang. He was drinking more alcohol than her.

"We were so young. We were innocent. We didn't know what we were doing."

"Mhm."

"Did you get the letter?"

"Yes. They summoned you and me."

She took another sip in silence.

"How does it feel, Meg," he began, "to love and to lose?"

"It feels painful as heck. It's like I was bitten by a nasty ant in my neck. I feel like I have lived a thousand years, never to return back to my old state."

"Did you love him, too?"

"Who do you mean?"

"Lyall."

"Oh, him. I don't think… we would really work out."

Erwin took another sip of whiskey.

"Don't **_you_** regret being by my side all this time? I've done nothing but pull you down."

"I don't have regrets."

"Really?"

"I don't." She yawned, and put her head on his shoulder. "I really don't. We'll have three days of rest and we'll go together into the capital. Just like old times."

"Just like old times."

She slipped, eyes closed -

And onto the darkness deep below.

[-]

She'd woken up in Erwin's bed.

That was pretty much what she had remembered, and it was too embarrassing to note that. He'd been away when she'd woken up, and she felt bad about occupying his bed. Before anyone had noticed the indiscrepancy, she'd slipped out of the room, and back to her pallet, eager to sleep more. Some paperwork, and some kind of holiday had perused through the HQ.

Levi Ackerman was nowhere to be seen. A result of his injury, she didn't doubt. In casual gear, she strolled around the HQ, hair in a braid, in a nice dress, thinking once again. Petra, the implications of the order to summon her and Erwin. No need to make a correspondence report, but there was need to go back for another trip to the capital.

Her wanderings and musings.

Matthew on her mind.

Erwin on her mind.

Petra on her mind.

Then, at the stables, she found Matthew, stroking the mane of his mare.

"Good day, Squad Leader Capet."

He'd become more formal, she noticed. His eyes were darker, grimmer. Darker circles under his eyes, his smile fake. No longer the idealistic and honorable boy she had encountered.

"Just who I wanted to see."

Meg closed her eyes and she smiled, sadly.

"I felt like seeing you today, too," mustered the Lyall.

"I know it's awkward talking to me," Meg explained. She met his gaze and smiled. "It's time we should talk about it like we're civilized people."

"Yes."

"I'll make it clear, then," Matthew replied. "I did love you."

"But what happened?"

"I thought about you and me. I figured that…" His lips twisted. "That I could pull you down. You'd avert me from my duty. My priority is not you."

"Good."

"What about you, Squad Leader?"

"I thought I loved you. It turns out you cannot love two men at the same time. I think, looking back on it, it's not love. It's wishful thinking. In the long-term, I do think you're a good man, Lyall. It's just… I liked the idea of you better than you."

"…I hope it's no longer awkward being with you."

"Same for me."

Matthew smiled.

"I gave up on my claim for you for such a long time ago. Is there anyone new?"

"No. None at all."

But she was thinking something else.

_Maybe._

_Never._

[-]

_Dear Levi,_

_I'm very sorry to hear about Petra. She was a lovely girl. She meant the world to me, and I really am going to be honest in this letter. As I write, you might lie in the infirmary, and when you read this, I will be with Commander Erwin to deal with the political repercussions of this failed excursion. Late as it will be, I've learned hard lessons and I feel that it is high time that I start acting more responsible._

_I feel your loss, I empathize with it. Petra was a friend and a comrade, a gentle soul. I am sure you were fond of her, because she was kind and gentle and didn't see you as a freak. You are a strange creature, but I feel that deep inside, you are gentle and only a few people will be able to truly understand that at the end of the day. _

_I'm awfully sorry for every transgression I have committed against you. As a comrade, I have been rude and uncooperative and spoiled. I only hope to improve and learn from my mistakes. Please accept my apology._

_Yours,_

_Squad Leader Margaret Capet_

[-]

"It was a female Titan. Blond hair. Could fight. Blue eyes."

Meg tapped her chin.

So her suspicions had been addled up. Someone female who was blond, someone who had knowledge of the 3DMG. It wasn't Krista Renz. Who else could have done it?

"Arry, you have to tell me something more."

Aria frowned and rolled her eyes.

"I'm sure if you knew more, you could figure out who was that Titan shifter."

"Well, tell me more."

"Armin can help you."

[-]

"Someone blond, and can fight. Know anyone with such a stance, as Arry has mentioned?"

Armin nodded.

"Yes. I'm sure Arry knows."

Meg smiled.

"Then it means we finally know who the real culprit is."

[-]

In the carriage they rode, they rode side by side. Stone-faced Commander and the charming and personable Correspondence officer, shoulders and hands brushing slightly together due to the cramped space in the carriage.

"The government won't be pleased," Meg warned Erwin.

"I know."

"Then you know what that spells out."

"They'll have us hand Eren over."

"Exactly."

"Do you have a plan?" Her question was more of a statement; she knew him this much.

"I do; I've been thinking about it. What about you? What tricks do you have up your sleeves as of now, Meg?"

She put her lips close to his ear, her hair brushing his skin.

"I figured out who the culprit is, with Arlert's help."

His lips twitched.

"And I do have aces up my sleeve. We'll corner the culprit, use me as a distraction. I've made a plan for now, too."

"Go on."

"Arlert already made a plan, too. If we're having Eren Jaeger taken from us, then before he does, we set another plan in motion – capture the Female Titan."

"Have it be done, then."

Erwin's voice was dipped in relief.

"We'll make it work, God willing," Meg went on. She found herself giggling. "We will. I promise you."

"What would I do without you?" He sighed. Just then, that moment, she felt his hand curl on top of hers and intertwine his fingers through hers. It was oddly comfortable. Comforting. Nostalgic.

"Also, another plan."

"Go ahead."

"I want to talk to my friend."

"Friend?"

"Vincent Raison. He might be able to help us carry the plan out."

"We'll go to his place, then, after the capital."

"At this moment, I feel that some people may have some agenda to tail us."

"Then we'll need a decoy."

"How are you going to get that decoy, Erwin?"

She saw his lips curve.

* * *

**Notes:** Long time no write! I've been busy with RL stuff, so yeah. With a lot of the story meta going on for me, I feel the need to either a) remodify the story or b)adapt the latest chapters of the story to my own preferences. For one thing, I might have to make the story pairing change, or go on with the original love triangle plan I originally had.


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